Review: Meet the Spartans

Credentials: 2%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 2.6 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 9 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: The hyper-stylized, sepia-toned retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae… retold by two hacky dingbats.

Why it stinks: I’m not one to brag, but in case you weren’t counting, I’ve now sat through three alleged spoof movies from the minds of Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer in the last year. Three. To some of you out there, all that makes me is a guy with far, far too much time on his hands. But to a much larger and more interesting group, that fact makes me a hero. Like Marie Curie zapping herself with endless amounts of radiation just to see what it does. That’s me, bubba. Zapping myself with Friedberg/Seltzer “jokes” and gauging my reactions for the good of all mankind. I can only imagine the grim fate that awaits me when my body and mind inevitably rebel against me for the torture I’ve subjected them to.

                Anyway, I’ve sat through a few of these things so I feel confident in saying that “Meet the Spartans” is the laziest thing Friedberg/Seltzer have thus far scrawled their names on.

                Let’s clear the air right from the start: If you’ve seen “300” then you’ve seen “Meet the Spartans.” Friedberg/Seltzer lift very nearly the entire freaking plot of “300” for their movie. And if you’re a connoisseur of their “work,” you know these guys usually just steal jokes, so this taking a whole plot thing is at least breaking new ground.

                Hell, at least we get some good pop culture gags and celebrity cameos to help us along on our journey through a plot most of us found dull and predictable when we first saw it under the title of “300.” Right? Don’t hold your breath, chickadees.

                Mostly what we get are references to game shows and several full length remakes of actual commercials. Apparently Friedberg/Seltzer weren’t making enough money hawking their wares to America’s dumbest, most easily manipulated and most free-spending age group (teenagers). Curses, someone must have taught Friedberg/Seltzer the meaning of the phrase “product placement.”    

                How else can you explain why the Spartans all start chugging Gatoraid in slow mo after a battle? There’s no joke. It’s just sweaty people drinking Gatoraid. In slow mo. It’s just a commercial. And it’s not just sports drinks, we also get commercials for Dentyne Ice gum, Budweiser and Hooters.  

Also, Friedberg/Seltzer seem hell bent on referencing every reality/game show currently on the air when they shot the movie. “America’s Next Top Model,” “American Idol,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Deal or No Deal.” All mentioned. Not a single joke as far as the eye can see.

                One last thing before we get to the Quick Thoughts. While Friedberg/Seltzer are learning about new things like product placement, how’s about someone teach them the meaning of the word “subtlety?” I mean my God. We get it. You two geniuses---along with everyone else on the planet--- noticed that the over-the-top masculinity in “300” was sorta kinda homoerotic.  

                But that doesn’t mean you need to have the Spartan men in your movie greet each other with passionate tongue kisses (the women are greeted with high fives) and skip hand in hand down the street with each other while singing “I Will Survive.”

                 That doesn’t even count as “spoofing” anymore. It’s more like beating a dead horse with another dead horse--- while a third and very, very ill horse watches in horror.

                Quick Thoughts 

                --- 2 minutes in, one vomit joke down. Good to get that first one out of the way.

                --- 5 minutes in, first diarrhea joke out of the way. Boy, I was starting to sweat bullets waiting for this one. Making your captive audience wait five whole minutes, Friedberg/Seltzer!?! You monsters!

                --- I’m beginning to think the only reason Friedberg/Seltzer keep making these movies is to keep Carmen Electra employed. Like some sort of horribly unfunny, untalented employment fairies.

                --- The one good thing about these movies? Being reminded of what TMZ was talking about at the time they came out. In this case: Britney Spear’s meltdown and Paris Hilton. One second thought, make that “Another reason these movies suck?”

                --- Do we need a four minute dance sequence? In a comedy movie? Really?!? It’s not even funny dancing, just regular ol’ dancing.

                --- Rest easy, America.  We can celebrate the one hour mark of this nightmare with our first CAT POOP JOKE (Oprah shouting)!

---  Poor Kevin Sorbo… poor Kevin Sorbo

There it goes, “Meet the Spartans,” bumblebee tuna.

Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Credentials: 4.6 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 50%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 33 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: While road-tripping through Germany, best pals Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) meet a cute waiter who invites them to meet up with him for drinks at an ultra-hip club. The pair accept, get all dolled up, then immediately get lost on route. Rather then turning around or asking for directions, the girls keep driving until they somehow wind up in the middle of the freaking woods and their car breaks down. After walking around for a bit, they stumble upon the home of Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), an expert in the field of separating conjoined twins. Heiter isn’t big on the club scene, but he is VERY into roofy-ing gals, being crazy and doing the exact opposite of his job description. When the ladies wake up, Heiter unveils his master plan: stitch them together mouth-to-butt--- along with a totally random third person--- and create a “human centipede!”

Why it stinks: “Human Centipede” is one of those movies--- like the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”--- that has a reputation for being horribly graphic, gory and violent, but in reality isn’t.

Outside of the occasional quick surgery scene, there isn’t a ton of blood and guts in “Centipede.” Very nearly all of its gross-out moments are implied. That leaves the most disgusting part of “Centipede” as the idea behind it.

Seriously, I’m calling WTF on director/writer/producer Tom Six. What kind of idea is attaching people mouth-to-butt? Six better be on some government watch lists for that.

The idea behind the movie is so repulsive, it doesn’t matter most of the movie’s gross parts are left the imagination. They’re still awful to think about. Like what happens when the person at the front of the centipede needs to go number two. We don’t see anything, but you can’t scrub that kind of ickyness out of your brain. And now I pass that gift on to you. Welcome.

I don’t understand what pleasure or enjoyment a person could get from this. There’s not enough gore for a gorehound, it’s not suspenseful enough for thriller fans, it’s not funny or creepy. Nothing. It’s just a 90 minute long movie with a sick premise and nothing else going on.

Six could have covered the same ground in about a five page short story or a single Youtube video.

Instead he went the full-length feature route and as a result his movie is padded within an inch of its life.

Characters do insane things like escape from the doctor, only to return and try to drag their unconscious friend across the man’s front lawn and back into the same woods the pair couldn’t navigate when they were both lucid. Spoiler alert, the plan doesn’t work.

The movie is full of equally dumb escape attempts. At one point the centipede tries to sneak past the doctor while he goes for a swim. You’re three people attached mouth-to-butt you really think he’s so wrapped up in doing laps he won’t notice you? He ain’t no Michael Phelps!

Worse still, Six dilly-dallys along, wasting everyone’s time, until about 40 minutes in before he finally gets around to the actual centipede action.

I use the term action there loosely because there isn’t any action to speak of. Unless you call the aforementioned poop gag action. Oh and the doctor also tries to train his creation to fetch a newspaper. It’s like Animal Planet after dark, I guess.

Eventually some cops materialize out of the blue, but by then it doesn’t matter. The story had long since packed its bags and headed out for some of that fine German beer.

Quick Thoughts

• I don’t know what this says about me, but I found both of our “Jersey Shore”-wannabe leading ladies infinitely more tolerable when they were part of the centipede.
• Is that one gal really wandering in the woods in the rain with giant hooker heels on? No wonder she wasn't picked to be the head.
• To paraphrase the great Jeff Goldblum: "Excuse me uh, you do plan on having human centipedes in your uh human centipede movie, right? Hello?"
• Dieter Laser has a great name and looks like a German Christopher Walken. So it’s not a total loss.
• Spoiler Alert:  So after spending the entire movie brazenly thumbing his nose at the doc, the male member of the centipede randomly gives up right before the credits roll? Really? Garbage. That's garbage writing Six and you know it. 

Worst of the Worst

                Probably the scene where the doctor tricks the girls into thinking he called the car rental agency to get their car fixed. Seems like a reasonable scene except for the part where they never gave him a number to call. What, did he just know that random number off the top of his head? I find it easier to believe three people can live for an indeterminate number of days while attached face-to-pooper.

Pretty sure this is going on Six's tombstone

                So there you go, “The Human Centipede (First Sequence).” Am I man enough to one day endure Tom Six’s sequel “Full Sequence” where he goes apepoop crazy and lovingly embraces the gore and ick he mostly shunned in this film? Only time…

                Bumblebee tuna.  

Review: The Fantastic Four (1994)

Credentials: 20%, Certified rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 3.9 out of 10 (Imdb.com)

Plot: It all starts with two allegedly college-aged scientist types doing a little experiment into some sort of cosmic energy event thing. Naturally, the experiment goes horribly wrong and one of the not-so young youths winds up dead. A few years and a whole bunch of gray hair later, the surviving scientist, Dr. Reed Richards (Alex Hyde-White), decides to take a second crack at the experiment that killed his friend. So he recruits three new friends to help him out. Naturally, the experiment goes horribly wrong again--- is he a worse scientist or friend, I can’t decide--- only this time no one ends up dead. Instead, Richards and his three pals all end up with superhuman powers. On top of that, turns out the first experiment may not have been as lethal as once thought, and Richards’ old friend, Victor Von Doom (Joseph Culp), is alive and annoyed. With a name like that, who could blame him?

Why it stinks: Unless your movie is called “Apocalypse Now,” it’s a horrible sign if the story going on behind the camera rivals the one unfolding in front of it.

                Let’s flash back to the early 90’s shall we? Constantin Film Produktion is in trouble. See, the company owns the rights to make a film version of Marvel’s “Fantastic Four” comic book series, but it’s up against a deadline. If it doesn’t start production on a film post haste, it loses the rights and someone else can snatch them up and make the movie.

                So, Constantin hatches a plan to make sure it doesn’t lose the rights: The company decides to make a virtually no-budget “Fantastic Four” movie and just never release it. Hide it away under the stairs like a dark-haired boy with a lightning bolt-shaped scar.

The company hires low-budget maestro Roger Corman to orchestrate the project, a bunch of no-name actors to star in it, and goes to work.

Here’s the catch. According to Marvel head honcho Stan Lee, Constantin never told the actors or crew members about the plan. So everyone went to the set each day, blissfully unaware no one would ever see the results of their hard work. Several of the actors even went to comic conventions to promote the movie.

Once filming wrapped, Constatin buried the movie and 11 years later the company got to make the multimillion dollar, “real” version starring Jessica Alba and Chris Evans, and its sequel “Rise of the Silver Surfer.”

And it all comes back to this super cheap, super crappy movie no one was ever supposed to see, but now we can thanks to the wonders of the internet.

As for the movie, “Fantastic Four” just doesn’t work with a low budget. There are just too many complicated visual effects. Between Dr. Richards stretching his limbs like Stretch Armstrong, the Human Torch controlling fire, the Invisible Woman’s ability to become invisible… (duh) everything just looks embarrassing.

You can’t really blame the effects department, they were just up against it. That’s too big of an order to fill without the coin to back it up.

One thing we can blame them for is the look of the Thing, the member of Richards’ crew who turns into a sort of rock-skinned, golem creature. His makeup and prosthetics actually look OK all things considered. Problem is, his head is clearly shaped like a certain part of the male anatomy. Kind of distracting. Maybe it was just me.

thewolfmancometh.com

The less said about the repulsive blue and white costumes our heroes don when they become the Fantastic Four, the better.

The dialogue is equally as embarrassing, but screenwriters Craig J. Nevius and Kevin Rock don’t get a pass. It doesn’t take a million dollar budget to realize having two characters' mom say something like: “There they are, the Fantastic Four” is really cheesy.

Also, was the subplot involving the jewel-stealing leprechaun really necessary? Because you’d think Dr. Doom would be enough of a villain to carry a picture. Apparently not though since they had to shoe horn in that guy and his band of sewer dwellers. It’s like the filmmakers stuck some deleted scenes from the first “Leprechaun” into their movie just to see if anyone would notice.

All of the romance in the movie, and there’s a lot, is some combination of creepy, weird and forced. In the case of the Thing, all three.

The fight scenes are all undone by the same lack of an effects budget we talked about earlier.

One the bright side, there’s some occasional humor to be found, some of it intentional, the vast majority accidental. Still, a laugh’s a laugh. 

Worst of the worst

Spoiler Alert: A lot to choose from, but I’m going to pick the wedding that occurs near the end of the movie. The Invisible Woman is about to marry the reverse skunk-haired Dr. Richards. As is customary, she wears a wedding dress. What do the three male members of the Fantastic Four wear, including the groom? Their ugly blue superhero costumes! To a G’D wedding!

                               

Video Evidence

             There you have it. "The Fantastic Four.” Bumblebee tuna.

Review: Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Credentials: 33%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 4.0 out of 10 (Imdb.com)

Plot: A crazy guy clutching a Halloween mask shows up in a small town medical clinic babbling that everyone is doomed, strange men are trying to kill him and so forth. Lucky for the crazy guy, he’s under the watchful eye of deadbeat dad, cardboard box impersonator and our hero, Dr. Challis (Tom Atkins). Naturally, within minutes of his arrival, the crazy guy ends up dead right along with the guy who killed him. Whoops. So, Dr. C. ditches that scene--- and his lame-o kids--- and heads out on the road with the dead crazy guy’s daughter, Ellie (Stacey Nelkin), to get to the bottom of this wonderful mystery. Being the class act that he is, Challis waits nearly a full two days before making sweet, sweet love to the grieving daughter. Soon, the pair uncover a sinister plot involving (in no particular order) killer Halloween masks, stolen Stonehenge rocks, and a grating TV commercial that may also be a killer. Where the fork is Michael?

Why it stinks: You know how everyone complains that Hollywood has no original ideas left, that it always opts for the quick and easy payday instead of actually putting any sort of thought or effort in?

                Well, you whiners can thank “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” for that.

                “Halloween” creators John Carpenter and Debra Hill didn’t want to churn out a repetitive string of increasingly violent and cheesy sequels all featuring Michael Myers hacking babysitters into little bitty bits (Which ended up happening anyway). 

                So, they tried to turn the franchise into a sort of seasonal “Twilight Zone,” telling new weird and scary stories every year, and send Michael off to an early retirement.

                They tried something new and different and it blew up in their faces. “Halloween III” is widely reviled as one of the worst in a sorta mostly bad franchise.

                Now some will tell you, that all the “H3” hate stems from the title. People get disappointed when you sell them a “Halloween” movie without Michael Myers. It’s like promising steak and delivering ice cream. Those folks say the movie would have received a warmer reception had it just been called “Season of the Witch,” and stood on its own two legs (Though, I’m sure Nic Cage might have something to say about that).

                Those people are sadly wrong. “H3” is just way too boring to be misunderstood.

                The so-called mystery our hero and his lady friend are trying to solve? Meh. Not much of a mystery for us or them. Everyone seems to figure out what’s going on (the masks are dangerous) and who’s responsible (the company that made the masks, duh) pretty easily.

                Maybe because the movie insisted on playing that freaking commercial jingle every five minutes like clockwork. Kind of gave it away.  

                The only real unknown was why a company would want to make killer Halloween masks. When you do find out, you’ll probably wish the movie hadn’t bothered. Let’s just say druids are involved somehow. Always druids.

                And can we talk about the way the masks kill people? I won't go into details, but holy lord. Someone was compensated American dollars for scribbling that gibberish on a page. There’s really hope for us all. You know what would have been scarier… or better? Anything. Anything at all. If the masks had killed people by forcing them to dance an endless Irish jig, it would have been better. 

                Lastly, the cast. We already discussed how neither of our leads is particularly likeable or interesting. The rest of the cast is mostly filled out by a bunch of one-note-joke side characters who exist solely to be killed off. Nothing memorable from the lot of them, save for another top notch diabolical performance by Dan O'Herlihy (he plays joke store mogul Conal Cochran).

               

            Worst of the worst

            Need I say more?

            Let that be a lesson to you kiddies. Risks are for losers. Bumblebee tuna.

News: Trolls to conquer big screen

Well, I’m a little late on this, but what the hey? Bad news is bad news, even if it is a few days stale.

                Last week, Dreamworks announced it had offered Jason Schwartzman the lead voice role in their next animation project.

                What’s so bad about that? Dreamworks is no Pixar, but it does fine work. And the hipster kids seem to get a kick out of that scruffy scallywag Schwartzman. Again, I ask you, what’s not to like about this pairing?

                The upcoming Dreamworks animated project in question is “Trolls.”

dvdtalk.com

               

                No, not those trolls.

                These trolls. You know, the ones with the plastic jewel on their tummy’s and the tuft of brightly colored hair that people were oddly into about two decades ago?

wordofthenerdonline.com

 Yeah, those things. Definitely time to tap into that goldmine.

Anyway, Schwartzman will be joining a cast that already includes the awesomely talented Chloe Grace Moretz, who’s already locked into the female voice lead for some godforsaken reason.

It seems lessons weren’t learned after the disaster that was “Battleship.” Hollywood continues to prattle along with the confused notion that people WANT toys and games from their past plastered across giant screens, and those same people are willing to pay upwards of $12 a ticket just for the privilege.

Please America, ignore Schwartzman’s hipster charms. Avoid “Trolls.” Don’t give Hollywood a reason to make a Mouse Trap movie. My soul couldn’t handle that kind of assault.

Source: MSNBC

Review: Piranha 3DD

Credentials: 14%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 4.3 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 24 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: So there’s this water park run by a douchebag (David Koechner, dude has been so typecast) where the lifeguards aren’t just lifeguards, but strippers, as well! For some reason, this is also a water park where families like to hang out. Dunno. Anyway, the prehistoric, carnivorous fishies from part one eventually show up and crash opening day, eating a bunch of people and whatnot. There’s A TON of other stuff going on: the douche bag’s step daughter (Danielle Panabaker) is involved in a massively uninteresting love triangle, her best friend (Katrina Bowden) is somehow struggling to get a guy, any guy, to have sex with her (really dunno), there’s some conspiracy thing involving the local police, etc. It’s all going on, but it’s not worth our time or attention… whoops. Let’s move on.

Why it stinks: Damn you, “Pirahna 3DD.” Damn you.

                Damn you for making me say this: I miss Alexandre Aja.

                Aja. My archnemesis. The director of duds such as “The Hills Have Eyes” and “Haute Tension” (if you’re pretentious). He also lucked into making the shockingly entertaining “Piranha 3D.” Sure, it could have been better (put Eli Roth behind the camera for starters), but still I had fun with it.

                Now, after seeing the Aja-less sequel, I really miss that crazy, French son of a gun, because “Piranha 3DD” awful.

                I guess it should have been pretty obvious from the title and casting decisions (Hasselhoff and Busey in the same movie?), but "P3DD" is trying really, really hard to be a screwy horror comedy.

                 Trouble is, once you start burning that many calories trying to make people laugh, usually the opposite starts to happen. There's still a good deal of nudity, blood and guts, it's just not as much fun this time around.

                Now look, I know Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan are the writers-du-jour of the horror genre nowadays, given the success they had keeping the “Saw” franchise afloat and profitable for seven films despite the fact its star madman died in part three.

            The two are good, sometimes very good (“Saw 6”), at what they do, but they aren’t comedy writers. They're totally out of their element writing "P3DD." They try to recreate the slapstick, over-the-top spirit of the original, but end up rehashing a bunch of tired gags and adding some sad attempts at humor of their own.

That leaves noted hack and replacement director John Gulager (“Feast”) to rely on so-so (at best) comedy actors and a fistful of C-list cameos to do all the heavy-lifting.

             I mean, for the love of god, J.D.’s future son from “Scrubs” has a STARRING role in this movie. Starring! I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out how I knew him, then I remembered this:

             And for shame, “Piranha 3DD.” You took the lovely and lovable Katrina Bowden and saddled her with the most useless and nonsensical storyline in the movie.

Spoiler Alert, here people. Be warned.

Am I to honestly believe that a piranha swam up her lady parts, lived inside her for several days and then emerged right while she was about to have sex with a guy? And that she was totally unharmed by any part of this experience?

End spoiler.

That’s really stupid.

See, the first “Piranha” was mostly entertaining stupid, the sequel is just stupid stupid.

I’ve already discussed the needlessly busy storyline, but my god. There’s so much going on and none of it is interesting. As a result, all of the piranha action gets crammed in near the end. And when the fish finally attack, it hardly lives up to the part one massacre. It’s all just very blah. Not fun, not squirm-inducing. Just there, happening.

Despite the fact that it’s grossy overwritten, “Piranha 3DD” lays claim to a cool 96 minute run time. Allegedly. The movie is really only 70 minutes long, with some unfunny bloopers and an equally unfunny fake commercial slowing down the end credits, adding on nearly 26 minutes!

70 minutes. Glad I skipped this one in theaters. 

Worst of the worst

See: Spoilers above. That scene had my cursor careening towards the stop button. 

Gulager, Melton, Dunstan. Congrats. You’ve made me appreciate Alexandre Aja. I’m not sure how to handle this. Maybe I’ll make like Sam Jackson at the end of “Pulp Fiction.” Wander the countryside, have adventures.

Or maybe I’ll just re-watch the last 20 minutes of “Haute Tension” and get my mind right.

Bumblebee tuna.

Review: Chernobyl Diaries

Credentials: 21%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 5.5 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 31 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: After hitting all of the usual touristy stuff, a group of twenty-somethings elect to take their European vacation to the “X-treme.” So they hire, Yuri, (Dimitri Diatchenko) Russian’s worst living special forces operative, to take them on a tour of Pripyat, the ghost town that once housed the employees of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant. You know, before they were forced to evacuate after that whole “nuclear meltdown” thing. The city is surrounded by armed guards, but our heroes sneak in through its unguarded back door and spend a fun-filled day looking at empty buildings and not being impressed by the corpses of irradiated mutant animals.  As per horror tradition, when it’s time to leave, the car won’t start. Also as per horror tradition, it seems the city isn’t as abandoned as everyone thought.

        

Why it stinks: “Chernobyl Diaries” stinks because two of its three writers are dimwits, its actors are unable to act and its rookie director (Brad Parker) is a noted visual effects wiz--- completely out of his element directing a movie with scant few visual effects worth mentioning.

                Let’s start with the hacky writers. Shane (“Titanic II”) and Carey Van Dyke (“The Day the Earth Stopped”) teamed with found footage maestro Oren Peli to craft this mess. (P.S.: It’s shot with a handheld camera, but this ain’t no found footage movie, making the word “diary” in the title very unnecessary) Peli gets a pass because he’s human and we all make mistakes. His was working with the Van Dyke siblings.

                The trio’s script by is rambling and moronic. I hate to admit it, but you know that dickhead in the theater laughing during the serious parts of the movie? I was that dickhead. I’m sorry but if I heard one more character call the name of another character who was clearly dead, I would’ve wet my pants.

I think it’s safe to say that at no point during the movie’s 90 some odd minute run time does a character make a single, logical, well-reasoned decision.

                Even after things start to hit the fan and a few characters are killed/injured, none of the tourists seem to be in much of a hurry to get out of Pripyat. They stand around talking and bickering, playing with walkie talkies, but there’s no giddy-up.

                But it’s Uri, their tour guide, who really steals the show.

                Keep in mind he has special forces training. YET, he doesn’t tell a soul he’s taking these kids on this tour and has NO back-up plan whatsoever in case something goes wrong. He ignores countless warnings that something bad is going down in Pripyat. Then, he decides to wander off alone at night to investigate a mysterious noise and just starts firing his gun wildly in all directions at the first sign of trouble. Apparently it’s super easy to become special forces in Russia.

On the acting side of the ball, Dimitri Diatchenko is at least fun to watch as Yuri. He turns the character into a giant, charming Russian bear of a man, who may have been conked on the head a few times too many.

                Jesse “Beautiful Soul” McCartney (nice guy brother Chris) clearly wants to be Leonardo DiCaprio, but doesn’t have anything close to the chops. He ends up coming across as a huge whinny poseur.  

                Jonathan Sadowski (douche bag brother Paul) is a horrible, horrible actor. The scariest part about “The Chernobyl Diaries” is that Sadowski was actually hired. Somehow this man was the best actor to audition for the part of Paul. My brain can’t process that.

                Olivia Dudley (Natalie) can’t act either, but she does bring two things to the movie--- giant boobies. This girl is so bosomy it’s actually distracting. There were several scenes with Dudley in them where I can safely say I didn’t hear a word any of the characters where saying. She spends so much of the movie with her chest stuck out that I actually started to feel bad for her. That kind of posture can’t be good for your back. Get a chiropractor girl!

                Because it’s just so incredibly stupid, “Chernobyl Diaries” ends up also being freaking hysterical. This is the kind of movie that you make fun of with your buddies “MST3K” style when it comes on cable late at night. None of the laughs are intentional, but hell, at least it’s good for something.

                Worst of the Worst

                If I had to pick, I’d say any part of the movie that wasn’t Yuri doing something incredibly, gut-bustingly stupid or the haunting landscape shots. Also, anytime Sadowski opened his trap. “CHRIS? CHRIS!”

                There she blows, “The Chernobyl Diaries.” Bumblebee tuna Van Dykes.

News: 'Transformers' AND 'Justice League!'

hollywood-blog.net

Bay leaks some alien robot news

I’m going to take a moment and talk to that one guy who, despite three failures ranging from moderate to earth-shattering, is still looking forward to “Transformers 4.”

                Get out.

                You’re no longer welcome in America. We don’t want your tax dollars and we certainly can’t have you voting or reproducing. I’ve heard that Canada has some room up North. Maybe you can move there, but like the man said… you can’t stay here.

                Now that that’s settled, franchise-helmer Michael Bay dropped some knowledge on what he’s got planned for “Transformers Part 4.”

                A brand-spanking new cast AND some slightly new character designs! Maybe in this one all the main bad guys won’t turn into planes. Just a thought.

                Oh yeah, and Bay also said this will be his last go-around directing a movie based on toys about killer robots from outer space. Part five will be directed by some other schmo.

                Whoops. Should have put a spit take warning in there. Yes, there will also be a “Transformers Part 5” coming out at some point.

                There’s just so much umm… story left to wring out of this franchise. Story of course being street slang for “billions of sweet, sweet dollars.”

                Source: Joblo

thefilmstage.com

‘Justice League’ ready for action?

                So that “Avengers” movie did alright for itself, huh?

                While Marvel head Stan Lee has spent the last month or so doing swan dives into a swimming pool filled with money a la Scrooge McDuck, rival comic book firm DC has silently brooded.

                Well, as much as one can silently brood when you’ve got your own box-office crushing global phenomenon (“The Dark Knight Rises”) waiting in the wings.

                Still, Marvel was able to get many of its biggest characters together for one movie, while DC’s own superhero gang, the Justice League, seemed a far off dream.

                Not so fast. According to Variety, it seems DC’s partner, Warner Brothers, has hired itself a screenwriter to start work on a Justice League film. A screenwriter by the name of Will Beall (“Gangster Squad”).

                Ain’t it Cool News has speculated DC might do the opposite of what marvel did and start with all of the superheroes together, before sending them off in different directions for their own films. Marvel. Of course, used the individual movies to build up to the big group outing.

                Will it work? Definitely. With Superman and Batman in one movie, “Justice League” would be guaranteed to make silly money. Will it be as good? Probably not. This stinks of a green-eyed rush job to me.

                Source: Ain’t It Cool News