Monday, October 10, 2011

Review: Glitter

Credentials: 7% Certified Rotten ( / 2.0 out of 10, #49 on the Bottom 100 list ( / 14 out of 100 ( / Nominated for SIX Razzie Awards at the 22nd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Picture, Worst Actress- Mariah Carey, Worst Supporting Actress- Max Beesley, Worst On Screen Couple- Mariah Carey’s cleavage, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay), won ONE (Worst Actress). Note: “Freddy Got Fingered” came out the same year and hogged all the Razzies.  
Plot: An aspiring singer named Billie (Mariah Carey) drifts passed implied hardships and achieves fame and fortune in the Big Apple with the help of her record-producing, good-for-nothing boyfriend (Max Beesley). I mean sure, this one bad thing happens at one point, but everyone means on quickly and other than that, it’s smooth sailing baby!
Thoughts: Now look, I’m no music expert. I’ve only watched one season of American Idol and I don’t think the sun rises and sets with Ryan Seacrest. I was always a Dunkleman guy, myself.
                Still, I know a little bit about pop music and the things that occur during the 104 minute runtime of “Glitter” are an absolute affront to pop music.

                The songs in “Glitter” don’t sound like they belong in a serious movie about an artist’s attempt to make it big. They seem like they’d be more at home in “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.” Come on, “I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On?” For reals? That’s the best you could come up with?
                As Executive Music Producer, lead actress and performer, the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of Mariah Carey. And seeing as though those songs were supposed to be the foundation the “Glitter” castle was built on, when they fail, the whole sparkly structure fails with them.
                Everything about “Glitter” just feels off. Like the idea that Mariah Carey is playing this young, up and coming starlet. On the surface that doesn’t seem like a huge stretch, seeing as though Carey was once an up and coming starlet.
                The problem is, when “Glitter” was made, Carey was 32. All the piggy tails, goofy “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” ball caps and off-center ponytails in the world aren’t enough to make me believe Mariah Carey is not a girl, not yet a woman.
                Carey's an even worse actress than she is "Executive Music Producer." Not only does she look too old for the part, but she doesn't have to chop to pull it off. She tries to play Billie with a sort of half-baked innocence that just doesn't fit with a kid who was supposed to be from the school of hard knocks.
                Max Beesley, who plays “Dice,” (Billie's love interest and bad boy producer) clearly loves him some Mark Wahlberg. So much so, that he’s willing to spend an entire movie trying to be him. This was Beesely’s one chance at being a star and he wasted it doing a Mark Wahlberg impression. There's only room on this planet for one Mark Wahlberg. Hell, as a society, we’re not even totally cool with Donne Wahlberg because he’s too close.
                The on-screen chemistry between Beesely and Carey is really, honestly awful. There’s just no sizzle. Not even an ember. It reminded me of that “South Park” episode where the boys tried and failed to get an elephant and a pig to mate. Beesley and Carey have slightly less romantic chemistry than the elephant/pig coupling. Some things just aren’t meant to be.
Quick Hits
  • Hey look it’s Padma from Top Chef! Talk about slumming it…
  • Terrance Howard is playing a douche AND a record producer. Dude’s got range. Oh wait, what’s the opposite of range? Typecast that’s the one
  • It must be nice to never struggle with anything ever and have all your dreams come true without burning any calories. I want Mariah Carey’s life
  • Screenwriter Kate Lanier seems to have confused petty squabbling and arbitrary plot twists with real honest to god conflict and character development
  • Wait, so Mariah can sell out Madison Square Garden, but she can still walk the streets and not be recognized?        
           Bumblebee tuna.

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