Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Credentials: 8.6 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 98% Certified Fresh (rottentomatoes.com) 68 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot: A squeaky voiced preteen gets a hit put on him by some robots from the future. Because the preteen is apparently the savior of humanity, a different robot from the future gets sent to protect him. A while bunch of lame fatherhood messages follow. A mixed bag of special effects can’t save the poor acting. If that whiny son of a gun is the savoir of humanity, I’m rooting for the robots!

Thoughts: “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” and I have a long and storied history. For many moons it was my favorite movie of all time.

                And then Bravo started playing it over and over. And then AMC got a hold of it. Basically, “T-2” has become the “Seinfeld” of cinema. It’s constantly on.

Try this: Turn on your TV, close your eyes and flip to a random channel. Open your eyes. Look “T-2” is on. Yay.

                By the way, if you do this experiment and you wind up with something other than “T-2” or “Seinfeld” buy a lottery ticket immediately.

                As for the movie itself. I could see why I was impressed by the spectacle of it all when I was a small lad. But now? Now, I’ve seen bigger and better movies.

                “T-2” lacks the depth featured in the works of directors… NAY… auteurs like Christopher Nolan, Darren Aronofsky or the Swede Anders Westberg.

                Sure it’s got a bunch of gimmicky special effects. Everyone remembers the T-1000, but what about the movie’s frequent clunkers? Like Arnold Schwarzenegger tucking his arm into his shirt after he allegedly losses it in a fight. Really? Several million dollars in your effects budget and you give me this? I used to do this when I was a kid for pizza’s sake.

                And while we’re on the subject of Schwarzenegger, my God! Could he have been more stiff or robotic in the role? I just don’t get it. Where’s the humanity, the soul that he demonstrated in more stomachable like “End of Days” or “Collateral Damage?” I ask you where?

                I already mentioned the nails-on-a-chalkboard performance from Eddie Furlong as humanity’s savior John Conner. I can’t bear to go into any more detail.

                I guess what it comes down to is, I’m just sick of this movie. We had a good run “T-2.” Our relationship spanned several wonderful decades, but in the words of the immortal Christian Bale… you and me are through professionally. On to the Breakdown!

Breakdown 

I shot a way more impressive action scene for my music video "Viva La Burger King." Just sayin...

Budnick! If only there was more of you in this film!

Ohh, he can cock his shotgun with one hand. Am I supposed to be impressed? Cuz I'm not.

"World's Worst Roommate" Episode 2. Exact same thing.

Stupid mini gun. So lame. Who cares if Arnold was the only person on set who could lift it?

So what? You built a dummy head (not pictured) for this scene so you could show the Terminator taking bullet hits to the face without CGI. Just CGI it and save the cash for some real actors! 

I can see your elbow Arnie! Where's my precious CGI?

Pssshhh. Two old foes finally make peace. Yawn. More explosions now!

Ok this is emotional. I still get choked up at this part. He sacrificed everything! I mean... meh.

   And so there it is! The ultimate betrayal! I just put Jim Bob Cameron through a table! And now as we fade to black, with the WWE logo looming ominously, I’ve got two words for you. Two words that will make all of this official, forever sealing it in the internet’s truthful embrace.

                Bumblebee t…

                Wait that’s not right.

April Fools!