Gigli

Credentials

2.4 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 7% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 18 out of 100 (metacritic.com).

 Nominated for NINE Razzies and won SIX at the 24^th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards. Became the first film ever to take home all of the “top” Razzie Awards by winning Worst Picture, Worst Actor (Ben Affleck), Worst Actress (Jennifer Lopez), Worst Screen Couple (Affleck & Lopez), Worst Screenplay and Worst Director (both by Martin Brest, who also co-produced it). The following year it was named “Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Years” by the Golden Raspberry Awards.

Plot

A bad-tempered, horribly ineffective mobster (with a heart of gold!) named Gigli (Affleck) kidnaps the mentally-handicapped brother (Justin Bartha) of a high ranking judge for some reason. Along the way, he gets saddled with a partner (Jennifer Lopez) to help him suck less at his job. Turns out that she’s good-natured (yes), allegedly effective (but really not) and a lesbian (sorta?). Soon they all become best pals and 90 minutes later the movie ends and nothing gets resolved.

Thoughts

Oh “Gigli!” The movie that sent J-Lo to TV, forced Ben Affleck behind the camera and somehow landed Justin Bartha a gig in the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time, “The Hangover.” Don’t remember him? That’s because he played the fourth friend, you know, the guy who gets (SPOILER ALERT) locked on the roof and forgotten about while his friends go out and recap the craziest night of their lives.

           So what’s wrong with “Gigli?” For starters the story is a mess and the laughs are few and far between. As I mentioned earlier, nothing really gets resolved by the time the credits roll. Things just happen occasionally, a main character gets inexplicably shot in the head and we all just sort of move on. The guy responsible for this, who is supposed to be some sort of threat, is easily outsmarted and we all just sort of move on. The characters all become best friends and then some for… you guessed it… some reason! J-Lo’s tough as nails lesbian falls for Affleck’s… hair gel and spray tan? I’m not sure what else he bought to the role, I’m sorry. Maybe it was his character’s homosexual undertones that came very close to becoming overtones. Either way, if I was a lesbian, this would offend the crap out of me.

And how about that acting! Affleck’s tough guy with a heart of gold is sort of a huge jerk for long stretches of the movie, occasionally becoming massively unlikable. This is a problem. His New York accent is spotty, which is fine because he’s not from there. J-Lo, on the other hand, was born in New York and made a living selling a certain image of herself and yet the accent sounds like it belongs to a cartoon mob boss. What up with that?

Justin Bartha clearly prepared for his role by locking himself in a dark, windowless room and watching Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” over and over again. He must have worn out several DVDs because I kept waiting for that pivotal scene where he climbs a water tower and someone asks “Where’s Arnie?”       

The acting’s not all bad thanks to the great Christopher Walken who literally stops by for a cup of coffee while going on and on about pie.

 Another legend, Al Pacino, shows up briefly with a crazy hair do and shouts a lot. You know, the usual.

Someone should have taken the shears to this movie because it does not need to be two hours long. There are long, self-aggrandizing scenes where we’re supposed to look at the stars and say: “oh how cute!” J-Lo gives as painfully long speech selling the values of lesbianism while doing yoga in front of a stone-faced Affleck. It’s as if the plot went out for coffee with Walken for 10 minutes.     

Play-By-Play

:13- This comedy is really depressing the hell out of me. Isn’t that the very definition of epic fail?

:15-

 

This is exactly how normal people behave when they ask to use a stranger's telephone, right?



:33-

The movie just got so much better...

:36- Altruism? Absconded? It sounds like the whole script was written using a “Word of the Day” calendar.

:37- Walken’s big speech about pies is insane, even by his standards and it almost makes the movie worth watching. Almost.

:38

And there it goes...

:44- So you do plan on having some comedy in you comedy movie? Right? Hello?

:58- Has anyone seen the plot? I feel like it was here a few minutes ago and then J-Lo started doing yoga and everything stopped moving…

1:06-

J-Lo just stepped out of the shower here and yet bone dry! I think someone needs to call a plumber...

1:13-

Somehow I don't think that a plastic knife would be very good at cutting off a person's finger... 

1:33-  



Shouting and acting are NOT the same thing Al! Also, notice how the number of tabs I have open increases as the movie goes along?



And now for another round of What Up With Ben Affleck?

               Ladies and gentlemen, Bennifers if you please: “Gigli.” Can I also say this? People don’t like movies with confusing or hard to pronounce titles. It really kills the word of mouth when you spend 10 minutes dancing around the plot because you can’t remember if the title is pronounced “jiggly” or not.
              
               And now for a little Christopher Walken to take us home. Keep in mind that this somehow manages to make less sense if you see it in context in the movie.

                Bumblebee tuna.