News: Stallone...Schwarzenegger...Cross?

hollywood.com

Arnie and Sly=BFFs

                Apparently co-starring in one testosterone-fueled thrill ride together just wasn’t enough for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone.

                If seeing the manly duo kicking butt and taking names in theaters on Aug. 12 in “The Expendables 2” wasn’t enough, then you’re in luck.

                The two are both reportedly circling a project called “The Tomb.”

                The films tells the story of a man who designs prisons, who ends up wrongfully accused of a crime and then guess what happens? He gets put in one of the prisons he helped design! Imagine that. While in there, he has to track down the person who set him up.

                Seems Stallone will be playing the prison designer, with Schwarzenegger’s role as yet undetermined, although I could easily see him stepping into Morgan Freeman’s role from “Shawkshank.” A lil narration for the big guy would be fantastic.

                Make it happen Hollywood!

                Source: JoBlo

spilledmilkformoms.org

Cross calls “Chipwrecked” crap!

                David Cross, one of the stars of the squeaky-monstrosity “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked,” does NOT want you to go see his movie, which currently holds a 13%, Certified Rotten rating on Rottentomatoes.com.

                Cross slammed the film during an appearance on “Conan.”

                He called it: “a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines.”

                As if that wasn’t enough, he also criticized one of the producers, calling her “the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews.” 

               Cross, who appears in the film dressed as a giant pelican (you never see his face), didn’t want to be on set and wanted to record his lines and have them dubbed in. Seems this one mean lady wanted him on set and since he’d signed a three-picture contract, he had to be there.  

                Cross is taking a lot of heat for his Jewish comment, but I’m going to sidestep all that noise and instead focus on him trashing his own movie, which is a minorpet peeve of mine if you remember.

                STOP IT! Celebrities, DO NOT trash your films, unless you are personally going to issue a refund to every single person who went to see it. If you’d rather keep your money, then keep your mouth shut.

                If you think your movie is crap, don’t tell people. Just keep it to yourself and move on please. You’re not building street cred or coming off hip.

You, David Cross, are the genius who signed the three picture “Chipmunks” contract. You honestly thought they could make ONE good “Chipmunks” movie, let alone three? Shut up, cash your check and go make that “Arrested Development” movie we’ve been hearing so much about.

                And it BETTER be good.

                Source: NY Daily News  

News: More Greeks and Arnie, plus Ron Jeremy

Bigfootvsnerd.com

Get ready for even more ancient Greece!

                Who’s ready for “Clash of the Titans 3?” Me! I am! Me!

                What’s that you say? What happened to “Clash of the Titans 2” or as it’s also known “Wrath of the Titans?” It’s coming, God. Chillax.

                Look, do you want to live in a world where we can’t talk about making sequels to movies that are still five months away from being released? I didn’t think so.

Warner Bros. agrees and has asked Dan Mazeau and David Leslie Johnson, two of the screenwriters of part two, to get cracking on part three.

                This is either a great sign which says part two is totally, amazingly awesome. Or it means part two makes no sense, doesn’t wrap up the story at all and a third film is needed to quickly come out and clean up the mess.

                Only time will tell my friends. “Wrath of the Titans” hits theaters this March.

                Can’t wait that long to see ancient Greeks kicking butt and taking names? Well, “Immortals” comes out next week and, as far as I can tell, that movie is basically just “Clash of the Titans 2.5” anyway.

                Source: Arrow in the Head

DreadCentral.com

Ron Jeremy in a “real” movie

                You may know Ron Jeremy from his starring work in the adult film industry. Sure the man’s dabbled in the regular film industry, but he made his… ahem… bones in the other one.

                Well, he’s putting his moustache to work in the new horror comedy “Girls Gone Dead.”

                As you probably gathered from the title, and the presence of Ron Jeremy, the movie involves ladies in various stages of undress being killed in creative and grisly ways.

                It seems a killer armed with a hammer and a battle axe is stalking a party thrown by a company called “Crazy Girls Unlimited.”

                The film also stars 80’s scream queen Linnea Quigley and wrestling icon Jerry “The King” Lawler. This one sounds like one for the time capsule boys and girls.

                Source: Arrow in the Head

                Arnie pics are everywhere!

                It seems like just yesterday we were treated to a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger schmoozing on the set of “The Expendables 2” with Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis. Good times.

                We’ve got a brand new picture of Arnie in a different movie, with a considerably less super-manly cast.

BadMovieNite.com

                The picture is from the set of “The Last Stand.” In it, Arnie plays a small town sheriff, whose town happens to be the last barrier between a psychotic escaped prisoner and freedom in Mexico.

                Thoughts? Arnie has not aged well. I don’t know much about this movie, but Arnie looks a little nutty in that picture. His hair has clearly lost its mind, he’s got a bit of a gut going. Ah well. He can look as crazy as he wants and have illegitimate children with as many women as he wants, I’ll always love him.

                “Terminator 2: Judgment Day.” Lest we never forget!

                “The Last Stand” hits theaters a long time from now: 2013. Which means if the ancient Mayans and John Cusack get their way, we’ll never even get to see the damned thing.  

                Source: Bad Movie Nite

Review: Batman and Robin

Credentials: 13% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.5 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 28 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / Nominated for 11 Razzies at the 1998 Golden Raspberry Awards, won ONE (Worst Supporting Actress- Alicia Silverstone)

Plot: Nobody’s happy in the fourth entry in the “Batman” franchise (second directed by Joel Schumacher). Batman (George Clooney) is pissed his strictly platonic partner Robin (Chris O’Donnell) won’t listen to him. Robin’s annoyed Batman doesn’t treat him as an equal. Batman’s butler Alfred is upset everyone can’t just get along. It’s enough conflict to keep a soap opera busy for a month and we haven’t even added the villains yet! It seems Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) needs diamonds to keep his wife alive and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) wants a world without people, only plants. Despite their very different (the word incompatible comes to mind) endgames, the two decide to team up. Can Batman and Robin put aside their own differences to save the world or will their petty squabbling bring about the end of all mankind?

Thoughts: This truly is Batman’s darkest hour.

And for a guy who watched his parents die in front of him, calls himself the dark knight and dresses up in a Halloween costume year round, that really is saying something.

Now, I remember loving the crap out of “Batman and Robin” when I was younger. Then again, I also loved drinking Coca Cola through sugar straws and I thought Kid’s Cuisine was the bee’s knees. So, my taste as a child was admittedly a little spotty.

I think my fondness for the movie stemmed from the toy line it spawned. How cool the toys were often played a crucial role in determining what movies and TV shows I liked. I was (and remain) materialistic like that.

Those toys have long since been lost to time, garage sales and a beagle who would eat literally anything left within reach. So there’s really not much in “Batman and Robin” for me these days. At 24, I’m well past its target audience.

Even though I’ve still got a soft spot for it in my heart, I can admit there’s a lot wrong with it. A LOT.

For starters, it’s never, EVER a good idea to give Arnold Schwarzenegger an acting blank check. You need to keep a tight lid on him. If you let him do whatever he wants, he’s just going to lose his mind and that’s exactly what happens.

Mr. Freeze is all over the place. Schwarzenegger reaches dangerous levels of hammy acting, thought to be impossible even for a ham as accomplished as him.

Part of it isn’t his fault. The script forces him to speak almost exclusively in winter-themed puns so heinous that no one could pull them off. Still, Freeze is one of Batman’s more interesting villains and the character deserves better than this.

That kind of over-the-top mentality is what ended up crushing Joel Schumacher’s “Batman” vision and what ushered in Christopher Nolan’s striped-down, back-to-basics approach. Goofy and campy is one thing, but “Batman and Robin” goes so much further.

                The movie is chocked full of more eye-piercing neon colors and dopey sight gags than a Spencer’s Gifts.

                Arnie isn’t the only one done in by Akiva Goldsman’s script. The whole cast ends up drowning under the weight of all those puns.

                It takes some awful writing to make George Clooney look bad and Akiva is more than up to the challenge. Actually, I take that back. Clooney, as always, looks fantastic. His preening, strutting, semi-douchey take on Batman, however, leaves something to be desired.

                Chris O’Donnell is basically a forerunner to Chris Evans (The Human Tourch) in the “Fantastic Four” movies. They’re both cocky, headstrong and annoying enough to make you root passionately for the bad guys.

                “Batman and Robin” does have a nice little subplot involving Alfred (Michael Gough) as he attempts to overcome a rare, life-threatening disease. It ends up providing one or two AWW moments between Batman and his trusted butler. Sadly, they’re few and far between.

Random Thoughts

--- Hmm… Arnie gets top billing in “Batman and Robin,” despite playing neither Batman nor Robin. Interesting

--- Wonder why Alfred put nipples on Batman’s suit and Robin’s suit, but not on Batgirl’s suit? I feel like there’s a double standard at work here and I won’t stand for it!

--- Batman and Robin just happen to have ice skates on their boots despite Mr. Freeze never existing before? Really?

--- Alfred’s brother’s name is Wilfred and he is also a butler. Must run in the family

--- Poison Ivy is from the Hannah Montana school of disguises. “If I just change my hair color, no one will recognize me!”

--- Coolio and Alicia Silverstone? This movie is like a 90's Pop Culture Bermuda Triangle  

I wish I could say “Batman and Robin” withstood the test of time, but that would be a lie. It’s perfect for little kids and fans of puns, but anyone over 12 is going to have a hard time staying awake after the Bat-credit card makes its first appearance.

Wow this is a first I think.

             Bumblebee tuna.               

Hercules in New York

Credentials: 2.8 out of 10 (imdb.com) / 20% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)

Plot: Hercules (Arnold Schwarzenegger) gets bored with his humdrum existence among the gods on Mount Olympus and decides to head to Earth to begin a career as a professional wrassler and bodybuilder. Zeus (SNL’s goatboy) is none too pleased with this turn of events and schemes to get Herc back where he belongs. While on Earth, Herc embarrasses a bunch of college kids, befriends a dorky tiny guy (not Danny Devito) and beats up a bear with his bare hands--- get it?

Thoughts: Ladies, if you’re tired of men objectifying you, “Hercules in New York” is your revenge. 
            As much as female types get objectified on the big screen, I guarantee you no one has ever been treated more like a piece of meat than Arnie in this movie.

“Hercules in New York” isn’t really a movie, but rather a random collection of scenes, most of which culminate in Arnie taking off his shirt for some reason.

Occasionally he’ll just announce out of the blue: “I’m taking a shower” and poof! Off goes the shirt. Throwing a javelin? Can’t have that shirt getting in the way. Looking at a movie poster? All that reading must have made him sweaty because guess where that shirt went? If you answered on his body, you were wrong. The correct answer was on the ground.

                Not enough objectification for you?

                How about the fact that Arnie’s voice was dubbed over? That’s right! His trademarked delightful Austrian accent is nowhere to be found. Instead we get some unimpressive, unoriginal schmuck blandly delivering all the lines.

                Basically, Arnie was told to stand there, move his mouth and look pretty. Even McConaughey gets to read his own lines for Zeus’ sake!

                I can’t help but wonder how much better the movie would have been with Arnie’s actual voice in it. Because as it stands, “Hercules in New York” is a decidedly unfunny, cheap and illogical comedy.

                Ironically, the Hercules character type, a muscle-bound fish-out-of-water, is one that Arnie would later ride to dizzying success in “Kindergarten Cop,” among other comedy classics.  

                The movie defies logic, haphazardly blending Ancient Greek and Roman mythologies with a dash of Old Testament thrown in there at the end.

                As for being cheap, look no further than the Hercules vs. bear matchup for proof of that. It’s clearly a guy in a costume, so much so at one point the bear appears to be wearing sneakers. The costume didn’t come with feet? You couldn’t have told the guy to wear brown shoes at least?

                Like I said earlier, the story is driven mostly by the need to get Arnie topless. Except, during the climactic weight lifting scene. He can’t walk down the street without stripping, but he keeps everything on when he’s deadlifting 1000 lbs? What gives?

                The rest of the movie follows Zeus and his wife plotting uninteresting revenge schemes and Arnie seducing a gal by the name of… wait for it… Helen! I know! Hi-larious!

Herc’s mortal pal Pretzie (named after his occupation: pretzel seller and played by Arnold Stang) with his nasally, New York accent, humongous classes and slight stature, is the typical Schwarzenegger foil. The two actual have a mildly endearing quasi-chemistry and they earn the occasional chuckle or two. But not many.                  

Breakdown

:04

Wow. Zeus' lightning bolts are... unimpressive.

:06

I

I can see  lighting rigs in that crystal ball! I wonder what that means?

:19

"Twins" sequel? Err... prequel?

:22

Now that's better. Just can't throw a javelin with all that fabric in the way.

:30

What did the bear do? Pick the lock?

:33

No, don't look at my feet, eyes up here thank you.

:39

Speaking of "Twins," it's Zeus and Goat Boy! Guess which is which!

:42-

So many words on poster... so sweaty... must take off shirt...

So there it is: “Hercules in New York.”

I’ve heard rumors you can actually track down copies of this movie with Arnold’s original dialogue track. If you’re that desperate to watch it, go with that version. At least you can get some laughs as the 22-year-old one day Governator badly mispronounces words.

They don't just give away that Mr. Universe title...

Bumblebee tuna.