News: 'Twilight' is a big ol' sin

Hating on “Twilight” is old hat and, frankly, a little blow this here blog. I’ve purposefully avoided reviewing any of these movies because A) I know I’m going to hate them all, and B) They weren’t meant for me, they were meant for people who loved the books for some reason.

                So yeah, no point in reviewing ’em. I’m a busy man. I need to follow Wes Craven and Alex Aja around and yell at them for things.

                And yet here we are on this Wednesday evening. We were promised snow and thus far, nothing. It’s an evening of lies.

                It’s also an evening of no interesting news stories on the bad movie front. No stories at all … except … for …

                The good folks over at CinemaSins have set their critical eyes on “Twilight.” In case you’re unfamiliar with their work, the CinemaSins gang has produced such hit Youtube videos as “Everything Wrong with ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ in 3 Minutes or Less,” “Everything Wrong with ‘Avatar in 3 Minutes or Less,” and “Everything Wrong with ‘The Hunger Games’ in 3 Minutes or Less.”

                Basically, they go in and mock/nitpick a movie until it can be mocked and nitpicked no more.

                And boy do they go to town on “Twilight.” The wind up finding over a 100 things wrong with the movie, many of which involved Kristen Stewart’s dead-fish portrayal of Bella Swan.

                For comparison's sake, that's over 40 more problems than they found with "Skyfall," despite that movie being way longer than "Twilight." 

                You can check out the video if you’d like right here.

                Personally, I’ll stick with MST3K and Rifftrax, but to each their own.

                Source: NBC News

News: 'Twilight' has a big night at the Razzies

So it’s been two full days since the Oscars, which means most of Hollywood’s citizenry should finally be hangover free and be able to see colors and taste food again.

                Welcome back. To those who aren’t quite there yet, don’t worry. Just get back in bed. You’ll be there soon.

                However, in many circles, this news is far, far more important than any statue of a golden naked guy.

                The 33rdAnnual Golden Raspberry Awards were held this weekend, celebrating the worst that Hollywood has to offer.

                A few weeks back, I predicted the winners, or more accurately, losers, as one is supposed to do in these situations.

                I put on my prognosticating cap and decided the Razzies would give the “Twilight” franchise the “Lord of the Rings” treatment and send it off into the sunset riding high on a wave of spray-painted trophies.

                And it looks like I was correct. “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II” took home a respectable seven awards, including Worst Picture, Worst Actress (Kristen Stewart), Worst Supporting Actor (Taylor Lautner), Worst Screen Couple (Lautner and 12 year-old Mackenzie Foy), Worst Screen Ensemble, Worst Remake/Rip-Off or Sequel and Worst Director (Bill Condon).

                Not too shabby.

                Now, I only predicted the top seven categories, but let’s see how I made out.

                I correctly predicted:

•  a win for Rihanna in the Worst Supporting Actress category for her work in “Battleship”
• Taylor Lautner and his abs would take the Worst Supporting Actor category for “Breaking Dawn Part II”
• Lautner and 12-year-old Mackenzie Foy would take home a trophy in the Worst Onscreen Couple category again for “Breaking Dawn Part II”
• Kristen Stewart would claim the Worst Actress crown for “Breaking Dawn Part II” and "Snow White and the Huntsman"
• Bill Condon would be named the year’s Worst Director for “Breaking Dawn Part II”
• and finally, “Breaking Dawn Part II” would win Worst Picture.

                Yup pretty awesome. The only blemish on my otherwise utterly spotless record? I thought Robert Pattinson would be named the Worst Actor of the year for “Breaking Dawn Part II.”

                Sadly, I underestimated the Golden Raspberry Foundation’s love affair with treating Adam Sandler like a punching bag. The formerly funny comedy bested the young heartthrob and took home the Worst Actor award for “That’s My Boy.”

                Six for seven. Now if only I could use my predictive talents for something useful and marketable, like the lottery or who’s going to win “Dancing with the Stars.” Then I’d be in business.

                Bumblebee tuna.  

News: Lots of vampire gibberish

lacasadeloshorrores.com

Aja shows his fangs

                It’s just like that old song says: “What the world needs now are vampires… more vampires.” I think that’s how the song goes, but either way, it’s the truth.

                There really is a startling lack of vampire fiction in the entertainment sphere these days. I mean, off the top of my head I can only think of the “Twilight” films, “True Blood” and “Vampire Diaries,” the “Fright Night” remake, the “Dark Shadows” remake and “Being Human.”

The world hungers for more vampires.

                And if there’s one man we can all trust to satiate that hunger, it’s Alexandre Aja, director of such films as “Piranha 3D,” “Hills Have Eyes” (Remake) and “High Tension” (or “Haute Tension” if you’re pretentious). It should also be noted that Aja, for reasons that don’t need to be explained, is also my nemesis.

                Anyway, Aja is in negotiations to direct the big screen adaptation of the vampire comic “Undying Love.”

                “Undying Love” tells the story of an ex-soldier in modern day Hong Kong who falls in love with a beautiful woman. One problem: She’s a bloodsucker. So, he goes off on an epic quest to kill the chief vampire, thus freeing her from her curse so they can be together forever.

                Finally, a vampire love story. It’s about freaking time!

                Source: Joblo

No shirts were harmed during the making of this franchise

 Welcome to Tweeny 

 bopper heaven

                I’d advise you to put in your earplugs riiiight now. You’ve been warned.

                So, it seems the trailer for “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2” will be showing before “The Hunger Games” when the latter hits theaters on March 23. (Puts fingers in ears, waits for unearthly shrieking to subside)

If you’d like your ear drums to remain un-ruptured, you might want to steer clear of theaters for a little while, seeing as though these are the two most popular non-Harry Potter books for young girls in recent memory.     

                God the only way the midnight showing of “The Hunger Games” could be any more of tween girl heaven would be if Justin Bieber was selling popcorn and Taylor Swift was ripping tickets.

                I’ve heard good things about “Hunger Games,” though the whole idea of a dystopian future where people fight to the death on TV for food was handled pretty thoroughly already in “The Running Man”--- both movie and book.

                But hey, let the kids have their fun. How’s about the rest of us go out for ice cream sundaes and mini golf that night? No kids as far as the eye can see.

                Source: Joblo   

News: Cheese in Theaters

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1- 28% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                 What the heck is it: The first part of the epic final chapter in the “Twilight” saga. Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) SPOILER ALERT!!! get married and finally get down to doing the nasty. From there, gross vampire baby hijinx ensure. And presumably Taylor Lautner will take his shirt off early and often. So there’s something for everyone really.

                 Critics said: “The good news? Now that all of the tedious exposition has been gotten, glacially, out of the way, ‘Part II’ will probably be terrific.”- Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

                “It's like ‘Roadhouse’ for women. As irresistible as it is ridiculous.”- Gary Thompson, Philadelphia Daily News

“You can't blame a film based on a book for adhering to the book's idiotic storyline. You can, however, blame it for sucking as a movie.” -Matthew Razak, Flixist.com

“‘Breaking Dawn - Part 1’ as a whole feels stretched-out, as if the filmmakers realized belatedly that there wasn't enough material in the book to sustain two movies. (There isn't).” -Moira MacDonald, Seattle Times

                And despite all that, it’s still going to make a bajillion dollars, so who really cares what critics think anyways? AH! I mean, other critics. You should totally care what this site thinks haha!

Happy Feet Two- 36% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: The sequel to the mildly funny, sorta cute, but mostly very creepy hit about a penguin names Mumble that just wants to dance! This time around, Mumble’s son doesn’t like dancing so he wanders off on his own for a bit and encounters a flying penguin and global warming.

                Critics said: “For a computer-animated movie about dancing penguins, it's surprisingly leaden. Not even the impressive voice talent can rev up this clumsy spectacle.” -USA Today

News: 'Immortals' pokes fun at 'Twilight' for being the girl-version of 'Immortals'

Sweet lord it’s a slow cheesy news day.

            As evidence of that fact, please watch this TV ad for “Immortals.”

In case you’ve already forgotten, “Immortals” is the most recent sepia-toned, CGI-heavy ancient Greek nightmare to loudly stumble into theaters.

                This latest TV spot takes aim at “Twilight” fans, saying basically: “Be a manly man this weekend and see our movie, while the women folk are watching ‘Twilight.’”

                Although it is an effective campaign, I’d have liked to see them take this idea a wee bit further. Maybe something along the lines of an ancient Greek guy sitting on a couch with his hand tucked down the front of his loin cloth yelling for more wine. Maximus Bundy indeed.

                Ah well. It’s all in good fun really since both films are appealing to essentially the same market: dumb people. “Immortals” brings in the dumb guys, “Twilight” gets the dumb girls. Either way, seems like a good weekend for the rest of us to steer clear of movie theaters entirely.

                Source: Joblo

News: The reason you hate 'Twilight' + Sandler battles logic

deadline.com

 

Hate ‘Twilight?’ God/Cthulhu 

made you that way

                Do you hate the “Twilight” empire, its fans, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and most especially, the kid with the abs?

                According to a recent study by Kansas State University, it’s not your fault. Hating “Twilight” is encoded in your DNA. It’s stuck in the very fiber of your being, right next to hair color and whether or not you can wiggle your ears.

                Scientist-types have discovered there are two types of people walking the Earth, those who like fantasy and those who don’t.

                After an elaborate series of experimentations, it seems some folks are cool with accepting the limitless altered realities that exist in works of fantasy, while others prefer things that play by the rules.

                Science fiction, by the by, wasn’t included as fantasy since it tends to apply logic to the world it creates.

                People who liked fantasy were more prone to daydreaming and also were known to insert fantastical elements into works that were more grounded. For example: Imagining having the ability to fly in a straightforward story about watching a sunset.

                Read more about the study right here.

                So next time you see a grown woman on the bus reading a dog-eared copy of “New Moon,” resist the urge to punch her square in the face.

You need to punch her DNA in the face instead.

Source: MSNBC

myspace.com

Adam Sandler: Better when he sucks?

            

    Common sense indicates that when a movie is truly awful, it will make no money.

                Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Adam Sandler, defier of logic, smiter of common sense, dark knight of nonsense.

                Apparently, the worse reviews a Sandler movie gets, the better it performs at the box office.

                Sandler’s last six starring roles have all cashed in the more critics ripped them.

                Take for instance “Grown Ups,” which was the worst reviewed recent Sandler picture according to Rottentomatoes.com with only 10% of critics giving it a positive rating. Despite that, “Grown Ups” netted $162 million at the box office, making it his most successful recent outing commercially.

                His second-worst reviewed movie, the truly awful “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” is also his second highest-grossing.

                On the flip side of the coin, “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” scored a 36% on Rottentomatoes, which is the equivalent of an Oscar in Sandler terms, and was also his least successful recent movie.

                Remember: As far as Adam Sandler is concerned--- Quality doesn’t equal $$$.

                Although, his latest offering--- the critically reviled “Jack and Jill”--- could be reversing the trend. It scored a paltry 3% on Rottentomatoes, but it won’t break box office records anytime soon. So perhaps America’s finally getting wise to Sandler’s game. We can only hope.

                Source: LA Times