News: 'Battleship' trailer and Cheese in Theaters

New ‘Battleship’ trailer, even more feh

                A new trailer for “Battleship,” Peter Berg’s upcoming adaptation of the classic board game, hit the web today.

                Gotta say, still don’t care.

                This trailer eases up on the “story” and instead focuses squarely on how much it looks like “Independence Day” with boats. Only terrible. Because I would watch the hell of out “Independence Day 2: Now With Boats.”

                Maybe it’s just me and my masochistic tendencies, or maybe it’s because I’ve been spoiled by “Snakes on a Plane,” but I’m still waiting for that moment where Liam Neeson looks directly into the camera and screams: “You sunk my battleship!”

                Honestly Peter Berg, you’re making a movie based on a BOARD game of all things. It’s not like it has any credibility to begin with. Just go whole hog with it and give the people--- meaning me--- what they (I) want.

                “Battleship” motors into theaters this May. It stars Liam Neeson, the blonde from that recent Adam Sandler movie no one saw and a bunch of people I don’t care about.

                Source: Joblo

Cheese in Theaters

                Finally! Some material! Three movies, two of which I’d heard of before powering up my computer. My god. My cup runneth over! Looks like Christmas may just have come early for this guy.

               

Still haven't gotten used to this.

The Sitter- 21%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: Jonah Hill plays the world’s worst babysitter, who gets hired to babysit the world’s worst kids. Hilarity, hijinx and madcap violence ensue! From David Gordon Green, the director of “Pineapple Express.”

                What critics said: “With his seventh feature film "The Sitter," [Green] appears to have simply given up.” -Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

I Melt With You- 13%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: Four old college friends (Rob Lowe, Jeremy Piven, Thomas Jane and some other guy) reunite to celebrate a birthday, catch up and relive their glory days. Things get out of hand thanks to a stockpile of illegal substances and younger women. Eventually the proceedings take an even darker turn.

                What critics said: “A movie about self-absorbed douchebags that wallows in their douchebaggery.” -Noel Murray, AV Club

            “By the end, you feel nothing, not even contempt.”- Stephen Holden, New York Times

 

And this week’s big winner:

You get what you deserve America, and in this case, you deserve "Whitney."

New Year’s Eve- 5%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: A huge ensemble cast of Hollywood A-Listers (and Seth Meyers) all fall in and out of love and then back into it again in Times Square during the biggest party of the year. Remember “Valentine’s Day?” No, then my god you’re one of the lucky ones. Either way this is that but with a different holiday.

                What critics said: “The only entertaining way to watch New Year's Eve is as a cruel experiment in which performers stranded with absolutely no script support are forced to subsist on pure presence, which quickly becomes a blood sport in which only a few survive.” -Linda Holmes, NPR

“So garish and manipulative that it doesn't really qualify as a film -- it's a product, no more an actual movie than a Hallmark card is a piece of poetry.” -Brian Tallerico, HollywoodChicago.com

“Those who pay for this film should add "don't get suckered into seeing bad movies" to their list of New Year's resolutions.” -Rebecca Murray, About.com

 

“None of the marquee names come off particularly well here, so it's more a matter of figuring out who embarrasses themselves the most.” -Alonso Duralde, The Wrap

 

News: Remakes galore!!

'Evil Dead' gets a date

Wikipedia.org

It’s official: “The Evil Dead” remake really, really is happening because has a release date.

                And by god, once a movie has a release date, there’s just no going back on that. It’s a sacred, unbreakable bond between studios and the movie going public that allows them to exist. Unless you’re Dimension Films, producers of “Piranha 3DD,” in which case anything goes.

                John Q. Public be damned.

                The big day is… here you’d be hearing a drum roll if I had one saved on my computer, I don’t… April 12, 2013.

                I’d be more excited, except for that whole Mayan thing… so… yeah.

                If we’re all still around in 2013, I’ll give this movie a chance. After all, the pedigree is there: original creators Sam Raimi, Rob Tapert and Bruce Campbell are all involved. Every now and again a remake comes along that doesn’t suck. This could be one of them.

                Source: Joblo

cinemablend.com

And then there’s this one

                Do we REALLY need an “American Psycho” remake? Blah.

                The massively controversial film starring Christian Bale, based off the even more controversial book by Brett Easton Ellis is getting a remake of its very own.

                You know how we talked about the pedigree of the “Evil Dead” remake and its legacy being in good hands? Well, I’m not sure the same can be said about “American Psycho.”

                The script is being written by the director of the Academy Award winning film “The Social Network.” Whoops! Make that the second-unit director, Noble Jones. You know, the guy who shoots a bunch of scenery and extras and such?

                Yeah, I’ve got no interest in this. Plus, who’s going to fill Bale’s shoes? The guy’s Batman AND Jesus.

                Source: NY Daily News

News: Finally a 'Stooges' trailer

Ladies and gentlemen, “The Three Stooges” (or as my grandpa called ’em The Stoogees) journey to the big screen is almost complete. A journey so epic, if you listen closely you can almost hear Larry, Moe and Curly telling Frodo to suck it.           

Anyway, the first trailer for the Farrelly Brothers long-gestating big screen adaptation of the beloved TV series and shorts finally debuted. My reaction? Whole lotta meh.

I’m a huge Stooges fan, have been since I was a kid. When I was younger, I used to sneak out of bed and watch them on TV with my grandpa late in to the night. Those were great times. So, I hold the Stooges as sacred.

The trailer isn’t awful, the three leads--- Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos and Will Sasso--- do fine impressions of their characters. The Stooges trademark slapstick is handled well and is on full display. Problem is: I really can’t stand the Farrelly and their not-so-unique brand of irreverent comedy.

I’d like to have seen a more talented director take the reins on this project. Maybe even shoot in black and white for old time’s sake. Instead, the Farrelly’s mentality seeps in and we get nuns in bikinis. I hate you Farrelly’s. For this and for “Shallow Hal.”

You both suck.

Source: Joblo  

News: Jack Bauer and The Rock

free-mobile-wallpapers.com

'24: The Motion Picture' NOT dead?

                That’s right, Jack is back. Again. Umm… yay??

                It looks like terrorist bulldozing super-agent Jack Bauer will finally be making his way from the small screen to the big one.

                Fox and Imagine Entertainment confirmed they were eyeing Spring 2012 to start production on “24.” In the meantime, Mark Bomback, of “Wolverine” fame, is set to work on the script.

                I used to be a huge fan of “24.” I watched the pilot on a whim way back in 2001 and was instantly hooked on the real-time thriller for the next 5 years or so. Then, after I realized the terrorist plot well had run dry, I gave up. The show limped on without me until 2010 when Jack took his final bow.

                Will I see this movie? Meh. God knows. After eight seasons, is there really anything left to threaten Jack with? This is a guy who’s had EIGHT worst days of his life. A man who’s come face-to-face with dozens of atomic weapons. A man who’s spent months wasting away in a Chinese prison camp.  A guy who saw his wife murdered by his most trusted friend and whose daughter was once severely menaced by a cougar. Everyone he’s ever known, loved or Facebook friend-requested is dead.

                What the hell is there left to do? Balls in you court Bomback. Give me a reason.

                Source: Bad Movie Nite    

   

resultsprivatefitness.blogspot.com

Bay + The Rock= Awesome

                It’s a proven formula. Whenever Michael Bay and the rock get together, good, cheesy things happen.

                Bay’s first run-around with the rock was a 1996 thriller starring Sean Connery set on Alcatraz, or as it was affectionately known: The Rock.

                This time, the rock in question is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who while not quite as big as an island is pretty damn close.

                Apparently, Johnson--- or as I like to call him: The People’s Champ--- is in talks to fill one of the leading roles in Bay’s upcoming dark comedy “Pain and Gain.”

                No word yet on whether Rock is looking to play “Pain” or “Gain.” Also no word on whether there even will be characters named Pain and Gain, by but god a man can dream.

                The story follows two bodybuilders who get caught up in a kidnapping scheme gone terribly wrong.

                Word on the streets is that Bay wants Mark Wahlberg as the other lead, though nothing has been confirmed as of yet.

                Bay + The Rock + Marky Mark=????

                I think I just broke math. That equation is just too awesomely bad to quantify.  

                Now if Bay could only shake this pesky “dark comedy” thing and just go whole hog action spectacle, like we all know he wants to. The results would be beautiful.

                Source: Joblo  

Review: The Wicker Man (2006)

Credentials: 15%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.6 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 36 out of 100 (Metacritic.com) / Nomiated for FIVE Razzies at the 2007 Golden Raspberry Awards--- Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Nicolas Cage), Worst Remake or Rip-off, Worst Screenplay, Worst On-Screen Couple (Nic Cage and his bear suit)

Plot: A cop (Nic Cage) travels to a small island to investigate the disappearance of young girl named Rowan (Erika Shaye Gair). Bad times soon follow since the island in question is inhabited by a quasi-pagan, cult-like farming community with a strong love for bees. Oh yeah, just so happens his ex-gal pal, Willow (Kate Beahan), is a member of the cult and it’s her daughter that’s gone missing. Can Nic Cage rescue the kid, defeat the cult and forever win the fair lady’s hand?  Do something nutty with your hair and make sure you lock and load your epipens, boys and girls!     

Why it sucks: Well for starters, “Wicker Man” is a remake of a 70’s cult classic. That alone should send up red flags the size of bed sheets. Sadly for me and luckily for the remake’s cast and crew, I’ve never seen the original so I’m just going to have to judge the remake on its own… umm… merits, if you can call them that.

                Now, Cage is usually a hoot to watch because of the weird ticks, nutty hair and crazed mannerisms he adds to his characters. He does his best in “Wicker Man” to make the cop interesting, but outside of a Chuck-Norris-esque knowledge of Kung Fu, this role is pretty tame for Nic. Even his hair is pretty straightforward, which I have to say, was a major let down for me when I first saw it.
                Instead of bizarre quirks, Cage’s character is kind of a jerk and mostly a pretty horrible cop. He alternates between taking the case way too lightly one minute, to needlessly brow-beating members of the cult in search of answers mere seconds later. It’s confusing and made me slightly dizzy. It also made me not really care about what happened to either the girl or Cage. Always a good idea for a screenwriter to torpedo his/her main source of conflict.

                For that we can blame Neil LaBute, who wrote and directed the movie, which starts off painfully slow. Business doesn’t really pick up until well into the third act when the harvest festival begins and Nic Cage dons a bear costume and starts punching out everything that moves. Good times.

                Before that though, lots of nothing. Somewhere around the third or fourth time Cage tears off his shirt and jumps into a body of water yelling “Rowan!” you’ll realize LaBute has nothing left up his sleeve and is just stalling.

                The inner workings of the cult, their love of bees, none of it is all that interesting or surprising. It’s all a little too “paint-by-numbers-thriller” for this guy. Also, I kind of forgot I was watching a horror movie until the last 5-10 minutes. 

                 There are a few moments of unintentional comedy, thanks to some terrible acting from Mr. Cage ("How'd it get burned???"), his quick fists and that top notch bear costume. Few and far between though.

                --- Cage’s character is deathly allergic to bees and yet still runs right into the middle of a field FULL of massive, bolder-sized bee hives. That, my friends, is called natural selection.

                ---Ellen Burstyn is not only a fantastic actress, but a great sport. She spends most of her screen time spouting nonsense and wearing Mel Gibson in “Braveheart” makeup and yet she still comes out smelling like roses. Amazing.

                ---So, whatever happened to Leelee Sobieski? The crew must have left her on that island “Home Alone” style because that girl was in every third movie not so long ago.

 Worst of the worst: So many to choose from here. I’d have to go with a dramatic chase sequence where Nicholas Cage runs through the woods while wearing big fake bear feet. You see, at one point he puts on a bear costume as a disguise. Apparently he forgot to take the feet off after the ruse had run its course. So, that leaves our hero wearing fuzzy slippers during one of the movie’s most serious moments. Whoops.

   

Video Evidence

WARNING: EXTREMELY spoiler-heavy, but it's got every dumb scene all in one place.

"The Wicker Man" as a comedy. Great spoof trailer, might have actually worked better this way.

                And that’s how the “Wicker Man” crumbles. Bumblebee tuna.

News: Cheese in Theaters

What the heck am I gonna do until February?

                 Sweet merciful crap here we are again. Yet another Friday with yet another blah crop of movies to talk about.

                We could be counting down the days to “Piranha 3DD” hitting the big screen. Instead, we’re stuck with a bunch of nothing limited release movies than no one’s ever heard of or plans to go see. Including the family and friends of those who made them.

                Is that harsh? Seemed harsh. Hmm… I’m concerned the lack cheesy new movies headed to theaters is forcing me into some kind of crazed Donner Party mentality.

                While I don’t think cannibalism is on the horizon (but who knows for sure??), I’m worried I might do something equally rash. Like curling into a ball and playing “The Room” on endless loop until Hollywood dump season, aka January, returns and wraps me in its sweet embrace.  

                Anyway let’s take a look at all the nothing hitting theaters this week:

             

•    Answers to Nothing--- 11%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: A little girl goes missing and group of other lost souls in Los Angeles struggle to find meaning in their lives in this wannabe-“Crash” drama made up of various intersecting storylines. Dane Cook of all people stars. What in the blue hell happened to that guy? Remember when he used to do standup and people loved him for some reason? We’ve come a long way baby.

                Critics said: “Will make you hate words--and these idiots who refuse to stop saying them without actually saying anything at all.” –Matt Pais, RedEye

•     Sleepy Beauty--- 50%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: Emily Browning (of “Sucker Punch” fame) stars as a college girl looking to make a buck as a lingerie waitress, whatever the heck that means. Instead of serving people lingerie or wearing it while serving people or what have you, she ends up in a secret club where guys drug gals and have their way with them while the gals are out cold. So, basically it’s a modern day take on the beloved Disney film. Bring the kids!

                Critics said: “Early on, I was ready to bolt; the question in my mind was "Why am I watching this?" Aside from the fact that I could say that it's my job, I still don't have an answer.” –Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine  

News: Torgo in High Def + another board game movie

Manosinhd.com

Mr. Torgo goes to Blu-Ray

                All little while back, I was able to sit down and review a mostly forgotten (at least by non-MST3K fans) 60’s horror film called “Manos: The Hands of Fate.” Yes, the translated title really is: “Hands: The Hands of Fate.” Only in America!!

                The movie is a technical catastrophe in almost every possible way, but by god is unintentionally entertaining at times.

                The good folks who put the  no-budget mess together really put their hearts and souls into the thing. Even though they lacked money, know-how and--- in many cases--- any discernible talent, they didn’t let that stop them. Think of the cast and crew as the Kardashians of their time, except for that whole money thing. And the “Manos” team did way more with less.

manosinhd.com

                Anyway, the cult classic--- about a family that gets lost in the desert and stumbles upon a strange cult lead by the mysterious Master and his henchman/ arch enemy Torgo--- may just be getting the Blu-Ray treatment.

                Who can we thank for this joyous news? A lucky movie fan who found a  working print buried in a stack of old films. He plans to restore the film and release it once again onto an unsuspecting planet.

                Read his whole story here, complete with pictures. I post lots of links, but this is one I’d urge you to check out. You don’t have to be a fan of “Manos,” or even have seen it to appreciate this story. You just gotta love movies.

                Thanks much to Katie Reing for sending me the link!

                Source: Manos in Hd       

               

wikipedia.org

‘Ouija’ the latest useless 
board game movie

                Now, you and I both know this rarely happens, but I’m not a happy camper.

                I know, I know. It’s shocking. Settle yourselves and I’ll explain why.

                Actually, you may want to brace yourselves and have a barf bag ready and waiting, just in case.

                There’s an Ouija board movie in the works.

                I know! First “Battleship,” now “Ouija” and lest we forget “Clue?” All these board games are making the jump to the big screen and STILL there’s no movement on my “Risk” or “Mouse Trap” ideas.

                In case you’re new, my “Risk” movie is an extremely long, complex and intriguing war picture that just keeps going and going and going until everyone in the audience just gets sick of it and goes home.

                The “Mouse Trap” movie is all set up, with zero action whatsoever until an absolutely riveting 30 second long finale.

                We’re talking box office gold with the both of ’em. Gold I tells ya!

                And instead, courtesy of Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes production house, we’re stuck with “Ouija.” Marti Noxon, best known for her work on the “Buffy” the TV series and the “Fright Night” remake is penning the script.

                Apparently, the movie is going to go for a family adventure type feel. Which is sort of ironic when you consider just how many families have been torn apart by the evil forces contained within the Ouija board itself. Downright tragic really.

                Remember: It’s never too late to jump on the “Risk” or “Mouse Trap” bandwagon.  Operators are standing by, Hollywood studios.

                Source: Bad Movie Nite