Monday, October 31, 2011

Review: The Exorcist II: The Heretic

Credentials: 24% Certified Rotten ( / 3.6 out of 10 (
Plot: Four years after the events in the first film, a priest named Fr. Lamont (Richard Burton) is assigned to investigate the events surrounding the death of Fr. Merrin (Max Von Sydow) and the exorcism of Regan (Linda Blair). Lamont soon discovers that Regan was just one battle in a much larger war against an ancient evil named… Pazuzu. Seems it’s up to him, a therapist (Oscar Winner Louis Fletcher) and some really cheap looking psychic “mind-meld” equipment to fight Pazuzu and bring balance to the umm… force, I guess.
Thoughts: “The Exorcist II: The Heretic” is pretty much the gold standard of horribly misguided sequels. In fact, any time you hear about a sequel being made to one of your favorite movies, you can thank “Exorcist II” for the chill that runs down your spine.
                The original “Exorcist” was a terrifying, intense experience that had audiences fleeing from theaters and into churches, fearing for their souls and promising to turn their lives around. The second one? Well, I can’t confirm it, but I’m sure people were fleeing theaters but for entirely different reasons.

                “Exorcist II” is an insanely confusing, occasionally silly, but mostly boring accident.
                It falls victim to the age-old trap that has felled so many horror sequels: it tries to explain too much.
                The first “Exorcist” was a girl possessed by a demon, possibly the devil. Done deal. We didn’t need anything beyond that. The sequel, however, expands on that idea. We find out it’s not just any demon, but Pazuzu, evil spirit of the air! Tremble in fear!
Not only does the demon get a name, but it gets a body too and that body happens to be a giant locust. Even better, occasionally the film switches over to “Pazuzu-vision.” Basically, we get to see the world through the locust’s eyes, fly around, and harass African villagers. You know, see what a demon does during its spare time.
The mystery, the dread, the tension of the original film are all completely undone right around the first time Pazuzu’s cicada-inspired theme song kicks in.
Another problem is, it’s impossible to sound scared or serious when you’re saying a word like “Pazuzu.” It’s just too goofy.
The biggest victim of this problem is Burton, who is either possessed by the over-acting spirit of William Shatner or under the impression he’s on a stage in London performing Shakespeare instead of in a half-baked horror sequel. The man tries his damdest to sell it, but every time he says “Pazuzu,” you can’t help but smile.
So the movie’s not scary in the slightest bit, but it’s also too long and dull to fall into “so bad its good” territory. Sure the Pazuzu stuff may make “Exorcist II” sound fun, but I assure, at two hours long, it’s not. By the time Lamont travels to Africa and meets James Earl Jones (who, might I add, is dressed like a giant locust) I had absolutely no idea what was going on or why.
“Exorcist II” had some sort of deeper meaning, about good attracting the attention of evil, but William Goodhart’s script took the scenic route getting there. I can at least respect the attempt at doing something original with a sequel instead of rehashing part one for a cheap cash grab. Still, originality isn’t everything. Entertainment value has to come into play somewhere. 
Quick thoughts
                ---Director John Boorman supposedly hated the first film, which also explains the totally different feel of part two
                ---Boy they really tarted Linda Blair up for this movie. She seduces a priest, tap dances AND struts around both sans bra. At least she drew the line with the demon makeup:  “I’ll make out with that priest, but I WILL NOT be a demon again!” You go girl.
                --- Max Von Sydow gets top billing in the credits despite doing almost nothing
                --- Lingering questions: Why are there two Regans near the end? Also: Who/what exactly is Lamont fist fighting?
                ---All of this hypnosis stuff, going into Regan’s mind to investigate Merrin’s death, none of it seems to make any sense, YET every character is totally on board with it. Including the priest, who is apparently better at entering people’s minds than Leo DiCaprio.
                ---The movie’s soundtrack is a charming combination of cicadas, someone screaming random gibberish and nails on a chalkboard
                ---The state-of-the-art psychic mind meld equipment looks like about $5 worth of rubber and aluminum foil, two light bulbs and a couple of wires. I guess they blew the budget on rubber bugs and James Earl Jones’ giant locust costume
Video Evidence
"What's wrong with you?" Linda Blair: Smooth Operator
See James Earl Jones dressed as a huge locust!
                Bumblebee tuna.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

News: Hollywood Has More Lawsuits on Their Hands

 Earlier this month a woman sued the distributors of the film "Drive." She claimed it was promoted incorrectly and trailers made it seem like a "Fast and a Furious" style movie.

Read more here:

Now today Hollywood has another lawsuit on their hands.

This time Sylvester Stallone is being sued by Marcus Webb who wrote the "Cordoba Caper." Webb claims that his story and Stallone's script of "The Expendables" are "strikingly similar and in some places identical." 

Not sure if it took Webb a year too see the movie or it took a year for the courts to bring it to light. Either way, Stallone and his crew have yet too comment and I am sure they are not minding the free publicity. "Expendables 2" hits theaters next summer.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

News: Spielberg points the finger and 'Showgirls 2' on the way
George Lucas: Human punching bag
                George Lucas, the man who created and then savagely destroyed “Star Wars,” apparently can also be faulted for doing the same thing to “Indiana Jones.” I guess some folks just never learn.
                Lucas has been kicked in the butt by fanboys for years for his money-grubbing “Star Wars” prequels and endless tinkering with the classic original trilogy. Now a new, more expensive shoe has entered the ring and it just so happens to be worn by Lucas’ besty: Steven Spielberg.
                In a recent interview with Empire Magazine, Spielberg was highly critical of the pair’s last outing, “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
 Spielberg said he didn’t like the alien angle, but: “I am loyal to my best friend. When he writes a story he believes in - even if I don't believe in it - I'm going to shoot the movie the way George envisaged it."
So there you have it. Lucas will forever be known as the man who turned Darth Vader into a wimp and made Indiana Jones fight aliens.
There was one sword Spielberg was willing to fall on for his friend: It seems Spielberg came up with the whole nuke the fridge bit.
Classy move Steve, but you should’ve just blamed it on Lucas. Like anyone would believe him over you. Heck, if you said it, even Lucas would probably accept it as truth.
Source: Joblo
Get ready for ‘Showgirls 2’ … seriously
                12% on Winner of 7 Razzies at the 1995 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Actress- Elizabeth Berkley, Worst Director- Paul Verhoeven, Worst Screenplay, Worst New Star- Elizabeth Berkley, Worst Screen Couple- "any combination of two people or two body parts" and Worst Original Song- "Walk Into the Wind”). Nominated for 5 others. A Cheese List hopeful.
                Those are the impressive awards racked up by “Showgirls,” the 1995 film about a stripper’s (Elizabeth Berkley) transition to a Vegas dancer.
Considering the movie came out 16 years ago, it seemed like we were well out of the woods as far as a sequel was concerned.
Not so fast. A sequel has been made! Sure the sequel looks bad enough to skip right passed theaters, Blu-Ray and DVD and go right to VHS tape, but it’s a sequel nontheless.
Rena Riffel, who played “Penny Slot” in the original film, wrote, directed AND starred in. Never a good sign.
The trailer is truly an accomplishment worthy of this site. It features choppy editing, barely audible sound, grotesque acting and completely amateurish directing and titles. Any 12-year-old with a Mac could top this trailer in under 20 minutes.
Watch it, I beg you. The film itself premieres in LA on Nov. 9th. So, if you’re in the area…

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

News: The Beard himself appears on set of ‘Expendables 2’

                Only one story this evening. Does that mean I’m getting lazy in my old age? Hardly. A story of this magnitude deserves top solo billing.
                Check out this set pic from the set of “Expendables 2”… if you dare. Warning: It contains dangerous levels of badassness.
                That’s right! It’s THE CHUCK NORRIS! He stopped roundhouse kicking people in the face long enough to allow his image to be captured on film. This is truly a momentous day.
                The promise of Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Willis AND Norris is enough to get my butt in the seats. Throw in the rest of the “Expendables” gang and it just gets silly.
                “Expendables 2” opens wide on August 17, 2012.
                Source: Bad Movie Nite               

Monday, October 24, 2011

Review: Friday the 13th (2009)

Credentials: 25% Certified Rotten ( / 5.5 out of 10 ( / 34 out of 100 (
Plot: A group of twenty somethings head out into the woods for a weekend of fun, booze, illegal drugs and premarital sex. Unfortunately, the woods they select are already occupied by a hulking serial killer with a fondness for machetes and protective hockey equipment who also has some pretty serious mommy issues (Jason played by Derek Mears). Meanwhile, hunky bad boy Clay (Jared Padalecki) seems to have misplaced his sister within the not-so-friendly confines of the same woods. Will he find her before Jason works his magic?
Thoughts: Look, I’m not fooling anybody with this write up. I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting “Friday the 13th” (2009) is the worst movie of all time. Hell, it’s not even the worst “Friday the 13th” movie of all time--- either “Friday the 13th Part 5: A New Beginning” or “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday” wears that crown.
                Still, the “Friday the 13th” remake really ticked me off when I first saw it in theaters two years ago and it ticked me off again when I watched it on Sunday.
                Even though it’s not the worst in the franchise, this is still a not good movie. I reviewed it when it came out for WCU’s The Quad Newspaper and I called it a “missed layup.” It should have been easy, but somehow it wasn’t.
                Out of horror’s un-Holy Trinity--- “Halloween,” “Friday the 13th” and “A Night on Elm Street”--- “Friday” is the one most deserving of a remake. The series was usually entertaining, but it was never all that scary and the quality was sort of meh.
                The best one is part 6 and by that point, Jason is not only basically the hero, but also a zombie.
                Slasher movies are, by their very nature, utterly devoid of logic. Usually. But even by those already low standards, “Friday the 13th” is a logical wasteland.
                Characters do the usual dumb stuff: They wander miles off into the woods at night to pee, they investigate the creepy abandoned summer camp, they can’t figure out how to start their car.
                But new lows are reached when our female lead Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) decides to spend all day wandering around in the woods with a perfect (literally, Padalecki is a gorgeous man) stranger. I mean sure, he claims he’s looking for his missing sister, but I’ve heard worse pickup lines.
                And then there’s the movie’s confused geography. Jason is everywhere at all times. Either he’s actually twins or he can teleport. I can’t think of any other explanation for his uncanny ability to kill a character in one place and then show up on a roof top at a completely separate location moments later.
                In addition to the low bar set by its predecessors, I also had high hopes for this movie thanks to the presence of director Marcus Nispel, who helmed one of the better remakes in recent memory: “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
                Nispel did his job. “Friday” looks cool, although maybe just a hair too much like “Chainsaw.”
                But he couldn’t overcome the dumb script by Damian Shannon and Mark Swift (“Freddy vs. Jason”). The duo basically just pulled plot points from the first four “Friday” flicks, sprinkled in a couple of twists and amped up the gore.
                Unfortunately, this created a massive plot hole with Jason’s backstory. In the first film, Mrs. Voorhees is the killer, out to avenge Jason who drowned in a lake as a young boy. When he shows up in part two as a fully grown and very much alive man, we can forgive the obvious flaw. After all, it’s a sequel. They rarely make sense.
                Swift and Shannon make use of this same storyline early in their movie, only those elements don’t work in the same film. Why didn’t Jason ever tell his mom he was alive so she would stop killing people? Why did he hide from her all that time? Why did he just stand there and watch her die?
Quick Thoughts
                --- Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta) and Chewie (Aaron Yoo) provide some wonderful, moderately against type comedic relief in a sea of d-bags and whores
                --- God I love Jared Padalecki. What hair that man has
                --- So am I to understand Jason is protecting this pot garden? Did he plant it to lure teenagers in?
                ---Man, Crystal Lake has more tunnels than Stalag 13
                --- Jason is like a hockey-loving Rambo with all these traps… “They drew first blood… and tried to smoke my pot…”
                --- These kills are super gory… and very clever.  I’m not scared, but I AM disgusted AND impressed
                And so there you have it, “Friday the 13th” (2009).
                Bumblebee tuna.  

Friday, October 21, 2011

News: 'Angry Birds' and Cheese in Theaters!
‘Angry Birds’ on the big screen?
                Are you ready for “Angry Birds: The Movie?” Well, I hope so because ready or not, the ball has started rolling.
                Rovio, the developer of the insanely popular game, has hired David Maisel to lead the way on the project. Maisel is the former head of Marvel Studios.
                Rovio also recently purchased a Helisinki-based animation studio. No word yet on whether “Angry Birds: The Movie” will be a regular old animated flick or some sort of awful “Scooby Doo,” “Alvin and the Chipmunks” mix of live action and crappy digital effects.
Truth be told, and I may be dating myself here, but I’ve never played “Angry Birds.” I have no idea what the game is about or why everyone on the planet is so obsessed with it. All I know is that it started on cell phones and is now everywhere.
So, I ask you, “Angry Birds” fans: Is there enough material in there to justify a movie, or is this some sort of half-assed cash grab before the next hot cell phone game comes along and steals its thunder?
I mean, almost no one cares about movies based on real video games, so why would anyone want to watch a movie based on a something you play while waiting in line at the grocery story?
Only time…
Source: Yahoo
Cheese in Theaters
                The Three Musketeers- 26% Certified Rotten (
                My thoughts: Really? A Paul Anderson movie got trashed by critics? Talk about short memories. Wow, I can’t believe they turned on the guy who made such classic films as “There Will Be Blood,” and “Boogie Nights” and… wait is that Milla Jovovich? Oh it’s THAT Paul Anderson. Nevermind. Everything seems to be in order here.
                The Mighty Macs- 46% Certified Rotten (
              My thoughts: Star David Boreanaz called into WIP this morning and he seemed very excited about this movie. Maybe one day if I have a daughter or two, I’ll sit them down and watch this on holo-vision or whatever replaces TV in the future. Until that point, “Moneyball” has sort taken care of me and sports movies for a while. I don’t really need to see two underdog stories in a row, so I’m good. Thanks though.
                Johnny English Reborn- 38% Certified Rotten (
                My thoughts: God I loved “Mr. Bean” when it was on the air. It was weird. Some of the episodes were hysterical and while others made me really sad. Something about Rowand Atkinson’s (He also plays Johnny English) performance as an adorable dimwit Londoner just tugged on the old heartstrings. That said, I never saw the first “Johnny English” and I can’t say that I’ll see this one. Still, “Mr. Bean” was great.   

Thursday, October 20, 2011

News: First 5 minutes of 'Musketeers!'

Well, you can all rest easy. The wait is finally over. In just under 90 minutes (American), Paul W.S. Anderson’s three dimensional take on “The Three Musketeers” hits the silver screen.
                Can’t wait 90 minutes? And honestly who could for a film of this magnitude? Only drunks and fools, I’m sure. And you, dear readers are neither drunks nor fools. Of course not. You’re reading this site after all.
                Fear not for the first five minutes of Anderson’s film are available for FREE online! Right now! So you can watch them, go to sleep, wake up and then travel to your local theater to watch the rest of the movie.
                It’ll be like Christmas, if Christmas was centered on watching lame, by-the-books action movies.
                Having watched the clip, it looks just like all of Anderson’s other movies. It has Milla Jovovich, lots of slow motion, crazy gadgets. You know, the usual except everyone’s wearing fancier clothes than normal.
                Anyway, watch the clip if you’d like. Be careful in theaters tomorrow. I’m sure the kids are going to be tearing down the doors to get in and see this thing…
                Most likely because “Paranormal Activity 3” is already sold out. But still, it counts.  
                Source: Bad Movie Nite

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

News: The fish are back in town!

                Despite no longer having an official release date, “Piranha 3DD” has itself a trailer!

                The teaser debuted on the Spike TV Scream Awards on Tuesday evening and it's everything I ever dreamed it would be and more. My friends, this is what cinema should be.
                After watching the 30 second clip several dozen times, I’ve come to the conclusion that “Piranha 3DD” seems to have been made for anyone who felt the first film was too low-key and reserved.
                The teaser alone features an army of girls in skimpy bikinis running in super slo-mo, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd AND a man with two shotguns for legs. (Take that “Grindhouse.”)
                Oh yeah and there are some pissed off killer fish in there somewhere too.
                It’s all almost too much to comprehend. My mind is reeling. Heck, I’m still amazed they’re actually calling it “Piranha 3DD.”
Now that they’ve got moviegoers’ attention, Dimension Films NEEDS to get their act together and get this thing an official release date. Or just give it its old November date back. Just in time for Oscar season.
                Make it happen!
                Source: Joblo

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

News: More 'Transformers' and number talk, less killer fish
‘Transporter’ to ‘Transformers?’
The rumors are all over the interweb: Jason Statham is being considered to play the lead in the upcoming “Transformers” sequels.
Let’s start with the fact that--- much like Chewbacca living on Endor--- this does NOT make sense! Why on god’s green Earth would you put Jason Statham in a “Transformers” movie?
Sure, on the surface a potential marriage between Michael Bay and the star of the laughably over-the-top “Crank” series seems like a match made in heaven. But let’s dig a little deeper.
Statham is known for two things: Kicking the crap out of bad guys and driving the beejesus out of really cool cars. In the “Transformers” universe the bad guys are all either robots or McDreamy from “Grey’s Anatomy” and the cars drive themselves. Doesn’t seem like there’s a whole lot for him to do there.
This is all a lot of talk at this point. Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg aren’t even officially back on board yet.   
Still, I love Jason Statham and if he’s (allegedly) in and Shia’s (supposedly) out, I might actually look forward to the next “Transformers” movie for reasons other than mocking it. We’ll see…
Source: Joblo
‘Piranha’ gets pushed back, nation mourns
                Ladies and gentlemen, Dimension Films has canceled the late November release date of “Piranha 3DD,” and pushed it back until… gasp!… until “sometime in 2012.”  
Please stand, remove your hats and join me in a moment of silence, in remembrance of our flesh-eating, aquatic friends.
And now a little mood music.
Dimension gave no word on why they pushed the film back, but usually this kind of thing is never a good sign.
“Piranha 3DD” was easily my most anticipated movie of the fall/winter. I’m not sure who should feel worse about that statement: me or Hollywood. Either way, I’ll be taking the next several months off from work and heading up to the studio’s New York headquarters to join the “Occupy Dimension” protest.
We are the 99%... of the population who wants to see killer fish eat scantily clad women! We want gore and we want it now! We will not be ignored!       
Asylum toes the copyright infringement line
                On November 11, 2011, Darren Lynn Bousman’s apocalyptic horror flick “11-11-11” will hit theaters. On the same day, Asylum’s knock-off apocalyptic horror flick “11/11/11” will be released on DVD.
                Notice the difference? Even for Asylum, a studio famous for piggy-backing on the success (or potential success) of Hollywood movies with titles like “Transmorphers” and “The Day the Earth Stopped,” this seems a little ridiculous.
                It’s time like this I’m glad my days working at Blockbuster are long gone. I still have nightmares where I’m explaining to confused customers why “The Terminators” looks so cheap and doesn’t have Arnold Schwarzenegger in it. I can’t imagine the horrors of trying to explain the difference between a dash and a slash.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Review: Batman and Robin

Credentials: 13% Certified Rotten ( / 3.5 out of 10 ( / 28 out of 100 ( / Nominated for 11 Razzies at the 1998 Golden Raspberry Awards, won ONE (Worst Supporting Actress- Alicia Silverstone)
Plot: Nobody’s happy in the fourth entry in the “Batman” franchise (second directed by Joel Schumacher). Batman (George Clooney) is pissed his strictly platonic partner Robin (Chris O’Donnell) won’t listen to him. Robin’s annoyed Batman doesn’t treat him as an equal. Batman’s butler Alfred is upset everyone can’t just get along. It’s enough conflict to keep a soap opera busy for a month and we haven’t even added the villains yet! It seems Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) needs diamonds to keep his wife alive and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) wants a world without people, only plants. Despite their very different (the word incompatible comes to mind) endgames, the two decide to team up. Can Batman and Robin put aside their own differences to save the world or will their petty squabbling bring about the end of all mankind?
Thoughts: This truly is Batman’s darkest hour.
And for a guy who watched his parents die in front of him, calls himself the dark knight and dresses up in a Halloween costume year round, that really is saying something.

Now, I remember loving the crap out of “Batman and Robin” when I was younger. Then again, I also loved drinking Coca Cola through sugar straws and I thought Kid’s Cuisine was the bee’s knees. So, my taste as a child was admittedly a little spotty.
I think my fondness for the movie stemmed from the toy line it spawned. How cool the toys were often played a crucial role in determining what movies and TV shows I liked. I was (and remain) materialistic like that.
Those toys have long since been lost to time, garage sales and a beagle who would eat literally anything left within reach. So there’s really not much in “Batman and Robin” for me these days. At 24, I’m well past its target audience.
Even though I’ve still got a soft spot for it in my heart, I can admit there’s a lot wrong with it. A LOT.
For starters, it’s never, EVER a good idea to give Arnold Schwarzenegger an acting blank check. You need to keep a tight lid on him. If you let him do whatever he wants, he’s just going to lose his mind and that’s exactly what happens.
Mr. Freeze is all over the place. Schwarzenegger reaches dangerous levels of hammy acting, thought to be impossible even for a ham as accomplished as him.
Part of it isn’t his fault. The script forces him to speak almost exclusively in winter-themed puns so heinous that no one could pull them off. Still, Freeze is one of Batman’s more interesting villains and the character deserves better than this.
That kind of over-the-top mentality is what ended up crushing Joel Schumacher’s “Batman” vision and what ushered in Christopher Nolan’s striped-down, back-to-basics approach. Goofy and campy is one thing, but “Batman and Robin” goes so much further.
                The movie is chocked full of more eye-piercing neon colors and dopey sight gags than a Spencer’s Gifts.
                Arnie isn’t the only one done in by Akiva Goldsman’s script. The whole cast ends up drowning under the weight of all those puns.
                It takes some awful writing to make George Clooney look bad and Akiva is more than up to the challenge. Actually, I take that back. Clooney, as always, looks fantastic. His preening, strutting, semi-douchey take on Batman, however, leaves something to be desired.
                Chris O’Donnell is basically a forerunner to Chris Evans (The Human Tourch) in the “Fantastic Four” movies. They’re both cocky, headstrong and annoying enough to make you root passionately for the bad guys.
                “Batman and Robin” does have a nice little subplot involving Alfred (Michael Gough) as he attempts to overcome a rare, life-threatening disease. It ends up providing one or two AWW moments between Batman and his trusted butler. Sadly, they’re few and far between.
Random Thoughts
--- Hmm… Arnie gets top billing in “Batman and Robin,” despite playing neither Batman nor Robin. Interesting
--- Wonder why Alfred put nipples on Batman’s suit and Robin’s suit, but not on Batgirl’s suit? I feel like there’s a double standard at work here and I won’t stand for it!
--- Batman and Robin just happen to have ice skates on their boots despite Mr. Freeze never existing before? Really?
--- Alfred’s brother’s name is Wilfred and he is also a butler. Must run in the family
--- Poison Ivy is from the Hannah Montana school of disguises. “If I just change my hair color, no one will recognize me!”
--- Coolio and Alicia Silverstone? This movie is like a 90's Pop Culture Bermuda Triangle  
I wish I could say “Batman and Robin” withstood the test of time, but that would be a lie. It’s perfect for little kids and fans of puns, but anyone over 12 is going to have a hard time staying awake after the Bat-credit card makes its first appearance.
Wow this is a first I think.
             Bumblebee tuna.               

Friday, October 14, 2011

News: Hitting the Silver Screen + '11-11-11' trailer action

‘Saw’ director agrees in theory with Harold Camping
                Darren Lynn Bousman, director of “Saw” 2-4, has some choice words for humanity in the new trailer for his number-themed thriller “11-11-11.” In a nutshell, he agrees with doomsday preacher Harold Camping’s bleak view of humanity’s future.
                Watch the trailer to find out just what he has to say. The clip is less than a minute long, but features some horribly clich├ęd voice over work. Bousman’s message comes right at the end, so I’d urge you to fast forward.
                “11-11-11” follows an American living abroad who uncovers the terrifying truth about the end of the world. Just picture “The Number 23,” but with 11 instead. Compelling and very umm… original… stuff. I bet you can’t guess when it hits theaters.
                How’d you know?
                Source: Bad Movie Nite
Hitting the silver screen
                                Stats: 72% Certified Fresh (
                                What critics said: “In terms of empty-headed exuberance, it’s hard to top ‘Footloose.” –Tom Long, Detroit News
                The Thing (2011)
                                Stats: 34% Certified Rotten (
                                What critics said: “It's the horror equivalent of one of those cheap, straight-to-video animated sequels that Disney's always putting out: same title, same story, none of the inspiration.” –Eric D. Snider,
                The Big Year
                                Stats: 39% Certified Rotten (
                                What critics said: “You doubt that even the people making it enjoyed it. A better title would be "The Big Yawn." –Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Thursday, October 13, 2011

News: The ‘Reunion’ no one asked for

                Like any good Hollywood monster, the “American Pie” franchise keeps coming back for more.
                Full disclaimer: I despise the “America Pie” franchise.
                I’m proud to say that I’ve been on the “who cares” bandwagon with these movies since the first “American Pie” movie hit theaters in the late 90’s.
                I just don’t have any patience for sex comedies starring a bunch of twenty-somethings in a high school setting that doesn’t exist in the real world. Call me a party pooper if you must. I prefer the term pioneer.
                Well, Jason Biggs, his sweat sock, Alyson Hannigan, Sean William Scott and the rest of the crew are back for “American Reunion,” the fourth theatrical entry in the franchise. I’m not going to waste my time counting the gibberish straight-to-DVD entries.
                The red band trailer for “Reunion” hit the web today and it features the usual blend of hackneyed, gross-out humor and sex jokes we’ve come to loathe (or in some strange cases: love).
                If you’ve ever wanted to watch a man in his mid-30’s masturbate in front of a small child, then by god, this is the movie for you. Lord almighty, just typing that sentence made me feel like I fell headfirst into a pile of triceratops dung.
                There’s not enough Purell on the planet to clean off that kind of dirty.
                Anyway, here’s the trailer. Let’s all do our best to NOT see this movie and end this franchise once and for all! Who’s with me? Hoozah!
            Source: IFC

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

News: Universal backs down and 'Die Hard' gets a title
BREAKING NEWS: People like money more than Eddie
                Well surprise, surprise. No one wants to pay $60 to see an Eddie Murphy movie.
                Sorry, I probably should have put a spit-take warning in there somewhere. I’ll wait while you wipe your tasty beverage off the screen.
                Ok, so remember last week when Universal announced it would release the Eddie Murphy/Ben Stiller comedy “The Tower Heist” onDemand a mere three weeks after its theatrical release? Do you also remember that Universal planned to charge customers an obscene $60 for the right to enjoy the movie from home? Do you lastly remember that theater owners were none too pleased with this idea because they (mistakenly) thought people would take Universal up on the insane proposal?
                Boy that’s a lot of remembering. Well go ahead and forget it all because Universal turned tail and ran in the face of possible boycotts by several theater chains.
                Universal isn’t giving up on the idea entirely, and says it will continue to work with theater owners to make it happen with a different film. Next time they’ll try one with a little bit more drawing power, I’d reckon. 
                Source: LA Times
‘Die Hard 5’ gets a punchy title AND a release date!
                Now, this isn’t really bad movie news, because the “Die Hard” franchise is fantastic, each film for different reasons.
                Still, I’d be remiss in my duties not to at least mention this bit of info, because without a doubt, the “Die Hard” films feature some of the silliest and most awesomely bad titles in cinema history.
                The latest entry, part five in the John McLean kick-ass cop saga will be forever known as… “A Good Day to Die Hard.”
                I’m serious.
                You have to respect the amount of thought the “Die Hard” crew puts into these titles. It would be so easy to just go with “Die Hard 5.” Or even lazier: Just call it “Die Hard,” even though a movie in the franchise already exists with that exact same name… I’m looking at you “The Thing” … (2011).
                “A Good Day to Die Hard,” (god I love it already) will storm into theaters on Valentine’s Day 2013.
                Source: Cinema Blend

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

News: Lots of zombies and the super best friends!
‘RE 5’ makeup effects fool paramedics
                One thing’s for sure: Even though “Resident Evil 5” is probably going to suck, its makeup effects sure as hell won’t. Just ask Toronto emergency responders.
Sixteen actors were injured on the set of the latest entry in the long-running zombie franchise when a platform collapsed, sending cast members plummeting as much as 20 feet to the ground.
When emergency personnel arrived on the scene they were faced with an army of blood-soaked, limping ghouls, most of whom were missing at least a limb or two.
Emergency medical spokesman Peter Macintyre said the costumes made it harder for crews to tell just how bad the injuries were.
Once the real wounds were sorted out from the fake ones, medics treated the actors for minor leg and back injuries.
Source: MSNBC

Super best friends on set of ‘Expendables 2’
                Ok well, they’re not the real Super Best Friends (Jesus, Moses, Mohammad, Seaman, ect.), but rather the action movie variety: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis and Sly Stallone.
                Arnie tweeted this pic of the three pals from the set of “The Expendables 2,” which is currently shooting in Bulgaria.


                Here’s hoping we get a little more of the big three in the sequel, rather than just the short pissing contest we got in the first one.
What the world needs now is love sweet love… and zombies
                Word on the streets is Zack Snyder is looking to return to the zombie subgenre he helped revive with the “Dawn of the Dead” remake and is bringing Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. (director, “The Thing” remake) with him.
                The dynamic remake duo is hard at work on a semi-original idea called “Army of the Dead.”
                I say semi, because from the sound of it, it’s basically “Escape from NY,” with zombies.
                From Bad Movie Nite: Las Vegas is overrun by zombies, causing the government to build a wall around it, effectively quarantining the whole city. Then a helicopter crashes behind the walls, presumably trapping a group of humans within.  
                Of course, the last time Snyder worked with zombies; he took a page from “28 Days Later” and turned them from slow, ambling monsters into Olympic sprinters.
                Not content to leave well enough alone, Snyder has once again elected to make some changes to undead lure.
 This time the zombies are looking for some human lovin’. That’s right, Snyder and company’s new take on zombies will feature dude zombies raping human ladies. Said ladies will then give birth to some sort of hybrid creature.
Umm… ewww. The movie is still in the early stages (it’s not even on Imdb yet) so let’s hope cooler heads prevail and this idea gets dropped before going into production.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Review: Glitter

Credentials: 7% Certified Rotten ( / 2.0 out of 10, #49 on the Bottom 100 list ( / 14 out of 100 ( / Nominated for SIX Razzie Awards at the 22nd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Actress- Mariah Carey, Worst Supporting Actress- Max Beesley, Worst On Screen Couple- Mariah Carey’s cleavage, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay), won ONE (Worst Actress). Note: “Freddy Got Fingered” came out the same year and hogged all the Razzies.  
Plot: An aspiring singer named Billie (Mariah Carey) drifts passed implied hardships and achieves fame and fortune in the Big Apple with the help of her record-producing, good-for-nothing boyfriend (Max Beesley). I mean sure, this one bad thing happens at one point, but everyone means on quickly and other than that, it’s smooth sailing baby!
Thoughts: Now look, I’m no music expert. I’ve only watched one season of American Idol and I don’t think the sun rises and sets with Ryan Seacrest. I was always a Dunkleman guy, myself.
                Still, I know a little bit about pop music and the things that occur during the 104 minute runtime of “Glitter” are an absolute affront to pop music.

                The songs in “Glitter” don’t sound like they belong in a serious movie about an artist’s attempt to make it big. They seem like they’d be more at home in “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.” Come on, “I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On?” For reals? That’s the best you could come up with?
                As Executive Music Producer, lead actress and performer, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of Mariah Carey. And seeing as though those songs were supposed to be the foundation the “Glitter” castle was built on, when they fail, the whole sparkly structure fails with them.
                Everything about “Glitter” just feels off. Like the idea that Mariah Carey is playing this young, up and coming starlet. On the surface that doesn’t seem like a huge stretch, seeing as though Carey was once an up and coming starlet.
                The problem is, when “Glitter” was made, Carey was 32. All the piggy tails, goofy “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” ball caps and off-center ponytails in the world aren’t enough to make me believe Mariah Carey is not a girl, not yet a woman.
                Carey's an even worse actress than she is "Executive Music Producer." Not only does she look too old for the part, but she doesn't have to chop to pull it off. She tries to play Billie with a sort of half-baked innocence that just doesn't fit with a kid who was supposed to be from the school of hard knocks.
                Max Beesley, who plays “Dice,” (Billie's love interest and bad boy producer) clearly loves him some Mark Wahlberg. So much so, that he’s willing to spend an entire movie trying to be him. This was Beesely’s one chance at being a star and he wasted it doing a Mark Wahlberg impression. There's only room on this planet for one Mark Wahlberg. Hell, as a society, we’re not even totally cool with Donne Wahlberg because he’s too close.
                The on-screen chemistry between Beesely and Carey is really, honestly awful. There’s just no sizzle. Not even an ember. It reminded me of that “South Park” episode where the boys tried and failed to get an elephant and a pig to mate. Beesley and Carey have slightly less romantic chemistry than the elephant/pig coupling. Some things just aren’t meant to be.
Quick Hits
  • Hey look it’s Padma from Top Chef! Talk about slumming it…
  • Terrance Howard is playing a douche AND a record producer. Dude’s got range. Oh wait, what’s the opposite of range? Typecast that’s the one
  • It must be nice to never struggle with anything ever and have all your dreams come true without burning any calories. I want Mariah Carey’s life
  • Screenwriter Kate Lanier seems to have confused petty squabbling and arbitrary plot twists with real honest to god conflict and character development
  • Wait, so Mariah can sell out Madison Square Garden, but she can still walk the streets and not be recognized?        
           Bumblebee tuna.