Monday, January 30, 2012

Review: Eegah

Credentials: 2.1 out of 10, #57 on the Bottom 100 List (

Plot: Somehow a giant caveman (Richard Kiel) has been living on a mountain directly next to a major highway for hundreds, maybe thousands of years and yet has managed to remain unnoticed. That is until Roxy (Marilyn Manning)--- a floozy with a love for needlessly short skirts and horrible taste in men--- nearly kills him with her car. Soon her idiot dad (Arch Hall, Sr.) dons a safari hat and heads off road for two days to gather info on the caveman with the hopes of writing a book. Two days. Glad to see he was being thorough. Anyway, the dad naturally ends up hopelessly lost and is soon captured by the caveman. So, it’s up to the girl and her utterly useless, pig-faced boyfriend (Arch Hall, Jr.) to save the day. Who’s ready for some horribly uncomfortable attempted rape and even more uncomfortable dialogue?      

Why it stinks: I think the fact that it has a nonsense word for a title is a pretty good indication of the level of Quality you’re getting from “Eegah.”
                Now, you may have noticed something odd in the plot description. I mean, odder than usual. Did you catch the fact that Arch Hall Sr. plays Roxy’s dad? Or how about the fact that his son, Arch Hall Jr. plays Roxy’s boyfriend? That’s right, Hall, Sr. who also directed and co-wrote the film, cast his real life son to play his pretend daughter’s boyfriend. That’s weird.

                Hall, Sr. was a big fan of his son, which makes him a great dad, but a terrible judge of talent. He fills the movie with lots of loving close-ups of his bizarre-looking offspring. Not only can’t the younger Hall (or the older one for that matter) act, but he can’t sing either. Well, no one told his dad, because “Eegah” features THREE full-length Buddy Holly-wannabe musical numbers. THREE! I assure you, each is more agonizing than the last.
                The dialogue, the interaction between the characters, it’s all painfully awkward, especially the father/daughter scenes (See: Worst of the worst). It’s almost as if Hall, Sr. is an alien who had NO Clue how people interact with each other when he made the movie.
                And what about this stupid caveman, whose name is Eegah, by the way, hence the title. Well, his origins are suspect. Rather than justify his youthful appearance and the fact that he’s alive while all of his kinfolk are long since dead, the movie dances around the topic by saying “oh there’s something in the water.” WHAT? Why didn’t he tell any of the other giant cavemen that?
                At a certain point, the caveman decides he wants to have his way with Roxy. Yeah, it gets strange. Lots of endless shots of groping follow that will have you shouting “CUT AWAY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CUT AWAY!” at your TV. Scenes like those are why shots of clouds or empty desert were invented.
Despite the fact--- or maybe because of it--- that the caveman has no dialogue, he is easily the best actor in the movie.
“Eegah” also features horribly dubbed audio, bad cuts and all the other production goofs that are associated with low-budget, low-talent films.

Worst of the Worst

For no reason whatsoever, Roxy decides to give her dad a shave. So, she covers his face in a metric ton of foam and has at it. Somehow, this sequence manages to be almost as hyper-sexualized as the attempted caveman rape scenes. Almost. This is not how fathers and daughters are supposed to act!!! Oh, yeah and then later she shaves the caveman too. It’s even more uncomfortable, especially when he starts licking the shaving cream. Eww.

Video evidence
 Who said that?
Behold the musical talent of Arch Hall, Jr.
And more!
Caveman shaving... ewww.

There’s “Eegah.” Bumblebee tuna.

Friday, January 27, 2012

News: Cheese in Theaters
                One for the Money- 0%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: Katherine Heigl plays a Jersey girl who is short on case so she enters the lucrative and sexy world of uhh… bail bonds. It isn’t long before she ends up hot on the heels of a bail jumper who just so happens to be her ex-flame. OHHHH boy! I can’t even begin to guess how THAT turns out! Some are calling this Heigl’s “Raging Bull,” as the notorious blonde goes brunette GASP! Suck it De Niro.  
                What critics said: “It's official: Katherine Heigl will not rest until every last person on Earth is a misogynist.” David Ehrlich, Boxoffice Magazine
                “No wonder Lionsgate chose not to screen the finished product in advance for review. ‘One for the Money’ is a surefire example of inept filmmaking, absolutely reeking of rote desperation.” -Dustin Putman,

Worthington grows a damn scruffy beard.
                Man on a Ledge- 22%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: Depending on which trailer you watch this is either about an ex-cop (Sam Worthington) who stands on a ledge while a season negotiator (Elizabeth Banks) does her best to talk him down or a heist movie featuring a lot of adorable, comedic bantering between its two unknown leads. Not sure which is more accurate.
                What critics said: “‘Man on a Ledge' is our first legit contender for Best Worst movie of the year.” -Richard Roeper, Richard

Thursday, January 26, 2012

News: 'Crow' remake a-go peeps!
Well, kiddies it’s happening. For now anyway.
                “The Crow” remake/reboot/redo/reimagining is officially a-go. Booyah.
                The project has been on and off for several years now, but it’s currently on and Relatively Media/Dimension Films have settled on a director. Brace yourselves. It’s F. Javier Gutierrez.
                GASP! I know! THE director of “Before the Fall!” Step aside Spielberg, the Gute-man is captaining this ship.  
                Not only that, but the two studios have found themselves a writer as well. Some guy named Jesse Wigutow has been bought in to give the script a little bit of a polish.
                You know, I’m normally open to the idea of a remake (see: “Evil Dead”), but this one just seems like a horrible idea. The original “Crow” is an absolute masterpiece. Brandon Lee is perfection in his final performance. Three very mediocre-to-awful sequels and one lame TV show have tried to expand on “The Crow” and they’ve all failed.
                Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?
                Source: Bad Movie Nite      

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

News: New date for Razzies

The Razzies are packing their bags, pulling up stakes and hitting the road.
                The beloved awards ceremony--- which celebrate the worst movies of the year--- has a new date and it’s quite fitting: April 1, or as it’s better know: April Fool’s Day.
                The Razzies traditionally have announced their nominations the day before the Oscars announces theirs and then held their ceremony one day before the actual Oscar festivities.
                Well, no longer. The Razzies nominees will be announced one day before the Oscar telecast, on Feb. 25 and then it’s off to the actual ceremony on April Fool’s Day.
                What’s the reason behind this madness? "We want to try something different this year," Razzie founder John Wilson told Hmm. Makes sense.
                Wilson was quick to point out if it doesn’t work, they can always change it back next year. Can’t argue with that logic.
                Check back on Feb. 25 for full Razzie coverage right here if you please.
                Source: CinemaBlend  

Monday, January 23, 2012

Review: Street Fighter (1994)

Credentials: 13%, Certified Rotten ( / 3.4 out of 10 (

Plot: A crazed dictator by the name of… M. Bison (WTF?, played by Raul Julia) kidnaps a bunch of Red Cross-types and threatens to kill them unless the rest of the world pays… ONE MILL… oh wait. I mean TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS! It’s up to Col. Guile (Jean Claude Van Damme) and his team of martial arts experts and Australian pop stars (Kylie Minogue) to kick a lot of butt, take a lot of names and--- most importantly--- drop a TON of one liners. Are they up the task? I can say that, at least as far as the last one is concerned, hell yeah!     

Why it stinks: “Street Fighter” has exactly TWO things going for it. The first is the virtually never-ending stream of mostly-hilarious one-liners the characters speak in instead of, you know, actual dialogue. The second is the crazed, scenery gnawing performance of the late, great Raul Julia.
                Without them, I’m not sure I would have made it.
                Now, I’ve never played any of the “Street Fighter” games which this movie was based on, which may have caused me to miss some of the story’s finer points. But I doubt it.
                Everything’s pretty cliché. Basically, it’s your average story of boy meets maniac dictator, boy must stop maniac dictator, etc. Throw in a lot of over-the-top fight scenes and you’ve got the picture.
                     Maybe if I had played the games, I would have cared more about the film’s laundry list of good guys. I mean my god how many good guys does one movie need? I can’t tell you how many heroes got a substantial amount of screen time (seemed like around a dozen), but I can tell you how many of their names I know: two. Guile and Ryu. All the rest combined to form a nameless, faceless blob of heroism.     
                 It didn’t matter. I was rooting for Bison the whole time anyway. Raul Julia is just having way too much fun hamming it up while saying things like “superconductor electromagnetism” to root for anyone else.
                Side note: What the hell kind of name is Bison anyway?
                Not only did I never get into the “Street Fighter” games, I also missed out on the Jean Claude Van Damme phase as well. I could never look at him as anything but an extremely poor man’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.
                He just doesn’t do it for me. He’s got the goofy accent and huge guns, but he lacks Arnie’s charisma.
                  The actions scenes are OK, but nothing special. Lots of blah martial arts gibberish and spin kicks. None of them managed to distinguish themselves outside of the film’s aerial climatic battle. That was pretty darn alright… cuz Bison was there.

Worst of the worst

                Oh no you don’t Jean Claude Van Damme. You do NOT get to steal Arnie’s catchphrases! “I need a vacation” belongs to “Terminator 2.” Find your own quips.  

Video evidence

                Bumblebee tuna.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Cheese in Theaters

Red Tails--- 33%, Certified Rotten

What is it: In order to help win WWII, the US government turns to an untested group of Africa-American pilots from the Tuskegee training program. Terrence Howard and GASP! Cuba Gooding Jr. star. Where the heck have you been Cuba? Guess someone got a little jealous watching Hartnett and Affleck doing all that flying in “Pearl Harbor,” eh?

What critics said: “A feature film that falls much closer to the goofy ‘Hogan's Heroes’ in the spectrum of World War II-focused productions than ‘Saving Private Ryan.’” ---Mary F. Pols, TIME Magazine

                “That the script for a film that has been in some form of development for over 20 years should be so stilted and, well, dumb simply boggles the mind.” ---Scott Collura, IGN Movies

Underworld: Awakening--- 27%, Certified Rotten

What is it: The fourth installment in the vampires vs. werewolves franchise features the return of the lovely Kate Beckinsale as the vampire warrior Selene. She skipped out on part three, as did I. Coincidence? Probably. Anyway, this time around she got to deal with evil nasty human beings who are determined to wipe out vampires and werewolves forever. The always delightful Stephen Rea joins the cast as a conniving human type.   

What critics said: “It's not awful enough to be considered truly dreadful but it's just shockingly asleep for a movie subtitled ‘Awakening.’” -Brian Tallerico,