Credentials: N/A- Rottentomatoes.com and Metacritic.com /
4.8 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / Named Johnny Depp’s worst movie by Entertainment
Weekly
Plot: Two horndog pals (Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow) somehow
find themselves spending a weekend at a fancy pants resort hotel where the
booze flows free and bikini-clad co-eds roam the landscape like buffalo across
the old west. It just so happens that a jewel thief--- known only as The
Maestro (Hector Elizondo)--- is also staying at the hotel and is also
interested in booty, just a different kind then Depp and Morrow. He has his
eyes on a wealthy old lady’s diamond necklace. One bad haircut later they all
cross paths and BAM! It’s cliché 80’s sex comedy time!
Why it sucks: I’ve got to be honest with you. I own this movie
on DVD. I’m not proud of it, but buying this movie is one of those times my
Johnny Depp addiction got the best of me. Owning “Private Resort” is my version
of trying to catch a buzz off of Elmer’s glue.
I
promise, despite my love of Johnny, I will give “Private Resort” the harsh
critical smackdown it so completely deserves.
I think
I can say--- without even the slightest exaggeration--- “Private Resort” has
ZERO redeeming qualities. Nothing. Not even Johnny Depp’s backside can save
this mess.
For
starters, Depp’s character isn’t your average charming young hooligan just out
to get laid. In fact, he’s kind of a scum bag. He encourages his pal to slip a
girl roofies and later gets caught about to have his way with a passed out lady-type.
I’m not sure why, but the movie tries--- unsuccessfully--- to play all this off
for laughs. Who would have thought date rape wasn’t funny? Oh right, anyone
with even a drop of common sense. Ah the 80’s, it was a simpler time.
Depp’s
sidekick (although the credits tell a different story) Morrow apparently turned
into quite the TV actor. However, this is his first role and boy does it ever show.
He seems to be nursing a severe concussion throughout the film. At the very
least, he looks like he dipped into Depp’s roofie stash. He kind of just grins
and laughs awkwardly to himself a lot, occasionally spitting out a line or two.
It isn’t pretty.
Elizondo’s
dimwitted, narcoleptic thief is just one of the buzz kills our two dashing
leads must contend with. There’s also a bumbling and VERY uptight security
guard, a Nazi barber (?) and douchey jock head waiter. Luckily, Depp and Morrow
are too cool to be bested by this needlessly and shamefully random rogues gallery.
I feel like the list of characters on an average episode of “Family Guy” makes
more sense than that lot.
“Private
Resort” is a spry 80 minutes, and I assure you even that is way too long. There’s
about a 10-minute long fight scene between the Nazi barber and the uptight
security guard where they just rip each other’s clothes off for no discernible
reason, other than to keep the clock running.
The “Benny
Hill” inspired chase scenes get old fast, as does the overreliance on
characters pretending to be someone else. When your characters are that paper thin
to begin with, it’s not a good idea to start stretching them out more.
All in
all, “Private Resort” is why Mulligans were invented. See kids, not even Johnny
Depp is perfect. So there’s hope for all of us.
Worst of the worst: Honestly, I can’t even
begin to explain the baffling set of circumstances that surround the worst
scene in the movie. It involves Elizondo’s thief and Morrow dressed in drag. It’s
so confusing, it seems almost like the writers started working on it, went to
bed and got back to it the next day. Only they didn’t bother the check how the
scene started.
Video
Evidence
There
you have it! “Titanic II” has some company and it's Johnny Depp of all people. The ultimate betrayal!
Bumblebee
tuna.
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