News: 'Battleship' smart and complex

This wild and crazy universe of ours is just full of mysteries. What’s the meaning of life? Is there life on other worlds? Why do people keep going to see those Chipmunk movies?

                But moments ago, while reading this week’s Entertainment Weekly, I encountered a mystery so shocking, so mind-bending, I had to discuss it.

                Hell, the fact that I was even reading Entertainment Weekly is a mystery in and of itself. I canceled my subscription months ago and yet each week a new issue finds its way onto my doorstep.

                I know I’m not paying for it and yet, there it is, like clockwork. Sometimes it comes complete with a “we swear this is the last one” letter from the generous folks at EW, but there’s always another issue right behind it.

 I have no idea how that company is making any money, but if you’re still paying for your EW subscription, I urge you to cancel now. You’ll save yourself some cash and still get the magazine. Win-win. Except for EW, that is.

Whilst I was paging through this week’s complimentary copy, I came upon the “Must List,” which contains 10 things you must do, see, read, etc. Guess what was sitting at number one?

“Battleship” with a bullet! Freaking “Battleship!” Against my better judgment, I decided to read the magazine’s explanation why. And I quote: “Director Peter Berg morphs a kid’s board game into an electrifying, surprisingly complex action movie…”

forbes.com

Complex!?! What the what? Later on in the magazine, a reviewer gave “Battleship” a B+ and called it essentially a smarter “Pearl Harbor” with aliens. The reviewer also said the filmmakers deserve a medal. Again: What the what?

I never thought I would live in a world where “Battleship” got a positive review, let alone got called smarter than something or recommended for medals!

Mind-reeling, I headed over to Rottentomatoes.com and saw “Battleship” is currently sitting at 39%, Certified Rotten, so all hope is not lost.

Still, the mystery remains. EW is a (sorta) premiere publication. Could “Battleship” actually be worth our time, America? Could it really be more than “Transformers” + Liam Neeson and water? That’s a heavy question, one I’m certainly not ready to tackle. I’ll let my boy Stephen Hawking handle that one, while I get back to that whole “time travel” thing. I got a theory on that one…

Source: Entertainment Weekly

News: New 'Battleship' poster... meh

There's a new poster for "Battleship" out there and it is not interesting in the slightest bit.

First of all, what's with that tagline? "The battle for Earth begins at sea." LAME! Talk about a missed opportunity. I would have gone with "You sunk my..." then have Battleship in huge letters. That's just me.

Stick of picture of Liam Neeson wrestling an alien wolf or two on there and you've got yourself a poster!

The only thing that caught my eye? The April 2012 release date. So there's still a chance this whole thing is an April Fool's joke? Please god say it is...

Source: Joblo

News: 'Battleship' trailer and Cheese in Theaters

New ‘Battleship’ trailer, even more feh

                A new trailer for “Battleship,” Peter Berg’s upcoming adaptation of the classic board game, hit the web today.

                Gotta say, still don’t care.

                This trailer eases up on the “story” and instead focuses squarely on how much it looks like “Independence Day” with boats. Only terrible. Because I would watch the hell of out “Independence Day 2: Now With Boats.”

                Maybe it’s just me and my masochistic tendencies, or maybe it’s because I’ve been spoiled by “Snakes on a Plane,” but I’m still waiting for that moment where Liam Neeson looks directly into the camera and screams: “You sunk my battleship!”

                Honestly Peter Berg, you’re making a movie based on a BOARD game of all things. It’s not like it has any credibility to begin with. Just go whole hog with it and give the people--- meaning me--- what they (I) want.

                “Battleship” motors into theaters this May. It stars Liam Neeson, the blonde from that recent Adam Sandler movie no one saw and a bunch of people I don’t care about.

                Source: Joblo

Cheese in Theaters

                Finally! Some material! Three movies, two of which I’d heard of before powering up my computer. My god. My cup runneth over! Looks like Christmas may just have come early for this guy.

               

Still haven't gotten used to this.

The Sitter- 21%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: Jonah Hill plays the world’s worst babysitter, who gets hired to babysit the world’s worst kids. Hilarity, hijinx and madcap violence ensue! From David Gordon Green, the director of “Pineapple Express.”

                What critics said: “With his seventh feature film "The Sitter," [Green] appears to have simply given up.” -Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

I Melt With You- 13%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: Four old college friends (Rob Lowe, Jeremy Piven, Thomas Jane and some other guy) reunite to celebrate a birthday, catch up and relive their glory days. Things get out of hand thanks to a stockpile of illegal substances and younger women. Eventually the proceedings take an even darker turn.

                What critics said: “A movie about self-absorbed douchebags that wallows in their douchebaggery.” -Noel Murray, AV Club

            “By the end, you feel nothing, not even contempt.”- Stephen Holden, New York Times

 

And this week’s big winner:

You get what you deserve America, and in this case, you deserve "Whitney."

New Year’s Eve- 5%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)

                What the heck is it: A huge ensemble cast of Hollywood A-Listers (and Seth Meyers) all fall in and out of love and then back into it again in Times Square during the biggest party of the year. Remember “Valentine’s Day?” No, then my god you’re one of the lucky ones. Either way this is that but with a different holiday.

                What critics said: “The only entertaining way to watch New Year's Eve is as a cruel experiment in which performers stranded with absolutely no script support are forced to subsist on pure presence, which quickly becomes a blood sport in which only a few survive.” -Linda Holmes, NPR

“So garish and manipulative that it doesn't really qualify as a film -- it's a product, no more an actual movie than a Hallmark card is a piece of poetry.” -Brian Tallerico, HollywoodChicago.com

“Those who pay for this film should add "don't get suckered into seeing bad movies" to their list of New Year's resolutions.” -Rebecca Murray, About.com

 

“None of the marquee names come off particularly well here, so it's more a matter of figuring out who embarrasses themselves the most.” -Alonso Duralde, The Wrap