Thursday, December 29, 2011

News: Cheese in theaters

Happy New Year boys and gulls!
                I’m a broken record, I know, but it’s another bare bones weekend in theaters for cheesy movies.
                My only consolation is that this is the last Friday in December.
January is like spring time for lovers of bad movies, a time of rebirth and hope. Honestly, it can’t get here soon enough.
One entry this week and once again, I’ve never heard of it. Have at it chickadees.

Angels Crest (33%, CertifiedRotten)

What the heck is it: A young dad struggles to raise his son while the mother is off getting drunk somewhere. When tragedy strikes, his small home town is forced to cope with the fall out. Luckily for us, the dad is TV’s emo-John Connor himself, Thomas Dekker. I was wondering what happened to that guy.
What critics said:  “A high-school production of a second-rate Greek tragedian.” -Michael W. Phillips, Jr., Goatdog's Movies

News: 'Zombie' booty and a Worst of... list!

‘Zombie Ass’= actual movie

R.I.P. zombie genre, we hardly knew ye.
Actually, what the hell am I saying? There’s been like 800 zombie movies and books and TV shows released in the last few years. No, we knew you quite well and to be honest, I was starting to get a bit sick of you. Outside of “Walking Dead,” of course.
Anyway, it seems safe to pronounce the genre dead, or at the very least on life support, when something like “Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead” is allowed to exist.
Honest to God that’s the title. Here’s the brand spankin’ new poster which proves it.

As of now, this Japanese film won’t be crossing the other pond and coming stateside anytime soon. Although, like Godzilla, it looms ominously on the horizon. Ever-present, waiting to strike.

Worst movies of 2011 named!

Bad movie icon and fantasy football champ Tommy Wiseau approved
                It’s the season of the lists, my friends. The time when every Tom, Dick and Henrietta (why they all gotta be dudes?) shares their two cents on the best of something that occurred during the past year.
                Admittedly all that positivity can get a little depressing. So, it’s refreshing to know there are one or two people out there covering the flip side of the coin: the worst of the worst from the year that was 2011.
The good folks over at Bad Movie Nite have compiled their list of the worst movies of 2011. I won’t be following suit with a similar list because I’m only one man and I refuse to pay to see any of these movies or have them tying up my Netflix account.
I won’t spoil the list for you, but let’s just say it wasn’t a good year for creatively bankrupt comedians who still think dressing in drag is hilarious.
Check out the full list right here.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

News: ‘Killer Klowns’ are invading… AGAIN!

                That’s right folks. Some said it couldn’t be done, that pigs would fly and Michael Bay would make a 90 minute movie before it ever happened and yet… here we are.
                It gives me great pleasure to announce that “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” is getting the sequel/remake treatment, at the hands of its original creators, the Chiodo Brothers.
                Or as the brothers are referring to it: the “requel” treatment.
                In case you’ve forgotten, the 1988 original was about a group of dastardly aliens who come to Earth to do a lil’ invading. What’s even worse for humanity? The aliens all look like clowns and use hilariously, clown-esque weapons. As is often the case, the only people who knew what the hell was going on was a group of kids, so naturally the fate of the planet rested in their hands.
                Good times.
                No word yet on when the movie will be written/start shooting/ get to the theaters.
                Source: Bad Movie Nite

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Review: Santa Claus (1959)

Credentials: 2.1 out of 10, Ranked #60 on the Bottom 100 list, ( / N/A ( and

Plot: You may have heard some jive about how Santa Claus lives in the North Pole with his legions of toy-building elves. Dirty, vile lies all of it. According to “Santa Claus,” (and with a title like that it must know what it’s talking about) Santa lives in a castle in OUTER SPACE and flies to Earth each year on a sled powered by huge tinker-toy reindeer. Oh yeah, and his helpers aren’t elves, but thousands of kidnapped children from all corners of the globe. As if all that wasn’t weird and disturbing enough, eventually the devil decides to ruin Christmas for everyone. So he sends his minion Pitch to wreak havoc for Santa as he journeys around the world--- but really just one town in Mexico.  

Why it stinks: The movie is called “Santa Claus” for god sakes. Not “Santa Claus does this” or “Santa Claus conquers that,” just “Santa Claus.” At first I thought that was a pretty boring and nondescript title, and then I saw the movie.
                Fits like a glove.

                For huge, seemingly unending stretches, “Santa Claus” just follows Santa as he plods around his galactic crystal fortress of solitude thing with his band of abducted children. Of course, the movie doesn’t come right out and say Santa kidnapped these kids, it just completely glosses over how they got there.   However, the soul-less vacant looks in their little eyes say things words never could.  
                “Santa Claus” is flat out weird. The people who made it clearly had big imaginations--- Santa lives in space for god sakes!--- but the movie exists on a painfully small scale.
                Example: The demon’s big plan to ruin Christmas? He sic’s a dog after Kris Kringle and as St. Nick hides in a tree, the demon calls the cops to have him arrested. That’s it.
                And then there’s the usual nonsense about a poor little girl who only wants a dolly to call her own. Guess if she gets it?!?! Go on, guess! Also, there’s a rich kid who just wants his parents to spend time with him. Guess if they do by film’s end?
                You know, for a kid’s movie, “Santa Claus” features a lot of people being drugged. I mean Santa drugs EVERYBODY! He spikes the rich kid’s parents’ drinks to make them love him, he drugs kids to make them go to sleep, he drugs the rich kid into a “waking sleep” for some reason.
                Couple the near-constant druggings with the army of clearly kidnapped kids and “Santa Claus” takes an entirely unintentional hard left turn towards the dark side.  
                Cheap sets, flat acting and painfully dated special effects are also on the menu. Best of all: “Santa Claus” is an import from Mexico, so we get lots of bad dubbing and translation goofs. Something for everyone!

                Worst of the worst: Less than five minutes into the movie, we’re introduced to Santa’s kids. Each country gets their own little ethnic song and dance number. There are no words to describe the horror of this sequence. It’s so annoying it makes “It’s A Small World After All” look tolerable by comparison.

                Video evidence

                Bumblebee tuna!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

News: Cheese in Theaters 12/23/11 Edition

My precious! It's going to be here soons it is!
Back to slim pickings in terms of new releases once again this week, but here we go.

                Albert Nobbs- 44%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: A period drama set in 19th century Ireland starring Glenn Close as a woman forced to dress as a man for some reason. Thirty years later, a new love threatens to reveal her secret to the world. Gasp!
                What critics said: "The result of [Close's] passion project? Getting to look like Bruce Jenner in a bowler and high starched collar." -Melissa Anderson, Village Voice

                What the heck is it: A kid is convinced his dad, who died during the 9/11 attacks, has left a message hidden for him somewhere in New York City. Naturally, he sets out to find this message and embarks on some sort of life-altering journey of discovery. Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock star, yet I’ve never heard of it so it must be awful.
                What critics said: "It more resembles a spindly kid running around and screaming for two hours before a hastily applied Hollywood ending shuts him up." -Grae Drake,

              Well, Planet Earth, not much left to say except Bumblebee tuna and a Merry Christmas to all. Please enjoy this classic scene from the all time holiday classic "Jingle All the Way!!"

And how about this memorable moment from "Christmas Vacation"

And finally, here's the greatest Christmas tune of all time to get you in the holiday spirit!

News: Catching up with a former scream queen
                Not much went down in the world of bad movies today, so instead of cheesy movie news, how’s about you and I gab over some interesting movie news about a local gal?
                You’re already here and I promise it will be short.
                Remember Heather Donahue? No, of course you don’t, no one does. No one remembers her, Josh Leonard or the other one. But everyone remembers a little movie they starred in together called “The Blair Witch Project,” the record-breaking indie that reinvented the horror genre way back in 1999. For my money, it’s the best, scariest horror movie ever made.
                Anyway, as is often the case with these kind of cultural phenomenons, the world quickly moved on and left poor old Upper Darby, PA-native Heather Donahue behind.
                Donahue kept acting, but jobs were scarce. So, she did the only sensible thing a struggling actress could do: She went out into the desert, burned everything from her acting past (save for the infamous “Blair Witch” knit cap) and started growing and selling medicinal marijuana.
                Now she’s got a new book out detailing her journey from the big screen to the pot uhh… farm I guess. Plantation, maybe? I have no idea.
                The book’s called "Growgirl: How My Life After The Blair Witch Project Went to Pot,” and it’s out January 5.
                Could make for an interesting read. That’s a hell of a… trip... after all. Haha! Shut up, you know that was gold. Or you could just get it as a late Christmas present for the cast of "Paranormal Activity." You know sort of a career guide. A "What to expect when you're expecting a film career after your indie mega-hit" type thing.
                Source: Yahoo Movies      

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

News: 'Fast' six and seven are a-go!
Oh it’s man’s time now, boys and girl.
                Not content to let Sylvester Stallone and his cavalcade of expendable he-men have all the fun, the “Fast and the Furious” franchise WILL return for parts six and seven.
                And that comes right from the chiseled and muscular mouth of franchise star Sir Vin Diesel.
                Apparently, according to Mr. Diesel, the scope of the series just got too big after part five, thusly we need two more sequels to wrap it all up.
                Well, that and “Fast Five” made a poop ton of money and had The Rock in it, so yeah.
                I’m ashamed to admit I still haven’t seen part five yet, a fact which at the very least could cost me my man card, and at worst might cause me to spend some time in a Chinese labor camp. I’m not proud of it, but we have to live with the choices we make. I will see it soon though, I assure you, International Council of Masculinity.
                Source: Bad Movie Night

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

News: Wolverine vs. Pirate + 'Bunyan' goes a-killin'
Pirate of Cell Block 7-G: Curse of Wolverine's Chest

                File this one under “Was it worth it?”
                Gilberto Sanchez, 49, was sentenced to ONE YEAR in federal prison today for illegally uploading a copy of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” and sharing it online.
                I’m sorry, I missed that. What kind of prison was it again, Michael Bolton?
                Ah yeah, that one.
                Well, we all know what happens to child molesters when they get sent to jail. I wonder what happens to convicted superhero movie pirates? Laughed at maybe? Mocked at every turn?
                I mean, I guess it could be worse for this guy. He could have gotten caught pirating “Twilight” or something. Boy would his face be red.
                Source: MSNBC
           ‘Bunyan’ wants blood!
                If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting with baited breath for someone to make a movie where a character from a tall tale goes on a killing spree and offs a bunch of attractive twentysomethings.
                Well, wait no more my long-suffering brethren and sistren, because here comes “Bunyan.”
                The story is simple: A gaggle of (not-so)juvenile delinquents head out into the woods where they come face-to-face with the legendary ax-wielding lumberjack.  Well, more like face-to-kneecap. You know. Because he’s so tall.
                Bunyan is kept in the shadows for the entirety of the trailer. Was this an attempt by the filmmakers to keep their baddie mysterious and maybe even build a little nervous anticipation? Or was it because he’s an awful CGI piece of crap?
                I’ll take option B for a million dollars, Alex.
                Check out the trailer… if you dare! MWAHAHAHA!

                Source: Bad Movie Nite

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Review: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Credentials: 25%, Certified Rotten ( /// 2.3 out of 10, #80 on the Bottom 100 List (

Plot: Dark days for the good people of Mars. Their children have become lazy, unresponsive, and just sit in front of the TV all day watching crappy shows beamed from Earth. The Martian overlords deduce their offspring are suffering from an acute case of Santa-envy. So, they hatch a plan to kidnap the jolliest of Earthlings and force him to bring presents to good little Martian boys and girls. It’s up to two precocious Earth-children to save Santa from the clutches of the Red Planet and keep Christmas where it belongs: Earth! Season of giving my ass! Get your own Santa you slimy aliens! USA! US… I mean… PLANET EARTH! PLANET EARTH!

Why it sucks: Now, when I sat down to watch “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians,” images of Kris Kringle mowing down Martians with a huge machine gun and running in slow motion away from a massive explosion danced through my head.
             (SPOILER ALERT!)
Yeah, not so much. Despite the placement of the word “conquer” right there in the middle of the title, Santa doesn’t engage in any sort of belligerent, action-hero style behavior whatsoever. A better title would have been: “Santa is Kidnapped by Martians and Peaceably Arranges His Swift and Safe Return.”
It’s upsetting. I wanted to see Santa kicking space man ass all over the Red Planet. I wanted to see him break a yule log over an alien’s head. By god, is that too much to ask? Apparently it was.
The movie is 47 years old and trust me it shows. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is so slow it could put snails to sleep. The effects, while not quite Ed Wood bad, are still in his ballpark, especially the irritating reliance on stock footage for all things military.
The main villain in “SCCtM” is a mustachioed Martian named Voldar. The main conflict in the movie is the previously mentioned kidnapping of Father Christmas. The problem? Voldar doesn’t want any part of kidnaping Santa, it’s the alleged “good” Martians that want him. It’s not often the lead bad guy has NOTHING to do with driving the conflict. Actually, I don’t think that has ever happened before or since this movie was made. Why? Because like Chewbacca living on Endor, it does NOT make sense!
Another odd quirk: The characters in the movie are prone to fits of insane laughter. Every now and then, everyone on screen will just burst out in this horribly forced, cackling laughter for seemingly no reason. By the fourth or fifth time, it gets really creepy and uncomfortable.
Between the dated effects, lifeless story, whiny kids and misleading title, “SCCtM” is infuriating. The best thing about it is the stupid title, which ends up setting the bar to a height the cast and crew could never hope to achieve.
--- Dropo, one of the good Martians, is like an unholy cross between Gilligan and Jar Jar Binks, only less lovable
---The thing about the Martians is they don’t look like aliens. They look like people who spent a day in the coal mines or hanging around Pig Pen. Also, why are all the Martian signs in English? Wouldn’t they speak some kind of space language?
---“Hooray for Santa Claus” makes “Friday” seem like “Stairway to Heaven.”
--- Holy god I hate the kids who are too smart for their age, yet keep finding themselves in trouble gimmick. So played out…
---Boy, Torg the Martian Robot, really, really sucks. And yet he looks like Awesome-O from “South Park.” Not sure how that’s possible.     
Worst of the worst: The two Earth kids are hiding out from the Martians in a cave located somewhere near Santa’s workshop. Suddenly, they’re viciously attacked by a man in a cheap polar bear costume. Or a maybe it was a real polar bear, wearing a cheap white bathrobe. Either way, it looks awful and then the useless cardboard robot named Torg shows up and things really get stupid.

Video Evidence
Post polar bear assault

And because it’s the season of giving, enjoy a little early Christmas present from the good folks at the internet, here’s the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” gang’s take on “SCCtM”… in its entirety!

Bumblebee tuna to all!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

News: Cheese in theaters

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-wrecked- 11%, Certified Rotten (
                What the heck is it: The third (!!!) entry in the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” saga. This time the Chipmunks and their gal pals the Chipettes get shipwrecked--- I mean chip-wrecked--- on a seemingly deserted island. The six squeaky-voiced rodents must find a way to survive, all while performing irritating, high-pitched covers of badly dated pop songs. Seriously? “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child? When’s the last time anyone thought: “You know what I miss hearing? The 30th best Destiny’s Child song!”

                What the critics said: “The film will mostly appeal to the youngest of viewers, who probably instead should be reading a book or playing in the fresh air.” -Tim Grierson, Screen International

                “If only they were truly stranded on that desert island...” -Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times
                   I’d like to throw my own submission into the ring here, even though I haven’t seen any of these movies. I feel like I’ve got a good read on what critics think: “‘Chipwrecked’ is the second worst thing that’s happened on planet Earth involving rodents and boats.” Top that lame-stream media!