More on Halloween II (2009)

And now, Rob Zombie presents "The Lord of the Rings."




Walkin'



Still walkin'



Which way should we go now?



Good choice



Hmm... what's this place?



BATTLE!



Whew! Glad that's over with.



While I’ve got you on the line, let me add this: Horror filmmakers of the world, stop trying to sell us stuff we’ve already bought into.

                In “Halloween II” Rob Zombie spells out in crystal clear letters exactly why Myers wants to kill Laurie. The end result is a bunch of goofy shots of a grown man, a grown woman, a small child and Mr. Ed’s pastier cousin.

                How about this? Michael Myers wants to kill his sister because he’s crazy and he already killed the other one. Done! Stop selling! Audiences are already on board with that idea. How do I know? Because that’s exactly what the original “Halloween II” was about.

                By giving his leading monster too much motivation, Zombie falls into the same dumb trap that snared “Halloween” 4-6. And “Jason Goes to Hell.” And basically every “Nightmare on Elm Street” sequel.

                Look, I’ve accepted Jason Voorhees is an unstoppable killing machine. I’m good with that. I don’t need you to tell me the reason he can’t be stopped is because he’s a body-hopping demon. And save your mumbo jumbo about Freddy Krueger trying to be reborn or have kids. I just want to watch him haunt dreams. Once that gets old, move on to a new franchise.

                Michael, Freddy, Jason. Whoever. They don’t need any motivation past the desire to mow down a bunch of attractive teenagers. It’s all we, as horror fans, have ever asked for.

                Bumblebee tuna.

Date Movie

Credentials: “From 2 of the 6 writers of ‘Scary Movie’”

In case you need more: 6% certified rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 2.6 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 11 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot: Alyson Hannigan dons a fat suit, falls in love with a guy and they get hitched. Along the way they stumble through enough random pop culture references and poop jokes to fill an entire season of “Family Guy.”

Thoughts

Here’s a sad revelation: I’ve now seen “Date Movie” more times than I’ve seen “Schindler’s List.”

I was one of those wretched souls who saw “Date Movie” in theaters. I would tell you that it wasn’t my idea--- it wasn’t--- but, I can’t prove it. Please, for the love of god, take my word. I would have rather spent the evening with a bad case of food poisoning. Or watching that tape from “The Ring” that kills you in seven days.

Either would have been more enjoyable than “Date Movie.”

             And now, as the only person on the planet who can say they’ve seen it twice, let me assure you that it doesn’t get better the second time. No sir. Somehow it was worse.

             To call “Date Movie” a spoof movie isn’t exactly accurate. Or fair to real spoof movies like “Airplane” and “Naked Gun.” A true spoof takes movie clichés and pokes fun at them.

“Date Movie” just steals jokes from other (better) movies and amps up the gross out factor. Basically you end up watching a bunch of jokes that you’ve seen before, only now they’re not funny. And they make you want to throw up.

But, to be perfectly fair to “Date Movie,” at 23 I’m a little bit past its target demographic. Heck, I was too old for “Date Movie” when I first saw it five years ago. The intended audience for a movie (I use that term loosely) like this thinks Justin Bieber invented pop music and can’t remember a time when the Phillies sucked.

The only bright spot in this whole dreary affair is the wonderful Eddie Griffin. Horrible screenwriters everywhere should be lining up outside of Griffin’s door. He can make almost anything funny with a well-timed crazy-eyed stare. He can only do so much, but without him, I’m not sure I would have made it.   

 Crude for the sake of crude and painfully unfunny, “Date Movie” ends up drowning under its own pop culture references and borrowed gags.

Twice is bad enough. If I end up watching this a third time, it can only mean something has gone horribly, horribly wrong with my life.

Breakdown:

:00-

I can't believe I'm going to do this again...

:01-

From the Tyler Perry School of Filmmaking: fat suits make everything funny

:22-



This lasted for well over a minute and a half.



:25-



Beastiality AND necrophilia in the same joke! If only they could have worked in incest it would have been a Taseteless Triple Crown



:28-



Best scene of the movie. Not even scene really. Just this picture. Hilarious.

  

:59-



Beastiality Gag #2



1:10-



Beastiality Gag: #3



1:11-

Ah yes. Where ever crappy comedy resides, a Meyers brother musn't be far away



1:13-

In case you're keeping score at home, this movie was 73 minutes long. 71 and a half if you cut out the cat pooping scene



                So there you have it: “Date Movie!” God, I can't believe I've got all of those pictures saved on my computer. The FBI will probably put me on some sort of watch list for this.

                Bumblebee tuna.