Good news citizens of the internet: The bitter, months-long
labor war between Cheese List, LLC, Inc. and its writers union over critical
issues such as blog-related revenue, writer pensions and contract length has
finally been settled.
And it
was settled the old-fashioned way. Not
with suits and ties and humongous boardroom tables, but with fisticuffs in a brutally
violent, fearsome Hell in a Cell match. The way our founding fathers settled
their arguments over the Bill of Rights.
Now, let’s
not get into who emerged in glorious victory and who conceded on all points
like a frightened puppy. And of course, there really were no winners during
this work stoppage, which wiped out months of bad movie watching. Only losers.
Except for the writers. And the owners. But everyone else lost. Sorry, I guess.
THANK YOU FANS!!!!!1
 |
| digitaljournal.com |
Anywho,
so The Cheese List will be returning to its once a day format. Here’s how the
new schedule will break down for the first few weeks … until some new monkey
wrench is inevitably tossed into the gears and everything comes screeching back
to a halt once again. But until that day, dear friends, here’s what to expect:
Monday: Preview of the movie we’ll be
reviewing that week on The Cheese List
Tuesday:
Bad movie news
Wednesday:
More news
Thursday:
Even more news if you can believe it
Friday:
Cheese List movie review
Saturday/Sunday:
Sweet, sweet nothing
So
there it is. A fine and capable schedule if there ever was one.
This
week’s Cheese List entry is a low-budget, massively divisive sequel to a
low-budget, massively divisive horror movie I reviewed way back on August 8, 2012. The
film was written and directed by Tom Six and stars Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn
Yennie and Maddi Black.
It
tells the heart-warming tale of a misunderstood young man named Martin whose
only crime is loving movies maybe just a little bit too much. The one thing
that would make our hero happier than anything in the world would be to finally
be allowed to have the pet of his dreams. Let’s take a look shall we?
Ah
yeah. It’s “Human Centipede II: Full Sequence.” Well, turns out that pet
happens to be made up of 12 people sewn together, mouth-to-uhh-butt. So maybe
Martin’s not so great after all.
Credentials:
30%, Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com) // 17 out of 100 (metacritic.com) //
4.0 out of 10 (imdb.com)
Roger
Ebert, of the Chicago Sun-Times said of “HCII”: “The film is reprehensible,
dismaying, ugly, artless and an affront to any notion, however remote, of human
decency.” Felix Vazquez Jr., from Cinema Craze, called the movie “excruciating
and horrendous.”
But not every critic hated “HCII.” Robbie
Collin, from the Daily Telegraph, dug deep into his heart and came up with this
complement: “It would be unfair to say the
film is completely without merit, but what little there is is drowned out by
its blaring vileness.”
See? “Not completely without merit!”
So there’s hope. Check in Friday for my thoughts and may god have mercy on my
soul.
Bumblebee
tuna.
No comments:
Post a Comment