And the losers are ... Razzie nomination spectacular!

Talk about timing. I’m back at this thing for three days and here comes the biggest news on the bad movie calendar. Well, second biggest, right behind anytime Uwe Boll rubs two nickels together and a movie appears.

                Ladies and gentlefellows, the nominations for the 33rd Annual Golden Raspberry Awards, or Razzies as they’re known to those in the uh know, were announced today.

                The Razzies of course reward the worst Hollywood has to offer each and every year.

                This year, the Razzies went high tech and made their big announcement via a Youtube video. So if you’re not big on reading or prefer to surf the net with your eyes closed (dangerous) you can check that out.

The big winner, or loser depending on your perspective, was “Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II,” which scored 11 nods despite there only being 10 categories. It was nominated in every single category and twice in Worst Couple, the latter being a Razzie first.

Former funnyman Adam Sandler continued to be the Razzie version of Meryl Streep, as everything he touches turns to spray-painted gold. While he couldn’t quite match last year’s “Jack and Jill” debacle (it won everything, sweeping all 10 categories, also a Razzie first) with his latest, called “That’s My Boy,” the film still racked up an impressive 8 nominations.   

                As per tradition, let’s take a look at the races in some of the bigger categories, and I’ll offer my predictions on who’s going to take home a spray-painted trophy  (Predicted winners are in bold/underline).

battleship.wikia.com

                 Worst Supporting Actress

Jessica Biel, Playing for Keeps and Total Recall

Brooklyn Decker, Battleship

Ashley Green, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

Jennifer Lopez, What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Rihanna, Battleship

                

twilightsaga.wikia.com

Worst Supporting Actor

David Hasselhoff, Piranha 3-DD

Taylor Lautner, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

Liam Neeson, Battleship and Wrath of the Titans

Nick Swardson, That’s My Boy

Vanilla Ice, That’s My Boy

twicsy.com

            

 Worst Screen Couple

Any combination of two “Jersey Shore” cast members, Three Stooges

Mackenzie Foy and Taylor Lautner, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

Taylor Perry and his drag get-up, Madea’s Witless Protection

Adam Sandler and either Leighton Meester or Andy Samberg, That’s My Boy

               

people.com

  Worst Actor

Nicolas Cage, Ghost Rider 2: The Spirit of Vengeance and Seeking Justice

Eddie Murphy, A Thousand Words

Robert Pattinson, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

Tyler Perry (not in drag), Alex Cross and Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds

Adam Sandler, That’s My Boy

fashionscansremastered.net

                Worst Actress

Katherine Heigl, One for the Money

Milla Jovovich, Resident Evil: Retribution

Tyler Perry (in drag), Madea’s Witless Protection

Kristen Stewart, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II and Snow White and the Hunstman

Barbra Streisand, Guilt Trip

               

screenrant.com

 Worst Director

Sean Anders, That’s My Boy

Peter Berg, Battleship

Bill Condon, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

Tyler Perry, Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds and Madea’s Witless Protection

John Putch, Atlas Shrugged: Part II

screenrant.com

Worst Picture

Battleship

Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure

That’s My Boy

Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part II

A Thousand Words

                Basically, the Razzies are going to send the "Twilight" franchise off in style, riding a "Return of the King"-like wave of trophies into moviegoers nightmares, where it will remain for all of time. It won't be a clean sweep because what fun would that be two years in a row, but it will be close. Get those bets in now, “winners” will be announced on Oscars Eve, Saturday, February 23.

                Bumblebee tuna.

Info: Razzies

News: Six and Laser bury the hatchet, Bay adds a person

blogs.indiewire.com

‘Centipede III’ is … sigh … a-go

                Here’s a bit of news that’s even more topical considering yesterday’s Earth-shattering … hmm … well maybe not quite shattering, Earth-light scratching announcement of “Human Centipede II: Full Sequence” as the first review of the Cheese List re-launch.

                Tom Six, the noted Dutch weirdo yet undeniably snazzy dresser behind the first two centipede films, has proclaimed to the world that “Centipede III” is totally and irreversibly on.

                The film had hit a bit of a snag last March when Dieter Laser --- who played the demented doctor in the first film --- decided to back out of part three. Perhaps he finally got around to actually watching the movies? Guy’s got a busy Netflix queue, give him a break.

                Naturally, Six responded by threatening to sue Laser for breach of contract. More squabbling ensued and eventually the two oddballs with the coolest names in the business kissed and made up. Or sacrificed a whole flock of chickens together. Whatever they do in their spare time.

                So Laser is in and part three is all set to begin filming in May. According to Six’s sister and co-producer Ilona, Laser will star alongside “Human Centipede II” lead Laurence R. Harvey as the main baddies in the new film. However, they’ll both be playing entirely new characters because this series isn’t metta or confusing enough yet.

                Sister Six also dropped this ditty: the human centipede in part three will be over 500 people long so yeah. Go big or go home.

                Info: EW

comicbook.com

New ‘Transformers’ people news

                Two things right off the bat: Yup, they’re still making “Transformers” movies and yup they’re still casting people to “act” in them.

                Michael Bay has already suckered all-around man’s man, but slightly gullible (see: “The Happening”) Mark Wahlberg into signing on to this fresh CGI nightmare.

                Joining the muscular Wahlberg brother is … drumroll … 21-year-old Irish/American actor/total dreamboat Jack Reynor!!.

                Not exactly me announcing I’d be watching “Human Centipede II” or anything, but I guess this counts as big news.

                You may or may not know Reynor from the short-lived TV series “Dollhouse” from Joss “Josh” Whedon where I can only he assumed he played a dreamy person of some sort.

                According to the Bay himself, the series is going in a totally new direction, so we can only hope it’s going to try to not-suck for a while. Dumping Shia LeBeouf for Wahlberg is a fantastic start. Sadly, Michael Bay is still involved, but the world’s an imperfect place.

                Info: Joblo  

Cheese List returns + preview

Good news citizens of the internet: The bitter, months-long labor war between Cheese List, LLC, Inc. and its writers union over critical issues such as blog-related revenue, writer pensions and contract length has finally been settled.

                And it was settled the old-fashioned way.  Not with suits and ties and humongous boardroom tables, but with fisticuffs in a brutally violent, fearsome Hell in a Cell match. The way our founding fathers settled their arguments over the Bill of Rights.

                Now, let’s not get into who emerged in glorious victory and who conceded on all points like a frightened puppy. And of course, there really were no winners during this work stoppage, which wiped out months of bad movie watching. Only losers. Except for the writers. And the owners. But everyone else lost. Sorry, I guess. THANK YOU FANS!!!!!1

digitaljournal.com

                Anywho, so The Cheese List will be returning to its once a day format. Here’s how the new schedule will break down for the first few weeks … until some new monkey wrench is inevitably tossed into the gears and everything comes screeching back to a halt once again. But until that day, dear friends, here’s what to expect:

                Monday: Preview of the movie we’ll be reviewing that week on The Cheese List

                Tuesday: Bad movie news

                Wednesday: More news

                Thursday: Even more news if you can believe it

                Friday: Cheese List movie review

                Saturday/Sunday: Sweet, sweet nothing

                So there it is. A fine and capable schedule if there ever was one.

                This week’s Cheese List entry is a low-budget, massively divisive sequel to a low-budget, massively divisive horror movie I reviewed way back on August 8, 2012. The film was written and directed by Tom Six and stars Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie and Maddi Black.

                It tells the heart-warming tale of a misunderstood young man named Martin whose only crime is loving movies maybe just a little bit too much. The one thing that would make our hero happier than anything in the world would be to finally be allowed to have the pet of his dreams. Let’s take a look shall we?

                Ah yeah. It’s “Human Centipede II: Full Sequence.” Well, turns out that pet happens to be made up of 12 people sewn together, mouth-to-uhh-butt. So maybe Martin’s not so great after all. 

                Credentials: 30%, Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com) // 17 out of 100 (metacritic.com) // 4.0 out of 10 (imdb.com)

                Roger Ebert, of the Chicago Sun-Times said of “HCII”: “The film is reprehensible, dismaying, ugly, artless and an affront to any notion, however remote, of human decency.” Felix Vazquez Jr., from Cinema Craze, called the movie “excruciating and horrendous.”

But not every critic hated “HCII.” Robbie Collin, from the Daily Telegraph, dug deep into his heart and came up with this complement: “It would be unfair to say the film is completely without merit, but what little there is is drowned out by its blaring vileness.”

See? “Not completely without merit!” So there’s hope. Check in Friday for my thoughts and may god have mercy on my soul.

                Bumblebee tuna.

Review: Meet the Spartans

Credentials: 2%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 2.6 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 9 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: The hyper-stylized, sepia-toned retelling of the Battle of Thermopylae… retold by two hacky dingbats.

Why it stinks: I’m not one to brag, but in case you weren’t counting, I’ve now sat through three alleged spoof movies from the minds of Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer in the last year. Three. To some of you out there, all that makes me is a guy with far, far too much time on his hands. But to a much larger and more interesting group, that fact makes me a hero. Like Marie Curie zapping herself with endless amounts of radiation just to see what it does. That’s me, bubba. Zapping myself with Friedberg/Seltzer “jokes” and gauging my reactions for the good of all mankind. I can only imagine the grim fate that awaits me when my body and mind inevitably rebel against me for the torture I’ve subjected them to.

                Anyway, I’ve sat through a few of these things so I feel confident in saying that “Meet the Spartans” is the laziest thing Friedberg/Seltzer have thus far scrawled their names on.

                Let’s clear the air right from the start: If you’ve seen “300” then you’ve seen “Meet the Spartans.” Friedberg/Seltzer lift very nearly the entire freaking plot of “300” for their movie. And if you’re a connoisseur of their “work,” you know these guys usually just steal jokes, so this taking a whole plot thing is at least breaking new ground.

                Hell, at least we get some good pop culture gags and celebrity cameos to help us along on our journey through a plot most of us found dull and predictable when we first saw it under the title of “300.” Right? Don’t hold your breath, chickadees.

                Mostly what we get are references to game shows and several full length remakes of actual commercials. Apparently Friedberg/Seltzer weren’t making enough money hawking their wares to America’s dumbest, most easily manipulated and most free-spending age group (teenagers). Curses, someone must have taught Friedberg/Seltzer the meaning of the phrase “product placement.”    

                How else can you explain why the Spartans all start chugging Gatoraid in slow mo after a battle? There’s no joke. It’s just sweaty people drinking Gatoraid. In slow mo. It’s just a commercial. And it’s not just sports drinks, we also get commercials for Dentyne Ice gum, Budweiser and Hooters.  

Also, Friedberg/Seltzer seem hell bent on referencing every reality/game show currently on the air when they shot the movie. “America’s Next Top Model,” “American Idol,” “Dancing with the Stars,” “Deal or No Deal.” All mentioned. Not a single joke as far as the eye can see.

                One last thing before we get to the Quick Thoughts. While Friedberg/Seltzer are learning about new things like product placement, how’s about someone teach them the meaning of the word “subtlety?” I mean my God. We get it. You two geniuses---along with everyone else on the planet--- noticed that the over-the-top masculinity in “300” was sorta kinda homoerotic.  

                But that doesn’t mean you need to have the Spartan men in your movie greet each other with passionate tongue kisses (the women are greeted with high fives) and skip hand in hand down the street with each other while singing “I Will Survive.”

                 That doesn’t even count as “spoofing” anymore. It’s more like beating a dead horse with another dead horse--- while a third and very, very ill horse watches in horror.

                Quick Thoughts 

                --- 2 minutes in, one vomit joke down. Good to get that first one out of the way.

                --- 5 minutes in, first diarrhea joke out of the way. Boy, I was starting to sweat bullets waiting for this one. Making your captive audience wait five whole minutes, Friedberg/Seltzer!?! You monsters!

                --- I’m beginning to think the only reason Friedberg/Seltzer keep making these movies is to keep Carmen Electra employed. Like some sort of horribly unfunny, untalented employment fairies.

                --- The one good thing about these movies? Being reminded of what TMZ was talking about at the time they came out. In this case: Britney Spear’s meltdown and Paris Hilton. One second thought, make that “Another reason these movies suck?”

                --- Do we need a four minute dance sequence? In a comedy movie? Really?!? It’s not even funny dancing, just regular ol’ dancing.

                --- Rest easy, America.  We can celebrate the one hour mark of this nightmare with our first CAT POOP JOKE (Oprah shouting)!

---  Poor Kevin Sorbo… poor Kevin Sorbo

There it goes, “Meet the Spartans,” bumblebee tuna.

Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Credentials: 4.6 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 50%, Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 33 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: While road-tripping through Germany, best pals Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) meet a cute waiter who invites them to meet up with him for drinks at an ultra-hip club. The pair accept, get all dolled up, then immediately get lost on route. Rather then turning around or asking for directions, the girls keep driving until they somehow wind up in the middle of the freaking woods and their car breaks down. After walking around for a bit, they stumble upon the home of Dr. Heiter (Dieter Laser), an expert in the field of separating conjoined twins. Heiter isn’t big on the club scene, but he is VERY into roofy-ing gals, being crazy and doing the exact opposite of his job description. When the ladies wake up, Heiter unveils his master plan: stitch them together mouth-to-butt--- along with a totally random third person--- and create a “human centipede!”

Why it stinks: “Human Centipede” is one of those movies--- like the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”--- that has a reputation for being horribly graphic, gory and violent, but in reality isn’t.

Outside of the occasional quick surgery scene, there isn’t a ton of blood and guts in “Centipede.” Very nearly all of its gross-out moments are implied. That leaves the most disgusting part of “Centipede” as the idea behind it.

Seriously, I’m calling WTF on director/writer/producer Tom Six. What kind of idea is attaching people mouth-to-butt? Six better be on some government watch lists for that.

The idea behind the movie is so repulsive, it doesn’t matter most of the movie’s gross parts are left the imagination. They’re still awful to think about. Like what happens when the person at the front of the centipede needs to go number two. We don’t see anything, but you can’t scrub that kind of ickyness out of your brain. And now I pass that gift on to you. Welcome.

I don’t understand what pleasure or enjoyment a person could get from this. There’s not enough gore for a gorehound, it’s not suspenseful enough for thriller fans, it’s not funny or creepy. Nothing. It’s just a 90 minute long movie with a sick premise and nothing else going on.

Six could have covered the same ground in about a five page short story or a single Youtube video.

Instead he went the full-length feature route and as a result his movie is padded within an inch of its life.

Characters do insane things like escape from the doctor, only to return and try to drag their unconscious friend across the man’s front lawn and back into the same woods the pair couldn’t navigate when they were both lucid. Spoiler alert, the plan doesn’t work.

The movie is full of equally dumb escape attempts. At one point the centipede tries to sneak past the doctor while he goes for a swim. You’re three people attached mouth-to-butt you really think he’s so wrapped up in doing laps he won’t notice you? He ain’t no Michael Phelps!

Worse still, Six dilly-dallys along, wasting everyone’s time, until about 40 minutes in before he finally gets around to the actual centipede action.

I use the term action there loosely because there isn’t any action to speak of. Unless you call the aforementioned poop gag action. Oh and the doctor also tries to train his creation to fetch a newspaper. It’s like Animal Planet after dark, I guess.

Eventually some cops materialize out of the blue, but by then it doesn’t matter. The story had long since packed its bags and headed out for some of that fine German beer.

Quick Thoughts

• I don’t know what this says about me, but I found both of our “Jersey Shore”-wannabe leading ladies infinitely more tolerable when they were part of the centipede.
• Is that one gal really wandering in the woods in the rain with giant hooker heels on? No wonder she wasn't picked to be the head.
• To paraphrase the great Jeff Goldblum: "Excuse me uh, you do plan on having human centipedes in your uh human centipede movie, right? Hello?"
• Dieter Laser has a great name and looks like a German Christopher Walken. So it’s not a total loss.
• Spoiler Alert:  So after spending the entire movie brazenly thumbing his nose at the doc, the male member of the centipede randomly gives up right before the credits roll? Really? Garbage. That's garbage writing Six and you know it. 

Worst of the Worst

                Probably the scene where the doctor tricks the girls into thinking he called the car rental agency to get their car fixed. Seems like a reasonable scene except for the part where they never gave him a number to call. What, did he just know that random number off the top of his head? I find it easier to believe three people can live for an indeterminate number of days while attached face-to-pooper.

Pretty sure this is going on Six's tombstone

                So there you go, “The Human Centipede (First Sequence).” Am I man enough to one day endure Tom Six’s sequel “Full Sequence” where he goes apepoop crazy and lovingly embraces the gore and ick he mostly shunned in this film? Only time…

                Bumblebee tuna.