What the heck is it: A young dad
struggles to raise his son while the mother is off getting drunk somewhere. When
tragedy strikes, his small home town is forced to cope with the fall out.
Luckily for us, the dad is TV’s emo-John Connor himself, Thomas Dekker. I was
wondering what happened to that guy.
What critics said: “A
high-school production of a second-rate Greek tragedian.” -Michael W. Phillips,
Jr., Goatdog's Movies
Actually, what the hell am I saying?
There’s been like 800 zombie movies and books and TV shows released in the last
few years. No, we knew you quite well and to be honest, I was starting to get a
bit sick of you. Outside of “Walking Dead,” of course.
Anyway, it seems safe to pronounce the
genre dead, or at the very least on life support, when something like “Zombie
Ass: Toilet of the Dead” is allowed to exist.
Honest to God that’s the title. Here’s
the brand spankin’ new poster which proves it.
As of now, this Japanese film won’t
be crossing the other pond and coming stateside anytime soon. Although, like
Godzilla, it looms ominously on the horizon. Ever-present, waiting to strike.
Bad movie icon and fantasy football champ Tommy Wiseau approved
It’s
the season of the lists, my friends. The time when every Tom, Dick and
Henrietta (why they all gotta be dudes?) shares their two cents on the best of something
that occurred during the past year.
Admittedly
all that positivity can get a little depressing. So, it’s refreshing to know
there are one or two people out there covering the flip side of the coin: the
worst of the worst from the year that was 2011.
The good folks over at Bad Movie
Nite have compiled their list of the worst movies of 2011. I won’t be following
suit with a similar list because I’m only one man and I refuse to pay to see
any of these movies or have them tying up my Netflix account.
I won’t spoil the list for you, but
let’s just say it wasn’t a good year for creatively bankrupt comedians who
still think dressing in drag is hilarious.
That’s
right folks. Some said it couldn’t be done, that pigs would fly and Michael Bay
would make a 90 minute movie before it ever happened and yet… here we are.
It
gives me great pleasure to announce that “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” is
getting the sequel/remake treatment, at the hands of its original creators, the
Chiodo Brothers.
Or as
the brothers are referring to it: the “requel” treatment.
In case
you’ve forgotten, the 1988 original was about a group of dastardly aliens who
come to Earth to do a lil’ invading. What’s even worse for humanity? The aliens
all look like clowns and use hilariously, clown-esque weapons. As is often the
case, the only people who knew what the hell was going on was a group of kids,
so naturally the fate of the planet rested in their hands.
Good
times.
No word
yet on when the movie will be written/start shooting/ get to the theaters.
Credentials: 2.1 out of 10, Ranked #60 on the Bottom 100 list,
(Imdb.com) / N/A (Rottentomatoes.com and Metacritic.com)
Plot: You may have heard some jive about how Santa Claus lives
in the North Pole with his legions of toy-building elves. Dirty, vile lies all
of it. According to “Santa Claus,” (and with a title like that it must know
what it’s talking about) Santa lives in a castle in OUTER SPACE and flies to
Earth each year on a sled powered by huge tinker-toy reindeer. Oh yeah, and his
helpers aren’t elves, but thousands of kidnapped children from all corners of
the globe. As if all that wasn’t weird and disturbing enough, eventually the
devil decides to ruin Christmas for everyone. So he sends his minion Pitch to
wreak havoc for Santa as he journeys around the world--- but really just one
town in Mexico.
Why it stinks: The movie is called “Santa Claus” for god
sakes. Not “Santa Claus does this” or “Santa Claus conquers that,” just “Santa
Claus.” At first I thought that was a pretty boring and nondescript title, and
then I saw the movie.
Fits
like a glove.
For
huge, seemingly unending stretches, “Santa Claus” just follows Santa as he
plods around his galactic crystal fortress of solitude thing with his band of abducted
children. Of course, the movie doesn’t come right out and say Santa kidnapped
these kids, it just completely glosses over how they got there. However,
the soul-less vacant looks in their little eyes say things words never could.
“Santa
Claus” is flat out weird. The people who made it clearly had big imaginations---
Santa lives in space for god sakes!--- but the movie exists on a painfully small
scale.
Example:
The demon’s big plan to ruin Christmas? He sic’s a dog after Kris Kringle and as
St. Nick hides in a tree, the demon calls the cops to have him arrested. That’s
it.
And
then there’s the usual nonsense about a poor little girl who only wants a dolly
to call her own. Guess if she gets it?!?! Go on, guess! Also, there’s a rich
kid who just wants his parents to spend time with him. Guess if they do by film’s
end?
You
know, for a kid’s movie, “Santa Claus” features a lot of people being drugged.
I mean Santa drugs EVERYBODY! He spikes the rich kid’s parents’ drinks to make
them love him, he drugs kids to make them go to sleep, he drugs the rich kid
into a “waking sleep” for some reason.
Couple
the near-constant druggings with the army of clearly kidnapped kids and “Santa
Claus” takes an entirely unintentional hard left turn towards the dark side.
Cheap
sets, flat acting and painfully dated special effects are also on the menu.
Best of all: “Santa Claus” is an import from Mexico, so we get lots of bad
dubbing and translation goofs. Something for everyone!
Worst
of the worst: Less than five minutes into the movie, we’re introduced to Santa’s
kids. Each country gets their own little ethnic song and dance number. There
are no words to describe the horror of this sequence. It’s so annoying it makes
“It’s A Small World After All” look tolerable by comparison.
What
the heck is it: A period drama set in 19th century Ireland starring
Glenn Close as a woman forced to dress as a man for some reason. Thirty years
later, a new love threatens to reveal her secret to the world. Gasp!
What
critics said: "The result of [Close's] passion project? Getting to look like
Bruce Jenner in a bowler and high starched collar." -Melissa Anderson, Village
Voice
What
the heck is it: A kid is convinced his dad, who died during the 9/11 attacks, has left a
message hidden for him somewhere in New York City. Naturally, he sets out to
find this message and embarks on some sort of life-altering journey of
discovery. Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock star, yet I’ve never heard of it so it
must be awful.
What
critics said: "It more resembles a spindly kid running around and screaming for
two hours before a hastily applied Hollywood ending shuts him up." -Grae Drake,
Movies.com
Well, Planet Earth, not much left to say except Bumblebee tuna and a Merry Christmas to all. Please enjoy this classic scene from the all time holiday classic "Jingle All the Way!!"
And how about this memorable moment from "Christmas Vacation"
And finally, here's the greatest Christmas tune of all time to get you in the holiday spirit!
Not
much went down in the world of bad movies today, so instead of cheesy movie
news, how’s about you and I gab over some interesting movie news about a local
gal?
You’re
already here and I promise it will be short.
Remember
Heather Donahue? No, of course you don’t, no one does. No one remembers her,
Josh Leonard or the other one. But everyone remembers a little movie they
starred in together called “The Blair Witch Project,” the record-breaking indie
that reinvented the horror genre way back in 1999. For my money, it’s the best,
scariest horror movie ever made.
Anyway,
as is often the case with these kind of cultural phenomenons,
the world quickly moved on and left poor old Upper Darby, PA-native Heather Donahue
behind.
Donahue
kept acting, but jobs were scarce. So, she did the only sensible thing a
struggling actress could do: She went out into the desert, burned everything
from her acting past (save for the infamous “Blair Witch” knit cap) and started
growing and selling medicinal marijuana.
Now she’s
got a new book out detailing her journey from the big screen to the pot uhh…
farm I guess. Plantation, maybe? I have no idea.
The
book’s called "Growgirl:
How My Life After The Blair Witch Project Went to Pot,” and it’s
out January 5.
Could
make for an interesting read. That’s a hell of a… trip... after all. Haha! Shut
up, you know that was gold. Or you could just get it as a late Christmas present for the cast of "Paranormal Activity." You know sort of a career guide. A "What to expect when you're expecting a film career after your indie mega-hit" type thing.
Not
content to let Sylvester Stallone and his cavalcade of expendable he-men have
all the fun, the “Fast and the Furious” franchise WILL return for parts six and
seven.
And that
comes right from the chiseled and muscular mouth of franchise star Sir Vin
Diesel.
Apparently,
according to Mr. Diesel, the scope of the series just got too big after part
five, thusly we need two more sequels to wrap it all up.
Well,
that and “Fast Five” made a poop ton of money and had The Rock in it, so yeah.
I’m
ashamed to admit I still haven’t seen part five yet, a fact which at the very
least could cost me my man card, and at worst might cause me to spend some time
in a Chinese labor camp. I’m not proud of it, but we have to live with the
choices we make. I will see it soon though, I assure you, International Council
of Masculinity.
Pirate of Cell Block 7-G: Curse of Wolverine's Chest
File
this one under “Was it worth it?”
Gilberto
Sanchez, 49, was sentenced to ONE YEAR in federal prison today for illegally
uploading a copy of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” and sharing it online.
I’m
sorry, I missed that. What kind of prison was it again, Michael Bolton?
Ah
yeah, that one.
Well,
we all know what happens to child molesters when they get sent to jail. I wonder
what happens to convicted superhero movie pirates? Laughed at maybe? Mocked at
every turn?
I mean,
I guess it could be worse for this guy. He could have gotten caught pirating “Twilight”
or something. Boy would his face be red.
If you’re
anything like me, you’ve been waiting with baited breath for someone to make a
movie where a character from a tall tale goes on a killing spree and offs a bunch
of attractive twentysomethings.
Well,
wait no more my long-suffering brethren and sistren, because here comes “Bunyan.”
The
story is simple: A gaggle of (not-so)juvenile delinquents head out into the
woods where they come face-to-face with the legendary ax-wielding lumberjack. Well, more like face-to-kneecap. You know.
Because he’s so tall.
Bunyan
is kept in the shadows for the entirety of the trailer. Was this an attempt by
the filmmakers to keep their baddie mysterious and maybe even build a little nervous
anticipation? Or was it because he’s an awful CGI piece of crap?
Credentials: 25%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) ///
2.3 out of 10, #80 on the Bottom 100 List (Imdb.com)
Plot: Dark days for the good people of Mars. Their children
have become lazy, unresponsive, and just sit in front of the TV all day
watching crappy shows beamed from Earth. The Martian overlords deduce their
offspring are suffering from an acute case of Santa-envy. So, they hatch a plan
to kidnap the jolliest of Earthlings and force him to bring presents to good
little Martian boys and girls. It’s up to two precocious Earth-children to save
Santa from the clutches of the Red Planet and keep Christmas where it belongs:
Earth! Season of giving my ass! Get your own Santa you slimy aliens! USA! US… I
mean… PLANET EARTH! PLANET EARTH!
Why it sucks: Now, when I sat down to watch “Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians,” images of Kris Kringle mowing down Martians with a huge
machine gun and running in slow motion away from a massive explosion danced
through my head.
(SPOILER
ALERT!)
Yeah, not so much. Despite the
placement of the word “conquer” right there in the middle of the title, Santa
doesn’t engage in any sort of belligerent, action-hero style behavior
whatsoever. A better title would have been: “Santa is Kidnapped by Martians and
Peaceably Arranges His Swift and Safe Return.”
It’s upsetting. I wanted to see
Santa kicking space man ass all over the Red Planet. I wanted to see him break
a yule log over an alien’s head. By god, is that too much to ask? Apparently it
was.
The movie is 47 years old and trust
me it shows. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is so slow it could put snails
to sleep. The effects, while not quite Ed Wood bad, are still in his ballpark,
especially the irritating reliance on stock footage for all things military.
The main villain in “SCCtM” is a
mustachioed Martian named Voldar. The main conflict in the movie is the
previously mentioned kidnapping of Father Christmas. The problem? Voldar doesn’t
want any part of kidnaping Santa, it’s the alleged “good” Martians that want
him. It’s not often the lead bad guy has NOTHING to do with driving the conflict.
Actually, I don’t think that has ever happened before or since this movie was
made. Why? Because like Chewbacca living on Endor, it does NOT make sense!
Another odd quirk: The characters
in the movie are prone to fits of insane laughter. Every now and then, everyone
on screen will just burst out in this horribly forced, cackling laughter for
seemingly no reason. By the fourth or fifth time, it gets really creepy and
uncomfortable.
Between the dated effects, lifeless
story, whiny kids and misleading title, “SCCtM” is infuriating. The best thing
about it is the stupid title, which ends up setting the bar to a height the
cast and crew could never hope to achieve.
--- Dropo, one of the good
Martians, is like an unholy cross between Gilligan and Jar Jar Binks, only less
lovable
---The thing about the Martians is
they don’t look like aliens. They look like people who spent a day in the coal
mines or hanging around Pig Pen. Also, why are all the Martian signs in
English? Wouldn’t they speak some kind of space language?
---“Hooray for Santa Claus” makes “Friday”
seem like “Stairway to Heaven.”
--- Holy god I hate the kids who
are too smart for their age, yet keep finding themselves in trouble gimmick. So
played out…
---Boy, Torg the Martian Robot,
really, really sucks. And yet he looks like Awesome-O from “South Park.” Not
sure how that’s possible.
Worst of the worst: The two Earth
kids are hiding out from the Martians in a cave located somewhere near Santa’s
workshop. Suddenly, they’re viciously attacked by a man in a cheap polar bear
costume. Or a maybe it was a real polar bear, wearing a cheap white bathrobe.
Either way, it looks awful and then the useless cardboard robot named Torg
shows up and things really get stupid.
Video Evidence
Post polar bear assault
And because it’s the season of
giving, enjoy a little early Christmas present from the good folks at the
internet, here’s the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” gang’s take on “SCCtM”… in
its entirety!
