News: Snipes is back and fighting zombies

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So Wesley Snipes is back. I mean, not really. He’s still in prison for tax evasion, but luckily he was able to find some time while on the lam to film a new movie.

                It’s amazing how that works isn’t it? Back in the day, going on the lam meant jumping on trains when they slowed to go around a bend and hiding out in the woods and stuff.

                Times they are a-changing indeed. Now you get to film cheesy zombie-western movies while on the lam.

                Snipes’ latest work is “GallowWalkers.” In it he plays a bounty hunter-type guy who walks around the old west looking badass. Only problem? He just so happens to be cursed and everyone he kills comes back to life as a sorta zombie demon creature hell bent on revenge. Sucks. So, our hero joins forces with a fancy pants young gunman who could help him conquer his enemies and maybe even the curse once and for all.

                Check out the trailer.

                “GallowWalkers” doesn’t have a release date yet, but it looks like it could be a decent amount of hokey fun. Snipes may not know how to fill out a tax form, but by god the man knows one-liners and action movies.

                Info: ComingSoon.net

News: 'Big Ass' trailer

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Sometimes all it takes to convince me to see a movie is the title. “Snakes on a Plane,” Piranha 3DD,” for example.

                Sometimes I get burned and the movie turns out to be less awesome than I expected (“Piranha 3DD”), but whatever I’m a sucker for a good title. I make no apologies about that.

                With that said you can only imagine how excited I get when I hear a title like “Big Ass Spider!” Yup, the exclamation mark is an actual part of the title.

                Here’s the trailer.

                The effects look horrible, the acting seems clunky, but my god does this look like absolute Cheese List fodder or what?

                In case you couldn’t tell, the movie is about a giant alien spider that escapes from a military installation and goes on a rampage in downtown LA. Naturally, the army isn’t enough to rein the beast in, so a team of scientists and an exterminator are called in to finish the job and save the city.

                I’m so game.

                “Big Ass Spider!” hits the South by Southwest film festival on March 8.

                Info: Arrow in the Head                  

News: 'Hansel' has a dirty mouth

So, I don’t think it can be stressed enough just how incredibly stupid “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” looks.

                Every time I see anything about it, all I can think is “Who in their right mind green lit another ‘Van Helsing?’”

                God that movie was awful. Once I can fully get over my disappointment about how awful “Van Helsing” was, I’ll watch it for The Cheese List. Still got a few more therapy sessions to go, though. How could you, Hugh?

                Well, I guess someone thinks there’s still a market for famous literary characters in loud action movies with ridiculously silly weaponry and a boat-load of CGI.

                And because of that we were treated to this red band “trailer” for “Hansel and Gretel” today.

             Can't find it one Youtube, so check it out right here.

 I mean, it’s not really a trailer. It’s essentially a 30 second-long excuse for Jeremy Renner to drop what I can only assume will be the movie’s highlight and signature line: “Don’t eat the f’n candy.”

It’s not quite “I’ve had enough of these mutha f’n snakes on this muth f’n plane,” but yeah it’ll do.

“H&G:WH” hits theaters this Friday. I love me some Jeremy Renner, but that love is not unconditional. In fact, it’s very, very conditional. The biggest one? Don’t try to make me relive “Van Helsing.” I’m just not there yet.

Bumblebee tuna.

Info: Arrow in the Head

News: Trailer round-up

                Not much news worth mentioning, so how’s about a quick roundup of some crappy-looking new trailers? Sure, who wouldn’t want that for their Wednesday evening? Stay inside, avoid the lovely weather and park yourself down in front of the computer for some gibberish. The good life.  

                Well, let’s start with the new trailer for the Farrelly brothers take on “The Three Stooges.”

                The first one was wholly unimpressive and it’s good to see the lads are consistent. This new trailer is also very unimpressive.

                There’s loads of slapstick violence that just somehow lacks the charm of the original. Also, this new trailer seems to have swapped Sofia Vergera in for Kate Upton. I guess depending on your preference, that’s either a good thing. Kind of a push really.

                Oh well, it looks awful so let’s all not see it.

                And then we’ve got the red band “Piranha 3DD” trailer. This is pretty much the exact same thing as the first trailer for “Piranha 3DD” except it features a lot of… hmm… not sure if I’m allowed to say this word on the internet, but I’ll try… boobies.

                Hopefully that word didn’t get censored. As of now, a SWAT team hasn’t come crashing in through my window which means Rick Santorum isn’t president yet and the internet is still a bastion of freedom and immorality. Like god intended.

                Anyway, I’ve been over my feelings on this movie. Not all that interested anymore. But hey, can you believe “The Dark Knight Rises” comes out this year? I know! So awesome!

                Here’s the trailer for that. 

   

                Source: Youtube

News: Lots of vampire gibberish

lacasadeloshorrores.com

Aja shows his fangs

                It’s just like that old song says: “What the world needs now are vampires… more vampires.” I think that’s how the song goes, but either way, it’s the truth.

                There really is a startling lack of vampire fiction in the entertainment sphere these days. I mean, off the top of my head I can only think of the “Twilight” films, “True Blood” and “Vampire Diaries,” the “Fright Night” remake, the “Dark Shadows” remake and “Being Human.”

The world hungers for more vampires.

                And if there’s one man we can all trust to satiate that hunger, it’s Alexandre Aja, director of such films as “Piranha 3D,” “Hills Have Eyes” (Remake) and “High Tension” (or “Haute Tension” if you’re pretentious). It should also be noted that Aja, for reasons that don’t need to be explained, is also my nemesis.

                Anyway, Aja is in negotiations to direct the big screen adaptation of the vampire comic “Undying Love.”

                “Undying Love” tells the story of an ex-soldier in modern day Hong Kong who falls in love with a beautiful woman. One problem: She’s a bloodsucker. So, he goes off on an epic quest to kill the chief vampire, thus freeing her from her curse so they can be together forever.

                Finally, a vampire love story. It’s about freaking time!

                Source: Joblo

No shirts were harmed during the making of this franchise

 Welcome to Tweeny 

 bopper heaven

                I’d advise you to put in your earplugs riiiight now. You’ve been warned.

                So, it seems the trailer for “Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2” will be showing before “The Hunger Games” when the latter hits theaters on March 23. (Puts fingers in ears, waits for unearthly shrieking to subside)

If you’d like your ear drums to remain un-ruptured, you might want to steer clear of theaters for a little while, seeing as though these are the two most popular non-Harry Potter books for young girls in recent memory.     

                God the only way the midnight showing of “The Hunger Games” could be any more of tween girl heaven would be if Justin Bieber was selling popcorn and Taylor Swift was ripping tickets.

                I’ve heard good things about “Hunger Games,” though the whole idea of a dystopian future where people fight to the death on TV for food was handled pretty thoroughly already in “The Running Man”--- both movie and book.

                But hey, let the kids have their fun. How’s about the rest of us go out for ice cream sundaes and mini golf that night? No kids as far as the eye can see.

                Source: Joblo