Saturday, January 1, 2011

Revamped ratings system, plus some holiday hangover thoughts

Happy New Year.
                Take special note of the period at the end of that statement. Is there a more depressing holiday than New Year’s Day? With all of the fun and excitement of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve firmly planted in the rear view, there’s nothing left to do but clean up a metric ton of confetti and nurse a national hangover so immense that it would make Bradley Cooper proud.
                Now that all of these holiday distractions are over, I guess for me it’s time to get back to attempting to make something of my life. Awesome.
                But hold on a minute. Maybe I’m being a little too glass half empty about this whole thing. After all, January is the month where Hollywood pulls a Dave Matthews Band and dumps it's crap all over an unsuspecting public. For a guy writing about bad movies, January could almost be considered a month-long Christmas.
                And don’t look now, but a little someone called Nic Cage has a brand new movie, “Season of the Witch,” due in theater this month! We’ve all seen how bad Cage’s movies can be when studios actually expect something from them, but this one? With zero expectations from the suits AND a title stolen from the worst film in the “Halloween” franchise?
                Maybe January won’t be all bad after all. In fact, it has the potential to be so bad it’s good. There, I’ve cheered myself up! On to some business.
                The checklist is over. I don’t know how, but it has somehow ended being both confusingly specific and eerily vague.  At the same time. That is what I get for trying to dabble in formulas and adding. Things that I have no knowledge of. So now I present to you my new ratings system, with only minimal formulas!
                Candidates will be graded with the following scale:
                *: This isn’t so bad
                **: Umm… could be worse
                ***: Gettin’ ugly
                ****: I’m nauseous, I’m nauseous
                *****: Dear God make it stop!
Those grades will be applied in these categories:                 
  • Acting
  • Story
  • Production (Effects, budget, direction, ect.)
  • Intangibles
  • Grade Point Average (Average of all previous grades)
Here’s the rub. In the Intangibles category, films will be awarded a lower point score if they fall into the “so bad, they’re good” or “cult classic” range. After all, the Worst Movie of All Time shouldn’t be one that you enjoy on any level.
Let’s make use of our dear friend, “Black Christmas (2006)” to better illustrate the new, no nonsense scale.
  • Acting: *** (middle of the road score)
  • Story: **** (very bad)
  • Production: ** (this aspect was actually ok-ish)
  • Intangibles: *** (some hardcore gore hounds could find enjoyment, plus it was good for a few laughs, hardly a cult classic)
  • GPA: *** (average of the above)
So there it is. Hopefully this makes some form of sense. My head is still swimming with the prospect of seeing Nic Cage and his crazy hair doing battle with a witch during the Crusades on January 7th. I’ll be back later on as a new contender steps into the ring, looking to be crowned the “Worst Movie of All Time!”
Bumblebee tuna.   

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