Breaking News: Cage NOT a vampire
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story and I need everyone to stop what you’re doing and listen…
Nicholas Cage is NOT a vampire.
That’s all. Carry on with your lives.
Apparently, the “Ghost Rider” star went on Letterman last night to put aside any rumors that he may in fact be a centuries-old, blood-sucking, undead, creature of the night.
Oh and also to promote his new movie, “Ghost Rider: Sprit of Vengeance,” in theaters Feb. 17, 2012!
Apparently, someone found a picture of a guy from 1870’s Tennessee that looks exactly like Cage. This started the rumor mill a-churning that Cage was not of the living.
And because Nic Cage is a favorite of ours here at The Cheese List, this is news.
So, what do you think America? Should we all start stringing garlic in our local movie theaters to keep Cage away? Or is this just one of those coincidence things I’ve been hearing so much about?
You be the judge!
Cheese in theaters
Sweet merciful lord there’s a lot of crap coming out this weekend. I mean my god, Hollywood just went all Dave Matthews Band on this weekend. Well, let me put on my rubber gloves and sift through all this waste.
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace- 58%, Certified Rotten
What the heck is it: You remember that movie you hated 13 years ago? Well, it’s back, only this time it’s in 3-D so there’s a whole new dimension to nauseate movie goers. You win George Lucas. The planet is officially sick of “Star Wars.” Good job.
The Vow- 28%, Certified Rotten
What the heck is it: The latest romance flick where Rachel McAdams has to be reminded of stuff. Fans of “The Notebook,” here’s that long-awaited quasi-sequel you haven’t been clamoring for. Oh and this time, it’s Channing Tatum doing the reminding, not Ryan Gosling. Tatum’s good at that kind of stuff though. He’s had a lot of practice reminding people he’s not Josh Hartnett. Of course, seeing as though I’ve never seen the two of them in the same room… just saying…
Safe House- 53%, Certified Rotten
What the heck is it: Denzel Washington plays a bad dude and Ryan Reynolds is a rookie cop out to get him or something. Really, I only have one question: How snarky is Ryan Reynolds in this movie? Because usually, the snarkier he is, the better the movie is, outside of “Buried.” That was a sensational movie without even a drop of snark. Hey, let’s all go watch “Buried.”
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island- 43%, Certified Rotten
What the heck is it: Ummm...
Bout sums it up.