Sunday, November 27, 2011

Review: White Chicks

Credentials: 15%, Certified Rotten ( / 4.9 out of 10 ( / 41 out of 100 ( / Nominated for five Razzies at the 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actresses (Wayans Bros.), Worst On Screen Couple (Wayans Bros.))

Plot: Hoping to get back into their boss’ good graces, two black FBI agents (Shawn and Marlon Wayans) go undercover as two Hilton-esque--- read: very white--- heiresses to foil a dastardly kidnapping plot. Naturally, oodles and oodles of gender and race inspired wackiness ensues. Also, fart jokes, but that goes without saying. Will our heroes save the day or will someone, anyone notice they aren’t actually white chicks?

Why it stinks: To be perfectly fair to “White Chicks,” it’s not as bad as I expected. Then again, I expected it to be slightly worse than the videotape from “The Ring” that kills you seven days after you watch it, so take from that what you will.
                I have a strange relationship with the Wayans Bros. Their old sitcom has a special place in my heart, and yet I’ve hated every single movie they’ve pooped out since then. Maybe TV is just a better medium for their humor. Or maybe they need to stop making lazy movies. Only Cthulhu knows for sure.

                Perhaps “White Chicks” just suffers from a bit of “Wayans overload.” Another brother, Keenen Ivory, directed and co-wrote it. Kind of makes you wonder just how in the hell Damon avoided stepping in this mess.
                Anyway, the biggest problem with “White Chicks” is the creepy makeup effects used to transform the Wayans’ into two super-pasty yuppie gals. It’s honestly the stuff nightmares are made of. We’re talking Tom Cruise in “Vanilla Sky”… AFTER the car accident.   
                If you can get past the strangeness of their appearance (it’s a struggle), there are some funny moments in the movie. The love angle between a crazily-muscled NBA superstar (played by Terry Crews) and an in-drag Marlon makes for some silly moments.
                Sadly, the movie’s other relationships, between Marlon and his wife and Shawn and an aspiring investigative reporter, both fall flat on their faces. Also, I’m not completely sure how the whole kidnapping plot worked. And the big twist at the end wasn’t all that twisty.
                There are a handful of other laugh-out-loud moments scattered throughout. One great sight gag comes after one of our heroes (couldn’t tell them apart in that makeup) crams himself into a skin tight leather outfit, only to end up walking around like Igor.  
                But when push comes to shove, the Wayans Bros. and the rest of their SEVEN person writing team (!!!) are content to just fall back on endless strings of fart jokes and hope for the best.
                The female supporting cast is totally useless. Even the presence of lovely and talented ladies like Jennifer Carpenter and Brittany Daniel can’t make the characters interesting or even, at the very least, tolerable.

                --- Two heads are better than one. SEVEN heads are way, way less funny than two. Interesting how that works out.
                --- “Blacky Chan?” “Hasta la vista Schwarzen-negro!” Now THAT’S the Wayans Bros. I know and love
                --- Worst of the worst runner-up: The Bjork meets “Carrie” meets Chinese New Year fashion show
Worst of the worst
                I’d have to say the worst scene is Marlon’s darn near unwatchable in-drag bout with explosive diarrhea. Say what you will about me, but I just don’t dig on the toilet humor for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m over 12?

Video Evidence
 Ahh, Terry Crews. What a guy
Yay another tired dance number
The Worst of the worst... yuck.
                And so there you have it, “White Chicks.” Bumblebee tuna.       

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