News: Sandler is king of the... Razzies

Remember the good old days? Back when girls were girls and men were men. (PS: We sure could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.)

                Anyway, one of the staples of said good days was the Scantron test. As a kid, this was about as good as a test could get. You got multiple choices, you got to fill in a bunch of circles, teachers got to put their feet up and let a machine do the grading for them. Everybody won.

                The only downside to the Scantron test? That nagging feeling that after you’d filled in three “C” answers in a row that the next one couldn’t possibly be “C.” Sure enough, you’d read the question and think “The answer’s C!” But no. That little voice in your head kept saying “What are the odds the teacher would put four “C’s” in a row like that? Then you’d end up picking “A” because you hadn’t used it in like 10 questions even though you were 90% it was a joke answer.

                Yeah, that’s basically what happened with my Razzie predictions. My gut told me to go “Jack and Jill” across the board, but the sight of all those pictures of Sandler’s ugly mug in a row seemed wrong. So I tacked on a British supermodel and Ken Jeong and braced for impact.

                Ladies and gentlemen, we have impact. I mean, it wasn’t all bad. I still managed to go 5-7 with my pre-Razzie predictions. Not too shabby really.

                Sander’s poopfest, “Jack and Jill” made history and swept every single solitary category at the 32^nd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards, a celebration of the worst Hollywood has to offer.

                No other film had ever done that. Touche, Mr. S.

                Sandler took home Worst Actor and Worst Actress trophies for his dual roles as the titular brother and sister.

                Katie Holmes and Al Pacino each took home Worst Supporting… nods for their roles in the film.

                The three thespians also shared the Worst Screen Couple award and the Worst Ensemble Award, as well.

                For a complete list of winner, click here. I’ll give you a hint. “Jack and Jill” won it. Whatever it was you were thinking about, “Jack and Jill” won it. Stupid little voice. I knew I should have just went with “C.”

                Source: Razzies

Review: Jack and Jill

Credentials: 3%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.3 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 23 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: Jack (Adam Sandler) is a successful--- and very douchey--- advertising executive, living the dream in LA. The only blemish on his idyllic existence surfaces every Thanksgiving --- his twin sister Jill (Adam Sandler). Jill is whiny, nasally, loud and extremely annoying. Usually, Jack can’t wait to be rid of his sister, and this year is no different. That is until she inexplicably becomes a key figure in a business deal that could make or break Jack’s company. Before you can say “Everyone stop shouting,” Al Pacino shows up playing himself, dozens of ex-SNL cast members get to come out of hiding and poop jokes start flying like it’s a playground full of first graders. Woopie. Oh yeah and Sandler once again gives himself a disproportionately hot wife (also played by Adam Sand… oh wait I mean Katie Homes).     

Why it stinks: Look, let’s not beat around this bush on this thing. We’re all good, honest, apple-pie eating and god-fearing Americans. We all know why “Jack and Jill” sucks. It sucks because Adam Sandler did it. It sucks because he hasn’t been funny in years and yet people keep going to see his movies, which causes other people to give him money to make more movies.

                Just when Sandler’s career seemed to have finally bottomed out after 2007’s vile “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” he whipped out a dress and a jackhammer and screamed “rock bottom be damned I can, nay, will do worse!”

And here we are.

There is nothing more creatively bankrupt than the male comedian in drag routine. Yes, Eddie, Tyler and Martin I’m looking at you three geniuses, as well. Guys in drag aren’t funny enough to carry a movie anymore.

So “Jack and Jill” gets all of its laughs the cheap way: celebrity cameos. There were two highlights for me: one ex-SNL “Weekend Update” anchor and one super-celebrity/deity. That’s about all the pleasure I was able to derive from this nonsense.

Story-wise, I almost wish Sandler and crew had just stuck with the whole “houseguest from hell during the holidays” angle. Instead, they elected to concoct this idiotic idea tying Jill into Jack’s business deal.

Long story short: Al Pacino falls in love with Jill (remember: Adam Sandler) and unless she falls for him, Pacino won’t do a commercial for Jack’s company. Ugh. Pacino has an Oscar for god sakes and now he’s doing this crap. Also: Someone needs to do a study and find out when Pacino officially stopped acting and just started shouting all the time.

All that’s bad enough, but I honestly couldn’t decide who I hated more Jack or Jill. We’re supposed to side with everyman Jack and root against the nightmarish Jill--- at least initially. Trouble is, as Jack, Sandler just comes across as a mega-douche. Both characters end up being completely and utterly intolerable and we have Sandler to thank for that.

There are enough go-nowhere subplots (involving Jack's psychotic kids, parents and friends) to fill at least two Sandler movies. That's saying something. 

Worst of the Worst

At one point Jack dresses up as Jill to woo Pacino. So Sandler's playing a character playing a character he also plays. Remarkable. Also remarkable: People were PAID to write this.

Video Evidence

 

There you have it, “Jack and Jill.” Bumblebee tuna.

New Adam Sandler movie yawn

                God, not much going on in the world of crappy movies. Just some more trailer talk. Although, this one is a bit of a doozy.

                Doesn’t Adam Sandler have enough money yet? I mean for the love of god does he REALLY need to force feed America 3-4 lousy movies every stinking year?

                Take some time off, Adam! Go see the world. Maybe try your hand at carpentry or something. Just stop making movies for a while.

                His latest, “That’s My Boy,” is rated R! Oh boy! So that means we can say the script is comprised entirely of “shit jokes” instead of “poop jokes.” Great.

                Even better is the fact that Andy Sandberg is also in this thing, playing Sandler’s kid. The only good thing Sandberg has ever done that didn’t involve Justin Timberlake was “Lazy Sunday.” Otherwise, to me, he’s a physical embodiment of the steaming crap storm that has replaced “SNL” for the last decade or so.

                Anyway, Sandler plays a deadbeat man child of a dad whose own son has gone on to great success. Turns out the father hasn’t been paying his taxes, so he goes to hit up the son for money. Along the way, the dad learns some sort of life lesson about the importance of family. Or something. Who cares.

                Sandler, please, think of the children. Your country NEEDS you to stop making movies.

                Source: Youtube  

News: The reason you hate 'Twilight' + Sandler battles logic

deadline.com

 

Hate ‘Twilight?’ God/Cthulhu 

made you that way

                Do you hate the “Twilight” empire, its fans, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and most especially, the kid with the abs?

                According to a recent study by Kansas State University, it’s not your fault. Hating “Twilight” is encoded in your DNA. It’s stuck in the very fiber of your being, right next to hair color and whether or not you can wiggle your ears.

                Scientist-types have discovered there are two types of people walking the Earth, those who like fantasy and those who don’t.

                After an elaborate series of experimentations, it seems some folks are cool with accepting the limitless altered realities that exist in works of fantasy, while others prefer things that play by the rules.

                Science fiction, by the by, wasn’t included as fantasy since it tends to apply logic to the world it creates.

                People who liked fantasy were more prone to daydreaming and also were known to insert fantastical elements into works that were more grounded. For example: Imagining having the ability to fly in a straightforward story about watching a sunset.

                Read more about the study right here.

                So next time you see a grown woman on the bus reading a dog-eared copy of “New Moon,” resist the urge to punch her square in the face.

You need to punch her DNA in the face instead.

Source: MSNBC

myspace.com

Adam Sandler: Better when he sucks?

            

    Common sense indicates that when a movie is truly awful, it will make no money.

                Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Adam Sandler, defier of logic, smiter of common sense, dark knight of nonsense.

                Apparently, the worse reviews a Sandler movie gets, the better it performs at the box office.

                Sandler’s last six starring roles have all cashed in the more critics ripped them.

                Take for instance “Grown Ups,” which was the worst reviewed recent Sandler picture according to Rottentomatoes.com with only 10% of critics giving it a positive rating. Despite that, “Grown Ups” netted $162 million at the box office, making it his most successful recent outing commercially.

                His second-worst reviewed movie, the truly awful “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” is also his second highest-grossing.

                On the flip side of the coin, “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” scored a 36% on Rottentomatoes, which is the equivalent of an Oscar in Sandler terms, and was also his least successful recent movie.

                Remember: As far as Adam Sandler is concerned--- Quality doesn’t equal $$$.

                Although, his latest offering--- the critically reviled “Jack and Jill”--- could be reversing the trend. It scored a paltry 3% on Rottentomatoes, but it won’t break box office records anytime soon. So perhaps America’s finally getting wise to Sandler’s game. We can only hope.

                Source: LA Times

Little Nicky

Credentials: 5.0 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 22% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 38 out of 100 (metacritic.com) Named: The Worst Comedy of All Time by Michael J. Nelson, head writer and star of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and “Rifftrax.”

Plot: Two of the Devil’s (Harvey Keitel) three sons are looking to dethrone the Prince of Darkness. They head northward to Earth, freezing the portal to hell behind them. With no new souls to give him strength, their diabolical dad is in big trouble. It’s up to the remaining son to save the day. Unfortunately for the devil--- and audiences--- that son is played by Adam Sandler.

Thoughts:

                I’m no fan of Adam Sandler. Even his supposed best movies--- “Billy Madison,” “Happy Gilmore”--- don’t really do much for me. Sure, they’re good for a few laughs, but they don’t tickle me the way they seem to the rest of the world.

                And that’s the good movies.

                You can’t really call “Little Nicky” a movie. It’s really just a huge collection of cameos and references to old Sandler movies. The plot exists solely to get us from celebrity to celebrity or more accurately, former SNL cast member to former SNL cast member.

                But no one goes to see Sandler movies because of the plot. So, let’s focus some more on the man himself.

                Nicky is far and away the most annoying in a long line of annoying Sandler creations. With his slumped posture and raspy voice, Nicky is like the hunchback of Notre Dame with a greasy emo-kid hairdo.

                Movies can overcome irritating side characters, but not THE main character who is in basically every scene.

                “Little Nicky” has some cool, albeit dated-looking effects and the cameos are sort of fun. Not funny, mind you, but fun. It’s like a game. “How did Sandler Trick (BLANK) Into Agreeing to Be in ‘Little Nicky?’”

                You can actually play a little 6 degrees of separation too. As in, when this guy agreed to be in it, he dragged along (BLANK).

                Trust me. You’re going to need to entertain yourself somehow. Lord knows “Little Nicky” won’t do it for you. The jokes are Sandler’s usual, almost too immature for the playground style humor. If you’ve ever wanted to see a demon with boobs on its head, you’re insane. Also, you’re in luck because said demon, while not a main character, gets a ton of screen time.

                There’s not a whole lot to like about “Little Nicky.” Still, I’m not sure this is Sandler’s worst movie. I still think that honor belongs to “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” but “Little Nicky” is up there.

Breakdown

:04-

Adam Sandler's most annoying character. Wow. That's like being the smartest member or MENSA.

:15-

And here's your winner for Best Cameo!

:31-

What a pair of boobs... I'm talking about Nealon and Dangerfield... duh. No respect...

:51-

In case you were wondering how Sandler can make so many bad movies, so quickly...



1:15-

Well, I guess someone needs to keep Rob Schneider employed.

                So there you have it, “Little Nicky.”

                Bumblebee tuna.