Hercules in New York

Credentials: 2.8 out of 10 (imdb.com) / 20% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)

Plot: Hercules (Arnold Schwarzenegger) gets bored with his humdrum existence among the gods on Mount Olympus and decides to head to Earth to begin a career as a professional wrassler and bodybuilder. Zeus (SNL’s goatboy) is none too pleased with this turn of events and schemes to get Herc back where he belongs. While on Earth, Herc embarrasses a bunch of college kids, befriends a dorky tiny guy (not Danny Devito) and beats up a bear with his bare hands--- get it?

Thoughts: Ladies, if you’re tired of men objectifying you, “Hercules in New York” is your revenge. 
            As much as female types get objectified on the big screen, I guarantee you no one has ever been treated more like a piece of meat than Arnie in this movie.

“Hercules in New York” isn’t really a movie, but rather a random collection of scenes, most of which culminate in Arnie taking off his shirt for some reason.

Occasionally he’ll just announce out of the blue: “I’m taking a shower” and poof! Off goes the shirt. Throwing a javelin? Can’t have that shirt getting in the way. Looking at a movie poster? All that reading must have made him sweaty because guess where that shirt went? If you answered on his body, you were wrong. The correct answer was on the ground.

                Not enough objectification for you?

                How about the fact that Arnie’s voice was dubbed over? That’s right! His trademarked delightful Austrian accent is nowhere to be found. Instead we get some unimpressive, unoriginal schmuck blandly delivering all the lines.

                Basically, Arnie was told to stand there, move his mouth and look pretty. Even McConaughey gets to read his own lines for Zeus’ sake!

                I can’t help but wonder how much better the movie would have been with Arnie’s actual voice in it. Because as it stands, “Hercules in New York” is a decidedly unfunny, cheap and illogical comedy.

                Ironically, the Hercules character type, a muscle-bound fish-out-of-water, is one that Arnie would later ride to dizzying success in “Kindergarten Cop,” among other comedy classics.  

                The movie defies logic, haphazardly blending Ancient Greek and Roman mythologies with a dash of Old Testament thrown in there at the end.

                As for being cheap, look no further than the Hercules vs. bear matchup for proof of that. It’s clearly a guy in a costume, so much so at one point the bear appears to be wearing sneakers. The costume didn’t come with feet? You couldn’t have told the guy to wear brown shoes at least?

                Like I said earlier, the story is driven mostly by the need to get Arnie topless. Except, during the climactic weight lifting scene. He can’t walk down the street without stripping, but he keeps everything on when he’s deadlifting 1000 lbs? What gives?

                The rest of the movie follows Zeus and his wife plotting uninteresting revenge schemes and Arnie seducing a gal by the name of… wait for it… Helen! I know! Hi-larious!

Herc’s mortal pal Pretzie (named after his occupation: pretzel seller and played by Arnold Stang) with his nasally, New York accent, humongous classes and slight stature, is the typical Schwarzenegger foil. The two actual have a mildly endearing quasi-chemistry and they earn the occasional chuckle or two. But not many.                  

Breakdown

:04

Wow. Zeus' lightning bolts are... unimpressive.

:06

I

I can see  lighting rigs in that crystal ball! I wonder what that means?

:19

"Twins" sequel? Err... prequel?

:22

Now that's better. Just can't throw a javelin with all that fabric in the way.

:30

What did the bear do? Pick the lock?

:33

No, don't look at my feet, eyes up here thank you.

:39

Speaking of "Twins," it's Zeus and Goat Boy! Guess which is which!

:42-

So many words on poster... so sweaty... must take off shirt...

So there it is: “Hercules in New York.”

I’ve heard rumors you can actually track down copies of this movie with Arnold’s original dialogue track. If you’re that desperate to watch it, go with that version. At least you can get some laughs as the 22-year-old one day Governator badly mispronounces words.

They don't just give away that Mr. Universe title...

Bumblebee tuna.