Wednesday, May 16, 2012

News: Betrayed by 'Chernobyl'

                I know I put on a hard, utterly badass, tough-as-nails-mixed-with-Chuck-Norris-blood front, but I assure you that beneath my crunchy exterior is a soft, nougaty center.
                I feel pain, just like all of the rest of you mortals. Pain, sadness, despair.
                And I felt all of the above when I uncovered this news the other day.
                Well, that’s not totally accurate. It’s not really news. More like months old information that could have easily been uncovered with even a passing search of Imdb. But it was news to me, at the time. And mayhap it’ll be news to you too.
                I’m sure you’ve seen the TV commercials and trailers for the upcoming film, “The Chernobyl Diaries.” In the film, a group of dumb Americans take a tour of the irradiated site of the worst nuclear accident the world has ever known.
                Of course, they decide to film their adventures, and things quickly take a turn for the worst when bad stuff starts going down. Are we talking mutant creatures twisted by years of living in the fallout of Chernobyl? Or is the radiation driving the Americans nuts, as hinted in more recent trailers?
                Who knows, but I was giddy with excitement about finding out the source of their torment. Let’s sit back and watch us a trailer shall we? For old time’s sake.
                So good.
                Then I stumbled upon this bit of info:
                                The Chernobyl Diaries
                                Co-written by: Shane Van Dyke and Carey Van Dyke
                   YES! THE Shane Van Dyke behind “Titanic II,” which currently sits atop this very Cheese List! This bumbling, douchy, hacky oaf co-wrote the Chernobyl Movie! And his brother helped! And Carey’s never written anything before, compared to Shane, who’s never written anything of substance or value.
                My head was spinning. I briefly passed out on my computer keyboard. When I came to an even greater horror awaited me: Starring: Jesse McCartney.
                YES! This Jesse McCartney.

                I felt dirty, betrayed, lied to, used. This movie had sold itself to me using the good name of Oren Peli (“Paranormal Activity”), but lurking just beneath his producer/co-writer credits was a bubbling ooze of untalented douchiness.
Ugh... not this guy again. I still respect the man's travel arrangements.

                One thing’s for sure: I’m not a man who backs down from challenges. I once met my arch nemesis Alexandre Aja head on in a local movie theater. You know, not in person or anything, but I sat there and watched “Piranha 3D,” and much to my surprise and chagrin: I was entertained.     
                And so it is in that same spirit of bull-headed competition that I now announce, I WILL see “Chernobyl Diaries” … in theaters! I will confront the worst the Van Dyke brothers and Jesse McCartney can conjure.
                I will give it a fair and balanced viewing. Real fair and balanced too, not the Fox News pretend kind.
                If it is good, so be it. I’ll admit it in this very space and tip my cap to the Van Dykes and their former pop idol star.
                But if it is as bad as I now expect it to be, I will lay waste to it with the blinding, white hot fury of a thousand angry suns.
                The gauntlet, Shane, Carey and Jesse, has been thrown down. Entertain me! Entertain me!
                Source: There’s no source for this kind of crazed gibberish. Look at IMDB for full cast and crew details.  

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