Credentials: 21%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) /
5.5 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 31 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)
Plot: After hitting all of the usual touristy stuff, a group
of twenty-somethings elect to take their European vacation to the “X-treme.” So
they hire, Yuri, (Dimitri Diatchenko) Russian’s worst living special forces
operative, to take them on a tour of Pripyat, the ghost town that once housed
the employees of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. You know, before they were
forced to evacuate after that whole “nuclear meltdown” thing. The city is
surrounded by armed guards, but our heroes sneak in through its unguarded back
door and spend a fun-filled day looking at empty buildings and not being
impressed by the corpses of irradiated mutant animals. As per horror tradition, when it’s time to
leave, the car won’t start. Also as per horror tradition, it seems the city
isn’t as abandoned as everyone thought.
Why it stinks: “Chernobyl Diaries” stinks because two of its
three writers are dimwits, its actors are unable to act and its rookie director (Brad Parker)
is a noted visual effects wiz--- completely out of his element directing a
movie with scant few visual effects worth mentioning.
Let’s
start with the hacky writers. Shane (“Titanic II”) and Carey Van Dyke (“The Day
the Earth Stopped”) teamed with found footage maestro Oren Peli to craft this
mess. (P.S.: It’s shot with a handheld camera, but this ain’t no found footage
movie, making the word “diary” in the title very unnecessary) Peli gets a pass
because he’s human and we all make mistakes. His was working with the Van Dyke
siblings.
The
trio’s script by is rambling and moronic. I hate to admit it, but you know that
dickhead in the theater laughing during the serious parts of the movie? I was
that dickhead. I’m sorry but if I heard one more character call the name of
another character who was clearly dead, I would’ve wet my pants.
I think it’s safe to say that at no
point during the movie’s 90 some odd minute run time does a character make a
single, logical, well-reasoned decision.
Even
after things start to hit the fan and a few characters are killed/injured, none
of the tourists seem to be in much of a hurry to get out of Pripyat. They stand
around talking and bickering, playing with walkie talkies, but there’s no
giddy-up.
But
it’s Uri, their tour guide, who really steals the show.
Keep in
mind he has special forces training. YET, he doesn’t tell a soul he’s taking
these kids on this tour and has NO back-up plan whatsoever in case something
goes wrong. He ignores countless warnings that something bad is going down in
Pripyat. Then, he decides to wander off alone at night to investigate a
mysterious noise and just starts firing his gun wildly in all directions at the
first sign of trouble. Apparently it’s super easy to become special forces in
Russia.
On the acting side of the ball, Dimitri
Diatchenko is at least fun to watch as Yuri. He turns the character into a
giant, charming Russian bear of a man, who may have been conked on the head a
few times too many.
Jesse
“Beautiful Soul” McCartney (nice guy brother Chris) clearly wants to be
Leonardo DiCaprio, but doesn’t have anything close to the chops. He ends up
coming across as a huge whinny poseur.
Jonathan
Sadowski (douche bag brother Paul) is a horrible, horrible actor. The scariest
part about “The Chernobyl Diaries” is that Sadowski was actually hired. Somehow
this man was the best actor to audition for the part of Paul. My brain can’t
process that.
Olivia
Dudley (Natalie) can’t act either, but she does bring two things to the
movie--- giant boobies. This girl is so bosomy it’s actually distracting. There
were several scenes with Dudley in them where I can safely say I didn’t hear a
word any of the characters where saying. She spends so much of the movie with
her chest stuck out that I actually started to feel bad for her. That kind of
posture can’t be good for your back. Get a chiropractor girl!
Because
it’s just so incredibly stupid, “Chernobyl Diaries” ends up also being freaking
hysterical. This is the kind of movie that you make fun of with your buddies “MST3K”
style when it comes on cable late at night. None of the laughs are intentional,
but hell, at least it’s good for something.
Worst
of the Worst
If I had
to pick, I’d say any part of the movie that wasn’t Yuri doing something
incredibly, gut-bustingly stupid or the haunting landscape shots. Also, anytime
Sadowski opened his trap. “CHRIS? CHRIS!”
There
she blows, “The Chernobyl Diaries.” Bumblebee tuna Van Dykes.
