Sunday, January 30, 2011

Battlefield Earth

Credentials
2.4 out of 10, #84 on the Bottom 100 (imdb.com)/ 2% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 9 out of 100 (metacritic.com)
                Nominated for 8 and won 7 Golden Raspberry Awards in 2001, taking home the trophies for Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Actor (John Travolta), Worst Supporting Actor (Barry Pepper), Worst Supporting Actress (Kelly Preston) and Worst On-Screen Couple (Travolta and anyone sharing the screen with him). Won the Razzie for Worst Drama of Our First 25 Years in 2005 and the Razzie for Worst Picture of the Decade in 2010. Travolta was nominated for Worst Actor of the Decade for his performance in the film, but did not win.
                               Battlefield Earth is “a cross between Star Wars and the smell of ass.” Jon Stewart, The Daily Show 

Plot 
                In the year 3000, Earth has been conquered by a dreadlocked alien species that is sadly not the same dreadlocked alien species which once did battle with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Whereas that species liked cloaking devices and wrist-mounted atomic weapons, this one prefers to constantly bicker amongst themselves and erode their power by randomly backstabbing each other. It’s up to one man to pull humanity back from the brink of extinction and lead the charge against their other worldly oppressors. Or he could just sit back and finish letting them self-destruct on their own.


                Thoughts
                I went into Battlefield Earth a very content and jovial young man. My spirits were high. Not only because of the fact that, in a few short hours, I would be basking in the glow of the very best the NHL has to offer. Not just that. You see, last night I got to bask in the glow of the very best that the chain- restaurant world. That’s right, last night i partook of the wonderful Buffalo Chicken Fajitas from Chili’s. If you’ve never experienced this delight, I urge you to indulge. Little bits of bacon on top of a breaded chicken breast, smothered in buffalo sauce served with fajita shells. It’s as if Mr. Winfred Q. Chili himself used his psychic powers to peek inside my mind for the perfect food.
I don’t even remember what I was supposed to be talking about.
Oh right, Battlefield Earth. At first, I was concerned that my pleasant mood might skewer my ratings, but thankfully this movie is so god-awful that it wasn’t an issue. Too poorly acted, poorly written and directed to be called a good movie and too long, plodding and boring to be enjoyed on a campy level, Battlefield Earth literally has nothing going for it.
Travolta hams it up, decked out in a ridiculous wig, silly makeup and pair of platform boots that would make his Saturday Night Fever self green with envy. Normally, Travolta’s overacting would be more than enough to at least make a movie entertaining, but even that isn’t enough to rescue the meandering script, cheesy-but-not-in-a-fun-way special effects and lame supporting cast.
Battlefield Earth allegedly cost $73 million to produce, some of which came out of Travolta’s own pocket as the noted Scientologist sought to bring the novel by the religion’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, to life. Where the money went, is hard to determine. I would guess that roughly half went to the wig budget. The rest of it was either burned or spent on Buffalo Chicken Fajitas for the cast and crew. It certainly wasn’t used for the film’s effects or editing, which both seem to have been done by an eighth grader on Windows Movie Maker. Seriously, how does a $73 million Hollywood movie have jump cuts in it? I made (internet) movies with zero dollar budgets that didn’t have jump cuts!
The movie runs slightly less than two hours, but it only feels like a lifetime. Sometime during the second act, you will start counting down the minutes until it mercifully, thankfully ends. Well before that time, you will also likely wonder just how the malevolent aliens, called Psychlos, were able to conquer Earth in nine minutes and hold on to it for a thousand years. They all seem to hate each other and the only time any of them really interact at all is when they are betraying one and other. How could these clowns possibly coordinate a full scale planetary invasion?
Play-By-Play
:03
Really? It's the year 3000 and horses are STILL carrying humans around. Looks like those horse rights groups aren't doing their job.
:06-
It's Viggo Mortensen's half brother, Mortimer Mortensen!
:07-
I'm confused. Are they supposed to be walking down hill? Why is the camera tilted? 
:22-
Hey look Amy Winehouse is in this movie!
:25- Going to hell? Really? Aliens believe in hell, huh? That’s disappointing.
:44-
Yes even fearsome alien warlords will resort to prat falls.
1:06-
Oh great, a lock of Barry Pepper's hair, just what I've always wanted.
1:18- Big fan of the word “smelt.” More words need an “s” at the front of them. Or should I say, at the sfront of them?
1:20- Wait, what happened to their heavy set companion from earlier? Viggo’s half brother Mortimer survives, but that other guy up and disappears?
1:27- This guy is going to fire his wives? Aliens can do that? Not too shabby.
1:35- Apparently all it takes to mold what is essentially a caveman into a world class fighter pilot is a week in a simulator.
1:44- Is it bad that I had no idea what this dome thing that everyone kept talking about was until they actually blew it up?
1:46-
Geez, for a guy who just had his arm blown off, Travolta is pretty calm.
 1:47- Ah yes, our heroes just blew up the Psychlo home planet, killing innocent alien men, alien women, alien children, alien peace-loving hippies, who are ironically the only ones on the planet without dread locks. Good message sent there Hubbard. If some are evil, blow up the whole group.
1:50
Wow, it's like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, if that movie had sucked...
So there it is… Battlefield Earth.
Bumblebee tuna.     

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The nominees for the 31st Annual Razzie Awards are...

What would a celebration of Hollywood’s best be without mercilessly raking its worst over the coals a few times for laughs?
The nominations for the 31st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards, aka the Razzies, were announced yesterday, celebrating the absolute worst abominations to crawl their way out of the Hollywood sewer under the cover of darkness this past year.   
Hey, it’s all in good fun and best of all no one gets hurt. This year’s ceremony is being dedicated to Judd Apatow’s sense of humor which sadly passed away this year at the tender age of 43. His sense of humor leaves behind a funny bone that no longer serves any purpose other than to get bashed against things and really, really hurt.
Actually I made that up, but just because it’s made up doesn’t make it not true. Or something like that. Team Ricky! Wooo!
M. Night Shyamlan’s latest debacle “The Last Airbender” and the most recent “Twilight” movie, “Eclipse” each scored nine nominations to lead the pack. All Time Razzie King Sly Stallone picked up his world record 31st nomination for his work directing “The Expendables.” For those keeping score at home, Stallone has more than twice as many nominations as his nearest competitor, Kevin Costner.  
   Here’s a rundown of the nominees in some of the year’s biggest categories with my predicted… umm… “winners” underlined.
Worst Picture
·         The Bounty Hunter
·         The Last Airbender
·         Sex and the City 2
·         Eclipse
·         Vampires Suck

Worst Actor
·         Jack Black Gulliver’s Travels
·         Gerard Butler The Bounty Hunter
·         Ashton Kutcher Killers and Valentine’s Day
·         Taylor Lautner Eclipse and Valentine’s Day
·         Robert Pattinson Remember Me and Eclipse

Worst Actress
·         Jennifer Aniston The Bounty Hunter and The Switch
·         Miley Cyrus The Last Song
·         The Four Gal Pals Sex and the City 2
·         Megan Fox Jonah Hex
·         Kristen Stewart Eclipse


Worst Supporting Actor
·         Billy Ray Cyrus The Spy Next Door
·         George Lopez Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door and Valentine’s Day
·         Dev Patel The Last Airbender
·         Jackson Rathbone The Last Airbender and Eclipse
·         Rob Schneider Grown Ups
Worst Supporting Actress
·         Jessica Alba The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day
·         Cher Burlesque
·         Liza Minnelli Sex and the City 2
·         Nicola Peltz The Last Airbender
·         Barbra Streisand Little Fockers

Worst Screen Couple/ Ensemble
·         Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler The Bounty Hunter
·         Josh Brolin’s Face and Megan Fox’s accent Jonah Hex
·         Cast of The Last Airbender
·         Cast of Sex and the City 2
·         Cast of Eclipse
Worst Director
·         Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer Vampires Suck
·         Michael Patrick King Sex and the City 2
·         M. Night Shyamalan The Last Airbender
·         David Slade Eclipse
·         Sly Stallone The Expendables
For a full list of all of this year’s nominees, click here.
The 31st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards will be held on February 26, 2011, at the Barnsdall Gallery Theatre in Hollywood, California. As per Razzies tradition, the nomination ceremony and the awards ceremony each precede their Academy Awards counterpart by one day.
                Bumblebee tuna.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Gigli

Credentials
2.4 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 7% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 18 out of 100 (metacritic.com).
 Nominated for NINE Razzies and won SIX at the 24th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Became the first film ever to take home all of the “top” Razzie Awards by winning Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Ben Affleck), Worst Actress (Jennifer Lopez), Worst Screen Couple (Affleck & Lopez), Worst Screenplay and Worst Director (both by Martin Brest, who also co-produced it). The following year it was named “Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Years” by the Golden Raspberry Awards.
Plot
A bad-tempered, horribly ineffective mobster (with a heart of gold!) named Gigli (Affleck) kidnaps the mentally-handicapped brother (Justin Bartha) of a high ranking judge for some reason. Along the way, he gets saddled with a partner (Jennifer Lopez) to help him suck less at his job. Turns out that she’s good-natured (yes), allegedly effective (but really not) and a lesbian (sorta?). Soon they all become best pals and 90 minutes later the movie ends and nothing gets resolved.
Thoughts
Oh “Gigli!” The movie that sent J-Lo to TV, forced Ben Affleck behind the camera and somehow landed Justin Bartha a gig in the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, “The Hangover.” Don’t remember him? That’s because he played the fourth friend, you know, the guy who gets (SPOILER ALERT) locked on the roof and forgotten about while his friends go out and recap the craziest night of their lives.
           So what’s wrong with “Gigli?” For starters the story is a mess and the laughs are few and far between. As I mentioned earlier, nothing really gets resolved by the time the credits roll. Things just happen occasionally, a main character gets inexplicably shot in the head and we all just sort of move on. The guy responsible for this, who is supposed to be some sort of threat, is easily outsmarted and we all just sort of move on. The characters all become best friends and then some for… you guessed it… some reason! J-Lo’s tough as nails lesbian falls for Affleck’s… hair gel and spray tan? I’m not sure what else he bought to the role, I’m sorry. Maybe it was his character’s homosexual undertones that came very close to becoming overtones. Either way, if I was a lesbian, this would offend the crap out of me.
And how about that acting! Affleck’s tough guy with a heart of gold is sort of a huge jerk for long stretches of the movie, occasionally becoming massively unlikable. This is a problem. His New York accent is spotty, which is fine because he’s not from there. J-Lo, on the other hand, was born in New York and made a living selling a certain image of herself and yet the accent sounds like it belongs to a cartoon mob boss. What up with that?
Justin Bartha clearly prepared for his role by locking himself in a dark, windowless room and watching Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” over and over again. He must have worn out several DVDs because I kept waiting for that pivotal scene where he climbs a water tower and someone asks “Where’s Arnie?”       
The acting’s not all bad thanks to the great Christopher Walken who literally stops by for a cup of coffee while going on and on about pie.
 Another legend, Al Pacino, shows up briefly with a crazy hair do and shouts a lot. You know, the usual.
Someone should have taken the shears to this movie because it does not need to be two hours long. There are long, self-aggrandizing scenes where we’re supposed to look at the stars and say: “oh how cute!” J-Lo gives as painfully long speech selling the values of lesbianism while doing yoga in front of a stone-faced Affleck. It’s as if the plot went out for coffee with Walken for 10 minutes.     
Play-By-Play
:13- This comedy is really depressing the hell out of me. Isn’t that the very definition of epic fail?
:15-
 
This is exactly how normal people behave when they ask to use a stranger's telephone, right?

:33-

The movie just got so much better...
:36- Altruism? Absconded? It sounds like the whole script was written using a “Word of the Day” calendar.
:37- Walken’s big speech about pies is insane, even by his standards and it almost makes the movie worth watching. Almost.

:38
And there it goes...
:44- So you do plan on having some comedy in you comedy movie? Right? Hello?
:58- Has anyone seen the plot? I feel like it was here a few minutes ago and then J-Lo started doing yoga and everything stopped moving…
1:06-
J-Lo just stepped out of the shower here and yet bone dry! I think someone needs to call a plumber...
1:13-
Somehow I don't think that a plastic knife would be very good at cutting off a person's finger... 
1:33-  

Shouting and acting are NOT the same thing Al! Also, notice how the number of tabs I have open increases as the movie goes along?

And now for another round of What Up With Ben Affleck?








               Ladies and gentlemen, Bennifers if you please: “Gigli.” Can I also say this? People don’t like movies with confusing or hard to pronounce titles. It really kills the word of mouth when you spend 10 minutes dancing around the plot because you can’t remember if the title is pronounced “jiggly” or not.
              
               And now for a little Christopher Walken to take us home. Keep in mind that this somehow manages to make less sense if you see it in context in the movie.
                Bumblebee tuna.

Monday, January 17, 2011

"Troll 2"

Credentials:
0% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 2.2 out of 10, #62 on list of 100 lowest rated films (imdb.com)/ Subject of the 2009 documentary “Best Worst Movie”
Plot:
A kid battles goblins and tries to avoid getting turned into a plant with the help of his deceased grandfather all while on a family vacation so nightmarish that you half expect Chevy Chase to show up.

Thoughts:
There are two things wrong with the title of this movie:
 1) The movie contains NO trolls whatsoever, only goblins.
 2) The movie has NOTHING to do with the film “Troll” (1986) other than the fact that producers wanted to capitalize on its success.
                “Troll 2” is the kind of movie that “The Cheese List” was made for. The director, actors, writers, effects and costume departments all seem to be locked in a competition to out-suck each other. Who wins? Surprisingly, the audience. As bad as “Troll 2” is, it is an absolute unintentional hoot to watch.   
                The movie opens with a family swapping lives and homes with another family for a month. The farmers head to the city, while our heroes the city folk head to the country. So if the movie itself wasn’t bad enough, we can also blame every episode of “Wife Swap” on it as well. Never mind that this plan makes no sense, that having a family of strangers live in your house for a month is beyond creepy and seems like an invitation for untold amounts of theft. Plus, the farmers are entrusting their livelihood to a bunch of city-dwellers who probably think John Deere was a Nicholas Sparks book. Never mind that the timeline on that joke makes no sense, just go with it. Anywho, it’s not a good thing if your movie is about trolls, ummm… I mean goblins, and I’m already suspending my disbelief before a single dollar store mask and burlap sack wearin’ critter shows up.
                The free fall continues once the family gets to the subtly-named town of Nilbog. Get it? If you do, that puts you exactly 45 minutes ahead of anyone in the movie.  “Troll 2” contains that illusive combination of both over AND underacting that scientists once thought could not exist on the same strip of film. One memorable scene pits the Ambien-mannered matriarch of the family (Margo Prey) against the manic, scenery-devouring, atomic energy of goblin queen Creedence Lenore Gielgud (Deborah Reed).
                The film’s conclusion is so laughable that if I described what happens you wouldn’t believe me. I promise you that you will never underestimate the unholy power of boloney sandwiches again. Never.
                 Play-By-Play
:04- Interspecies seduction? People being eaten alive? The word voracity? What kind of crazy ass bed time story is this?
:06- Johnny Depp alert! Who cares if it was just a poster it counts!!
:10- These two are just like Romeo and Juliet… if Romeo and Juliet were both horrible actors
:12- I can’t tell if the actors are being held back by an unfathomably bad script or if the script is being trashed by laughably bad actors. Who is the real victim here?

I think the one on the far right looks like Stump from that episode of "Angry Beavers"


:21- So the grandfather’s ghost can freeze time? Since when could ghosts do that?
:24- Good plan dad, challenge your son to see who can go longer without eating. That’ll teach him some damn respect!
:29- To answer my earlier question, I think they are all to blame equally
:36- So the grandfather’s ghost can stop time, but he can’t figure out which bedroom belongs to the boy and which belongs to the girl? That’s beyond his power?
:40- The characters in this movie have an annoying habit of awkwardly identifying themselves (“me, his daughter”)
:46-  
It's so hot! Milk was a bad choice!

:54- I guess playboy meant dork back in 1990
:57-

Don't fret?! Your friend is turning into a giant plant and your only advice to him is not to fret!?!


1:03- Where the heck did the ghost find the ax and the Molotov cocktail?
1:04- Listen Grandpa, do you really need the fire extinguisher to create a distraction? Don’t you think your very appearance would accomplish that, considering you’re, you know, dead?
1:11- Is this guy at all concerned that his three friends have been missing all day?
1:19- Grandpa Seth. You don’t hear about a ton of Grandpa Seth’s. Not really an old guy name, like there aren’t any Grandma Krystal’s or baby Wilbur’s.
1:23-

That's right buddy. Discreetly use your new girlfriend as a human shield. Classy...

1:24-

I've had dreams like this. At least he's going to go out doing what he loved: drowning in popcorn.

1:26-

If only I had a dime for everytime a boloney sandwhich saved the day...


1:30- “They’re eating my mom!” What happened, kid? Did you suddenly become the movie’s narrator? We’re all looking at the same thing you are. A better exclamation would have been: “Stop eating my mom!” or how about an old fashioned: “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”
                Lastly, I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't mention this little ditty, fully showcasing the film's, how should I put it, cheesy sensibilities.
 

And for my Spanish-speaking readers...


                So there it is: “Troll 2.” I’m still working on tracking down some of your recommendations, but keep them coming in anyway. Bumblebee tuna.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

"Catwoman"

Credentials 

10% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 27 out of 100 (metacritic.com)/ 3.2 out of 10 (imdb.com), Nominated for 7 Razzies, won 4 (Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay)



“I’m pretty sure that an actual cat could have made a better movie.” – Joe Lozito, Big Picture Big Sound
Plot
                Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a super-hot aspiring artist who we are all supposed to pretend is a plain, drab and unappealing aspiring artist. Finds herself dead after she accidentally uncovers some shady cooperate goings on, but luckily for her she recently met a stray cat. As we all know cats can bring people back from the dead and so Patience gets a second chance to live her life, bed Benjamin Bratt and maybe even get back at those who wronged her.

Thoughts
                I decided to get into the spirit of today’s football festivities by holding my own personal Wing Bowl. Just me, a stack of napkins and a 20 piece order of KFC’s Fiery Buffalo style wings. Sadly, they weren’t my beloved boneless wings because apparently KFC decided that perfection had no place on its menu. In any case, there is no way to describe the regret that my stomach feels at this moment, but I can promise you that I enjoyed myself at the time.
                That really has nothing to do with “Catwoman” at all, but I thought it shed some light upon my mental state as I write this and I am a man who believes passionately in full disclosure. I keep no secrets from you, my internet friends.     
                Anyway, “Catwoman” is a hyper-stylized, fancy-lookin’ mess. The movie is basically “The Crow,” if “The Crow” had been produced by hormone-addled teenage boys. Look no further than Halle Berry’s er… costume or lack thereof… for proof of that. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just stating a fact.
The film’s director, a character by the name of Pitof, made his bones in Hollywood working as a visual effects artist and it um… kinda shows. The man is a big fan of computer effects, so much so that not even something as commonplace and accessible as a household pet can escape his relentless use of CG.
If only half as much attention had been paid to the script or to the actors. Its “script,” for lack of a better term, consists mostly of horrible cat puns and sexual innuendos. Also, there’s a throw away romance between Catwoman and the cop who’s chasing her and a light dusting of painfully out-of-place feminism sprinkled in for good measure. I’m not saying that I completely agree with Joe Lozito’s assessment from above, but it would be a close contest.
At least Halle Berry seems to be enjoying herself, but she ends up getting lost, literally, in a wave of computer effect and splitting her screen time with a computerized version of herself for most of the big fight scenes. When, oh when will people realize that practical effects are the way to go? CG should only be used when absolutely necessary!
Play-by-play
:01- Ok, we’re a minute in and not even done with the credits yet and the words “how” and
“cute” have already crossed my mind about a dozen times. So many kitties!
:02- The director is really named “Pitof?” Really? What is he, the European version of Cher?
:03- Yeah, right. When I think of Halle Berry, I think unremarkable. Sure…
:07- Pitof, Michael Mann wants his camera work back
:13- How come everybody in the office is wearing the EXACT same clothes as they were
yesterday?
:14- Subtle Miss Swan (from Mad TV), subtle. Who thought casting her was a good idea?
:15- Too much style… brain…shutting down… no substance…
:18- Apparently one unlocked door and one short hallway weren’t enough security to keep your company’s billion dollar secret safe. Who would have thought?
:22- Reason #1036 Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs: Cats can raise the dead. Take that Lassie!
:24- The presence of Michael Massee only confirms that this is a sad rip off of “The Crow”
:28- Ah yes the clichĂ©d, “have your heroine play with catnip” sequence
:29- Yeah, clap it up you cowards, you all still have your jobs
:33- It seems that she’s acquired a cat’s natural basketball ability. I think Michael Jordan’s great, great aunt was a Tabby
:42- Reason #10,567 Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs: Cats know Kung Fu
:43- One of a kind jewel, eh? You would think that having something that valuable would lead your store to install some security cameras or an alarm, but apparently not
:45- We saw this part already, Pitof. Remember the opening credits?
:46- I’m sure that the reason you didn’t get tenure was because you were a woman. The fact that you are an insane cat lady definitely had nothing to do with it. Definitely.
:47- Cat-women? I hope that’s not you sniffing around for a sequel Pitof
:49- So that cat can bring her back to life and restore all of her memories EXCEPT for the most important ones? You know, why she died, who killed her, that sort of stuff?
:50- I reiterate: Halle Berry, totally unremarkable. Nope, nothing special about this girl
:55- Miss Swan, please in the name of all that is good and holy, go away
:56- @Rehab Clinics- stop wasting all this money treating drug addicts. Just dump their stash in a nearby trashcan and everything should be fine
:59- Mother of the Year candidate! What a great plan to send your kid on the creepy carny ride all by himself.
1:13- What is she talking into right now, a cell phone or a video phone? I think it’s the latter, which means that Sharon Stone is currently being treated to an extreme close up of Halle Berry’s inner ear
1:15- I feel like this character, a former model who turns 40 and is then forgotten about, hits a little too close to home for Sharon Stone
1:16- Finally an alarm! Wow, come on cops. What was that response time, like .7 seconds? You’ll never get called up to the big city with times like that.
1:22- I feel like this movie thinks that cats are invincible. Yes cats will usually land on their feet, but that doesn’t mean they can hurl themselves off of the top of a skyscraper and walk away unharmed
1:26- This company needs to hire more than two evil henchmen.
1:31- So now you DON’T want to kill her? I mean you kicked her out of a window. What did you think was going to happen?
1:33- “Bad as I wanna be.” You know your script sucks if you’re stealing lines from Dennis Rodman
There you have it. The Pitof modern masterpiece: “Catwoman.” Way to ruin a classic comic book character you hack. Go back to CGing blades of grass where you belong!
Bumblebee tuna.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

"Bride of the Monster" (1955)

Credentials:
3.7/10 (imdb.com)/ 38%- Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ Directed by Edward D. Wood Jr. a.k.a “The Worst Director of All Time)
Plot:
                Mad Scientist Dr. Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi) plots to create an army of atomic supermen to use against those who have wronged him. He is aided in this quest by a mutant octopus (puppet/ stock footage) and a bald Tarzan-wannabe (Tor Johnson). A female reporter (Loretta King) ends up hot on his trail after a series of mysterious murders occur around his sweet swamp-front lair. Interesting bit of backstory: Vornoff made the Loch Ness Monster. Busy dude.
Thoughts:
                The first of what will likely be many films directed by Ed Wood to turn up on this list. “Bride of the Monster” may not be as… umm… “celebrated” as some of Wood’s other notorious catastrophes (“Plan 9 From Outer Space” for example), but it still features the same recipe of atrocious acting mixed with cringe-worthy writing and zero production values. 
                Even by 1955 standards the special effects featured in “Bride of the Monster” are horrible. The possibly titular monster, a large and very obvious octopus puppet, sits lifelessly in a medium-sized puddle of water posing as a lake.  Every now and again an actor will hop into the beast’s barely ankle deep home and trash about madly as if they were being killed by it. Ed Wood famously (according to Tim Burton) forgot to acquire a motor for the creature and thus it was up to the actors to make the monster’s tentacles appear to move. Sadly, his actors had enough trouble appearing to be alive and vibrant themselves, so how could they really be expected to imbue these characteristics on a fake cephalopod?
                Bela Lugosi is the best of a bad lot as far as the film’s cast goes. Even poor Bela isn’t up to snuff in this movie, as his real life struggle with drug addiction seemed to be taking a toll. The worst performance in the movie, if I had to pick just one, comes from Tony McCoy as the bumbling Lt. Craig who mysteriously loses his shirt during the film’s climax. He’s stiff, emotionless and also listed as an Associate Producer, which means he must have paid a decent amount to get that leading role.  The dangerous and ugly combination of McCoy’s “acting” and Wood’s “dialogue” comes to a head when at one point McCoy threatens to take his fiancĂ© “over his knee” as punishment for some wrongdoing. There is no way to properly describe the awkwardness of that moment, other than to say that when it occurred, my brain added in its own “losing on ‘The Price is Right’” sound effect.
                All that said, it is really impossible to completely hate an Ed Wood movie. The man’s passion for what he did still oozes through the screen. He clearly loved making movies, even though he clearly had no talent for it whatsoever. I can respect his unrelenting ability to turn a blind eye on the obvious and keep pursuing his dream to become the next Orson Welles.  Wood’s movies may have been the driving force behind the “so bad they’re good” school of thought.
You just try to sit down and watch an Ed Wood movie without having a good time. Sure, it may not be for the reasons that Wood intended, but so what? Fun is fun and “Bride of the Monster” is just that.
Notes:
:01- “It sure ain’t natural!” I can’t tell if he’s talking about the rain storm or his acting… or the script?
:02- What do newspapers know anyway? They’re all going to be out of business soon. You just go right to the creepy house in the swamp if you want!
:03- How many front doors does this house have?
:04- That is one dead octopus… puppet.
:06- Dear God! That motionless octopus is staring that man to death!
:07- Hold the phone. If the octopus is the monster, does that mean someone is going to marry the octopus? I thought human/puppet marriages were illegal in the 50’s? Not anymore though… yeah! I mean… yeah.
:10- Why are you amazed that the octopus never leaves the lake? He’s an octopus, where’s he going to go, Detroit?
:12- Who you calling “boy” mister? That guy is at least 153 years old. He looks like he’s about to shout: “there’s gold in them thar hills,” kick his heels and tear off towards Calyforney.
:13- @ Ed Wood. Head’s up the camera is still rolling. You may want to throw a cut in here unless this scene of a large man staring at a wall and then helping himself to a glass of water is symbolic for something.     
:17- I guess there weren’t any laws in the 50’s regarding tampering with evidence.
:24- Creepy chauvinism alert!
:26- Sure. If severe shock is doctor speak for being menaced by a large rubber snake, then yes, that is exactly what she’s suffering from.  
:28- Nothing more unnatural then wind and rain. Good call Mr. Wood.
:28- Quick sand would kill you and your whole family if it ever got the chance…
:31- The large bird perched on the police chief’s shoulder takes away from some of the emotional impact of this scene.
:33- The kitchenette really makes the secret laboratory seem so much more homely
:36- Dr. Vornoff went on to invent roofies after his hypnotizing hand was overtaken by a vicious case of arthritis
:37- Both front doors have been breached! I knew you should have installed a third!
:43- The octopus puppet seems totally disinterested in this whole situation. Also, wasn’t that door a window earlier?
:45- I’m taking bets on whether or not the cop’s waist line ends up near his ears by movie’s end. Fred Mertz, eat your heart out!
:47- How many bullets can this guy’s revolver hold and why can’t he seem to hit the world’s fattest, slowest moving alligator?
:48- I guess the bird is back at Headquarters running the show while the Chief is off hitting on this chick
:50- So she’s the one that’s going to marry the octopus?
:51- I think Lugosi is whipping his helper with that rubber snake from earlier
:52- Worst secret passage ever! Why don’t you just put a friggin’ neon sign on it
:54- So no one can hear the 400lbs ex-wrestler sneaking up on them?
:57- Amazing. 5 shots point blank to the face and chest and still not a scratch on him. Tor Johnson must have a hide like a Rhino
:59- Well if the gun didn’t work I’m sure your fist will do the trick
1:03- Careful, Tor Johnson almost knocked the whole set over
1:03-Woah! Gratuitous male nudity alert! How did stud muffin there manage to rip his shirt?
1:04- Can someone tell this guy how shirts work?
1:08- 68 minute runtime. Glad you didn’t overexert yourself there Eddie.

                So there it is, “Bride of the Monster.” Sorry for the delay in getting to your requests. Sadly, none of them are available to stream off of Netflix instantly Watch or to easily steal… er… borrow off various websites. Once I get ahold of the disks though, we’ll motor on through them.
                Bumblebee tuna.