Review: Werewolf (1996)

Credentials: 1.7 out of 10 (Imdb.com)

Plot: A team of archaeologists--- each with an accent more outrageous than the last--- uncover a werewolf skeleton in the Arizona desert. Yuri (Jorge Rivero), the leader of this poor man’s UN of idiots, quickly becomes obsessed with the power of the skeleton and stars using it to turn random people into werewolves. Eventually, a guy named Paul (Frederico Cavalli) shows up for some reason. He doesn’t seem to have any connection to the archeologists, but he starts hanging around them and could be their only hope for… something. The movie never says what. Anyway, Paul takes a liking to Natalie (Adrianna Miles), a smoking hot blonde and seriously dimwitted member of the team. This angers Yuri and soon all hell breaks loose. Oh yeah, and at a certain point a werewolf drives a car in full wolf form! Bucket list item checked off!   

What it stinks: “Werewolf” is so bad it’s hilariously good.

                The horrible acting, the inexplicable accents, the shear and utter disregard for any semblance of continuity from scene to scene. It’s almost as if the filmmakers were trying to make an awesomely bad movie. Almost. I refuse to give the creative team behind “Werewolf” that much--- really, any--- credit whatsoever.

                The acting, good lord. With her indeterminable accent Adrianna Miles is essentially a busty, blonde Tommy Wiseau. Except Wiseau is much more expressive. Miles just sort of stands there, and occasionally words slip out of her. No conviction, no emotion. Just blah.

                Blah also describes her chemistry with Cavalli. Two trees growing next to each other in a forest have more passion than these guys.

                And then we have Jorge Rivero. He’s nothing special, although compared to Miles, he might as well be Johnny Depp.

                The really interesting thing about Rivero is his hair. It changes almost from scene to scene. Sometimes it’s brown, other times it’s gray. The style is constantly in flux. It’s bizarre. It’s almost like his scenes in “Werewolf” were filmed out of order over the course of 20 years.

                The movie’s continuity problems don’t end on top of Rivero’s head. The film’s werewolves look different every time you see them. Sometimes they’re people with bits of hair spirit gummed to their faces. Other times, the werewolves are portrayed by a guy in a bear costume. Whatever effect is used, you can rest assured knowing it’s crappy-looking.

                “Werewolf” is also jam-packed with Grand Canyon-sized gaps in logic. Take for example the fact that full moons seem to occur every single night in Arizona. At least they do according to “Werewolf.” Wasn’t there anyone on set who completed an elementary level science course? Anyone?           

                Also, you know, it would have been nice if the movie had bothered to explain just who Paul is and why he’s important to the archaeologists. Instead, he shows up halfway through the movie and suddenly becomes the leading man/alleged hero.

                Worst of the worst

                The goofiest, most ridiculous scene in “Werewolf” is without a doubt the werewolf driving sequence. Yuri hops in a car and chases a newly turned werewolf back and forth passed the same gas station for about five minutes. Of course, we weren’t supposed to notice they were driving in circles, but that’s one of those small details that slip through the cracks when you’re a horrible filmmaker. Plus, the sight of a guy in full wolf makeup steering a car is sidesplitting.

 

                 Video evidence

               There you have it, “Werewolf” (1996). Bumblebee tuna.