Monday, January 7, 2013

Cheese List returns + preview

Good news citizens of the internet: The bitter, months-long labor war between Cheese List, LLC, Inc. and its writers union over critical issues such as blog-related revenue, writer pensions and contract length has finally been settled.
                And it was settled the old-fashioned way.  Not with suits and ties and humongous boardroom tables, but with fisticuffs in a brutally violent, fearsome Hell in a Cell match. The way our founding fathers settled their arguments over the Bill of Rights.
                Now, let’s not get into who emerged in glorious victory and who conceded on all points like a frightened puppy. And of course, there really were no winners during this work stoppage, which wiped out months of bad movie watching. Only losers. Except for the writers. And the owners. But everyone else lost. Sorry, I guess. THANK YOU FANS!!!!!1
                Anywho, so The Cheese List will be returning to its once a day format. Here’s how the new schedule will break down for the first few weeks … until some new monkey wrench is inevitably tossed into the gears and everything comes screeching back to a halt once again. But until that day, dear friends, here’s what to expect:

                Monday: Preview of the movie we’ll be reviewing that week on The Cheese List
                Tuesday: Bad movie news
                Wednesday: More news
                Thursday: Even more news if you can believe it
                Friday: Cheese List movie review
                Saturday/Sunday: Sweet, sweet nothing

                So there it is. A fine and capable schedule if there ever was one.
                This week’s Cheese List entry is a low-budget, massively divisive sequel to a low-budget, massively divisive horror movie I reviewed way back on August 8, 2012. The film was written and directed by Tom Six and stars Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie and Maddi Black.
                It tells the heart-warming tale of a misunderstood young man named Martin whose only crime is loving movies maybe just a little bit too much. The one thing that would make our hero happier than anything in the world would be to finally be allowed to have the pet of his dreams. Let’s take a look shall we?

                Ah yeah. It’s “Human Centipede II: Full Sequence.” Well, turns out that pet happens to be made up of 12 people sewn together, mouth-to-uhh-butt. So maybe Martin’s not so great after all. 

                Credentials: 30%, Certified Rotten ( // 17 out of 100 ( // 4.0 out of 10 (

                Roger Ebert, of the Chicago Sun-Times said of “HCII”: “The film is reprehensible, dismaying, ugly, artless and an affront to any notion, however remote, of human decency.” Felix Vazquez Jr., from Cinema Craze, called the movie “excruciating and horrendous.”
But not every critic hated “HCII.” Robbie Collin, from the Daily Telegraph, dug deep into his heart and came up with this complement: “It would be unfair to say the film is completely without merit, but what little there is is drowned out by its blaring vileness.”
See? “Not completely without merit!” So there’s hope. Check in Friday for my thoughts and may god have mercy on my soul.
                Bumblebee tuna.

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