Credentials: 33%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) /
4.0 out of 10 (Imdb.com)
Plot: A crazy guy clutching a Halloween mask shows up in a
small town medical clinic babbling that everyone is doomed, strange men are
trying to kill him and so forth. Lucky for the crazy guy, he’s under the
watchful eye of deadbeat dad, cardboard box impersonator and our hero, Dr.
Challis (Tom Atkins). Naturally, within minutes of his arrival, the crazy guy
ends up dead right along with the guy who killed him. Whoops. So, Dr. C.
ditches that scene--- and his lame-o kids--- and heads out on the road with the
dead crazy guy’s daughter, Ellie (Stacey Nelkin), to get to the bottom of this
wonderful mystery. Being the class act that he is, Challis waits nearly a full
two days before making sweet, sweet love to the grieving daughter. Soon, the
pair uncover a sinister plot involving (in no particular order) killer
Halloween masks, stolen Stonehenge rocks, and a grating TV commercial that may
also be a killer. Where the fork is Michael?
Why it stinks: You know how everyone complains that
Hollywood has no original ideas left, that it always opts for the quick and
easy payday instead of actually putting any sort of thought or effort in?
Well,
you whiners can thank “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” for that.
“Halloween”
creators John Carpenter and Debra Hill didn’t want to churn out a repetitive string
of increasingly violent and cheesy sequels all featuring Michael Myers hacking
babysitters into little bitty bits (Which ended up happening anyway).
So, they
tried to turn the franchise into a sort of seasonal “Twilight Zone,” telling
new weird and scary stories every year, and send Michael off to an early
retirement.
They
tried something new and different and it blew up in their faces. “Halloween
III” is widely reviled as one of the worst in a sorta mostly bad franchise.
Now
some will tell you, that all the “H3” hate stems from the title. People get
disappointed when you sell them a “Halloween” movie without Michael Myers. It’s
like promising steak and delivering ice cream. Those folks say the movie would
have received a warmer reception had it just been called “Season of the Witch,”
and stood on its own two legs (Though, I’m sure Nic Cage might have something
to say about that).
Those
people are sadly wrong. “H3” is just way too boring to be misunderstood.
The
so-called mystery our hero and his lady friend are trying to solve? Meh. Not
much of a mystery for us or them. Everyone seems to figure out what’s going on (the masks are dangerous)
and who’s responsible (the company that made the masks, duh) pretty easily.
Maybe
because the movie insisted on playing that freaking commercial jingle every
five minutes like clockwork. Kind of gave it away.
The only
real unknown was why a company would want to make killer Halloween masks. When
you do find out, you’ll probably wish the movie hadn’t bothered. Let’s just say
druids are involved somehow. Always druids.
And can
we talk about the way the masks kill people? I won't go into details, but holy lord. Someone was compensated
American dollars for scribbling that gibberish on a page. There’s really hope
for us all. You know what would have been scarier… or better? Anything.
Anything at all. If the masks had killed people by forcing them to dance an endless
Irish jig, it would have been better.
Lastly,
the cast. We already discussed how neither of our leads is particularly
likeable or interesting. The rest of the cast is mostly filled out by a bunch
of one-note-joke side characters who exist solely to be killed off.
Nothing memorable from the lot of them, save for another top notch diabolical performance
by Dan O'Herlihy (he plays joke store mogul Conal Cochran).
Worst
of the worst
Need I say
more?
Let that be a lesson to you
kiddies. Risks are for losers. Bumblebee
tuna.
