Monday, September 26, 2011

Alone in the Dark

Credentials: 1% Certified Rotten ( / Named the 15th Worst Reviewed Movie of the 2000s ( / 2.3 out of 10 ( / #80 on the Bottom 100 List ( / 9 out of 100 ( / Nominated for 2 Golden Raspberry Awards (Worst Director- Uwe Boll and Worst Actress- Tara Reid), won 0
Plot: Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a paranormal investigator hot on the trail of an ancient, demon-worshipping civilization which rumor has it is trying to take over the world. At their disposal is an army of possessed zombie-type things and some mostly invisible monsters with big, scorpion tails. Luckily for humanity Carnby isn’t alone in his quest to save the world. Standing by his side is the greatest archaeologist the world has ever seen... Indiana… oh wait what? It’s Tara Reid? Are you serious? Jesus Christ we’re screwed. All hail our ancient, demon-worshipping overlords! Hail!
Thoughts: “Alone in the Dark” has very little going for it.
For starters, it’s very, VERY loosely based on a videogame franchise. At last count there has been exactly ONE successful videogame-to-movie transition and that was “Resident Evil.” And heck, only the first “Resident Evil” movie was any good, the other three have been “Cheese List” material.
Then there’s the fact that Tara Reid plays a scientist, which is automatically the least believable thing in the movie. It doesn’t matter what else goes down (pigs flyin’, Johnny Depp made up to look unattractive), Tara Reid as a brainy, science type just requires too much suspension of disbelief for this guy.
But really, the biggest problems with “Alone in the Dark” all started behind the camera.
Ladies and gentlemen, Uwe Boll, or as some call him: Germany’s answer to Ed Wood. I don’t believe that comparison for a second, however. Ed Wood made entertainingly bad movies. Boll makes unwatchable garbage.
Once again, he’s crafted a movie so joyless and uninteresting that it’s not even fun to laugh at.
Boll is notorious for making movies on the cheap and with huge stars like Tara Reid and Christian Slater on the bill, it seems like his effects budget got slashed all to hell. So, he overcompensates by making his movie really dark. And not in the Edgar Allen Poe sense either. It’s dark in the: “I can’t tell what’s going on” sense.
Whenever you do happen to catch a glimpse of the monsters, it’s not impressive.
For an action movie, “Alone in the Dark” is pretty light on the action. There are a handful of horribly clich├ęd fight scenes, but again, they’re so dark you’re basically just listening to the bullets fly.
Usually with movies like “Alone in the Dark,” I do a lot of complaining about how there’s no story or nothing happens. That is NOT the case here.
 “Alone in the Dark” has enough story to cover three or four movies. Not good movies, mind you, but movies nonetheless.
The script by Elan Mastai and Boll veterans Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer has a crap ton going on. I mean how many movies can features zombies, monsters, possession and a demon-worshipping cult?
It’s a lot to keep track of. Fortunately, the movie opens with a laughably long scroll to help to explain it all. It’s basically a term paper. The thing is so long that it’s like someone took the opening scrolls from all six “Star Wars” movies and played them one after another.
And then there’s our leading man Edward Carnby (Slater). He wears a trench coat, has some shady government connections and a very serious demeanor. Problem is, he’s not very likable and no one really believes he knows what he’s doing or talking about at any given second. Basically, if Fox Mulder and Zack Baggins had a baby, that baby would grow up to be Edward Carnby.
:02- An Uwe Boll Film? Typo in the credits, off to a great start
:18- What? 18 minutes?? It feels like an hour at least! Did this timer stop working or what?
:33- I can honestly say that I have NO CLUE what is going on
:52- Big guns and mindless heavy metal music? What a unique idea!
1:12- “Bureau 713” isn’t quite as catchy as, you know, “the X-Files”
Video Evidence
Horrible acted, overwritten and poorly directed: Uwe Boll’s “Alone in the Dark.” Now don’t tell him I said any of this though, or he might try to box me. Because that’s how adults act.
Bumblebee tuna.

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