Now
look, I’m not a man who’s afraid to make a few enemies, but even I don’t like
putting this next sentence in print. People tend to react violently.
I’m no
fan of “Scarface.” I think it’s long, sorta boring and massively overhyped.
If you’re
still reading this through an un-cracked computer screen, congratulations. If
your screen has turned into a spider-web and your fist hurts, I apologize but it’s not my fault. I
mean legally it’s not my fault, check the fine print at the bottom of the page.
Anyway,
that was basically just a long-winded way of saying: “Hey, have you heard there’s
a ‘Scarface’ remake coming out?”
Well
there is. And now it has a writer. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the most
popular/hated man in the hip hop community: David Ayer.
Ayer is
best known for penning “Training Day.” So, I look at this as slumming it. I’m
sure he looks at it as his meal ticket to easy street. Funny how perspective
changes things.
Apparently
Ayer has been studying both Brian DePalma’s 1983 film AND Howard Hawks’ 1932
version in preparation.
Good
for him. Still, I will not be seeing it. Unless 50 Cent stars, in which case
maaaaaybe.
I’m
sure he’s just tickled pink about that too. Maybe I should start charging him
rent? Or at the very least change the name of the blog to The Adam Green List.
I’ll
ponder that for a bit.
Anyway, since I like to keep things
fresh, I guess I’ll take a break from all those uppercase NOTs and instead
focus on something that IS happening in the Adam Green universe.
Seems his latest project, “Chillerama,”
hit DVD and Blu-Ray shelves everywhere today.
As if you didn’t already know, “Chillerama”
is an ode to the golden age of campy drive-in classics. It’s made up of four
short segments: “Wadzilla,” “I Was A Teenage Werebear,” “The Diary of Anne
Frankenstein,” and “Zom-B-Movie,” each created by a different acclaimed horror talent.
In addition to Green, the movie
features the talents of Joe Lynch (“Wrong Turn 2”), Tim Sullivan (“2001 Maniacs”)
and for some reason Adam Rifkin (writer of “Underdog”???).
Here’s a clip from Rifkin’s “Wadzilla”
segment featuring a group of people being terrorized by a giant sperm. There are... just no words.
Sure “Chillerama” might not be the
greatest title ever, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the working title: “Incredibly
Poor Man’s ‘Grindhouse.’”
Credentials: 15%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) /
4.9 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 41 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / Nominated for five
Razzies at the 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Director,
Worst Screenplay, Worst Actresses (Wayans Bros.), Worst On Screen Couple
(Wayans Bros.))
Plot: Hoping to get back into their boss’ good graces, two
black FBI agents (Shawn and Marlon Wayans) go undercover as two Hilton-esque---
read: very white--- heiresses to foil a dastardly kidnapping plot. Naturally, oodles
and oodles of gender and race inspired wackiness ensues. Also, fart jokes, but
that goes without saying. Will our heroes save the day or will someone, anyone
notice they aren’t actually white chicks?
Why it stinks: To be perfectly fair to “White Chicks,” it’s
not as bad as I expected. Then again, I expected it to be slightly worse than
the videotape from “The Ring” that kills you seven days after you watch it, so
take from that what you will.
I have
a strange relationship with the Wayans Bros. Their old sitcom has a special
place in my heart, and yet I’ve hated every single movie they’ve pooped
out since then. Maybe TV is just a better medium for their humor. Or maybe they
need to stop making lazy movies. Only Cthulhu knows for sure.
Perhaps
“White Chicks” just suffers from a bit of “Wayans overload.” Another brother, Keenen
Ivory, directed and co-wrote it. Kind of makes you wonder just how in the hell
Damon avoided stepping in this mess.
Anyway,
the biggest problem with “White Chicks” is the creepy makeup effects used to
transform the Wayans’ into two super-pasty yuppie gals. It’s honestly the stuff
nightmares are made of. We’re talking Tom Cruise in “Vanilla Sky”… AFTER the
car accident.
If you
can get past the strangeness of their appearance (it’s a struggle), there are
some funny moments in the movie. The love angle between a crazily-muscled NBA
superstar (played by Terry Crews) and an in-drag Marlon makes for some silly
moments.
Sadly,
the movie’s other relationships, between Marlon and his wife and Shawn and an
aspiring investigative reporter, both fall flat on their faces. Also, I’m not
completely sure how the whole kidnapping plot worked. And the big twist at the
end wasn’t all that twisty.
There
are a handful of other laugh-out-loud moments scattered throughout. One great
sight gag comes after one of our heroes (couldn’t tell them apart in that
makeup) crams himself into a skin tight leather outfit, only to end up walking
around like Igor.
But when
push comes to shove, the Wayans Bros. and the rest of their SEVEN person
writing team (!!!) are content to just fall back on endless strings of fart
jokes and hope for the best.
The
female supporting cast is totally useless. Even the presence of lovely and
talented ladies like Jennifer Carpenter and Brittany Daniel can’t make the
characters interesting or even, at the very least, tolerable.
--- Two
heads are better than one. SEVEN heads are way, way less funny than two.
Interesting how that works out.
--- “Blacky
Chan?” “Hasta la vista Schwarzen-negro!” Now THAT’S the Wayans Bros. I know and
love
--- Worst
of the worst runner-up: The Bjork meets “Carrie” meets Chinese New Year fashion
show
Worst of the worst
I’d
have to say the worst scene is Marlon’s darn near unwatchable in-drag bout with
explosive diarrhea. Say what you will about me, but I just don’t dig on the toilet
humor for some reason. Maybe it’s because I’m over 12?
Video Evidence
Ahh, Terry Crews. What a guy
Yay another tired dance number
The Worst of the worst... yuck.
And so
there you have it, “White Chicks.” Bumblebee tuna.
When did this happen? Gary Busey is
in “Piranha 3DD?” Be still my beating heart!
I can’t believe I missed the fact
that one of the craziest people on the planet is starring in one of the craziest-looking
movies of all time!
And not only is the former star of “I’m
With Busey” in the darn thing, but he’s talking about it as well! It’s all almost
too much to handle. I’m just… I’m just a little lost for words right now, so
let’s have the man himself enlighten you a little about his character in the
film:
“I play a farmer. A cow explodes
because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining
down on me. You'll see how I treat one of them.”
Of course he’s playing a farmer who
pals around with a cow renowned for its farting ability! Duh! What else would
he be playing? A cop or something? Pishaw. This is Gary Freakin’ Busey we’re
talking about. I’d expect no less.
God only knows how much of this
will actually be in the final film when it hits theaters, whenever that is, but
let’s just keep our fingers crossed and hope all of it makes the cut.
Well,
it’s that time of year again, when Hollywood starts pumping out its Oscar bait
dramas and heart-warming family tales. Or as I call it: the slow season.
Only
one new movie scored a “Rotten” grade on Rottentomatoes.com this week. The rest
of the new releases were all over 70%, many of them in the high 90’s. What am I
supposed to do with that caliber of movie?
Anyway,
here’s this week’s one stinker:
The
Legend of Pale Male- 56% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)
What
the heck is it: An “inspiring” documentary about a hawk that takes up residence
in New York City. While there, he becomes a symbol of perseverance and tourists
flock from all over the world to catch a glipse at the bird affectionately
known as “Pale Male.”
Critics said: “(Director
Frederic) Lilien proves wholly uninterested in investigating his human
subjects' habit of vigorously anthropomorphizing, and projecting their personal
hopes, dreams, fears, and Daddy issues onto the striking hawk.”- Nick Schager,
Village Voice
And just like that, Thanksgiving is upon us once again my
little chickadees.
I don’t
know about you, but I plan on spending my holiday eating Spam out of a can
while camped out in front of a Best Buy, waiting to throw elbows and trample
elderly women to get at those sweet sweet Black Friday deals. Mmmm… savings.
Anyway,
tis the time of year to give thanks for all the universe has bestowed upon you.
I, for one, am thankful for having nice pointy and extremely boney elbows. They
really come in handy when it comes to fighting through large crowds.
But I’m
also thankful for other stuff. Family and friends. Buffalo sauce. And of course
horrible, horrible movies, for without them, who knows what I’d be blogging
about? Oh, wait. I do! Haha, yeah it’s best we don’t go back down that road.
I’ve
spent almost an entire year now digging around in Hollywood’s garbage and what
a year it’s been!
I’ll do
a proper recap later on, but here are just a few of the Cheese List moments,
that I’m most thankful for.
Torgo
Ah yes, who among us could forget Torgo, the lovable meth-addicted Satyr and day manager of the "Lodge of Sins" from the classic film "Manos: The Hands of Fate." With his disjointed, Shatner-esque speaking style and persistent flop sweat, Torgo is one of a kind.
Shane Van Dyke
Yes ladies, that's THE Shane Van Dyke, self-proclaimed "prolific" screenwriter and grandson of Dick Van Dyke. Shane wrote, directed and starred in current reigning "Cheese List" champ, a movie with literally no redeeming qualities, owner of a perfect 5.0 Cheese GPA, "Titanic II."
The Room
Without a doubt, Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" is one of the most entertainingly awful movie I've ever seen. It's also my favorite "Cheese List" movie to date. Honestly, this movie just needs to be seen to be believed. I'd absolutely recommend it.
WARNING: A little spoiler-y but very well done.
Troll 2
Very little about "Troll 2" makes any sense. Even the title doesn't work, because the movie is about goblins. Oh well. Before "The Room" came along, this was the most laugh-out-loud-bad movie I'd watched as part of this insane experiment.
Disaster Movie
I'm thankful for "Disaster Movie" because it is far and away my most successful post. It's well over 4x as popular as the next one on the list, my "Terminator 2" joke post. For that, I thank you dear readers... and Google Image search traffic.
Night of the Lepus
One of the most adorable movies ever made. Not scary in the slightest bit, however. Movie monsters should never make you go: "Awww wook at the whittle guy!"
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
If it wasn't for the fact that the last act is made nearly unwatchable by incessant bird shrieking, "Birdemic" could've given "The Room" a run for its money. Hilariously bad acting, writing, editing, directing and special effects work combine to make a near perfect, cheesy movie.
Piranha 3DD trailer
Blood, guts, attractive ladies, killer fish, a guy with shotguns for legs, no Steven R. McQueen... what's not to love?
Michael Bay Infographic
Just one of the many wonderful Michael Bay infographics created by the folks over at Frankenspace.com. This one clearly shows the more explosions a Michael Bay movie has, the more money it makes.
Boy oh
boy. What a year it’s been. Here’s hoping to another fabulous year! And then
after that, let's hope I find a more useful and productive way to spend my free time.
Now, if
you’ll excuse me. I need to pack up my tent, roll up my sleeping bag and
sharpen some sticks in case anyone tries to cut ahead of me in line. There are
no friends or loved ones on Black Friday, only competition.
What’s
that noise? Why, it’s the sound of Hollywood scraping the bottom of the remake
barrel of course.
Ladies and
gentlemen, I give you “Chopping Mall,” an 80’s cheese fest about a group of
kids trapped in a mall after closing time with three murderous security robots.
Robert
Hall, a guy who made his bones as a makeup artist, will direct though he’s no
fan of the killer robot angle from the original. Instead, he plans to go with a
more “supernatural” menace, while keeping the whole kids trapped in the mall
thing.
Was anyone really clamoring for a “Chopping
Mall” remake? Better question: Does anyone even remember “Chopping Mall?”
Oh
well. I’m not sure I completely agree with Hollywood’s new "remake everything" policy,
though I must say I'm waiting with baited breath for the “Future War” redo.
Credentials: 0%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.7
out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 24 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)
Plot: Things go south for Beth (Shannyn
Sossamon) and her group of attractive twenty-something friends when they begin receiving
mysterious messages on their cell phones. Mysterious how? Well, it seems the
calls are coming from the future and include the exact time said person will
die. What’s up with that? Is it some kind of ghostly curse at work? Or is it something…
else? Ahh who am I kidding? “One Missed Call” is based off a Japanese film so of
course it’s a ghostly curse at work. Japan loves it some ghostly curses. Either
way, one-time Teen Choice Award nominee Eddie Burns is out to crack the case
once and for all.
Why it stinks: “One Missed Call” is a remake of the Japanese
hit “Chakushin
Ari.” However, if you’ve seen fellow Asian exports “The Ring,” “The
Grudge,” and “Pulse” then you’ve seen “One Missed Call.”
Essentially it just cherry picks plot
devices from those movies, nabbing the phone gimmick from “The Ring,” the
vengeful spirits of “The Grudge” and adding in a dash of technology-age
paranoia from “Pulse.”
Thusly, it all feels very been-there-done-that. Every
twist is plainly telegraphed and should be easy to spot from miles away by even
the most fresh-faced horror newbie.
So, in lieu of suspense, “One Missed Call” sticks
to cheap musical stings and lots of sudden loud noises to scare its audience. Considering
how much it already “borrowed” from “The Ring,” it kind of makes you wish “One
Missed Call” had picked up some tips on how to properly execute ticking-clock
tension.
The script by
Andrew Klaven is jam-packed with some truly impressive plot holes. For example:
I’m not really sure how the cell phone curse works exactly. Or how it started. Or why the
ending is supposed to make sense. Or why one ghost is so interested in
protecting our heroine. There are a few others, but there's only so much space on the Internet.
For some reason (I
suspect to pad the movie’s 87 minute run time), Klaven gives Beth a truly ludicrous
backstory involving an abusive mother and a crippling fear of peepholes. It
doesn’t fit into the movie at all and creates a handful of agonizingly long
scenes where Beth trembles in fear at the sight of a closed door.
The special
effects are clumsy at best, the acting is only marginally less dynamic than a
rice cake, the final act is way too drawn out and the ending is infuriatingly
stupid. “One Missed Call” isn’t even fun to make fun of. The best thing that can be said about it, is that it's only 87 minutes long.
Quick hits
---The cell phone
body count in this movie is through the roof. Somewhere the “Can you hear me
now?” guy and the chick in the pink dress are holding each other and weeping.
---- Honestly, I don’t understand why the
characters insist on repeatedly breaking their cell phones. They’ve seen over
and over again that it doesn’t keep the ghost away, so why keep doing it?
---Who lets their kids keep pet centipedes? I
mean other than the mom of the nutty guy from “Human Centipede 2?”
---Of course she’s evil! She’s wearing a
black hoodie. It’s all so clear to me now.
Worst of the
worst: Without a doubt, the worst scene in “One Missed Call” is the cell phone
exorcism. That’s right, a priest is bought in to expel demons from a flip
phone. Someone actually speaks the line: “I command you to be gone from this
cell phone!” You can’t make this up. I mean, you can and someone did, but you
probably shouldn’t.
This is one call,
you should probably… miss. HAHA! See what I did there? Now THAT’S comedy. Bumblebee tuna.
