Sunday, March 13, 2011


     2.7 out of 10 ( 4% certified Rotten ( 18 out of 100 ( Nominated for 5 Razzies at the 2007 Golden Raspberry Awards including Worst Picture. Won nothing.
     Rayne is a half human, half vampire who doesn’t like vampires because they killed her mom. She embarks on an epic quest to rid the world of blood suckers once and for all. Then Stephen Dorff shows up and Rayne gets sent to prison for tax evasion. Oh wait. I’m thinking of “Blade.” Hmm. Basically “BloodRayne” is exactly like “Blade.” If “Blade” were set in medieval times and made by a guy wearing a blindfold, ear plugs and hopped up on a case of Mountain Dew.

      I was a big fan of the “BloodRayne” videogame game way back in 2002. From what I recall, the game involved killing Nazis, vampires and mutants in clever and gory ways. Rayne’s backstory, as I pointed out above, isn’t all that original or interesting, but the WWII setting and the supernatural Nazi story line were all kinds of fun. And the gameplay was top notch.
             When I heard that a movie was coming out based on the game, I was skeptical. There have been few successful transitions from the game console to the big screen. When I heard Uwe Boll was going to direct, my skepticism turned into outright nausea.
              Boll has been dubbed the modern day Ed Wood due to his string of low budget, horribly bad horror movies. This comparison, while amusing, isn’t exactly accurate. See, Wood’s movies, for all their gapping flaws, are fun. There’s a delirious energy coursing through disasterpieces like “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”
No such energy exists in Boll’s movies. There’s no joy to be found anywhere in the sullen “BloodRayne,” which for some reason is set in the days of knights instead of Nazis.
              Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, the T-X from “Terminator 3,” the singer Meat Loaf. How can you make a cast like that look bad? Boll finds a way. Except for Meat Loaf. He comes out fine.  
              The worst of the worst in terms of acting is perpetrated by Michelle Rodriguez. She doesn’t quite pull off the old English accent. She ends up carefully and slowly pronouncing each and every syllable of every word as if she’d never used them before. 
              Tired action scenes, cheap special effects, MTV style editing. An abundance of confusing sexuality. The “BloodRayne” characters make the “Jersey Shore” kids look like nuns.
The movie runs a scant 90 minutes, but it feels longer. Much longer.       
The end makes no sense and for some reason Boll decides to include a recap of the film’s events in case you’d forgotten. Or wanted to see them again. I can assure you there’s almost no way it’s the latter.
Why yes ladies, I was in "Titanic." What? No, I don't bloody well know where Leo is!
It seems like no matter who is ruling the planet (people, zombies, vampires, apes, ect.) horses always end up doing all the dirty work. Where's the movie with the horses running the show?
You ever notice how sword fighting in movies looks so natural? Yeah, not so much here.

Who the heck taught Michael Madsen how to hold a sword?
Well, this movie isn't going anywhere. Let's play another round of "Who Does This Guy Look Like?"
Is it me or does Michelle Rodirguez's costume no longer seem to fit the time period?
Don't worry TV's MacGuyver will save the day!
NHL analyst Brian Engblom!
Ladies and gentlemen, the star of "American Pie," Sean William Scott!
BloodRayne went on to have a successful career in the "Got Blood?" advertising campaign.

And now a special guest appearance by NFL superstar Tom Brady!

                So there you go. “BloodRayne,” the first of what I can only assume will a long list of Uwe Boll films to make the cut. Germany’s Ed Wood? Maybe one day, if he buckles down and tries really, really hard. Over 50 years later, we’re still watching, laughing with--- and at--- Wood’s movies. Boll can only hope to be so lucky.
                Bumblebee tuna.

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