News: Spring of The Rock

huffingtonpost.co.uk

In honor of his momentous victory at Sunday’s Royal Rumble, let’s talk a little Rock, shall we?

                That’s right, in case you missed it The Rock vanquished CM Punk with a People’s Elbow to once again hold the WWE Title. All is right with the world.  

                So Rocky’s riding high right now. And things just keep getting better. The so-so-looking-but-who-cares-it’s-The-Rock “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” hits theaters March 29. But the real money-maker comes about two months later on May 24 --- “Fast and Furious 6,” or as I like to call it “The Sequel to Fast Five and Four Movies I Don’t Care About.”

                And today that movie got itself an official summary. Here’s what we can expect from “F&F6” (or (TStFFaFMIDCA”):

                “Since Dom (Vin Diesel) and Brian’s (Paul Walker) Rio heist toppled a kingpin’s empire and left their crew with $100 million, our heroes have scattered across the globe. But their inability to return home and living forever on the lam have left their lives incomplete. Meanwhile, Hobbs (The Rock) has been tracking an organization of lethally skilled mercenary drivers across 12 countries, whose mastermind is aided by a ruthless” --- and mysterious (spoiler deleted) ---“ second-in-command. The only way to stop the criminal outfit is to outmatch them at street level, so Hobbs asks Dom to assemble his elite team in London. Payment? Full pardons for all of them so they can return home and make their families whole again.”

blacksportsonline.com

                It’s going to be a good Spring with that much Rock on the big screen. You can also check out Rock as he most likely defends his title against John Cena at Wrestlemania.

                Bumblebee tuna.

                Info: Joblo

News: 'Evil Dead' is on the move

January is known as a fabled breeding ground for awful movies. While theaters may be packed to the gills with ’em, news outlets are pretty bare.

                But, by god I promised daily updates and that’s just what I’m going to do.

                Yesterday we talked about the nonsense-looking “Robocop” remake and judged the crap out of it even though it’s still well over a year away from stumbling drunkenly into theaters. Good times.

                So let’s keep that remake train a-rolling today and talk about another remake of a classic gore-fest, “The Evil Dead.”

                Now “Evil Dead ...” well, I’m not sure what to make of this thing. The trailers are insanely brutally violent, which is promising and true to the spirit of the original. But remakes are tough and they rarely work better than the thing they’re redoing. Also, the new one has to top Bruce Campbell, which is damn near impossible.

                The potential for disaster is strong with this one.

                Anyway, the powers that be in Hollywood started shuffling movies around and low and behold “The Evil Dead” remake has itself a brand new release date --- a full week earlier!

                That’s right, now we can all watch demons mutilate themselves on the big screen on April 5^th! Going to be a busy weekend for yours truly as the “Jurassic Park” 3-D re-release also hits screens that day and I love me some dinosaurs.

                So there you go. It’s not much, but it’s news.

                Bumblebee tuna.

                Info: Ain’t It Cool

News: New 'Robocop' pic

As you are probably already sadly aware, there’s a “Robocop” remake coming down the pipes.

 The first image of the new Robocop came out a few months back and the general consensus among us anonymous, faceless internet types was that it looked super-lame. Super mega mega lame.

                Here it is again:

Buzzpatrol.com

                Basically, it looks just like a guy in a suit. Which I guess is technically exactly what it is, but …

                OH! Also, I think it sorta looks like this:

Movieweb.com

                Yeah, "GI Joe." Definitely a horrible sign. Anyway so today another picture from the set hit the webs and it is equal parts unappetizing and meh. Here's the new one:

ArrowintheHead.com

               

                That happy-looking fellow is a Robocop prototype called the EM-208 Humanoid Drone.

                In addition to “GI Joe,” this movie seems to have also taken a few cues from “Iron Man,” as well.

                What I guess I’m trying to say is, with all those other movies, do we need this? The answer is of course a resounding no, but Hollywood’s got sacks with dollar signs on them that need fillin’ so here we are.

                Robocop shoots his way through Old Detroit in theaters very nearly one year from now, February 7th, 2014.

                Bumblebee tuna.

                Info: Arrow in the Head

Cheese List Preview

So we’re going back to the realm of horror for this week’s Cheese List feature because it’s January and it’s freezing and yet still raining and awful outside, so really, what choice do we have?

                Our movie comes from a true legend of the horror genre, a name known far and wide, by both genre fans and the loved ones they drag to theaters with them.

                However, there’s a strong case to be made that this particular icon might be a wee bit over-hyped. A wee lot bit over-hyped.

                Sure, he’s responsible for some of the most memorable monsters to ever carve their way across the big screen, but nearly all of his movies have had glaring flaws. Usually around the ending.

                But as I remarked to myself this weekend as the end credits rolled on “Mama,” “well ... endings are hard,” so he gets a pass from most of the community for his obvious shortcomings.

This  week’s feature is a collaboration between said horror icon and a screenwriter pal, a pair that struck gold and gave us the most memorable slasher of the 90’s. This time around, the pairing elected to take on creature features, only the results wasn’t quite so golden as they were embarrassingly awful.

Let’s take a look …

Yup, it’s “Cursed,” written by Kevin Williamson, directed by Wes Craven and starring Christina Ricci’s forehead, Portia de Rossi, Shannon Elizabeth, Milo Ventimiglia and Christina Ricci.

Sexy “teens” and werewolves. Boy oh boy.

Credentials: 16%, Certified rotten (rottentomaotes.com) // 4.8 out of 10 (imdb.com) // 31 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Here’s what our friends the critics had to some about “Cursed”:

“The scariest thing in the movie is a cameo by Scott Baio,” said Ben Kenigsberg of the Villiage Voice, which seems needlessly mean to poor Scott Baio.

And because we all know the only thing movie critics love more than Meryl Streep is a lame, title-based pun: “Dumb werewolf movie may leave you feeling cursed,” so sayeth Beth Pratt from Common Sense Media. 

Now, this is the part where I usually crack wise and post a super-negative review and try to convince you it’s actually a positive one. We have fun, you and I. But this, this I swear to Jay-Z is an actual positive review.

“Until this past Friday, the worst werewolf film ever made was, hairy hands down, Mike Nichols' Wolf. Cursed now assumes that dubious distinction and someone is going to have to try very hard to wrestle it away,” raved Rick Kisonak, from Film Threat.

            I kid you not. Rotten Tomatoes counted that one in the positive column. So “Cursed” should likely have an even lower Tomato-meter score, but so it goes.

Check back on Friday for my full review.