Well, I’m a little late on this, but what the hey? Bad news
is bad news, even if it is a few days stale.
Last
week, Dreamworks announced it had offered Jason Schwartzman the lead voice role
in their next animation project.
What’s
so bad about that? Dreamworks is no Pixar, but it does fine work. And the hipster
kids seem to get a kick out of that scruffy scallywag Schwartzman. Again, I ask
you, what’s not to like about this pairing?
The
upcoming Dreamworks animated project in question is “Trolls.”
These
trolls. You know, the ones with the plastic jewel on their tummy’s and the tuft
of brightly colored hair that people were oddly into about two decades
ago?
wordofthenerdonline.com
Yeah, those things. Definitely time to tap into
that goldmine.
Anyway, Schwartzman will be joining
a cast that already includes the awesomely talented Chloe Grace Moretz, who’s
already locked into the female voice lead for some godforsaken reason.
It seems lessons weren’t learned
after the disaster that was “Battleship.” Hollywood continues to prattle along
with the confused notion that people WANT toys and games from their past
plastered across giant screens, and those same people are willing to pay upwards
of $12 a ticket just for the privilege.
Please America, ignore Schwartzman’s
hipster charms. Avoid “Trolls.” Don’t give Hollywood a reason to make a Mouse
Trap movie. My soul couldn’t handle that kind of assault.
0% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 2.2 out of 10, #62 on list of 100 lowest rated films (imdb.com)/ Subject of the 2009 documentary “Best Worst Movie”
Plot:
A kid battles goblins and tries to avoid getting turned into a plant with the help of his deceased grandfather all while on a family vacation so nightmarish that you half expect Chevy Chase to show up.
Thoughts:
There are two things wrong with the title of this movie:
1) The movie contains NO trolls whatsoever, only goblins.
2) The movie has NOTHING to do with the film “Troll” (1986) other than the fact that producers wanted to capitalize on its success.
“Troll 2” is the kind of movie that “The Cheese List” was made for. The director, actors, writers, effects and costume departments all seem to be locked in a competition to out-suck each other. Who wins? Surprisingly, the audience. As bad as “Troll 2” is, it is an absolute unintentional hoot to watch.
The movie opens with a family swapping lives and homes with another family for a month. The farmers head to the city, while our heroes the city folk head to the country. So if the movie itself wasn’t bad enough, we can also blame every episode of “Wife Swap” on it as well. Never mind that this plan makes no sense, that having a family of strangers live in your house for a month is beyond creepy and seems like an invitation for untold amounts of theft. Plus, the farmers are entrusting their livelihood to a bunch of city-dwellers who probably think John Deere was a Nicholas Sparks book. Never mind that the timeline on that joke makes no sense, just go with it. Anywho, it’s not a good thing if your movie is about trolls, ummm… I mean goblins, and I’m already suspending my disbelief before a single dollar store mask and burlap sack wearin’ critter shows up.
The free fall continues once the family gets to the subtly-named town of Nilbog. Get it? If you do, that puts you exactly 45 minutes ahead of anyone in the movie.“Troll 2” contains that illusive combination of both over AND underacting that scientists once thought could not exist on the same strip of film. One memorable scene pits the Ambien-mannered matriarch of the family (Margo Prey) against the manic, scenery-devouring, atomic energy of goblin queen Creedence Lenore Gielgud (Deborah Reed).
The film’s conclusion is so laughable that if I described what happens you wouldn’t believe me. I promise you that you will never underestimate the unholy power of boloney sandwiches again. Never.
Play-By-Play
:04- Interspecies seduction? People being eaten alive? The word voracity? What kind of crazy ass bed time story is this?
:06- Johnny Depp alert! Who cares if it was just a poster it counts!!
:10- These two are just like Romeo and Juliet… if Romeo and Juliet were both horrible actors
:12- I can’t tell if the actors are being held back by an unfathomably bad script or if the script is being trashed by laughably bad actors. Who is the real victim here?
I think the one on the far right looks like Stump from that episode of "Angry Beavers"
:21- So the grandfather’s ghost can freeze time? Since when could ghosts do that?
:24- Good plan dad, challenge your son to see who can go longer without eating. That’ll teach him some damn respect!
:29- To answer my earlier question, I think they are all to blame equally
:36- So the grandfather’s ghost can stop time, but he can’t figure out which bedroom belongs to the boy and which belongs to the girl? That’s beyond his power?
:40- The characters in this movie have an annoying habit of awkwardly identifying themselves (“me, his daughter”)
:46-
It's so hot! Milk was a bad choice!
:54- I guess playboy meant dork back in 1990
:57-
Don't fret?! Your friend is turning into a giant plant and your only advice to him is not to fret!?!
1:03- Where the heck did the ghost find the ax and the Molotov cocktail?
1:04- Listen Grandpa, do you really need the fire extinguisher to create a distraction? Don’t you think your very appearance would accomplish that, considering you’re, you know, dead?
1:11- Is this guy at all concerned that his three friends have been missing all day?
1:19- Grandpa Seth. You don’t hear about a ton of Grandpa Seth’s. Not really an old guy name, like there aren’t any Grandma Krystal’s or baby Wilbur’s.
1:23-
That's right buddy. Discreetly use your new girlfriend as a human shield. Classy...
1:24-
I've had dreams like this. At least he's going to go out doing what he loved: drowning in popcorn.
1:26-
If only I had a dime for everytime a boloney sandwhich saved the day...
1:30- “They’re eating my mom!” What happened, kid? Did you suddenly become the movie’s narrator? We’re all looking at the same thing you are. A better exclamation would have been: “Stop eating my mom!” or how about an old fashioned: “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
Lastly, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't mention this little ditty, fully showcasing the film's, how should I put it, cheesy sensibilities.
And for my Spanish-speaking readers...
So there it is: “Troll 2.” I’m still working on tracking down some of your recommendations, but keep them coming in anyway. Bumblebee tuna.
