Friday, September 30, 2011

News: Craven talks, 'Kombat' returns and Hitting the Silver Screen!
Craven spills the beans on ‘Scream’
                Not long ago I theorized that horror icon Wes Craven may just be a tiny bit overrated as both a writer and a director.
                Despite directing two tent poles of the horror genre (“Scream” and “Nightmare On Elm Street”), I argued Craven had yet to make a rock solid three act movie. And has made more than his fair share of truly awful movies.
And seeing as though no angry mobs have stormed my home armed with pitchforks and torches, I will stand by that statement.
                Arrow in the Head recently scored an exclusive interview with Craven, and collected some interesting tidbits about this and that, including the future of the “Scream” franchise.
                Yes, even though “Scream 4” was a failure both financially and critically (in this country at least), it still has a future. Craven and crew are just waiting for a script “worthy” of following up the turd that was “Scream 4.”
                However, the most interesting part of the interview, for me anyway, was this little ditty about why “Scream 4” failed to connect with anyone:
                “Maybe we needed to be more brutal and kill off the central characters. I don't know. I tend to not try to second guess myself.”
                What?!?!? No! You don’t say! You mean instead of stroking the egos of your aging cast, you could have finally, FINALLY had the guts to off one of them and lend even the slightest drop of credibility to your stagnating franchise?! No, no one wants that. What we want are new and exciting ways for killers to avoid finishing the job and instead leave Courtney Cox, David Arquette and Neve Campbell in easily escapable situations. Just like Dr. Evil would do.
                Read the full interview over at Arrow in the Head, if you haven’t already.  It’s worth checking out.          

Game on! ‘Mortal Kombat’ reboot in works
                Get ready to start mashing some buttons because “Mortal Kombat” might just be heading back to the big screen for the first time since 1997’s “Annihilation.”
                Allegedly Kevin Tancharoen is on board as director and Oren Uziel is set to write the script. The two were supposed to resurrect the franchise a few years back with “Mortal Kombat: Rebirth,” but that ended up getting turned into a web series instead.
                Outside of that, not much is known about the project except it has a 2013 release date.
Source: Joblo


Thursday, September 29, 2011

News: The Dutch conquer Christmas and Zombie's plus one

Dutch Christmas/horror combo heads stateside

            Christmas and horror movies typically go together like lamb and tuna fish. Outside of Bob Clarke’s classic “Black Christmas,” and Tim Burton’s “Nightmare Before Christmas” the cross-seasonal mash-up has been a colossal failure.
            However, the Dutch are out to change all that with “St. Nick,” which will be hitting stores across the USA on December 20th.
If you’re looking for any last minute stocking stuffers, take a look at this plot summary:
            St. Nick is a disgraced bishop who wreaks havoc all throughout the countryside along with a band of ravenous thieves. Nick’s reign of terror is bought to a fiery end when a gang of locals decide to take the law into their own hands and burn him alive.
            As is often the case, Nick didn’t take to kindly to that and returns every December 5 if there’s a full moon to take his bloody revenge.
            Can the Dutch successfully blend scares and candy canes? Stay tuned…
            Source: Bad Movie Nite

Another brave soul joins Zombie’s “Lords of Salem”

            And amazingly it’s not Sherri Moon Zombie, the wife of “Salem” director/writer and perennial Cheese List favorite Robert Zombie.
            Nope, Sherri’s still not on the bill yet, but come on. We all know she’ll be making an appearance. In this economy, Zombie can’t afford to keep his gal pal out of work for long.
            Anywho, joining the cast is… wait for it… Torsten Voges!
            Who is Torsten Voges? You might just remember him as the tall blonde doctor Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler at some fun with in “Funny People.”
            Voges will be playing the lead signer of a Norwegian death metal band.
            “Lords of Salem” infuses horror and heavy metal, two of Zombie’s specialties, so there’s no excuses if this one is as bad as his last three movies (well more like 2 ¾ movies, part of “Devil’s Rejects was ok). We could be in store for a return to form for Zombie or another epic defeat. Either way, The Cheese List wins.
            Source: Arrow in the Head

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

News: 2-D and grindhouse reign supreme

Back to plain old boring 2-D

            Hopefully everyone out there is content with watching movies in two dimensions, because that third one is about to cost even more.
            Sony Pictures announced it’s sick and tired of footing the eye-wear bill for America’s waning love affair with 3-D and other studios could follow suit.
            Naturally, they’ve decided to pass the buck right along to theater chains. And if you think for one second your local cinema can afford thousands and thousands of cheap plastic glasses, you are sorely mistaken.
            Despite the laughably high price tag on a bucket of popcorn, theaters aren’t exactly rolling in the dough thanks to lopsided deals they made with the big Hollywood studios.
            So, theaters will likely do what all good businesses do:  Screw over their customers by making them customers pay for it.
            The news isn’t all bad. Maybe the higher prices will scare away enough customers to kill off 3-D for a second time. Only seven more revivals to go and we should be rid of the hokey gimmick for good.
            Source: Joblo

‘Grindhouse’ classics come to DVD

Sadly not this one...
            Sadly, none of them are my beloved “Grindhouse: The Full Theatrical Experience.” One day though, come on Tarantino and Rodriguez! Make it happen!
            Full Moon Entertainment, the studio behind the cheese-tastic “Puppetmaster” franchise, has gotten their mitts on the rights to some older grindhouse classics.
The plan is to release them upon the world on Oct. 21, just in time for Halloween.
A quick glance at some of the titles on the list has me convinced Oct. 21 might end up being Christmas for horrible movie fans.
“Mutant Hunt,” “Necropolis” and “Zombiethon” are some of the highlights.
Check out some cover art here or take a look at the full list here.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

News: New trailers for 'Centipede' and zombies

‘Centipede 2’ trailer features two kinds of centipedes!

                Get out your barf bags boys and girls. The first full length trailer for “Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence” weaseled its way online today and the results are actually less disgusting than anticipated.
Then again, this is only the first trailer, so no need to give up hope yet fans of perverted, stomach-turning horror!
                The trailer contains lots of shots of centipedes, both human and insect, slithering around while new baddie “Martin” does horrible, horrible things.
                In case you haven’t heard, Martin is a mentally ill loner who becomes obsessed with the first film, so much so that he decides to recreate it in a nearby warehouse. Being a mentally ill loner, however, he gets a little carried away. Instead of attaching three people together mouth-to-butt, he decides to go with 12!            
                Considering he’s not a surgeon or even a fully functioning human being, I have no idea how he’s able to do that, but he does. So sayeth director Tom Six!
                Maybe the source of Martin’s impressive surgical prowess will be revealed on Oct. 7th when “Human Centipede 2” hits theaters. I won’t know, however, because I won’t be seeing it. I spend my free time watching horrible movies, but even I won’t sink that low.

ZOMG it’s zombies in 3-D!!
                While we’re on the subject of trailers, a new trailer surfaced today for “Night of the Living Dead 3-D: Re-Animation.”
                This is the sequel to a 2006 remake of George Romero’s zombie classic which I never knew existed. Not only did it exist, but apparently it starred Sid Haig as well.
                And this one sounds like a real winner. First off, it stars two B-movie icons in Andrew Divoff (“Wishmaster”) and Jeffrey Combs (“Re-Animator”) as brothers who go face-to-face with a zombie apocalypse.
                But that’s not what the trailer’s about. No sir. The trailer focuses on a character called “Sister Sarah,” a folksy political nut who bears a striking resemblance to a character Tina Fey played on “SNL” not too long ago.
                My first thought after seeing the trailer was: “Is this really a movie?” I won’t step on it, but give the trailer a watch. Left wing types especially might get a chuckle out of it.
                Source: Bad Movie Nite

Monday, September 26, 2011

Alone in the Dark

Credentials: 1% Certified Rotten ( / Named the 15th Worst Reviewed Movie of the 2000s ( / 2.3 out of 10 ( / #80 on the Bottom 100 List ( / 9 out of 100 ( / Nominated for 2 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Director- Uwe Boll and Worst Actress- Tara Reid), won 0
Plot: Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a paranormal investigator hot on the trail of an ancient, demon-worshipping civilization which rumor has it is trying to take over the world. At their disposal is an army of possessed zombie-type things and some mostly invisible monsters with big, scorpion tails. Luckily for humanity Carnby isn’t alone in his quest to save the world. Standing by his side is the greatest archaeologist the world has ever seen... Indiana… oh wait what? It’s Tara Reid? Are you serious? Jesus Christ we’re screwed. All hail our ancient, demon-worshipping overlords! Hail!
Thoughts: “Alone in the Dark” has very little going for it.
For starters, it’s very, VERY loosely based on a videogame franchise. At last count there has been exactly ONE successful videogame-to-movie transition and that was “Resident Evil.” And heck, only the first “Resident Evil” movie was any good, the other three have been “Cheese List” material.
Then there’s the fact that Tara Reid plays a scientist, which is automatically the least believable thing in the movie. It doesn’t matter what else goes down (pigs flyin’, Johnny Depp made up to look unattractive), Tara Reid as a brainy, science type just requires too much suspension of disbelief for this guy.
But really, the biggest problems with “Alone in the Dark” all started behind the camera.
Ladies and gentlemen, Uwe Boll, or as some call him: Germany’s answer to Ed Wood. I don’t believe that comparison for a second, however. Ed Wood made entertainingly bad movies. Boll makes unwatchable garbage.
Once again, he’s crafted a movie so joyless and uninteresting that it’s not even fun to laugh at.
Boll is notorious for making movies on the cheap and with huge stars like Tara Reid and Christian Slater on the bill, it seems like his effects budget got slashed all to hell. So, he overcompensates by making his movie really dark. And not in the Edgar Allen Poe sense either. It’s dark in the: “I can’t tell what’s going on” sense.
Whenever you do happen to catch a glimpse of the monsters, it’s not impressive.
For an action movie, “Alone in the Dark” is pretty light on the action. There are a handful of horribly clichéd fight scenes, but again, they’re so dark you’re basically just listening to the bullets fly.
Usually with movies like “Alone in the Dark,” I do a lot of complaining about how there’s no story or nothing happens. That is NOT the case here.
 “Alone in the Dark” has enough story to cover three or four movies. Not good movies, mind you, but movies nonetheless.
The script by Elan Mastai and Boll veterans Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer has a crap ton going on. I mean how many movies can features zombies, monsters, possession and a demon-worshipping cult?
It’s a lot to keep track of. Fortunately, the movie opens with a laughably long scroll to help to explain it all. It’s basically a term paper. The thing is so long that it’s like someone took the opening scrolls from all six “Star Wars” movies and played them one after another.
And then there’s our leading man Edward Carnby (Slater). He wears a trench coat, has some shady government connections and a very serious demeanor. Problem is, he’s not very likable and no one really believes he knows what he’s doing or talking about at any given second. Basically, if Fox Mulder and Zack Baggins had a baby, that baby would grow up to be Edward Carnby.
:02- An Uwe Boll Film? Typo in the credits, off to a great start
:18- What? 18 minutes?? It feels like an hour at least! Did this timer stop working or what?
:33- I can honestly say that I have NO CLUE what is going on
:52- Big guns and mindless heavy metal music? What a unique idea!
1:12- “Bureau 713” isn’t quite as catchy as, you know, “the X-Files”
Video Evidence
Horrible acted, overwritten and poorly directed: Uwe Boll’s “Alone in the Dark.” Now don’t tell him I said any of this though, or he might try to box me. Because that’s how adults act.
Bumblebee tuna.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

News: More 'Scarface,' Centipedes and really smart people... sigh
Say hello to my lil’ friend… again
                Hip hop community rejoice! The day you’ve waited for is finally here! A remake/reimagining of “Scarface” is in the works!
                That sound you’re hearing right now is a thousand hip hop moguls updating their resumes and threatening vicious beat downs if their agents don’t land the lead role.
                I’ve never really understood the love the second take on “Scarface,” the Al Pacino version, received. I mean, the movie is ok, but radically overrated. It’s too long, agonizingly slow and needlessly talky.
                It has his moments, like the killer finale, but most of the three hours that lead up to it are flatout boring.
                Not much has been finalized yet, as Universal is still interviewing writers, but considering the merchandizing cash cow Pacino’s version became, the studio would be dumb not to do this. Like John Connor said: “Easy money.”

The centipede’s back in town!
                I never watched “The Human Centipede.” I like gory movies, I like gross movies, but there are just some things I don’t need to see. It just so happens that seeing three human beings sharing a digestive track is one of those things.
                So when writer/director Tom Six announced his sequel would take the envelope that part one merely pushed and defecate on it, I knew I’d be skipping it as well.
                Recently, Six (who amazingly seems like an ok guy) sat down and spilled some beans on “The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence.”
                Among the highlights: His plans for a “Human Centipede” trilogy (sweet Jesus).
                Six also commented on whether his reputation as a perverted gore monger (my words) had any effect on the production of part 2. Incredibly, it didn’t. Apparently lots of folks are into mouth to butt stuff.
The recession has clearly made us all nuts.
“Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence” slithers into theaters on Oct. 7.
Smart people are reading your mind!
                I’m not sure I can do this article any justice, but I’ll give it a shot: A bunch of smart people somewhere did something that I can never begin to understand.
                Hmm… not much there. Let me try again.
                Scientists showed some folks a bunch of movie trailers and then used crazily elaborate and expensive technology to recreate the images based off of the subjects’ brainwaves.
                Eggats. The article is interesting, but written for a more science-inclined crowd then myself.
                Plus, I shudder to think about the garbage flowing through my brain after spending the last 10 months watching almost nothing but terrible movies for this blog. Yuck. It’s got to be like a sewer up there now.
                Anywho, my advice to you is to skim the article and skip the big words. Mostly, check out the pictures. The human brain is a horrifying, despicable place. Tom Six would love it there!
                Bumblebee tuna.     

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

'Terminator' runs late, Ghosts en espanol and the slow, public death of Netflix

  New ‘Terminator’ hits the skids?

                You’d be hard-pressed to find a bigger ‘Terminator’ fan than yours truly. Heck, I even appreciated “Salvation” for what it was: a dumb, but surprisingly fun ride.
                So, that said, I’m not sure how I feel about this news concerning the next entry in the beloved killer robot saga.
                Director Justin Lin (“Fast Five”) has been attached to the proposed “Terminator” sequel for some time, but it seem another action sequel may just have nabbed his attention: the 6th “Fast and the Furious” movie.
                Lin may be too busy with Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and a fleet of fast cars to spend any time with Arnold Schwarzenegger and a fleet of Hunter Killer robots. At least for a while.
                This could cause problems for “Terminator” which has been sort of fast-tracked. If producers can’t come up with a new entry by 2018, the franchise’s rights revert back to creator James Cameron. By that time “Fast and the Furious” should be nearing its 13th entry, while the slow-moving, but big-talking Cameron might just be getting around to finishing off the “Avatar” trilogy.

      More ‘Paranormal,’ NEW language
                No, it’s not the Spanish language version of “Paranormal Activity,” which would be awesome.
                What we’ve got is a new poster for a brand new film: “Paranormal Xperience 3-D!” God what a horrible title. It’s like the horror-version of “The Real House Wives of Orange County.” Could you stick any more buzz terms in there?
                This film follows the trials and tribulations of a group of medical students who head to an abandoned mining to find proof ghosts exist. Judging by the hodgepodge trailer, it looks like they find that and a dozen or so other horror clichés.
                The scariest part? This film is from some of the producers of the outstanding Spanish language thriller: “The Orphanage.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lautner fawns, 'Baywatch' rides again, and Carrie meets The Wolfe

Lautner blown away by ‘Breaking Dawn’
He looks so uncomfortable with all those clothes on
                Brace yourself Twihards, part one of “Breaking Dawn,” the Razzie-bait conclusion to the “Twilight Saga,” nay “Twilight Legacy” is only TWO months away.
                Who am I kidding?!?! Go crazy! AHHHHH!
                The perpetually shirtless Taylor Lautner, who plays a third-wheel werewolf in the films, took a break from his day job as “A Piece of Meat,” (that’s an official title) to sit down and watch part one.
                And guess what? He liked it! He really liked it!
                Lautner was “blown away” by what he saw, praised the character development and said co-star Kristen Stewart made for a “pretty hot vampire.”
                “Breaking Dawn” part 1 meanders into theater on November 18. Reserve your tickets now before I get them all.
SourceYahoo! Movies
The Hoff and his chesthair (
‘Baywatch’ to the big screen?
                Finally, I can take my red swim trunks out of storage. The day we’ve all dreamed of is finally upon us: A “Baywatch” feature film is in the works!
                In preparation for the beloved show’s big screen debut, Germany has extradited David Hasselhoff back to the United States and Tiffany Theisen has returned “Amber” to its rightful spot in the middle of her name.
                Peter Tolan, best known as the co-creator of the FX firefighter drama “Rescue Me” has turned in a script to Paramount. At this point, it’s just a waiting game.
                One troubling note: Tolan has said his movie won’t be based on the show, but that there will be subtle nods and winks here and there. Apparently, Hasselhoff and Pam Anderson may return, but will be playing new characters.
              No word yet on whether or not Denis Leary will be donning the red trunks, but we can all keep our fingers crossed.  

"Your stupid lion movie ruined my life!"
Career tips for Sarah Jessica Parker  
                Fresh off of Razzies for Worst Actress and Worst Onscreen Couple for “Sex and the City 2,” Sarah Jessica Parker got some more bad news yesterday: Her latest vehicle, “I Don’t Know How She Does It,” failed to get off the blocks.
                The supposed comedy managed just $4.5 million smackeroos at the box office last weekend, good for a 6th place finish. She was resoundingly bested by hubby Matthew Broderick’s newish movie, “The Lion King 3-D,” which made roughly $30 million, despite the fact that it’s 17 years old and no one cares about 3-D anymore.
                Yahoo movie blog, The Projector, has some advice for SJP courtesy of Pulp Fiction’s lovable problem solver Winston Wolfe. Number one on the list: Kill Carrie. Worth checking out. Just click the link below...
Source: Yahoo! Movies
Bumblebee tuna. 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Rubber (2010)

Credentials: 68% Certified Fresh ( / 59 out of 100 ( / 5.8 out of 10 (
Plot: An abandoned tire wakes up in the middle of the desert and discovers it possesses telekinetic powers. It rolls around for a bit, doing all the things your average tire with psychic powers does until it stumbles upon--- and eventually becomes obsessed with--- a mysterious woman. So the tire follows the mystery lady around, leaving some fun and gory destruction in its wake. And all this happens under the watchful eyes of an in-movie audience. We get to watch the in-movie audience as they watch the events of the movie unfold. It’s all very Meta. Abed from “Community” level Meta.
Thoughts: Well color me disappointed.
First off, let me start by warning you not go into “Rubber” expecting to see a horror comedy about a killer tire. Because despite what my plot summary and every other one you read tells you, the movie is NOT about the tire.
Nope, the real show is the so-called audience members.

The killer tire ends up fighting for screen time with this meta-audience. We spend more time watching them sleep and wander the desert with binoculars than we do watching hardcore, psychic Goodyear carnage.
“Rubber” had all the makings of a kickass horror spoof. And not a “Scary Movie” spoof either, but an honest to god funny and insightful criticism of a genre. Writer/director Quentin Dupieux pays homage to horror classics like “Psycho,” “Carrie” and “Scanners” but seems unwilling to go whole hog.
He wades into the spoof pool, but never makes it past his ankles, relying on his gimmicky Meta audience like a little kid relies on swimmies.
Occasionally, we get to watch the audience members in the movie describe action scenes to us. “This is actually pretty awesome” says one. Great. Yeah, wish I was watching the local cops chase down a murderous tire, but instead I’m listening to some idiot with binoculars tell me about said chase scene.
Now, I’m sure Dupieux had some highfalutin, English-major ideas about analyzing the relationship between an audience and the movie they’re watching. That’s all well and good, but I’d never in a million years sit down and watch that movie. Don’t trick me into giving up my hard-earned dough by pretending your artsy movie is actually something else entirely.
As the end credits rolled, I felt like a dog who just realized there was a heartworm pill in that juicy piece of ham he just ate. Duped. And unlike the dog, I wasn’t better off as a result of the trickery. No, just $3.99 poorer.
“Rubber” isn’t all bad. Certainly Dupieux has some talent as a filmmaker. I just wish he would use his clever and witty sensibilities for something a little more accessible. Or that he’d go back and do some George Lucas caliber tinkering with “Rubber.”      
The highlight of the movie--- outside of the concept itself--- is Stephen Spinella who plays Lt. Chad. Spinella is an absolute crazy person. He brings a manic, mischievous energy to every scene he’s in and is a real treat; despite the fact his character makes no sense whatsoever.
You see, Lt. Chad exists essentially in two places at once in the world of the film. He actively participates in the killer tire storyline, AND hangs out with the audience and comments on how the story isn’t real.
Lt. Chad is the movie’s Meta nature personified. If it wasn’t for Spinella’s over-the-top performance, I’d have hated the character because I never was really sure what he was supposed to be doing or why.  
I’m not sure if anything I just wrote made any sense. I did my best to explain what took place in “Rubber,” but I’m not sure I got it all. Heed my warning: Campy fun this is NOT!
:06- Hey it’s Fat Neil from “Community!” Holy crap does Abed know you’re here? He’d love this garbage.
:26- The hotel is called the “Easy Rest Inn.” Is there any way to rest difficultly? I feel like any degree of difficulty immediately makes something the opposite of resting.
:27- Pretty girl, staying at a seedy, middle-of-nowhere hotel. Yeah seems like a great idea to take a shower with your front door not only unlocked, but wide open. God not even Minka Kelly would play a character this dumb… then again…
:35- Poor tire. He was just trying to look his best
:50- This movie’s tagline should have been: “Because we can, that’s why. Not sit down and shut up.”
1:04- Is NASCAR like porn but for tires? I’m just trying to get to the heart of this scene…
1:18- Wow. It takes real skill to make a 78 minute movie seem at least twice as long as it needed to be

Video Evidence
 The great Stephen Spinella. Plus, this scene should give you some idea of just what "Rubber" really is
No reason...

A movie about a killer tire seemed destined for B-movie greatness. Instead, its heavy-handed, art house pretense got in the way of what could have been a rollicking good time.
Bumblebee tuna.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Coppola, Hollywood and 'Tranformers' stink, Ryan Gosling takes off his shirt!
Coppola’s latest is ‘shockingly bad’
                Or so says critic Chris Bumbray, who goes on to say he left the theater “depressed” and described it as an “utter failure.”
                Oh how the mighty have fallen. It seems like just yesterday, Francis Ford Coppola was delighting audiences with “The Godfather” and “Apocalypse Now.”
                And now here he is, responsible for “Twixt,” possibly one of the worst films of the year and allegedly the worst thing to come out of the Toronto International Film Festival, according to Bumbray. He gave the film a 1 out of 10 grade.
                It’s all very sad.
                “Twixt” stars another fallen icon Val Kilmer as a horror novelist enlisted to help a small town solve a murder. Hmm… that doesn’t seem like a smart idea, but what do I know.
                “Twixt” debuted at the TIFF last week and is currently awaiting a stateside release. Keep your fingers crossed!

6 reasons why Hollywood is an evil, vile place
                Check out this list from Film School Rejects detailing the seedier side of the movie business.
                Included are the reasons why movie theater popcorn is so damn expensive and why you should never say the words: “You know what would make a great movie?” near the heads of any of the major studios.
                Lots of cussing, but this is really a fascinating lesson on the ways movie studios screw over everyone and anyone they can--- including us, the movie going public.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Zombies, zombies, Miley and Sarah Palin

                Cuban zombies making the trip to the mainland
                The Cuban-made zombie comedy “Juan of the Dead” has secured a U.S. / Canada distribution deal, because what the world needs now is more zombies. And vampires. Haven’t heard much about those cats lately either.
                Anywho, “Juan” doesn’t look too bad, sort of like a Spanish-language “Shaun of the Dead,” with its aging slacker takes on the undead with his buddies premise. Shaun’s left some big shoes to fill though so the potential downside here is enormous.
                Is “Juan” up to the task? Find out… eventually. No release date has been set, but there is a mildly amusing trailer if you’re so inclined.
  ‘Resident Evil 5’ cast gets even bigger
                I know what you’re thinking… they’re still making “Resident Evil” movies!??! I know. I had to look on, but I can confirm that “Resident Evil” 3 and 4 do indeed exist and a fifth entry is in the works.
                I’m not sure who keeps going to see these things, but whoever you are please stop. It’s 2011 for god sakes.
                Since it is in fact a movie, “Resident Evil: Retribution” needs actors (warm bodies) besides Milla Jovovich and via Twitter Boris Kodjoe has announced he will be reprising his role of Luther West. You just might remember Kodjoe from his work on J.J. Abram’s “Undercovers.” Or not, since it lasted about 1 ½ episodes. 
                In any case, the inexplicable "Resident Evil 5" stumbles into theaters September 14, 2012.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

'Bucky' bombs with critics, 'Creature' bombs with humanity and Sly Stallone puts America back to work

'Bucky Larson' comes up empty

            I’m sure none of Adam Sandler’s pals expected their latest cinematic endeavor to take home Oscar gold, but this is getting ridiculous. “Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star” (produced by Happy Madison, Sandler’s company) is currently sitting at an astonishing 0% on after 6 days and 26 negative reviews.
Hmmm… I think I can help. Where’s that guy who hated “Toy Story 3” but loved “Jonah Hex?” I’m sure he’s got some room on his year-end top ten list.

'Creature' shatters box office records…

            Just not in a good way.
The no budget horror film starring Sid Haig (House of 1000 Corpses) set the record for lowest opening weekend ever… for a movie released in at least 1,500 theaters.
            Creature managed to scrounge up $331,000 or roughly the amount Michael Bay finds in his couch when he flips over the cushions.
            In case you’re keeping score at home, that total translates to a paltry $220 per theater.
            The story follows a group of sexy teens as they head into a Louisiana bayou and are promptly menaced by a half man, half alligator creator. You know, that old chestnut.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fall Movie Preview

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the official Cheese List Fall Movie Preview. Over the next several hundred words, I plan on giving you a rundown of the movies hitting theaters this fall most likely to end up on The Cheese List one day.
                Not anytime soon though, because there’s almost nothing on this list I plan on seeing in theaters.
                More power to you if you find yourself in a darkened theater over the next couple of weeks being subjected to any of these. I’m not guaranteeing they’ll all be awful, maybe some of them might even be pretty good. All I’m saying is that at first glance, these movies don’t look pretty.
                And here we go…
Shark Night 3-D (September 2)
                A relaxing vacation takes a turn for the worst for a bunch of sexy umm… “teens” when a pod of angry sharks show up and crash the party. Currently sitting at a decidedly unhealthy 13% on, 4.6 out of 10 on and 22 out of 100 on

Inside Out (September 9)
                WWE superstar Triple H is good at a lot of things. He’s a fantastic wrestler, and he works the crowd better than nearly anyone currently on Vince McMahon’s payroll. But few wrestlers have been able to make the jump to the big screen. In “Inside Out,” HHH plays a mobster looking to leave his violent past in the rearview. Take a guess whether or not he’s successful. Rated 25% on, 4.7 out of 10 on and 28 out of 100 on

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (September 9)
                Basically, Adam Sandler gives a bunch of his dumb pals money to make another crappy R-rated comedy that god-willing no one will see. Directed by Tom Brady. No, sadly it’s not THAT Tom Brady. Rated a remarkable 0% on, 2.4 out of 10 on and 11 out of 100 on

I Don’t Know How She Does It (September 16)
                Sarah Jessica Parker juggles home, work and kids in this alleged comedy. Parker is fresh off a pair of Razzie wins for Worst Actress and Worst On-Screen Couple, so let’s see if she can continue her hot streak.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Roommate (2011)

Credentials: 4%, Certified Rotten ( / 23 out of 100 ( / 4 out of 10 (
Plot: Small town ditz and all-around hollow vessel Sara (Minka Kelly) accidentally falls off a turnip truck and finds herself smack dab in the middle of downtown L.A. Not one to complain, she decides to enroll in a local college and take some fashion courses. Unfortunately for Sara, and the rest of us, her roommate Rebecca (Leighton Meester) is a teensy, weensy bit crazed. Before you can say: “I want my money back,” Rebecca becomes completely obsessed with Sara and all heck starts to break loose. You have to say heck, because it’s a PG-13 movie. Only get to cuss so much. Gotta make ‘em count.
Thoughts: If I told you “The Roommate” was directed by a former Academy Award nominee, you’d probably have a good laugh and then start looking for the hidden cameras, correct? Surely, I must be trying to put one over on you.
Sadly, I’m not. The film's director, Christian Christiansen, was indeed nominated for an Academy Award back in 2008 for Best Live Action Short Film. Yes that is an actual category and even more amazing yes that is his real name. He’s from Denmark. I guess they don’t have laws regarding cruel and unusual punishment there otherwise his parents would still be behind bars for their malicious naming practices.
However, Christian squared isn’t the one to blame for this mess, I just thought that was an interesting anecdote.
No, the real villains here are the screenwriters (there are FOUR of them, never a good sign) and the so-called actors. These two unholy forces combine to create a perfect storm of annoying the likes of which has rarely been seen.
Exhibit A: I give you our heroine, Sara.
Sara manages to go an entire 90 minute movie without making a single good decision. That has to be some kind of record. Girl can’t even make a smart choice by accident. The character was supposed to be a bit of a naïve, country gal, but our 4-man writing team got a little carried away. Sara ends up as a candidate for dumbest character of all time. It gets so bad you half expect there to be a 10-minute montage of Sara struggling to wear pants like a jacket and going to class with shoes on her hands.        
Instead we watch her wander around downtown L.A. at night by herself, take pills given to her by a total stranger, and leave her drink unattended in the middle of a crowded bar only to return later to finish imbibing it!
Minka Kelly doesn’t do anything to help matters. As Sara, she delivers all of her lines in a kind of breathy, baby-talk whisper and sort of floats around the screen like she’s in a daze. Naïve she is not. Severely concussed, possibly.
And that brings us to another of Sara’s horrible decisions: her new college beau Stephen, played by Cam Gigandet.
Gigandet takes the term d-bag to levels which were previously believed impossible. He’s supposed to be funny and charming, but he comes across like a total ass clown. The poster boy for cliche frat guys everywhere. The only thing he's missing is the popped coller.  Each scene he’s in makes you want to hit him over the head with something heavy.
As the homicidal maniac Rebecca, Leighton Meester somehow is the most likeable person in the movie. Truth be told, I started rooting for her to off Sara and Stephen because I couldn’t take either of them anymore.
Meester does a fine to middling job, but I suspect she looks a lot better sandwiched in between deadweight like Kelly and Gigandet. Compared to those two, she’s might as well be Helen Mirren.
The script is too by the books, “Fatal Attraction” with teens to elicit any sort of suspense, so you need a little blood and guts to fall back on. At least to keep things interesting. Sadly, the PG-13 rating makes sure things stay mostly nice, clean and bloodless. There is a rather unfortunate scene involving a cat which I will not go into any further.
:13- I think a better title for this movie would have been “Minka Kelly Does Her Best to Get Date Raped”
:22- Wow. Ally Michalka is cultivating nice little niche for herself playing a drunken whore
:27- I haven’t seen the cat in a while, what’s she up to? Probably more interesting than what our human characters are doing
:28- Who’s this Irene person everyone keeps talking about? Might want to let the audience in on that little secret
:29- No shower shoes in a college dorm? Ewww… gross Michalka
:34- “I can take care of myself!” HA! What movie have you been watching Minka? Based on what I’ve seen so far, I would trust you to take care of a pencil, let alone yourself
:43- WHO IS IRENE?????
1:26- Well, it’s not a completely happy ending.

Video Evidence
What a truly original and interesting idea! I don't believe I've ever seen anything like this!
Cam Gigandet in all his douchey glory 
                And so there you go, “The Roommate.” And for the record, my freshman year roommate was way worse than this. Now, THAT would make for an entertaining horror movie. Bumblebee tuna.