Thursday, March 29, 2012

News: Hi-yo it's papa... Murphy

Stay classy again... planet Earth!

                Every so often a movie comes along that changes things forever. As The Joker once said, “there’s no going back.”
                A movie that rattles the Earth to its icy core and sends shock waves to the furthest reaches of the solar system, passed Pluto, beyond Planet X and into the infinite grasp of the universe.
                A movie whose cultural impact can’t be measured, calculated or even fathomed until centuries later. At the earliest.  
                For those of us who walked the Earth during that year of our lord 2004, “Anchorman” was that kind of film. And thanks to the wonders of DVD and Blu-Ray, the magic of “Anchorman” is available for generations to come.
                And now comes this news. Announced on TBS’s “Conan” last night.

                Yup. A sequel. Now, on the surface that sort of news should be enough to make a wolverine purr and drive the ladies wild. Real good times for all.
                Except, I hear no purrs. All I hear are nervous whispers and troubled sighs. Why?
                What are the odds that “Anchorman 2” turns out to be “The Godfather Part 2?” Or, better example, “Terminator 2?” Sequels that managed to one-up their beloved predecessors.
                The original “Anchorman” perhaps was lightning in a bottle. It’s going to be extremely hard to recapture that again, even for a man of Will Ferrell’s stature. Even if Paul Rudd, David Koechner, Steven Carell, Christina Applegate, Ling Wong the Panda and director Adam McKay return.
                It’s never-wracking. I will hold out hope for the best. But if it fails, I promise to send “Anchorman 2” to the ugly depths of The Cheese List for all of time.
                Until it enters theaters, we must wait. And wonder.
                Source: Team Coco

Eddie Murphy is really horrible

                I don’t know if you noticed, I sure as heck didn’t until just this minute.
                Eddie Murphy’s latest crapfest “A Thousand Words” is currently sitting at an astounding 0% on movie review aggregator site
                0%! That means it hasn’t received a single mostly positive review. Really amazing stuff.
                Now, in case you’re keeping score at home, this is literally rock bottom for Murphy, whose career has been in a historic nose dive for the last… few decades.
                Murphy’s previous low point had been 2002’s “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” which clocked in at 6% on Even 2007’s universally reviled “Norbit” managed to scrounge up a 9% rating.
                The good news for Murphy and moviegoers is, if he’s still allowed to make movies after this, there is nowhere to go but up. Or, you know, I guess he could maintain. I like to be optimistic though. No I don’t.
                Source: Rotten Tomatoes

Monday, March 26, 2012

Review: House of the Dead

Credentials: 4% Certified Rotten ( / 15 out of 100 ( / 2.0 out of 10, #53 on Bottom 100 List (

Plot: Various twentysomethings hear tell of a huge, crazy rave going down on a deserted island. Of course, when they arrive, they find the island isn’t really all that deserted after all. It’s inhabited by the reanimated corpses of Spanish sailors who died hundreds of years earlier. As is often the case with reanimated corpses, if they bite you, you turn into one of them. Along for the ride to help our twentysomethings survive are a crazy boat captain (Jurgen Prochnow), his crazy first mate (Clint Howard) and a pretty blonde coast guard officer (Ellie Cornell)… who might just be crazy.

Why it stinks: Uwe Boll.
                What? You want more than that? What more do you need than the psychotic German director behind such other craptastic wonders as “BloodRayne” and “Alone in the Dark.”
                And as awful as those movies are, “House of the Dead” is worse. Way worse.
                Thanks to some bizarre editing decisions, “House of the Dead” comes dangerously close to mimicking the severe boredom that comes with watching someone else play a videogame. The movie’s full of random videogame effects and even clips for god sakes. 

                Also, it seems like Boll was going through a bit of a Wachowski phase, or perhaps in his addled brain he thought he was the third sibling. Lana, Andy and Uwe. Either way, “House of the Dead” makes liberal use of “Matrix” staples like the 360 spinning cameras, bullet-dodging slow mo, etc. Yawn. Been there done that already Bollsy.
                Now, I know this movie is trash and you’re not supposed to pay attention to small details like this, but I can’t help it. Our twentysomethings come to this deserted island for a weekend long rave with nothing but the clothes on their backs. NOTHING! No change of clothes, no tent, no sleeping bags. Not a single luxury. Like Uwe Boll in an intro to film class, they’re as unprepared as can be! As unprepared as can be!       
                Come on people. You couldn’t have had one of the guys carrying a backpack or something? Just sell it a little bit. Put a modicum of effort into your movie.
                The acting, the story, it’s all contrived gibberish.
I refuse to address any of the rest of the actors by name, because they all stink. There’s one sentence that pretty much sums up how awful “House of the Dead” is: Clint Howard is by far the best part of the movie.
                Somewhere Ron Howard just started vomiting uncontrollably.
Worst of the worst
            Probably the big shootout scene on the front lawn of the house of the dead. Oh yes, the dead actually have a house in this movie. And you thought it was just a cheap line for the title. Anyway, that’s were Boll goes full Wachowski on all our butts. He pretty much manages to capture all the worst parts of “Matrix” 2 and 3 minus the philosophizing.

Video Evidence

                And there you have “House of the Dead.” Bumblebee tuna.      

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

News: Trailer round-up

                Not much news worth mentioning, so how’s about a quick roundup of some crappy-looking new trailers? Sure, who wouldn’t want that for their Wednesday evening? Stay inside, avoid the lovely weather and park yourself down in front of the computer for some gibberish. The good life.  
                Well, let’s start with the new trailer for the Farrelly brothers take on “The Three Stooges.”
                The first one was wholly unimpressive and it’s good to see the lads are consistent. This new trailer is also very unimpressive.
                There’s loads of slapstick violence that just somehow lacks the charm of the original. Also, this new trailer seems to have swapped Sofia Vergera in for Kate Upton. I guess depending on your preference, that’s either a good thing. Kind of a push really.
                Oh well, it looks awful so let’s all not see it.

                And then we’ve got the red band “Piranha 3DD” trailer. This is pretty much the exact same thing as the first trailer for “Piranha 3DD” except it features a lot of… hmm… not sure if I’m allowed to say this word on the internet, but I’ll try… boobies.

                Hopefully that word didn’t get censored. As of now, a SWAT team hasn’t come crashing in through my window which means Rick Santorum isn’t president yet and the internet is still a bastion of freedom and immorality. Like god intended.
                Anyway, I’ve been over my feelings on this movie. Not all that interested anymore. But hey, can you believe “The Dark Knight Rises” comes out this year? I know! So awesome!
                Here’s the trailer for that. 
                Source: Youtube

Monday, March 19, 2012

Review: Jack and Jill

Credentials: 3%, Certified Rotten ( / 3.3 out of 10 ( / 23 out of 100 (

Plot: Jack (Adam Sandler) is a successful--- and very douchey--- advertising executive, living the dream in LA. The only blemish on his idyllic existence surfaces every Thanksgiving --- his twin sister Jill (Adam Sandler). Jill is whiny, nasally, loud and extremely annoying. Usually, Jack can’t wait to be rid of his sister, and this year is no different. That is until she inexplicably becomes a key figure in a business deal that could make or break Jack’s company. Before you can say “Everyone stop shouting,” Al Pacino shows up playing himself, dozens of ex-SNL cast members get to come out of hiding and poop jokes start flying like it’s a playground full of first graders. Woopie. Oh yeah and Sandler once again gives himself a disproportionately hot wife (also played by Adam Sand… oh wait I mean Katie Homes).     

Why it stinks: Look, let’s not beat around this bush on this thing. We’re all good, honest, apple-pie eating and god-fearing Americans. We all know why “Jack and Jill” sucks. It sucks because Adam Sandler did it. It sucks because he hasn’t been funny in years and yet people keep going to see his movies, which causes other people to give him money to make more movies.
                Just when Sandler’s career seemed to have finally bottomed out after 2007’s vile “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” he whipped out a dress and a jackhammer and screamed “rock bottom be damned I can, nay, will do worse!”
And here we are.

There is nothing more creatively bankrupt than the male comedian in drag routine. Yes, Eddie, Tyler and Martin I’m looking at you three geniuses, as well. Guys in drag aren’t funny enough to carry a movie anymore.
So “Jack and Jill” gets all of its laughs the cheap way: celebrity cameos. There were two highlights for me: one ex-SNL “Weekend Update” anchor and one super-celebrity/deity. That’s about all the pleasure I was able to derive from this nonsense.
Story-wise, I almost wish Sandler and crew had just stuck with the whole “houseguest from hell during the holidays” angle. Instead, they elected to concoct this idiotic idea tying Jill into Jack’s business deal.
Long story short: Al Pacino falls in love with Jill (remember: Adam Sandler) and unless she falls for him, Pacino won’t do a commercial for Jack’s company. Ugh. Pacino has an Oscar for god sakes and now he’s doing this crap. Also: Someone needs to do a study and find out when Pacino officially stopped acting and just started shouting all the time.
All that’s bad enough, but I honestly couldn’t decide who I hated more Jack or Jill. We’re supposed to side with everyman Jack and root against the nightmarish Jill--- at least initially. Trouble is, as Jack, Sandler just comes across as a mega-douche. Both characters end up being completely and utterly intolerable and we have Sandler to thank for that.
There are enough go-nowhere subplots (involving Jack's psychotic kids, parents and friends) to fill at least two Sandler movies. That's saying something. 

Worst of the Worst

At one point Jack dresses up as Jill to woo Pacino. So Sandler's playing a character playing a character he also plays. Remarkable. Also remarkable: People were PAID to write this.

Video Evidence
There you have it, “Jack and Jill.” Bumblebee tuna.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

News: Piranhas, centipedes... and uh Twitter. Oh my!
Ugh… “Human Centipede 3” news

                What’s there left to say about “Human Centipede” director Tom Six that hasn’t already been said about a backed-up septic system… or milk left out under the scorching July sun?
                Let’s get this over with. The guy behind the low-budget, gross-out series took to Twitter--- they’ll let just anyone on Twitter these days--- to shed some light on the third and god-willing final chapter of the “Centipede” saga. 
                Six said: “#humancentipede3 will have a 500+ person pede. XXXXL American style!” He added that it “will feature a porn-style centipede the size of one of those porn star sex competitions.”
                Of course it will. After the hurricane of gross that was part 2, man needed to top himself somehow. My guess is for part 4, Six is just going to show up in theaters and take a dump in audience member’s popcorn.
                To the handful of people who support this man, enjoy. You’ve earned it.
                Source: Joblo

‘Piranha’ finally gets official release date!

                I’ve been over my thoughts about Dimension’s idiotic decision to delay the release of “Piranha 3DD” already.
                Well, the thing finally has an official release date: June 1.
                When “Piranha” was due to come out in November, I was excited. Now it’s scheduled to come out about a month and a half before “The Dark Knight Rises.” Needless to say, my obsessive personality is a little occupied with that film.
                Also, I’m not sure how wise it is to try to open a John Gulager movie in the summer. Better to just fly him under the radar, but what do I know?
                MEH, either way you ruined it for me Dimension. I should have seen this three or four times by now, instead I’ll only see it once, Sad times.
                Source: Shock Til You Drop   

Thursday, March 8, 2012

News: Lots of vampire gibberish
Aja shows his fangs

                It’s just like that old song says: “What the world needs now are vampires… more vampires.” I think that’s how the song goes, but either way, it’s the truth.
                There really is a startling lack of vampire fiction in the entertainment sphere these days. I mean, off the top of my head I can only think of the “Twilight” films, “True Blood” and “Vampire Diaries,” the “Fright Night” remake, the “Dark Shadows” remake and “Being Human.”
The world hungers for more vampires.
                And if there’s one man we can all trust to satiate that hunger, it’s Alexandre Aja, director of such films as “Piranha 3D,” “Hills Have Eyes” (Remake) and “High Tension” (or “Haute Tension” if you’re pretentious). It should also be noted that Aja, for reasons that don’t need to be explained, is also my nemesis.
                Anyway, Aja is in negotiations to direct the big screen adaptation of the vampire comic “Undying Love.”
                “Undying Love” tells the story of an ex-soldier in modern day Hong Kong who falls in love with a beautiful woman. One problem: She’s a bloodsucker. So, he goes off on an epic quest to kill the chief vampire, thus freeing her from her curse so they can be together forever.
                Finally, a vampire love story. It’s about freaking time!
                Source: Joblo

No shirts were harmed during the making of this franchise
 Welcome to Tweeny 
 bopper heaven

                I’d advise you to put in your earplugs riiiight now. You’ve been warned.
                So, it seems the trailer for “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2” will be showing before “The Hunger Games” when the latter hits theaters on March 23. (Puts fingers in ears, waits for unearthly shrieking to subside)
If you’d like your ear drums to remain un-ruptured, you might want to steer clear of theaters for a little while, seeing as though these are the two most popular non-Harry Potter books for young girls in recent memory.     
                God the only way the midnight showing of “The Hunger Games” could be any more of tween girl heaven would be if Justin Bieber was selling popcorn and Taylor Swift was ripping tickets.
                I’ve heard good things about “Hunger Games,” though the whole idea of a dystopian future where people fight to the death on TV for food was handled pretty thoroughly already in “The Running Man”--- both movie and book.
                But hey, let the kids have their fun. How’s about the rest of us go out for ice cream sundaes and mini golf that night? No kids as far as the eye can see.
                Source: Joblo   

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

News: Eric Foreman calls Lucas a dumbass

We have a saying around my house: You live by the sword, you die by the sword. It’s one of those family things, you know. We write it to each other in Christmas cards, say it before meals, have it tattooed on our wrists.
                Usual stuff, really.
                Anyway, that old family motto seems extremely appropriate in regards to this story.
                George Lucas, the king of the tinkerers, has just had his films tinkered with… by someone else! Burn! Extra burn? The man responsible is none other than… Topher f’n Grace star of “That 70’s Show” and uhhh other things.
                Grace took Lucas’ three “Star Wars” prequels and edited them together into ONE 85 minute long movie. That’s one hour and 25 minutes. The length of your average Adam Sandler movie. The prequel trilogy originally totaled almost SEVEN hours. Holy lord.
                Among the highlights of Grace’s edit:
  • Jar Jar Binks is reduced to ONE line
  • Jake Lloyd’s young Anakin is totally gone
  • No General Grevious (Sad)
  • No Trade Federation, midichlorians, Gungans, etc.
                Basically, Grace cut out all the fluff and crap and left 85 coherent minutes that tell basically the same story (Anakin’s rise and eventual fall) without wasting everyone’s time.
                Grace screened his cut in Hollywood for a group of his friends and that will likely be the end of it. There are obviously copyright problems that go along with this kind of project. In order for anything more than the occasional private screening to take place, Lucas would need to grant permission.
And let’s face it, that seems… unlikely isn’t a strong enough word… snowballs have better chances in hell.
Apparently, Grace’s version is pretty good. So “Star Wars” geeks everywhere can take solace in the fact that Lucas, the perpetual changer of his films, has finally gotten beaten at his own game.
Read the full recap here. Definitely worth it.
Source: Slashfilm