Wednesday, March 6, 2013

News: 'Twilight' is a big ol' sin

Hating on “Twilight” is old hat and, frankly, a little blow this here blog. I’ve purposefully avoided reviewing any of these movies because A) I know I’m going to hate them all, and B) They weren’t meant for me, they were meant for people who loved the books for some reason.
                So yeah, no point in reviewing ’em. I’m a busy man. I need to follow Wes Craven and Alex Aja around and yell at them for things.
                And yet here we are on this Wednesday evening. We were promised snow and thus far, nothing. It’s an evening of lies.
                It’s also an evening of no interesting news stories on the bad movie front. No stories at all … except … for …
                The good folks over at CinemaSins have set their critical eyes on “Twilight.” In case you’re unfamiliar with their work, the CinemaSins gang has produced such hit Youtube videos as “Everything Wrong with ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in 3 Minutes or Less,” “Everything Wrong with ‘Avatar in 3 Minutes or Less,” and “Everything Wrong with ‘The Hunger Games’ in 3 Minutes or Less.”
                Basically, they go in and mock/nitpick a movie until it can be mocked and nitpicked no more.
                And boy do they go to town on “Twilight.” The wind up finding over a 100 things wrong with the movie, many of which involved Kristen Stewart’s dead-fish portrayal of Bella Swan.
                For comparison's sake, that's over 40 more problems than they found with "Skyfall," despite that movie being way longer than "Twilight." 
                You can check out the video if you’d like right here.

                Personally, I’ll stick with MST3K and Rifftrax, but to each their own.
                Source: NBC News

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

News: Oooooh! 'Evil' sequels everywhere
Raimi makes everyone's day

The “Evil Dead” remake is right around the corner and the horror world is holding its breath in a sickly mix of fear and anticipation. Will it be good? Will it suck horribly? Is there even the slightest chance of a Bruce Campbell cameo?
                 So many questions, but no answers until one month from today, April 5 of this year. Until then. We wait.
                Well, we wait and we get this news from BleedingCool.
                While pimping his latest effort, “Oz: The Great and Powerful” in London, original “Evil Dead” director Sam Raimi dropped a bombshell.
                He wants to make “Evil Dead 4.” Not a remake, reboot or reimagining. An honest-to-God American sequel. Or four-ple.
                 He added that he and his brother (most likely Ivan) plan on working on the script … wait for it … this summer!
                This isn’t some idle pillow talk from Raimi. This sounds like a frigging plan!
                Just wonderful news. So even if the remake ends up as a massive disaster, there’s a potential sequel to the original franchise looming on the horizon, just waiting to make everything OK.
                God speed Raimi brothers. Make it so!
                Source: BleedingCool

Add caption
Is the sun setting on 'Resident Evil'? 
                And then there’s this sequel news. Not as exciting, or really at all exciting, but you know. It’s a thing.
                There’s more “Resident Evil” a-coming. Well, at least one more.
                Sony has greenlit “Resident Evil 6” and given it a release date of September 12, 2014.
                No confirmation yet on whether the bad Paul Anderson will be back to direct, or if his lovely wife Mila Jovovich will return for part six, but duh. They’ll be there.
                After part four came out, Anderson did lots of talking about how he was starting up a new trilogy of films, meaning this one could very well be the last of the Anderson/Jovovich “Resident Evil” film series.
                So yeah. Grab some tissues and such. It’s so hard … to say goodbye … to yesterday.
                I’m strongly, strongly considering a “Resident Evil” week or marathon or something where I watch all five of these movies. Well, really, I don’t think the first one belongs on The Cheese List. That’s a good movie. Part two sucks and I haven’t seen the rest.
                I’ll keep you posted.
                Source: Shock Til You Drop   

Monday, March 4, 2013

Cheese List Preview

This week’s Cheese List entry is focused on two things: hockey and the fine art of woo-ing a fella or lady depending on your preference.
                It was co-written by and stars a comedy icon. He’s a former “SNL”-er who has created some of the most memorable big screen characters of all time.
                Also in there is one of the most successful musicians of our time. A guy who once made time with the leading lady from last week’s Cheese List movie.
                The film tells the story of a pro hockey player who needs a little help with the ladies before he can truly make it big.
                I’m of course talking about Mike Myers and Justin “J.T.” Timberlake! The movie… well, it’s “The Love Guru.”

                Credentials:14%, Certified Rotten ( // 3.8 out of 10 ( //24 out of 100 ( // Nominated for 7 Golden Raspberry Awards at the 2009 Razzies, won 3 (Worst Actor- Mike Myers, Worst Picture, Worst Screenplay)
                Let’s see what the critics had to say about “The Love Guru.”
                “It’s just deadly,” said Richard Roeper of Ebert and Roeper. Hmmm… let’s hope he was exaggerating just slightly or a whole lot. I’m not that dedicated to this unpaid blogging venture.
                “It's a rare film that makes a reviewer consider giving up the movies altogether. My own Waterloo came forty-five minutes into ‘The Love Guru’ when I briefly considered stabbing out my own eyes so that I wouldn't have to watch it anymore,” said Joshua Starnes from I’m seriously beginning to regret this decision.
                Let’s get some good news shall we?
                “I guess the real audience is 40 year-old men with the mind of an 8 year-old,” pointed out Scott Nash from Three Movie Buffs. Well, I may not be 40, but I’m still full of childlike wonderment and such. So yeah. Good news.
                Bumblebee tuna.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Review: Crossroads

Plot: Three adorable, precocious little girls bury a shoebox filled with all their hopes and dreams for the future. Several years later, upon their high school graduation, the girls return to dig up the box, just like they swore.  Only problem is? Well, they all kinda hate each other now. One of them grew up to be Britney Spears, the other grew up to be a trashy trailer park gal with a lisp, a baby in her belly and a heart of gold (Taryn Manning), and the other one is now a bitchy Queen Bee type (Zoe Saldana). So even though they hate each other, they still dig up the box and then pretty much out of the blue, they decide to take a road trip together to California. Seems the trailer park gal wants to take part in some kind of singing competition, the Queen Bee wants to go see her boyfriend and the Brit would just love to see her estranged mom who lives in Arizona. Only problem? They need someone to drive them there. Luckily there’s a generic good-looking guy hanging around town who may or may not have been in jail for murder. After all, what could possibly go wrong for three young ladies traveling cross country with a suspected homicidal maniac? Oh …

Thoughts: Well, luckily for our three leading ladies, “Crossroads” ain’t that kind of movie. Turns out the guy is not a killer and in addition to being extremely, generically handsome, he also has a heart of gold.
                Oh well. You get lucky sometimes.
                So, let’s see. “Crossroads.”

Mixed bag of acting, weak, shallow and cliche story, a total lack of focus, but the adorable Taryn Manning would almost, almost make me OK with watching it again many years from now.

                People throw around the term “star vehicle” to describe movies built for the sole purpose of putting over an actor or actress. Never before has that term been so accurate. Everything in “Crossroads” exists solely to serve Brit.
                Everything in the movie is hers for the taking. Spoiler alert, she gets the generically handsome dude, even though he started out sort of friendly with the trailer park gal. While she’s at it, Brit also takes the trailer park gal’s lifelong dream of becoming a singer and gets to perform at the big singing competition.
                Somehow, through all those trials and tribulations, the trailer park gal never loses her spunk or her positive outlook on life. Even after she has a miscarriage. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, her baby dies. There’s some random heavy stuff in this movie.
                This girl gets so much crap dumped on her throughout the movie (she was raped earlier in her life, too, told you about the heavy stuff) it’s mind boggling that trailer park gal never just absolutely loses her mind.  Especially when she has to sit there and listen to the other two girls complain about their lives.
                Oh boo-hoo Brit, your mom doesn’t love you and Queen Bee, your boyfriend cheated on you.
                Needless to say, it’s kind of hard to care about the other two leading ladies. I did really like the trailer park gal though. Taryn Manning is a cutie and how could you not like such a punching bag of a character?  
                Let’s not forget the fact that there’s really no reason for these three girls to be together. They haven’t been friends for years, in fact, Brit and the Queen Bee are depicted as basically enemies at the start. Yet all that goes away almost for good at the first mention of the word road trip.                     
                In addition to the clunky story, “Crossroads” just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense as a movie. It’s meant for younger girls, I guess, due to Brittney being in it, but there’s underage drinking, premarital sex, endless examples of parental authority being ignored. Not a great message to send to kids. Also, Britney dancing around for long stretches of time in her undies sends a weird message too.
                Allow me to get philosophical for a moment. Perhaps, like the soundtrack’s big hit “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman,” “Crossroads” is stuck in the middle. It’s got too much adult stuff to work for kids and is too mind-numbingly hollow and Britney-centric to be geared towards adults. So it’s stuck somewhere out in the middle, not really doing much of anything for anyone.
                The few times Britney gets to stretch her chops as an actress are kind of a mixed bag. She’s got one good scene with the generic good-looking dude after her mom rejects her, but she’s got plenty of other clunkers that cancel it out.
                The rest of the cast, including Dan Akroyd as Brit’s loving, but overwhelming father, is completely forgettable outside of Manning. Everyone else, feh!

                Worst of the Worst

                Britney and the generic good-looking guy sit around a piano to turn a poem she wrote into a moving, beautiful song. Well, they try anyway. The song’s terrible and they’ve got the exact opposite of chemistry.  The scene is super uncomfortable to watch and man is that one of the most childish and stupid songs ever written? Brit, lose the heavy-handed messages and stick to catchy pop tunes.
                There you go, “Crossroads.” Bumblebee tuna.  

Thursday, February 28, 2013

News: Disney prepares 'super-finger' for 'Cars' fans


Remember the days when Dane Cook ruled the world?
                Boy did they suck.
                Every time anyone tried to tell a story, it turned into a Dane Cook routine --- nothing but a crazy amount of details, over-the-top hand gestures and spastic poses and lots of pacing back and forth.
                You’d spend half of their lengthy monologue praying for it to end and the other half trying not to get smacked in the face.
                And three or four failed attempts at movie career and poof! Suddenly we all agree Dane Cook is a douchebag and that’s that. No more painful comedy routines masquerading as conversations.
                But now this news happens.
                Dane Cook is all set to voice the lead character Dusty in the Disney animated film: “Planes.”
                Yup, that’s right Disney has a spinoff of “Cars” chambered. With no involvement from Pixar. Initially this thing was supposed to go straight-to-video, but then Disney changed its mind and decided to ship it into theaters on August 9 of this year.
                The story goes: Dusty wants to race, but he wasn’t built to race. So, he meets up with a veteran racer who shows him the ropes. There you go. That story with Dane Cook voicing the lead. And no help from Pixar. And a former straight-to-video background.
                Should be awesome.