News: Lots of vampire gibberish

lacasadeloshorrores.com

Aja shows his fangs

                It’s just like that old song says: “What the world needs now are vampires… more vampires.” I think that’s how the song goes, but either way, it’s the truth.

                There really is a startling lack of vampire fiction in the entertainment sphere these days. I mean, off the top of my head I can only think of the “Twilight” films, “True Blood” and “Vampire Diaries,” the “Fright Night” remake, the “Dark Shadows” remake and “Being Human.”

The world hungers for more vampires.

                And if there’s one man we can all trust to satiate that hunger, it’s Alexandre Aja, director of such films as “Piranha 3D,” “Hills Have Eyes” (Remake) and “High Tension” (or “Haute Tension” if you’re pretentious). It should also be noted that Aja, for reasons that don’t need to be explained, is also my nemesis.

                Anyway, Aja is in negotiations to direct the big screen adaptation of the vampire comic “Undying Love.”

                “Undying Love” tells the story of an ex-soldier in modern day Hong Kong who falls in love with a beautiful woman. One problem: She’s a bloodsucker. So, he goes off on an epic quest to kill the chief vampire, thus freeing her from her curse so they can be together forever.

                Finally, a vampire love story. It’s about freaking time!

                Source: Joblo

No shirts were harmed during the making of this franchise

 Welcome to Tweeny 

 bopper heaven

                I’d advise you to put in your earplugs riiiight now. You’ve been warned.

                So, it seems the trailer for “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2” will be showing before “The Hunger Games” when the latter hits theaters on March 23. (Puts fingers in ears, waits for unearthly shrieking to subside)

If you’d like your ear drums to remain un-ruptured, you might want to steer clear of theaters for a little while, seeing as though these are the two most popular non-Harry Potter books for young girls in recent memory.     

                God the only way the midnight showing of “The Hunger Games” could be any more of tween girl heaven would be if Justin Bieber was selling popcorn and Taylor Swift was ripping tickets.

                I’ve heard good things about “Hunger Games,” though the whole idea of a dystopian future where people fight to the death on TV for food was handled pretty thoroughly already in “The Running Man”--- both movie and book.

                But hey, let the kids have their fun. How’s about the rest of us go out for ice cream sundaes and mini golf that night? No kids as far as the eye can see.

                Source: Joblo   

News: Breaking Nic Cage news + Cheese in Theaters

Breaking News: Cage NOT a vampire

                Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story and I need everyone to stop what you’re doing and listen…

                Nicholas Cage is NOT a vampire.

                That’s all. Carry on with your lives.

                Apparently, the “Ghost Rider” star went on Letterman last night to put aside any rumors that he may in fact be a centuries-old, blood-sucking, undead, creature of the night.

                Oh and also to promote his new movie, “Ghost Rider: Sprit of Vengeance,” in theaters Feb. 17, 2012!

                Apparently, someone found a picture of a guy from 1870’s Tennessee that looks exactly like Cage. This started the rumor mill a-churning that Cage was not of the living.

                And because Nic Cage is a favorite of ours here at The Cheese List, this is news.

                So, what do you think America? Should we all start stringing garlic in our local movie theaters to keep Cage away? Or is this just one of those coincidence things I’ve been hearing so much about?

                You be the judge!

eonline.com

                Source: Yahoo!

Cheese in theaters

                Sweet merciful lord there’s a lot of crap coming out this weekend. I mean my god, Hollywood just went all Dave Matthews Band on this weekend. Well, let me put on my rubber gloves and sift through all this waste.

                Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace- 58%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: You remember that movie you hated 13 years ago? Well, it’s back, only this time it’s in 3-D so there’s a whole new dimension to nauseate movie goers. You win George Lucas. The planet is officially sick of “Star Wars.” Good job.

                The Vow- 28%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: The latest romance flick where Rachel McAdams has to be reminded of stuff. Fans of “The Notebook,” here’s that long-awaited quasi-sequel you haven’t been clamoring for. Oh and this time, it’s Channing Tatum doing the reminding, not Ryan Gosling. Tatum’s good at that kind of stuff though. He’s had a lot of practice reminding people he’s not Josh Hartnett. Of course, seeing as though I’ve never seen the two of them in the same room… just saying…

                 Safe House- 53%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: Denzel Washington plays a bad dude and Ryan Reynolds is a rookie cop out to get him or something. Really, I only have one question: How snarky is Ryan Reynolds in this movie? Because usually, the snarkier he is, the better the movie is, outside of “Buried.” That was a sensational movie without even a drop of snark. Hey, let’s all go watch “Buried.”

                Journey 2: The Mysterious Island- 43%, Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: Ummm...

Bout sums it up.

BloodRayne

Credentials

     2.7 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 4% certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com) 18 out of 100 (metacritic.com). Nominated for 5 Razzies at the 2007 Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Picture. Won nothing.

Plot

     Rayne is a half human, half vampire who doesn’t like vampires because they killed her mom. She embarks on an epic quest to rid the world of blood suckers once and for all. Then Stephen Dorff shows up and Rayne gets sent to prison for tax evasion. Oh wait. I’m thinking of “Blade.” Hmm. Basically “BloodRayne” is exactly like “Blade.” If “Blade” were set in medieval times and made by a guy wearing a blindfold, ear plugs and hopped up on a case of Mountain Dew.

Thoughts

      I was a big fan of the “BloodRayne” videogame game way back in 2002. From what I recall, the game involved killing Nazis, vampires and mutants in clever and gory ways. Rayne’s backstory, as I pointed out above, isn’t all that original or interesting, but the WWII setting and the supernatural Nazi story line were all kinds of fun. And the gameplay was top notch.

             When I heard that a movie was coming out based on the game, I was skeptical. There have been few successful transitions from the game console to the big screen. When I heard Uwe Boll was going to direct, my skepticism turned into outright nausea.

              Boll has been dubbed the modern day Ed Wood due to his string of low budget, horribly bad horror movies. This comparison, while amusing, isn’t exactly accurate. See, Wood’s movies, for all their gapping flaws, are fun. There’s a delirious energy coursing through disasterpieces like “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”

No such energy exists in Boll’s movies. There’s no joy to be found anywhere in the sullen “BloodRayne,” which for some reason is set in the days of knights instead of Nazis.

              Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, the T-X from “Terminator 3,” the singer Meat Loaf. How can you make a cast like that look bad? Boll finds a way. Except for Meat Loaf. He comes out fine.  

              The worst of the worst in terms of acting is perpetrated by Michelle Rodriguez. She doesn’t quite pull off the old English accent. She ends up carefully and slowly pronouncing each and every syllable of every word as if she’d never used them before. 

              Tired action scenes, cheap special effects, MTV style editing. An abundance of confusing sexuality. The “BloodRayne” characters make the “Jersey Shore” kids look like nuns.

The movie runs a scant 90 minutes, but it feels longer. Much longer.       

The end makes no sense and for some reason Boll decides to include a recap of the film’s events in case you’d forgotten. Or wanted to see them again. I can assure you there’s almost no way it’s the latter.

Breakdown

:14-

Why yes ladies, I was in "Titanic." What? No, I don't bloody well know where Leo is!

:23-

It seems like no matter who is ruling the planet (people, zombies, vampires, apes, ect.) horses always end up doing all the dirty work. Where's the movie with the horses running the show?

:34-

You ever notice how sword fighting in movies looks so natural? Yeah, not so much here.

:34-

Who the heck taught Michael Madsen how to hold a sword?

:52-

Well, this movie isn't going anywhere. Let's play another round of "Who Does This Guy Look Like?"

1:10-

Is it me or does Michelle Rodirguez's costume no longer seem to fit the time period?

1:16-

Don't worry TV's MacGuyver will save the day!

1:19-

NHL analyst Brian Engblom!

1:22- 

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "American Pie," Sean William Scott!

1:27-

BloodRayne went on to have a successful career in the "Got Blood?" advertising campaign.



1:29-

And now a special guest appearance by NFL superstar Tom Brady!

                So there you go. “BloodRayne,” the first of what I can only assume will a long list of Uwe Boll films to make the cut. Germany’s Ed Wood? Maybe one day, if he buckles down and tries really, really hard. Over 50 years later, we’re still watching, laughing with--- and at--- Wood’s movies. Boll can only hope to be so lucky.

                Bumblebee tuna.