Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Titanic II

I'd rather have watched this movie.
Credentials: 1.9 out of 10 ( The fact hasn't touched this movie yet should be some indication of its quality.
Plot: The sequel to James Cameron’s 1997 megahit about the doomed ocean liner… oh wait no it’s not. On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the original Titanic, the Titanic II embarks on an epic voyage following in its predecessor’s err… footsteps? Wake. That’s the word. Anyway, at some point a few mega tsunamis sweep through the area and low and behold the new Titanic comes face to face with an old nemesis: an iceberg.
The very same iceberg that killed the original Titanic! Not really, but that would have made for a far more entertaining 90 minutes.
Thoughts: “Titanic II” is like a cross between “The Day After Tomorrow” and “The Poseidon Adventure,” only completely unwatchable.
Here's the real poster. Is it just me
or does the smoke stack look like a scared puppet?
                Now, I’ve watched a lot of bad movies over the last couple of months. Many of which were significantly longer than “Titanic II.” In all that time, I’ve never once seriously considered hitting the stop button on my computer screen.
                During “Titanic II” that stop button looked mighty appealing. Natalie Portman in “Garden State” appealing. Johnny Depp in ANYTHING appealing.
                I didn’t push it though. By god I owe you, my anonymous readers, more than that. Plus, I’m reading Mick Foley’s “Have A Nice Day” at present. If Mick can finish a match after being burned by a C-4 explosive in a Japanese death match, the least I can do is finish a stinkin’ 90 minute movie.
                Still, those were the longest 90 minutes of my life. That match didn’t last 90 minutes…
                There is absolutely NOTHING to like about “Titanic II.” It’s not even so bad it’s good. There’s zero humor to be found, intentional or otherwise.
                The only sound I made in an hour and a half was a sort of pained groan. That was accompanied by my soul trying to escape my body when the ship’s captain boldly proclaimed: “It looks like history is repeating itself!”
                The acting is beyond awful across the board. The allegedly special effects make Ed Wood look like James Cameron.
                On the writing front, there is simply no way to care about what’s going on or any of the characters involved.
                The story centers on some douchey guy and the nurse who inexplicably falls in love with him... again. Oh yeah and her dad essentially does the Dennis Quaid thing from "Day After Tomorrow," only from the safety of a helicopter so it's not as cool.
                Fortunately there is one person to blame for all this nonsense: lead actor/writer/director Shane Van Dyke. Yes that’s THE Shane Van Dyke, “prolific” (according to his official website) screenwriter and grandson of Dick Van Dyke. Poor Dick.
                I feel like I’ve said this many times, but if you can’t do one job right, you shouldn’t have two. And you certainly shouldn’t have THREE!
                 There are a lot of strange gaps in the movie’s warped logic. Maybe I was just so bored that I read too much into things. You be the judge:
                What kind of people do you think would be on board the maiden voyage of the fancy pants Titanic II? Mostly old guys wearing monocles and ladies constantly fanning themselves while exclaiming “I do declare!” You would think an event of this magnitude would attract a higher brow clientele, is what I’m saying.
                Wrong. The Titanic II is packed with average joes wearing jeans and your occasional South Central LA gangbanger.
                The boat must have cost more to build than most countries make in a year and the wealthiest guy on board drives a Dodge Stratus? Are you kidding me?! You couldn’t have at least put one extra in a tuxedo t-shirt?
                Again, maybe I’m overthinking it. It’s pretty obvious the filmmakers didn’t put as much thought into this disaster as I did.

What does this guy think he is? An air traffic controller? Ba dum chi!
"That's right ladies. Writer, director and actor. Any of you ever heard of Dick Van Dyke? No?"
 Personal note: This is how I travel too. One of each kind of lady! High five!
Heheheh... That year round snowball fighting championship is going to be mine for sure!!
Yo man, I don't know how we got on board either, but let's start stealin' stuff!
This is the craziest looking Admiral since Ackbar...
George Lucas designed the life boats.

What's going on with the Christmas colors here?
That's right ladies you go first. I'll be right back here looking at your rears, I mean err... bringing up the rear.
Stay cool Shane, stay cool!

                A perfect score! You've done it Shane-o! You've done it! Drop the confetti! We have our first ever perfect score!
              History has been made ladies and germs. By “Titanic II” of all things. Now, I need to go get the stink of this thing off of my eyeballs. Where’s my Krusty Brand Eye Wash?
                Bumblebee tuna.

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