Thursday, December 1, 2011

News: Cheese in Theaters

What the heck am I gonna do until February?
                 Sweet merciful crap here we are again. Yet another Friday with yet another blah crop of movies to talk about.
                We could be counting down the days to “Piranha 3DD” hitting the big screen. Instead, we’re stuck with a bunch of nothing limited release movies than no one’s ever heard of or plans to go see. Including the family and friends of those who made them.
                Is that harsh? Seemed harsh. Hmm… I’m concerned the lack cheesy new movies headed to theaters is forcing me into some kind of crazed Donner Party mentality.
                While I don’t think cannibalism is on the horizon (but who knows for sure??), I’m worried I might do something equally rash. Like curling into a ball and playing “The Room” on endless loop until Hollywood dump season, aka January, returns and wraps me in its sweet embrace.  
                Anyway let’s take a look at all the nothing hitting theaters this week:
  •    Answers to Nothing--- 11%, Certified Rotten (
                What the heck is it: A little girl goes missing and group of other lost souls in Los Angeles struggle to find meaning in their lives in this wannabe-“Crash” drama made up of various intersecting storylines. Dane Cook of all people stars. What in the blue hell happened to that guy? Remember when he used to do standup and people loved him for some reason? We’ve come a long way baby.
                Critics said: “Will make you hate words--and these idiots who refuse to stop saying them without actually saying anything at all.” –Matt Pais, RedEye

  •     Sleepy Beauty--- 50%, Certified Rotten (
                What the heck is it: Emily Browning (of “Sucker Punch” fame) stars as a college girl looking to make a buck as a lingerie waitress, whatever the heck that means. Instead of serving people lingerie or wearing it while serving people or what have you, she ends up in a secret club where guys drug gals and have their way with them while the gals are out cold. So, basically it’s a modern day take on the beloved Disney film. Bring the kids!
                Critics said: “Early on, I was ready to bolt; the question in my mind was "Why am I watching this?" Aside from the fact that I could say that it's my job, I still don't have an answer.” –Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine  

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