Monday, May 28, 2012

Review: Werewolf (1996)

Credentials: 1.7 out of 10 (

Plot: A team of archaeologists--- each with an accent more outrageous than the last--- uncover a werewolf skeleton in the Arizona desert. Yuri (Jorge Rivero), the leader of this poor man’s UN of idiots, quickly becomes obsessed with the power of the skeleton and stars using it to turn random people into werewolves. Eventually, a guy named Paul (Frederico Cavalli) shows up for some reason. He doesn’t seem to have any connection to the archeologists, but he starts hanging around them and could be their only hope for… something. The movie never says what. Anyway, Paul takes a liking to Natalie (Adrianna Miles), a smoking hot blonde and seriously dimwitted member of the team. This angers Yuri and soon all hell breaks loose. Oh yeah, and at a certain point a werewolf drives a car in full wolf form! Bucket list item checked off!   

What it stinks: “Werewolf” is so bad it’s hilariously good.
                The horrible acting, the inexplicable accents, the shear and utter disregard for any semblance of continuity from scene to scene. It’s almost as if the filmmakers were trying to make an awesomely bad movie. Almost. I refuse to give the creative team behind “Werewolf” that much--- really, any--- credit whatsoever.

                The acting, good lord. With her indeterminable accent Adrianna Miles is essentially a busty, blonde Tommy Wiseau. Except Wiseau is much more expressive. Miles just sort of stands there, and occasionally words slip out of her. No conviction, no emotion. Just blah.

                Blah also describes her chemistry with Cavalli. Two trees growing next to each other in a forest have more passion than these guys.
                And then we have Jorge Rivero. He’s nothing special, although compared to Miles, he might as well be Johnny Depp.
                The really interesting thing about Rivero is his hair. It changes almost from scene to scene. Sometimes it’s brown, other times it’s gray. The style is constantly in flux. It’s bizarre. It’s almost like his scenes in “Werewolf” were filmed out of order over the course of 20 years.
                The movie’s continuity problems don’t end on top of Rivero’s head. The film’s werewolves look different every time you see them. Sometimes they’re people with bits of hair spirit gummed to their faces. Other times, the werewolves are portrayed by a guy in a bear costume. Whatever effect is used, you can rest assured knowing it’s crappy-looking.
                “Werewolf” is also jam-packed with Grand Canyon-sized gaps in logic. Take for example the fact that full moons seem to occur every single night in Arizona. At least they do according to “Werewolf.” Wasn’t there anyone on set who completed an elementary level science course? Anyone?           
                Also, you know, it would have been nice if the movie had bothered to explain just who Paul is and why he’s important to the archaeologists. Instead, he shows up halfway through the movie and suddenly becomes the leading man/alleged hero.

                Worst of the worst

                The goofiest, most ridiculous scene in “Werewolf” is without a doubt the werewolf driving sequence. Yuri hops in a car and chases a newly turned werewolf back and forth passed the same gas station for about five minutes. Of course, we weren’t supposed to notice they were driving in circles, but that’s one of those small details that slip through the cracks when you’re a horrible filmmaker. Plus, the sight of a guy in full wolf makeup steering a car is sidesplitting.
                 Video evidence

               There you have it, “Werewolf” (1996). Bumblebee tuna.              

Thursday, May 24, 2012

News: Rock moves, 'Exorcist' hits the small screen

Dude is huge!
Rock gets jiggy... with March...
of next year

                Brace yourselves chickadees. The Rock is on the move.
                Paramount has decided to move Mr. The Rock’s latest work, “G.I. Joe: Retaliation,” out of its June 29 release date and push it all the way back until March 29, 2013.
                These sorts of moves are rarely a good sign (remember poor “Piranha 3DD”).
                Paramount is insisting this isn’t a quality-related move, but was done to allow director John Chu time to convert it into 3-D.
                Also, the People’s Champ (Rock, duh) has said additional scenes are being designed to add to the 3D experience of it all. I can only assume--- and hope--- those scenes involve The Rock’s biceps is some way, shape or form. Am I right ladies? You know what I’m talking about! Up top!
                Regardless of release date, I’ll be seeing “G.I. Joe 2” even though I never saw or cared about part one, for the same reason I saw “Fast Five” despite not seeing most of the “Fast and the Furious” sequels: The Rock makes everything better.
                Source: Huffington Post

Getting Aja vibes from this guy...
‘Exorcist’ heads to TV

                If there was ever a film franchise known for its eternal, rock-solid quality and consistency, it was “The Exorcist.”
                Whoops! There I go again, confusing “Exorcist” and “The Godfather.” Silly me!
                No, “The Exorcist” franchise is a wildly inconsistent, borderline schizophrenic mess consisting of a classic (“The Exorcist”), an offensive steaming pile (“The Exorcist II: The Heretic”), two duds (“The Exorcist: The Beginning” and “Dominion”) and one pretty decent effort (“The Exorcist III: Legion”).
                And now you can go on ahead and add a TV show into the mix.
                Sean Durkin, writer-director of “Martha Marcy May Marlene” is working on a ten episode TV series based around the events of the first film. But don’t call it a remake!
                The series outline goes like this, according to Vulture:
“Durkin’s version of THE EXORCIST follows the events leading up to a demonic possession and especially the after-effects of how a family copes with it: In short, not well (really, after you start seeing stuff like this, can you blame them?), and when medical and psychiatric explanations fail, the desperate family turns to the church, with Father Damien Karras finally brought in to attempt the exorcism.”
Can I get a meh? I always ask myself in these situations: Do we need this? I mean, really need it? Don’t think so.  
I may not be at all interested in this project, but the horror genre’s history with TV is as unruly and unpredictable as “The Exorcist” franchise, so maybe this is a match made in… hell… after all.
Get it? Hell? Cuz it’s about demons. Slap those knees!
Source: JoBlo

Thursday, May 17, 2012

News: 'Battleship' smart and complex

This wild and crazy universe of ours is just full of mysteries. What’s the meaning of life? Is there life on other worlds? Why do people keep going to see those Chipmunk movies?
                But moments ago, while reading this week’s Entertainment Weekly, I encountered a mystery so shocking, so mind-bending, I had to discuss it.
                Hell, the fact that I was even reading Entertainment Weekly is a mystery in and of itself. I canceled my subscription months ago and yet each week a new issue finds its way onto my doorstep.
                I know I’m not paying for it and yet, there it is, like clockwork. Sometimes it comes complete with a “we swear this is the last one” letter from the generous folks at EW, but there’s always another issue right behind it.
 I have no idea how that company is making any money, but if you’re still paying for your EW subscription, I urge you to cancel now. You’ll save yourself some cash and still get the magazine. Win-win. Except for EW, that is.
Whilst I was paging through this week’s complimentary copy, I came upon the “Must List,” which contains 10 things you must do, see, read, etc. Guess what was sitting at number one?
“Battleship” with a bullet! Freaking “Battleship!” Against my better judgment, I decided to read the magazine’s explanation why. And I quote: “Director Peter Berg morphs a kid’s board game into an electrifying, surprisingly complex action movie…”

Complex!?! What the what? Later on in the magazine, a reviewer gave “Battleship” a B+ and called it essentially a smarter “Pearl Harbor” with aliens. The reviewer also said the filmmakers deserve a medal. Again: What the what?
I never thought I would live in a world where “Battleship” got a positive review, let alone got called smarter than something or recommended for medals!
Mind-reeling, I headed over to and saw “Battleship” is currently sitting at 39%, Certified Rotten, so all hope is not lost.
Still, the mystery remains. EW is a (sorta) premiere publication. Could “Battleship” actually be worth our time, America? Could it really be more than “Transformers” + Liam Neeson and water? That’s a heavy question, one I’m certainly not ready to tackle. I’ll let my boy Stephen Hawking handle that one, while I get back to that whole “time travel” thing. I got a theory on that one…
Source: Entertainment Weekly

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

News: Betrayed by 'Chernobyl'

                I know I put on a hard, utterly badass, tough-as-nails-mixed-with-Chuck-Norris-blood front, but I assure you that beneath my crunchy exterior is a soft, nougaty center.
                I feel pain, just like all of the rest of you mortals. Pain, sadness, despair.
                And I felt all of the above when I uncovered this news the other day.
                Well, that’s not totally accurate. It’s not really news. More like months old information that could have easily been uncovered with even a passing search of Imdb. But it was news to me, at the time. And mayhap it’ll be news to you too.
                I’m sure you’ve seen the TV commercials and trailers for the upcoming film, “The Chernobyl Diaries.” In the film, a group of dumb Americans take a tour of the irradiated site of the worst nuclear accident the world has ever known.
                Of course, they decide to film their adventures, and things quickly take a turn for the worst when bad stuff starts going down. Are we talking mutant creatures twisted by years of living in the fallout of Chernobyl? Or is the radiation driving the Americans nuts, as hinted in more recent trailers?
                Who knows, but I was giddy with excitement about finding out the source of their torment. Let’s sit back and watch us a trailer shall we? For old time’s sake.
                So good.
                Then I stumbled upon this bit of info:
                                The Chernobyl Diaries
                                Co-written by: Shane Van Dyke and Carey Van Dyke
                   YES! THE Shane Van Dyke behind “Titanic II,” which currently sits atop this very Cheese List! This bumbling, douchy, hacky oaf co-wrote the Chernobyl Movie! And his brother helped! And Carey’s never written anything before, compared to Shane, who’s never written anything of substance or value.
                My head was spinning. I briefly passed out on my computer keyboard. When I came to an even greater horror awaited me: Starring: Jesse McCartney.
                YES! This Jesse McCartney.

                I felt dirty, betrayed, lied to, used. This movie had sold itself to me using the good name of Oren Peli (“Paranormal Activity”), but lurking just beneath his producer/co-writer credits was a bubbling ooze of untalented douchiness.
Ugh... not this guy again. I still respect the man's travel arrangements.

                One thing’s for sure: I’m not a man who backs down from challenges. I once met my arch nemesis Alexandre Aja head on in a local movie theater. You know, not in person or anything, but I sat there and watched “Piranha 3D,” and much to my surprise and chagrin: I was entertained.     
                And so it is in that same spirit of bull-headed competition that I now announce, I WILL see “Chernobyl Diaries” … in theaters! I will confront the worst the Van Dyke brothers and Jesse McCartney can conjure.
                I will give it a fair and balanced viewing. Real fair and balanced too, not the Fox News pretend kind.
                If it is good, so be it. I’ll admit it in this very space and tip my cap to the Van Dykes and their former pop idol star.
                But if it is as bad as I now expect it to be, I will lay waste to it with the blinding, white hot fury of a thousand angry suns.
                The gauntlet, Shane, Carey and Jesse, has been thrown down. Entertain me! Entertain me!
                Source: There’s no source for this kind of crazed gibberish. Look at IMDB for full cast and crew details.  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

News: 'Scary' and not so much

‘Scary Movie’ super timely

                So, the other day we spent some time gabbing about the upcoming “Scary Movie 5,” and how no one was really looking forward to it.
                Well, Feature Film Auditions has some news that is probably not going to change your mind.
                Turns out, “Scary Movie 5” is going to be a direct spoof of… Darren Aronofsky’s creepy ballet opus “Black Swan!” Woohoo! Super timely! In other news, how’s everyone enjoying their 2010? I know I’m loving it, so much so that I hope 2011 never gets here! Am I right? High five!
                Oh wait. I forgot. It’s currently 2012, and by the time “Scary Movie 5” gets into theaters, it’s going to be 2013. Ehhhhh… Far be it for me to try to teach the producers of “Scary Movie 5” a thing or two about comedy, but seriously?
                Are there any jokes left to tell about this movie that haven’t already been told during the last TWO freaking years?
                I mean, I’m pretty sure Jim Carrey’s SNL skit covered all of the bases. 

                Here’s the plot according to "'Scary Movie 5' will involve the dance world, with a snooty, aloof, imperious, and oversexed French director of a dance company named Pierre putting on a huge production. Jody, a Caucasian late-20's mother of two and her late-20's African American friend Kendra are both vying for the lead in the production. Jody's extremely controlling former dancer mother is determined that Jody will have the brilliant career that eluded her. The highly skilled mid-30's Diva veteran dancer with the company, Heather Daltry, gets cut from the production and goes berserk."
                Not interested. Especially now that Anna Faris has said she won’t be back. What’s the point?
                Source: Joblo

How can he eat at a time like this?
Keep on collectin’

                Thanks a lot Barack Obama.
                As most of you already know, one of the major aspects of Barack Obama’s controversial overhaul of America’s health care system was the provision which said every movie, no matter how poorly received it was--- critically or commercially--- must have a sequel.   
                As a direct result of this bit of blatantly socialist legislation, ladies and gentlemen, I give you “The Collection.”
                That’s right, our so-called President is forcing a sequel to the friggin’ “Collector” (2009) into theaters. 
                In case you’ve forgotten (and you probably have), “The Collector” was a cheap knock off of “Saw” made by Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, the writers of the last four “Saw” movies (I mostly enjoyed those sequels, by the by).
                So these two cats decided to rip off their own movies essentially. Did it work? Considering “The Collector” currently sits at 29% on Rotten Tomatoes and made a cool $9.5 million dollars WORLDWIDE, no it didn’t work at all.
                Point of reference: “The Avengers” made $9.5 million dollars on Saturday between the hours of 12:15 pm and 12:17 pm.
                Anyway, so Melton and Dunstan are back with “The Collection.” Awesome title. Here’s a picture.             

                Well, at least we know why Melton and Dunstan are so fond of torture porn movies--- they’re gluttons for punishment themselves.
                No word yet on when this ugliness will be in theaters, so it’s probably best we all just steer clear of our local cinemas for a while, lest we get stuck seeing this by accident.
                Source: Dread Central

Friday, May 4, 2012

News: Go Go gals get... poster

Well, boys and girls, we’ve got us an early frontrunner for this year’s Oscar ceremony.
                If you’re like me and you like to get an early start in your Oscar pool, you should probably just go right ahead and pencil this one into the Best Picture column now and save some time. This thing is so freakin’ Oscar-baity that it makes “The King’s Speech” look like something a hobo dreamed up.
                I’m of course talking about “Go Go Girls vs. The Nazis.” I mean just look at that brand new poster to the left. Look at it! “Big boobs, big guns, big trouble?” It’s everything a tagline should be.
                In case you were curious, “Go Go Girls vs. The Nazis” tells the epic story of a small Wisconsin town under siege by vile Nazis unleashed by the equally vile Mayor. One can only assume, a troupe of local ladies will be tasked with fighting them off.
                That’s all the info currently available, but it’s enough.
                So, yeah, pretty much just go on ahead and suck it Harvey Weinstein, because this year’s Oscars are already spoken for. Go peddle your wares elsewhere. Or come back next year.
                Source: More Horror