Sunday, August 28, 2011

Disaster Movie

Credentials: 1.7 out of 10, #21 (Bottom 100) ( / 2% Certified Rotten ( / 15 out of 100 ( / Nominated for SIX Razzies, won nothing at the 29th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Supporting Actress- Kim Kardashian, Worst Supporting Actress- Carmen Electra, Worst Prequel, Sequel, Remake or Rip-off, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay)
Plot: Hmmm… Does the sound of me sobbing uncontrollably count as a plot description? No? Damn, thought I had it. Ok, a group of people wander aimlessly through non sequiturs and pop culture references for 90 of the longest minutes you can possibly imagine. Occasionally a tornado drops by or someone gets crushed by an asteroid, but these events are mere afterthoughts, shoehorned in for the sole purpose of justifying the title.
Thoughts: In honor of the events of this past week (earthquake on Tuesday, hurricane Saturday and Sunday, apocalypse Wednesday) it only seemed appropriate to watch a movie with disaster right there in the title.

Want to watch “Disaster Movie” but don’t feel like actually sitting down and watching “Disaster Movie?” I don’t blame you. Here’s a fun and easy way you can experience it without ruining your cinema street cred with Netflix or the guy behind the counter at Blockbuster.
                Step 1: Turn on your television set
                Step 2: Pick up you television remote control
                Step 3: Place the remote control under a cushion on your couch
                Step: 4: Sit down on said cushion
                Step 5: Remain seated for 90 minutes
                Watching the channels flip by randomly, catching 30 seconds of one show, 15 seconds of another, should give you a pretty good idea of what “Disaster Movie” is like. Actually, it might be slightly more cohesive and linear, but you’ll get the point.
                This movie has absolutely ZERO redeeming qualities. I can’t imagine how anyone or anything walking, crawling or slithering across this great planet of ours or swimming in its oceans could actually derive any sort of twisted pleasure from it.
                Mug shots of writer/directors Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg should be hanging in post offices all around the nation, bearing the phrase: "Wanted for heinous crimes against cinema." This is the decidedly un-dynamic duo behind such noted masterpieces as “Date Movie,” “Meet the Spartans” and “Scary Movie.”  
                Masquerading as a “spoof” of disaster movies, this is anything but. It’s just a collection of clips, characters and jokes from ANYTHING that was popular during the time period after “Epic Movie” came out. “The Day after Tomorrow,” “Juno,” “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls,” even “Hannah Montana” are all fair game for some reason.   
                Seltzer and Friedberg clearly have a very low opinion of their audience. You can almost hear them saying: “We need to have a fart joke or pop culture reference every 3 seconds or we’ll lose them!” And so that’s exactly what they do. It’s ADD filmmaking at its umm… finest, I guess.
                It’s weird because the pair only do comedies, yet they have no comedic timing whatsoever. Like I said, usually the jokes fly way too fast and end up running into each other.  Occasionally though, the jokes are dragged out over painfully long, stretches that had me bargaining with my computer screen for it to all end.
                The best and most clever insight they come up with is to point out that “Juno” doesn’t talk like a high school girl and that the character was “overwritten.” Yeah, except your movie came out a year after “Juno,” and so we all already knew that. And since when did you guys become Billy Shakespeare and Herman Melville? Who are you to criticize anyone else’s writing?
                If you’re still not convinced all of the unsold copies (I’m sure there are plenty) of “Disaster Movie” on DVD and Blu-Ray (HA!) should be rounded up and dropped into an active volcano as a peace offering (or counterattack) to Mother Nature, consider this: Kim Kardashian is one of the female LEADS! And it’s not a reality show or sex tape! Amazing.  
:01- Oh good, got that first poop joke out of the way
:03- Wow, sort of an unfortunate Amy Winehouse joke there
:29- Yeah that stupid foot gag wasn’t funny in “Don’t Mess With the Zohan,” so I’m not sure why you guys thought it would work better here…
:31- Hold on a minute. Was “Jumper” REALLY worth spoofing? I mean, does anyone even remember that movie?
:38- In the last two minutes this movie has ripped off “Terminator” AND “South Park,” now they’re just messing with me
:44- I’m kind of torn between which character is more grating to listen to… the “Enchanted” princess or “Juno”
:57- When are we going to move past this idea that nerdy white people talking and acting like gangsta rappers is funny?
:57- Oh good a Michael Jackson joke. Wouldn’t be a Seltzer/Friedberg joint without one of those
1:12- No one wanted to watch the Love Guru in “Love Guru,” what makes you think we want to watch him in another movie?
1:20- Just dawned on me that this movie was made in 2008. Sad, I really thought we were better than that…
                And so thar she blows. “Disaster Movie.”

                Before we go, let's find out what Hitler thought of "Disaster Movie"

                Spot on. Bumblebee tuna.  

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