Monday, January 30, 2012

Review: Eegah

Credentials: 2.1 out of 10, #57 on the Bottom 100 List (

Plot: Somehow a giant caveman (Richard Kiel) has been living on a mountain directly next to a major highway for hundreds, maybe thousands of years and yet has managed to remain unnoticed. That is until Roxy (Marilyn Manning)--- a floozy with a love for needlessly short skirts and horrible taste in men--- nearly kills him with her car. Soon her idiot dad (Arch Hall, Sr.) dons a safari hat and heads off road for two days to gather info on the caveman with the hopes of writing a book. Two days. Glad to see he was being thorough. Anyway, the dad naturally ends up hopelessly lost and is soon captured by the caveman. So, it’s up to the girl and her utterly useless, pig-faced boyfriend (Arch Hall, Jr.) to save the day. Who’s ready for some horribly uncomfortable attempted rape and even more uncomfortable dialogue?      

Why it stinks: I think the fact that it has a nonsense word for a title is a pretty good indication of the level of Quality you’re getting from “Eegah.”
                Now, you may have noticed something odd in the plot description. I mean, odder than usual. Did you catch the fact that Arch Hall Sr. plays Roxy’s dad? Or how about the fact that his son, Arch Hall Jr. plays Roxy’s boyfriend? That’s right, Hall, Sr. who also directed and co-wrote the film, cast his real life son to play his pretend daughter’s boyfriend. That’s weird.

                Hall, Sr. was a big fan of his son, which makes him a great dad, but a terrible judge of talent. He fills the movie with lots of loving close-ups of his bizarre-looking offspring. Not only can’t the younger Hall (or the older one for that matter) act, but he can’t sing either. Well, no one told his dad, because “Eegah” features THREE full-length Buddy Holly-wannabe musical numbers. THREE! I assure you, each is more agonizing than the last.
                The dialogue, the interaction between the characters, it’s all painfully awkward, especially the father/daughter scenes (See: Worst of the worst). It’s almost as if Hall, Sr. is an alien who had NO Clue how people interact with each other when he made the movie.
                And what about this stupid caveman, whose name is Eegah, by the way, hence the title. Well, his origins are suspect. Rather than justify his youthful appearance and the fact that he’s alive while all of his kinfolk are long since dead, the movie dances around the topic by saying “oh there’s something in the water.” WHAT? Why didn’t he tell any of the other giant cavemen that?
                At a certain point, the caveman decides he wants to have his way with Roxy. Yeah, it gets strange. Lots of endless shots of groping follow that will have you shouting “CUT AWAY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CUT AWAY!” at your TV. Scenes like those are why shots of clouds or empty desert were invented.
Despite the fact--- or maybe because of it--- that the caveman has no dialogue, he is easily the best actor in the movie.
“Eegah” also features horribly dubbed audio, bad cuts and all the other production goofs that are associated with low-budget, low-talent films.

Worst of the Worst

For no reason whatsoever, Roxy decides to give her dad a shave. So, she covers his face in a metric ton of foam and has at it. Somehow, this sequence manages to be almost as hyper-sexualized as the attempted caveman rape scenes. Almost. This is not how fathers and daughters are supposed to act!!! Oh, yeah and then later she shaves the caveman too. It’s even more uncomfortable, especially when he starts licking the shaving cream. Eww.

Video evidence
 Who said that?
Behold the musical talent of Arch Hall, Jr.
And more!
Caveman shaving... ewww.

There’s “Eegah.” Bumblebee tuna.

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