News: Sandler is king of the... Razzies

Remember the good old days? Back when girls were girls and men were men. (PS: We sure could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.)

                Anyway, one of the staples of said good days was the Scantron test. As a kid, this was about as good as a test could get. You got multiple choices, you got to fill in a bunch of circles, teachers got to put their feet up and let a machine do the grading for them. Everybody won.

                The only downside to the Scantron test? That nagging feeling that after you’d filled in three “C” answers in a row that the next one couldn’t possibly be “C.” Sure enough, you’d read the question and think “The answer’s C!” But no. That little voice in your head kept saying “What are the odds the teacher would put four “C’s” in a row like that? Then you’d end up picking “A” because you hadn’t used it in like 10 questions even though you were 90% it was a joke answer.

                Yeah, that’s basically what happened with my Razzie predictions. My gut told me to go “Jack and Jill” across the board, but the sight of all those pictures of Sandler’s ugly mug in a row seemed wrong. So I tacked on a British supermodel and Ken Jeong and braced for impact.

                Ladies and gentlemen, we have impact. I mean, it wasn’t all bad. I still managed to go 5-7 with my pre-Razzie predictions. Not too shabby really.

                Sander’s poopfest, “Jack and Jill” made history and swept every single solitary category at the 32^nd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards, a celebration of the worst Hollywood has to offer.

                No other film had ever done that. Touche, Mr. S.

                Sandler took home Worst Actor and Worst Actress trophies for his dual roles as the titular brother and sister.

                Katie Holmes and Al Pacino each took home Worst Supporting… nods for their roles in the film.

                The three thespians also shared the Worst Screen Couple award and the Worst Ensemble Award, as well.

                For a complete list of winner, click here. I’ll give you a hint. “Jack and Jill” won it. Whatever it was you were thinking about, “Jack and Jill” won it. Stupid little voice. I knew I should have just went with “C.”

                Source: Razzies

Review: Jack and Jill

Credentials: 3%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.3 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 23 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: Jack (Adam Sandler) is a successful--- and very douchey--- advertising executive, living the dream in LA. The only blemish on his idyllic existence surfaces every Thanksgiving --- his twin sister Jill (Adam Sandler). Jill is whiny, nasally, loud and extremely annoying. Usually, Jack can’t wait to be rid of his sister, and this year is no different. That is until she inexplicably becomes a key figure in a business deal that could make or break Jack’s company. Before you can say “Everyone stop shouting,” Al Pacino shows up playing himself, dozens of ex-SNL cast members get to come out of hiding and poop jokes start flying like it’s a playground full of first graders. Woopie. Oh yeah and Sandler once again gives himself a disproportionately hot wife (also played by Adam Sand… oh wait I mean Katie Homes).     

Why it stinks: Look, let’s not beat around this bush on this thing. We’re all good, honest, apple-pie eating and god-fearing Americans. We all know why “Jack and Jill” sucks. It sucks because Adam Sandler did it. It sucks because he hasn’t been funny in years and yet people keep going to see his movies, which causes other people to give him money to make more movies.

                Just when Sandler’s career seemed to have finally bottomed out after 2007’s vile “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” he whipped out a dress and a jackhammer and screamed “rock bottom be damned I can, nay, will do worse!”

And here we are.

There is nothing more creatively bankrupt than the male comedian in drag routine. Yes, Eddie, Tyler and Martin I’m looking at you three geniuses, as well. Guys in drag aren’t funny enough to carry a movie anymore.

So “Jack and Jill” gets all of its laughs the cheap way: celebrity cameos. There were two highlights for me: one ex-SNL “Weekend Update” anchor and one super-celebrity/deity. That’s about all the pleasure I was able to derive from this nonsense.

Story-wise, I almost wish Sandler and crew had just stuck with the whole “houseguest from hell during the holidays” angle. Instead, they elected to concoct this idiotic idea tying Jill into Jack’s business deal.

Long story short: Al Pacino falls in love with Jill (remember: Adam Sandler) and unless she falls for him, Pacino won’t do a commercial for Jack’s company. Ugh. Pacino has an Oscar for god sakes and now he’s doing this crap. Also: Someone needs to do a study and find out when Pacino officially stopped acting and just started shouting all the time.

All that’s bad enough, but I honestly couldn’t decide who I hated more Jack or Jill. We’re supposed to side with everyman Jack and root against the nightmarish Jill--- at least initially. Trouble is, as Jack, Sandler just comes across as a mega-douche. Both characters end up being completely and utterly intolerable and we have Sandler to thank for that.

There are enough go-nowhere subplots (involving Jack's psychotic kids, parents and friends) to fill at least two Sandler movies. That's saying something. 

Worst of the Worst

At one point Jack dresses up as Jill to woo Pacino. So Sandler's playing a character playing a character he also plays. Remarkable. Also remarkable: People were PAID to write this.

Video Evidence

 

There you have it, “Jack and Jill.” Bumblebee tuna.