Sunday, January 9, 2011



10% Certified Rotten ( 27 out of 100 ( 3.2 out of 10 (, Nominated for 7 Razzies, won 4 (Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay)

“I’m pretty sure that an actual cat could have made a better movie.” – Joe Lozito, Big Picture Big Sound
                Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a super-hot aspiring artist who we are all supposed to pretend is a plain, drab and unappealing aspiring artist. Finds herself dead after she accidentally uncovers some shady cooperate goings on, but luckily for her she recently met a stray cat. As we all know cats can bring people back from the dead and so Patience gets a second chance to live her life, bed Benjamin Bratt and maybe even get back at those who wronged her.

                I decided to get into the spirit of today’s football festivities by holding my own personal Wing Bowl. Just me, a stack of napkins and a 20 piece order of KFC’s Fiery Buffalo style wings. Sadly, they weren’t my beloved boneless wings because apparently KFC decided that perfection had no place on its menu. In any case, there is no way to describe the regret that my stomach feels at this moment, but I can promise you that I enjoyed myself at the time.
                That really has nothing to do with “Catwoman” at all, but I thought it shed some light upon my mental state as I write this and I am a man who believes passionately in full disclosure. I keep no secrets from you, my internet friends.     
                Anyway, “Catwoman” is a hyper-stylized, fancy-lookin’ mess. The movie is basically “The Crow,” if “The Crow” had been produced by hormone-addled teenage boys. Look no further than Halle Berry’s er… costume or lack thereof… for proof of that. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just stating a fact.
The film’s director, a character by the name of Pitof, made his bones in Hollywood working as a visual effects artist and it um… kinda shows. The man is a big fan of computer effects, so much so that not even something as commonplace and accessible as a household pet can escape his relentless use of CG.
If only half as much attention had been paid to the script or to the actors. Its “script,” for lack of a better term, consists mostly of horrible cat puns and sexual innuendos. Also, there’s a throw away romance between Catwoman and the cop who’s chasing her and a light dusting of painfully out-of-place feminism sprinkled in for good measure. I’m not saying that I completely agree with Joe Lozito’s assessment from above, but it would be a close contest.
At least Halle Berry seems to be enjoying herself, but she ends up getting lost, literally, in a wave of computer effect and splitting her screen time with a computerized version of herself for most of the big fight scenes. When, oh when will people realize that practical effects are the way to go? CG should only be used when absolutely necessary!
:01- Ok, we’re a minute in and not even done with the credits yet and the words “how” and
“cute” have already crossed my mind about a dozen times. So many kitties!
:02- The director is really named “Pitof?” Really? What is he, the European version of Cher?
:03- Yeah, right. When I think of Halle Berry, I think unremarkable. Sure…
:07- Pitof, Michael Mann wants his camera work back
:13- How come everybody in the office is wearing the EXACT same clothes as they were
:14- Subtle Miss Swan (from Mad TV), subtle. Who thought casting her was a good idea?
:15- Too much style… brain…shutting down… no substance…
:18- Apparently one unlocked door and one short hallway weren’t enough security to keep your company’s billion dollar secret safe. Who would have thought?
:22- Reason #1036 Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs: Cats can raise the dead. Take that Lassie!
:24- The presence of Michael Massee only confirms that this is a sad rip off of “The Crow”
:28- Ah yes the clichéd, “have your heroine play with catnip” sequence
:29- Yeah, clap it up you cowards, you all still have your jobs
:33- It seems that she’s acquired a cat’s natural basketball ability. I think Michael Jordan’s great, great aunt was a Tabby
:42- Reason #10,567 Why Cats Are Better Than Dogs: Cats know Kung Fu
:43- One of a kind jewel, eh? You would think that having something that valuable would lead your store to install some security cameras or an alarm, but apparently not
:45- We saw this part already, Pitof. Remember the opening credits?
:46- I’m sure that the reason you didn’t get tenure was because you were a woman. The fact that you are an insane cat lady definitely had nothing to do with it. Definitely.
:47- Cat-women? I hope that’s not you sniffing around for a sequel Pitof
:49- So that cat can bring her back to life and restore all of her memories EXCEPT for the most important ones? You know, why she died, who killed her, that sort of stuff?
:50- I reiterate: Halle Berry, totally unremarkable. Nope, nothing special about this girl
:55- Miss Swan, please in the name of all that is good and holy, go away
:56- @Rehab Clinics- stop wasting all this money treating drug addicts. Just dump their stash in a nearby trashcan and everything should be fine
:59- Mother of the Year candidate! What a great plan to send your kid on the creepy carny ride all by himself.
1:13- What is she talking into right now, a cell phone or a video phone? I think it’s the latter, which means that Sharon Stone is currently being treated to an extreme close up of Halle Berry’s inner ear
1:15- I feel like this character, a former model who turns 40 and is then forgotten about, hits a little too close to home for Sharon Stone
1:16- Finally an alarm! Wow, come on cops. What was that response time, like .7 seconds? You’ll never get called up to the big city with times like that.
1:22- I feel like this movie thinks that cats are invincible. Yes cats will usually land on their feet, but that doesn’t mean they can hurl themselves off of the top of a skyscraper and walk away unharmed
1:26- This company needs to hire more than two evil henchmen.
1:31- So now you DON’T want to kill her? I mean you kicked her out of a window. What did you think was going to happen?
1:33- “Bad as I wanna be.” You know your script sucks if you’re stealing lines from Dennis Rodman
There you have it. The Pitof modern masterpiece: “Catwoman.” Way to ruin a classic comic book character you hack. Go back to CGing blades of grass where you belong!
Bumblebee tuna.

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