Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Attn Rappers: ‘Scarface’ remake news!!!

                Now look, I’m not a man who’s afraid to make a few enemies, but even I don’t like putting this next sentence in print. People tend to react violently.
                I’m no fan of “Scarface.” I think it’s long, sorta boring and massively overhyped.
                If you’re still reading this through an un-cracked computer screen, congratulations. If your screen has turned into a spider-web and your fist hurts, I apologize but it’s not my fault. I mean legally it’s not my fault, check the fine print at the bottom of the page.
                Anyway, that was basically just a long-winded way of saying: “Hey, have you heard there’s a ‘Scarface’ remake coming out?”
                Well there is. And now it has a writer. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the most popular/hated man in the hip hop community: David Ayer.
                Ayer is best known for penning “Training Day.” So, I look at this as slumming it. I’m sure he looks at it as his meal ticket to easy street. Funny how perspective changes things.
                Apparently Ayer has been studying both Brian DePalma’s 1983 film AND Howard Hawks’ 1932 version in preparation.
                Good for him. Still, I will not be seeing it. Unless 50 Cent stars, in which case maaaaaybe.
                Source: Bad Movie Nite

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

News: More hot Adam Green talk!
Boy, between his movie that’s NOT about a killer pizza and NOT directing “Hatchet III,” writer-director Adam Green is becoming a bit of a regular here at The Cheese List.
                I’m sure he’s just tickled pink about that too. Maybe I should start charging him rent? Or at the very least change the name of the blog to The Adam Green List.
                I’ll ponder that for a bit.
Anyway, since I like to keep things fresh, I guess I’ll take a break from all those uppercase NOTs and instead focus on something that IS happening in the Adam Green universe.
Seems his latest project, “Chillerama,” hit DVD and Blu-Ray shelves everywhere today.
As if you didn’t already know, “Chillerama” is an ode to the golden age of campy drive-in classics. It’s made up of four short segments: “Wadzilla,” “I Was A Teenage Werebear,” “The Diary of Anne Frankenstein,” and “Zom-B-Movie,” each created by a different acclaimed horror talent.
In addition to Green, the movie features the talents of Joe Lynch (“Wrong Turn 2”), Tim Sullivan (“2001 Maniacs”) and for some reason Adam Rifkin (writer of “Underdog”???).
Here’s a clip from Rifkin’s “Wadzilla” segment featuring a group of people being terrorized by a giant sperm. There are... just no words.
Sure “Chillerama” might not be the greatest title ever, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the working title: “Incredibly Poor Man’s ‘Grindhouse.’”

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Review: White Chicks

Credentials: 15%, Certified Rotten ( / 4.9 out of 10 ( / 41 out of 100 ( / Nominated for five Razzies at the 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actresses (Wayans Bros.), Worst On Screen Couple (Wayans Bros.))

Plot: Hoping to get back into their boss’ good graces, two black FBI agents (Shawn and Marlon Wayans) go undercover as two Hilton-esque--- read: very white--- heiresses to foil a dastardly kidnapping plot. Naturally, oodles and oodles of gender and race inspired wackiness ensues. Also, fart jokes, but that goes without saying. Will our heroes save the day or will someone, anyone notice they aren’t actually white chicks?

Why it stinks: To be perfectly fair to “White Chicks,” it’s not as bad as I expected. Then again, I expected it to be slightly worse than the videotape from “The Ring” that kills you seven days after you watch it, so take from that what you will.
                I have a strange relationship with the Wayans Bros. Their old sitcom has a special place in my heart, and yet I’ve hated every single movie they’ve pooped out since then. Maybe TV is just a better medium for their humor. Or maybe they need to stop making lazy movies. Only Cthulhu knows for sure.

                Perhaps “White Chicks” just suffers from a bit of “Wayans overload.” Another brother, Keenen Ivory, directed and co-wrote it. Kind of makes you wonder just how in the hell Damon avoided stepping in this mess.
                Anyway, the biggest problem with “White Chicks” is the creepy makeup effects used to transform the Wayans’ into two super-pasty yuppie gals. It’s honestly the stuff nightmares are made of. We’re talking Tom Cruise in “Vanilla Sky”… AFTER the car accident.   
                If you can get past the strangeness of their appearance (it’s a struggle), there are some funny moments in the movie. The love angle between a crazily-muscled NBA superstar (played by Terry Crews) and an in-drag Marlon makes for some silly moments.
                Sadly, the movie’s other relationships, between Marlon and his wife and Shawn and an aspiring investigative reporter, both fall flat on their faces. Also, I’m not completely sure how the whole kidnapping plot worked. And the big twist at the end wasn’t all that twisty.
                There are a handful of other laugh-out-loud moments scattered throughout. One great sight gag comes after one of our heroes (couldn’t tell them apart in that makeup) crams himself into a skin tight leather outfit, only to end up walking around like Igor.  
                But when push comes to shove, the Wayans Bros. and the rest of their SEVEN person writing team (!!!) are content to just fall back on endless strings of fart jokes and hope for the best.
                The female supporting cast is totally useless. Even the presence of lovely and talented ladies like Jennifer Carpenter and Brittany Daniel can’t make the characters interesting or even, at the very least, tolerable.

                --- Two heads are better than one. SEVEN heads are way, way less funny than two. Interesting how that works out.
                --- “Blacky Chan?” “Hasta la vista Schwarzen-negro!” Now THAT’S the Wayans Bros. I know and love
                --- Worst of the worst runner-up: The Bjork meets “Carrie” meets Chinese New Year fashion show
Worst of the worst
                I’d have to say the worst scene is Marlon’s darn near unwatchable in-drag bout with explosive diarrhea. Say what you will about me, but I just don’t dig on the toilet humor for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m over 12?

Video Evidence
 Ahh, Terry Crews. What a guy
Yay another tired dance number
The Worst of the worst... yuck.
                And so there you have it, “White Chicks.” Bumblebee tuna.       

Friday, November 25, 2011

News: Busey talks 'Piranha' plus 'Cheese in Theaters'
Busey talks ‘Piranha 3DD’

            Hold the phone Mabel!
When did this happen? Gary Busey is in “Piranha 3DD?” Be still my beating heart!
I can’t believe I missed the fact that one of the craziest people on the planet is starring in one of the craziest-looking movies of all time!
And not only is the former star of “I’m With Busey” in the darn thing, but he’s talking about it as well! It’s all almost too much to handle. I’m just… I’m just a little lost for words right now, so let’s have the man himself enlighten you a little about his character in the film:
“I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me. You'll see how I treat one of them.”
Of course he’s playing a farmer who pals around with a cow renowned for its farting ability! Duh! What else would he be playing? A cop or something? Pishaw. This is Gary Freakin’ Busey we’re talking about. I’d expect no less.
God only knows how much of this will actually be in the final film when it hits theaters, whenever that is, but let’s just keep our fingers crossed and hope all of it makes the cut.

Cheese in Theaters

                Well, it’s that time of year again, when Hollywood starts pumping out its Oscar bait dramas and heart-warming family tales. Or as I call it: the slow season.
                Only one new movie scored a “Rotten” grade on this week. The rest of the new releases were all over 70%, many of them in the high 90’s. What am I supposed to do with that caliber of movie?
                Anyway, here’s this week’s one stinker:  
                The Legend of Pale Male- 56% Certified Rotten (
                What the heck is it: An “inspiring” documentary about a hawk that takes up residence in New York City. While there, he becomes a symbol of perseverance and tourists flock from all over the world to catch a glipse at the bird affectionately known as “Pale Male.”
                Critics said: “(Director Frederic) Lilien proves wholly uninterested in investigating his human subjects' habit of vigorously anthropomorphizing, and projecting their personal hopes, dreams, fears, and Daddy issues onto the striking hawk.”- Nick Schager, Village Voice

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Feature: 'Cheese List' gives thanks!

And just like that, Thanksgiving is upon us once again my little chickadees.
                I don’t know about you, but I plan on spending my holiday eating Spam out of a can while camped out in front of a Best Buy, waiting to throw elbows and trample elderly women to get at those sweet sweet Black Friday deals. Mmmm… savings.
                Anyway, tis the time of year to give thanks for all the universe has bestowed upon you. I, for one, am thankful for having nice pointy and extremely boney elbows. They really come in handy when it comes to fighting through large crowds.
                But I’m also thankful for other stuff. Family and friends. Buffalo sauce. And of course horrible, horrible movies, for without them, who knows what I’d be blogging about? Oh, wait. I do! Haha, yeah it’s best we don’t go back down that road.
                I’ve spent almost an entire year now digging around in Hollywood’s garbage and what a year it’s been!
                I’ll do a proper recap later on, but here are just a few of the Cheese List moments, that I’m most thankful for.  


 Ah yes, who among us could forget Torgo, the lovable meth-addicted Satyr and day manager of the "Lodge of Sins" from the classic film "Manos: The Hands of Fate." With his disjointed, Shatner-esque speaking style and persistent flop sweat, Torgo is one of a kind.

Shane Van Dyke

 Yes ladies, that's THE Shane Van Dyke, self-proclaimed "prolific" screenwriter and grandson of Dick Van Dyke. Shane wrote, directed and starred in current reigning "Cheese List" champ, a movie with literally no redeeming qualities, owner of a perfect 5.0 Cheese GPA, "Titanic II."

The Room
 Without a doubt, Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" is one of the most entertainingly awful movie I've ever seen. It's also my favorite "Cheese List" movie to date. Honestly, this movie just needs to be seen to be believed. I'd absolutely recommend it. 
WARNING: A little spoiler-y but very well done.

Troll 2
Very little about "Troll 2" makes any sense. Even the title doesn't work, because the movie is about goblins. Oh well. Before "The Room" came along, this was the most laugh-out-loud-bad movie I'd watched as part of this insane experiment.

Disaster Movie
I'm thankful for "Disaster Movie" because it is far and away my most successful post. It's well over 4x as popular as the next one on the list, my "Terminator 2" joke post. For that, I thank you dear readers... and Google Image search traffic.

Night of the Lepus

 One of the most adorable movies ever made. Not scary in the slightest bit, however. Movie monsters should never make you go: "Awww wook at the whittle guy!"

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

 If it wasn't for the fact that the last act is made nearly unwatchable by incessant bird shrieking, "Birdemic" could've given "The Room" a run for its money. Hilariously bad acting, writing, editing, directing and special effects work combine to make a near perfect, cheesy movie.

Piranha 3DD trailer
 Blood, guts, attractive ladies, killer fish, a guy with shotguns for legs, no Steven R. McQueen... what's not to love?

Michael Bay Infographic

Just one of the many wonderful Michael Bay infographics created by the folks over at This one clearly shows the more explosions a Michael Bay movie has, the more money it makes.

                Boy oh boy. What a year it’s been. Here’s hoping to another fabulous year! And then after that, let's hope I find a more useful and productive way to spend my free time.
                Now, if you’ll excuse me. I need to pack up my tent, roll up my sleeping bag and sharpen some sticks in case anyone tries to cut ahead of me in line. There are no friends or loved ones on Black Friday, only competition.
                Bumblebee turkey to all!             

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

News: Tell the kids! 'Chopping Mall' remake is a go!

Scraaape. Scraaaaaape.
                What’s that noise? Why, it’s the sound of Hollywood scraping the bottom of the remake barrel of course.
                Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Chopping Mall,” an 80’s cheese fest about a group of kids trapped in a mall after closing time with three murderous security robots. 

                Robert Hall, a guy who made his bones as a makeup artist, will direct though he’s no fan of the killer robot angle from the original. Instead, he plans to go with a more “supernatural” menace, while keeping the whole kids trapped in the mall thing.
Was anyone really clamoring for a “Chopping Mall” remake? Better question: Does anyone even remember “Chopping Mall?”
                Oh well. I’m not sure I completely agree with Hollywood’s new "remake everything" policy, though I must say I'm waiting with baited breath for the “Future War” redo.
                Source: Arrow in the Head

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Review: One Missed Call (2008)

Credentials: 0%, Certified Rotten ( / 3.7 out of 10 ( / 24 out of 100 (

Plot: Things go south for Beth (Shannyn Sossamon) and her group of attractive twenty-something friends when they begin receiving mysterious messages on their cell phones. Mysterious how? Well, it seems the calls are coming from the future and include the exact time said person will die. What’s up with that? Is it some kind of ghostly curse at work? Or is it something… else? Ahh who am I kidding? “One Missed Call” is based off a Japanese film so of course it’s a ghostly curse at work. Japan loves it some ghostly curses. Either way, one-time Teen Choice Award nominee Eddie Burns is out to crack the case once and for all.

Why it stinks: “One Missed Call” is a remake of the Japanese hit “Chakushin Ari.” However, if you’ve seen fellow Asian exports “The Ring,” “The Grudge,” and “Pulse” then you’ve seen “One Missed Call.”  
Essentially it just cherry picks plot devices from those movies, nabbing the phone gimmick from “The Ring,” the vengeful spirits of “The Grudge” and adding in a dash of technology-age paranoia from “Pulse.”
Thusly, it all feels very been-there-done-that. Every twist is plainly telegraphed and should be easy to spot from miles away by even the most fresh-faced horror newbie.
So, in lieu of suspense, “One Missed Call” sticks to cheap musical stings and lots of sudden loud noises to scare its audience. Considering how much it already “borrowed” from “The Ring,” it kind of makes you wish “One Missed Call” had picked up some tips on how to properly execute ticking-clock tension.
                The script by Andrew Klaven is jam-packed with some truly impressive plot holes. For example: I’m not really sure how the cell phone curse works exactly. Or how it started. Or why the ending is supposed to make sense. Or why one ghost is so interested in protecting our heroine. There are a few others, but there's only so much space on the Internet.
                For some reason (I suspect to pad the movie’s 87 minute run time), Klaven gives Beth a truly ludicrous backstory involving an abusive mother and a crippling fear of peepholes. It doesn’t fit into the movie at all and creates a handful of agonizingly long scenes where Beth trembles in fear at the sight of a closed door.  
                The special effects are clumsy at best, the acting is only marginally less dynamic than a rice cake, the final act is way too drawn out and the ending is infuriatingly stupid. “One Missed Call” isn’t even fun to make fun of. The best thing that can be said about it, is that it's only 87 minutes long.

Quick hits
                ---The cell phone body count in this movie is through the roof. Somewhere the “Can you hear me now?” guy and the chick in the pink dress are holding each other and weeping.
---- Honestly, I don’t understand why the characters insist on repeatedly breaking their cell phones. They’ve seen over and over again that it doesn’t keep the ghost away, so why keep doing it?
---Who lets their kids keep pet centipedes? I mean other than the mom of the nutty guy from “Human Centipede 2?”
---Of course she’s evil! She’s wearing a black hoodie. It’s all so clear to me now.
Worst of the worst: Without a doubt, the worst scene in “One Missed Call” is the cell phone exorcism. That’s right, a priest is bought in to expel demons from a flip phone. Someone actually speaks the line: “I command you to be gone from this cell phone!” You can’t make this up. I mean, you can and someone did, but you probably shouldn’t.

                This is one call, you should probably… miss. HAHA! See what I did there? Now THAT’S comedy.  Bumblebee tuna.