News: Cheese in Theaters

Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1- 28% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                 What the heck is it: The first part of the epic final chapter in the “Twilight” saga. Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Bella (Kristen Stewart) SPOILER ALERT!!! get married and finally get down to doing the nasty. From there, gross vampire baby hijinx ensure. And presumably Taylor Lautner will take his shirt off early and often. So there’s something for everyone really.

                 Critics said: “The good news? Now that all of the tedious exposition has been gotten, glacially, out of the way, ‘Part II’ will probably be terrific.”- Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

                “It's like ‘Roadhouse’ for women. As irresistible as it is ridiculous.”- Gary Thompson, Philadelphia Daily News

“You can't blame a film based on a book for adhering to the book's idiotic storyline. You can, however, blame it for sucking as a movie.” -Matthew Razak, Flixist.com

“‘Breaking Dawn - Part 1’ as a whole feels stretched-out, as if the filmmakers realized belatedly that there wasn't enough material in the book to sustain two movies. (There isn't).” -Moira MacDonald, Seattle Times

                And despite all that, it’s still going to make a bajillion dollars, so who really cares what critics think anyways? AH! I mean, other critics. You should totally care what this site thinks haha!

Happy Feet Two- 36% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: The sequel to the mildly funny, sorta cute, but mostly very creepy hit about a penguin names Mumble that just wants to dance! This time around, Mumble’s son doesn’t like dancing so he wanders off on his own for a bit and encounters a flying penguin and global warming.

                Critics said: “For a computer-animated movie about dancing penguins, it's surprisingly leaden. Not even the impressive voice talent can rev up this clumsy spectacle.” -USA Today

News: 'Immortals' pokes fun at 'Twilight' for being the girl-version of 'Immortals'

Sweet lord it’s a slow cheesy news day.

            As evidence of that fact, please watch this TV ad for “Immortals.”

In case you’ve already forgotten, “Immortals” is the most recent sepia-toned, CGI-heavy ancient Greek nightmare to loudly stumble into theaters.

                This latest TV spot takes aim at “Twilight” fans, saying basically: “Be a manly man this weekend and see our movie, while the women folk are watching ‘Twilight.’”

                Although it is an effective campaign, I’d have liked to see them take this idea a wee bit further. Maybe something along the lines of an ancient Greek guy sitting on a couch with his hand tucked down the front of his loin cloth yelling for more wine. Maximus Bundy indeed.

                Ah well. It’s all in good fun really since both films are appealing to essentially the same market: dumb people. “Immortals” brings in the dumb guys, “Twilight” gets the dumb girls. Either way, seems like a good weekend for the rest of us to steer clear of movie theaters entirely.

                Source: Joblo

News: ‘Bioshock’ creator hates America and money

fanboy.com

                Apparently Ken Levine, creator of the hit videogame franchise “Bioshock,” is OK with not making oodles and oodles of cash.

                How downright un-American of him. He must be one of those 99% types. Hey, Levine why don’t you go and occupy something already? You know you want to.

                Levine recently dropped a bombshell on George Washington’s grave when he announced there doesn’t have to be a “Bioshock” movie. He is simply content to wait until the right opportunity comes along to make the best possible movie for fans and non-fans alike.

                Read the whole quote here.

                In other news, “Resident Evil 75” is currently in production, as is “BloodRayne 8: The Bloodening.”

                This man, despite the fact that he is clearly a socialist, has the right idea.

                We’ve seen so many truly repugnant videogame-to-big screen cash grabs, it’s refreshing to hear someone who actually cares about doing right by his fans.

                Kudos to you Mr. Levine, you are a man amongst men. Now step in line right over there, we’ve got to blacklist you before this kind of thinking spreads.   

                Oh beautiful, for spacious skies. Amber waves of grain…

                Source: Joblo

News: The reason you hate 'Twilight' + Sandler battles logic

deadline.com

 

Hate ‘Twilight?’ God/Cthulhu 

made you that way

                Do you hate the “Twilight” empire, its fans, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and most especially, the kid with the abs?

                According to a recent study by Kansas State University, it’s not your fault. Hating “Twilight” is encoded in your DNA. It’s stuck in the very fiber of your being, right next to hair color and whether or not you can wiggle your ears.

                Scientist-types have discovered there are two types of people walking the Earth, those who like fantasy and those who don’t.

                After an elaborate series of experimentations, it seems some folks are cool with accepting the limitless altered realities that exist in works of fantasy, while others prefer things that play by the rules.

                Science fiction, by the by, wasn’t included as fantasy since it tends to apply logic to the world it creates.

                People who liked fantasy were more prone to daydreaming and also were known to insert fantastical elements into works that were more grounded. For example: Imagining having the ability to fly in a straightforward story about watching a sunset.

                Read more about the study right here.

                So next time you see a grown woman on the bus reading a dog-eared copy of “New Moon,” resist the urge to punch her square in the face.

You need to punch her DNA in the face instead.

Source: MSNBC

myspace.com

Adam Sandler: Better when he sucks?

            

    Common sense indicates that when a movie is truly awful, it will make no money.

                Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Adam Sandler, defier of logic, smiter of common sense, dark knight of nonsense.

                Apparently, the worse reviews a Sandler movie gets, the better it performs at the box office.

                Sandler’s last six starring roles have all cashed in the more critics ripped them.

                Take for instance “Grown Ups,” which was the worst reviewed recent Sandler picture according to Rottentomatoes.com with only 10% of critics giving it a positive rating. Despite that, “Grown Ups” netted $162 million at the box office, making it his most successful recent outing commercially.

                His second-worst reviewed movie, the truly awful “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” is also his second highest-grossing.

                On the flip side of the coin, “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” scored a 36% on Rottentomatoes, which is the equivalent of an Oscar in Sandler terms, and was also his least successful recent movie.

                Remember: As far as Adam Sandler is concerned--- Quality doesn’t equal $$$.

                Although, his latest offering--- the critically reviled “Jack and Jill”--- could be reversing the trend. It scored a paltry 3% on Rottentomatoes, but it won’t break box office records anytime soon. So perhaps America’s finally getting wise to Sandler’s game. We can only hope.

                Source: LA Times

Review: Leonard Part 6

Credentials: N/A (Rottentomatoes.com & Metacritic.com!) / 2.1 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / #60, Imdb’s Worst 100 List / Nominated for 5 Razzies at the 1988 Golden Raspberry Awards, won 3---Worst Actor (Bill Cosby), Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay / Nominated for Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Years at the 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards

Plot: The world’s greatest secret agent, Leonard Parker (Bill Cosby), is called out of retirement to stop an evil genius (Gloria Foster) from taking over the world. What’s her weapon of choice? Planet-destroying laser beam? Freeze ray? Atomic weaponry? Nope. Animals. She plans on using the planet’s cuddliest inhabitants as foot soldiers in her quest for total domination with the help of a mind-control toxin thing. Can Leonard save the world and billions of human lives from total destruction? More importantly though, will he be able to win back his estranged wife and keep his young daughter in line????

Why it Stinks: For an action-comedy, “Leonard, Part 6” is startlingly lite on both the action and the laughs.

                As the end credits rolled, I thought to myself: “Hmmm… If they just trimmed 40-45 minutes off the runtime, this would have made for a pretty OK kids movie.” Then, I glanced at the bottom of my computer screen and saw the movie was only 90 minutes long to begin with. After a quick break for a spit take clean up, the enormity of how bad “Leonard Part 6” is really hit me.

                The reason I thought it would make for a good kids movie is because the humor is extremely dumb. The thing is, it’s as dumb as almost anything Mike Myers or Adam Sandler have ever done AND it does it without most of the usual poop and pee jokes.

                Admittedly, there are some creepy moments when Bill Cosby finds out his young daughter is dating a guy older than he is. Still, the world’s gotten more progressive since this movie first came out. Ummm… March-December relationships aren’t all that weird, I guess.

                Anyway, the script by Jonathan Reynolds is too slow as it stands. It spends too much time worrying about Leonard’s deeply, deeply uninteresting personal life and not enough time on the whole, you know, world in peril thing.

                Even though the evil genius and her dastardly plot both suck, I’d still rather watch a frog stalk a guy than see Bill Cosby get in a one-sided food fight with his bitter ex-wife.

                And the jokes, they’re just weak. Lots of lame sight gags, silly accents and even a killer rabbit or two. It’s like a Monty Python movie, if the Monty Python crew all had their funny bones surgically removed. I don’t think I laughed once, either with or at “Leonard Part 6.” I was, however, extremely bored throughout.  
                So, how much of it was Bill Cosby's fault? Considering he starred in it, produced it and wrote the story the script was based on... I'm going with a lot. Though, in an odd twist, everyone's favorite Jell-O pitchman literally disowned the movie prior to its release. Sorry Bill, you can't undo what's already been did.      

Quick Hits

                ---Props for the henchman doing the whole “Why don’t we just kill” the super spy hero instead of holding him hostage stuff. Although, Myers and Seth Green handled the same material much better in “Austin Powers.”

                --- Features more Coca-Cola plugs than an entire season of "American Idol"

                ---If Rottentomatoes hasn’t reviewed your movie, it essentially doesn’t exist. There are usually gaps in Metacritic, but Rottentomatoes usually reserves space even for the worst movies.

                ---Runners up for worst scene: Bill Cosby riding an ostrich, a fish that sniffs and barks like a bloodhound and the kitchen shootout sequence  

Worst of the Worst: The worst scene in “Leonard Part 6” is the ballet-themed fight scene against henchmen wearing bird masks. I didn’t understand it while I was watching, and looking back on it now I still don’t get it.   

                

Video Evidence

Kitchen shoot out... blah.

The worst of the worst scene in umm... action

Bill Cosby leads the fight against vegetables

                Bumblebee tuna.

News: Cheese in Theaters

                Ugly looking weekend coming up. Best use it to go see “Puss in Boots” again America. Or, you know, maybe spend some time with friends and loved ones in a social setting where communication is not only accepted, but encouraged.

                Nah I’m just kidding. Go sit in the cold, forgiving darkness and watch “Puss in Boots” again! You earned it!

trailershut.com

                J. Edgar- 42% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: I’m still looking forward to seeing this one despite what critics think. Clint Eastwood directs and Leo DiCaprio stars in a biopic about the life and times of FBI founder J. Edgar Hoover.

                Critics said: “Watching J. Edgar reminded this critic of sitting in a dimly lit history class after tossing back a tablespoon of NyQuil.” -Tyler Hanley, Palo Alto Weekly

                 

                Immortals- 47% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: More nonsense about ancient Greeks, gods, goddesses and huge, slow-motion, sepia-toned battle sequences. And abs. Lots and lots of abs.

                Critics said: “Sing to me, O Muse, of gods and men, of timeless legends and forgettable retreads. Speak of "Immortals," and answer in all seriousness: did you even read that awful script?” –Paul Brunick, New York Times  

                11-11-11- N/A

                What the heck is it: After a guy’s wife dies, he travels around and starts seeing the number 11 everywhere, which can only mean one thing: the end of the world. Darren Lynn Bousman (“Saw” 2,3,4) directs.

                Critics said:

                And the big winner is…

dailystab.com

                Jack and Jill- 0% Certified Rotten

                What the heck is it: As if one Adam Sandler per movie wasn’t bad enough, this time there’s two. Sandler plays both his usual useless man-child role AND his gratingly annoying houseguest from hell sister. Awesome.

                Critics said: “More than 24 hours has passed since I watched the new Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill and I am still dead inside.” –Mary F. Polls, Time  

                “Comedy moved on from the mid-1990s, and it's time Sandler did, too. "Jack and Jill" even gives fart jokes a bad name.” –Jake Coyle, Associated Press

                “More bluntly than ever before (and that's saying something), Sandler uses an entire film to let his loyal fans know that he thinks they're all a bunch of stupid *******.” –Jaime N. Christley, Slant Magazine

News: 'Evil Dead' remake, 'Godzilla' sequel + fun with numbers and pirates!

The Chin talks ‘Dead’ remake

nerdreactor.com

                Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Bruce Campbell. Author. Actor. Director. Humanitarian. Cologne pitchman. Conqueror of demons.

                Campbell’s chiseled jawline undoubtedly graces the Mount Rushmore of cheesy cinema. The star of such films as “The Man with the Screaming Brain,” “My Name is Bruce,” “Mindwarp” and of course, the “Evil Dead” trilogy sat down with the TV Guide Channel to talk about his hit show “Burn Notice.”

                However, near the end of the interview, Campbell dispensed a few pearls about the upcoming and highly controversial “Evil Dead” remake.

                Among the highlights: Campbell confirmed there would be no Ash in the new film, because he didn’t want a young actor to face direct comparisons to his old role.

Horror fans, amazingly, can be a cruel and thoughtless breed, after all. My words not his.

Anyway, follow the link below because Bruce is always a delight.  

            Source: Arrow in the Head

See ‘11-11-11’ at 12:01 a.m.!

                That’s right kiddies, director Darren Lynn Bousman’s religious/horror/math flick is opening in select theaters for exclusive midnight shows!

                Personally, I would have gone the extra mile and not opened the movie until precisely 11:11, either a.m. or p.m. I don’t care which, on 11-11-11. But hey, that’s just me. I happen to think if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it right.

                For a complete list of participating theaters, please click right… here.

                Or, if you don’t feel like driving to the closest theater in the middle of the night, you can always check out the pirated working print of the film which leaked online recently.

                Bousman talked with Arrow, of ArrowInTheHead.com, about the leak and confirmed, among other things, the director’s own sister had watched the leaked print. I guess even she wasn’t confident enough in this movie to shell out $12 for it.

                Check out the whole interview here.

                Bousman seems like a standup guy and I wish him all the best. He’s got an OK track record what with some of the “Saw” films and all. This movie just seems too gimmicky for me.

                Source: Arrow in the Head

 

Godzilla scores new writer… again  

         

                Boy, the latest “Godzilla” movie is tearing through writers like a giant mutated, fire-breathing lizard tears through downtown Tokyo.

                Never a good sign. It’s a shame because I love me some Godzilla. Well, not love, but strongly like occasionally.

                So far screenwriters David Callahan (“Doom,” “The Expendables”) and David S. Goyer (“Batman Begins,” “Blade” trilogy) have both tried their hands at bringing the big green guy back to life and both have apparently failed.

                Next up to the plate: Max Borenstein.

                Who is Max Borenstein? Well, his IMDB page is pretty scarce. Seems he wrote, directed and starred in something called “Sword Swallowers and Thin Men,” way back in 2003. Since then, not much.

                So Goyer, the guy with a “Story By” credit on “The Dark Knight,” couldn’t put Godzilla together again, but this Borenstein fellow can? Only time…

                Source: Bad Movie Nite