Credentials: 15%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) /
4.9 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 41 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / Nominated for five
Razzies at the 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Director,
Worst Screenplay, Worst Actresses (Wayans Bros.), Worst On Screen Couple
(Wayans Bros.))
Plot: Hoping to get back into their boss’ good graces, two
black FBI agents (Shawn and Marlon Wayans) go undercover as two Hilton-esque---
read: very white--- heiresses to foil a dastardly kidnapping plot. Naturally, oodles
and oodles of gender and race inspired wackiness ensues. Also, fart jokes, but
that goes without saying. Will our heroes save the day or will someone, anyone
notice they aren’t actually white chicks?
Why it stinks: To be perfectly fair to “White Chicks,” it’s
not as bad as I expected. Then again, I expected it to be slightly worse than
the videotape from “The Ring” that kills you seven days after you watch it, so
take from that what you will.
I have
a strange relationship with the Wayans Bros. Their old sitcom has a special
place in my heart, and yet I’ve hated every single movie they’ve pooped
out since then. Maybe TV is just a better medium for their humor. Or maybe they
need to stop making lazy movies. Only Cthulhu knows for sure.
Perhaps
“White Chicks” just suffers from a bit of “Wayans overload.” Another brother, Keenen
Ivory, directed and co-wrote it. Kind of makes you wonder just how in the hell
Damon avoided stepping in this mess.
Anyway,
the biggest problem with “White Chicks” is the creepy makeup effects used to
transform the Wayans’ into two super-pasty yuppie gals. It’s honestly the stuff
nightmares are made of. We’re talking Tom Cruise in “Vanilla Sky”… AFTER the
car accident.
If you
can get past the strangeness of their appearance (it’s a struggle), there are
some funny moments in the movie. The love angle between a crazily-muscled NBA
superstar (played by Terry Crews) and an in-drag Marlon makes for some silly
moments.
Sadly,
the movie’s other relationships, between Marlon and his wife and Shawn and an
aspiring investigative reporter, both fall flat on their faces. Also, I’m not
completely sure how the whole kidnapping plot worked. And the big twist at the
end wasn’t all that twisty.
There
are a handful of other laugh-out-loud moments scattered throughout. One great
sight gag comes after one of our heroes (couldn’t tell them apart in that
makeup) crams himself into a skin tight leather outfit, only to end up walking
around like Igor.
But when
push comes to shove, the Wayans Bros. and the rest of their SEVEN person
writing team (!!!) are content to just fall back on endless strings of fart
jokes and hope for the best.
The
female supporting cast is totally useless. Even the presence of lovely and
talented ladies like Jennifer Carpenter and Brittany Daniel can’t make the
characters interesting or even, at the very least, tolerable.
--- Two
heads are better than one. SEVEN heads are way, way less funny than two.
Interesting how that works out.
--- “Blacky
Chan?” “Hasta la vista Schwarzen-negro!” Now THAT’S the Wayans Bros. I know and
love
--- Worst
of the worst runner-up: The Bjork meets “Carrie” meets Chinese New Year fashion
show
Worst of the worst
I’d
have to say the worst scene is Marlon’s darn near unwatchable in-drag bout with
explosive diarrhea. Say what you will about me, but I just don’t dig on the toilet
humor for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m over 12?
Video Evidence
Ahh, Terry Crews. What a guy
Yay another tired dance number
The Worst of the worst... yuck.
And so
there you have it, “White Chicks.” Bumblebee tuna.
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