Monday, April 23, 2012

Review: The Final Sacrifice (Quest for the Lost City)

What movie were these two in?
Credentials: 1.7 out of 10, #20 on the Bottom 100 List (

Plot: A whispy teenaged boy named Troy (Christian Malcolm)--- who looks more than a little like Popeye’s gal pal Olive Oyl--- ends up on the run from a cult hell bent on world domination. Oh yeah and this cult just so happened to have murdered our petite hero’s father a few years earlier. The kid’s on the run, but he’s not alone. Along for the ride is Zap Rowsdower (Bruce J. Mitchell) a drifter with a luxurious mane of hockey hair. Troy bumps into Rowdower accidentally and as luck (and horrible screenwriting) would have it, Rowsdower just so happens to know a poop ton about the cult. So, as the Riggs and Murtaugh of horrific movies, Zap and Troy have to fend off this cult and there’s something about finding a lost city and a powerful idol while they’re at it. Eeesh.

Why it stinks: There are lots of big ideas in “The Final Sacrifice.” Big complex expensive ideas. Trouble is, not a lot of money went in to “The Final Sacrifice.” It’s this lack of funding and scarcity of talent which makes for Cheese List gold.
                All this mumbo-jumbo about an ancient cult could be worth watching, but it’s just insanely hard to follow.  I was with the story for a while, but once the sacred idol and lost city nonsense got tossed in late, I was throw from the horse.  I guess writer/director Tjardus Greidanus (what a name) thought his movie wasn’t busy enough.

                And then there’s the acting. Malcolm’s Troy is just so painfully annoying. So very, painfully annoying. Between his odd teeth, high-pitched squealing and goofy grin, it’d be hard to tolerate him as a supporting character. As a lead, it’s impossible.
                Rowsdower, well, he’s the movie’s main source of humor. I’m not sure how much of it is intentional or not, but at least the guy got laughs. His relationship with Troy is pretty confusing and it just materializes out of the blue, but that’s not his fault.
                That’s one of the things “The Final Sacrifice” has going for it, lots of indeterminable humor. Whether the filmmakers meant for it to exist or not, it does.
                The cult leader’s hilariously, needlessly deep voice is enough to make James Earl Jones sound like a whiny preteen. Or Troy.    
                The movie’s most ridiculous moments occur when an old friend of Troy’s Dad named Pipper (Ron Anderson) shows up after hiding from the cult in the woods in total isolation for the last seven years. For whatever reason, Anderson decided the only logical way to portray such a character was to give him a Yosemite Sam voice. It’s insane and awesome, but I feel like Tjardus Greidanus (spectacular name) should have reined him in a bit.  
Worst of the Worst

                The movie is in NO HURRY whatsoever to get going. Thusly, we spend what feels like hours early on watching Troy wander around his house, shuffle through endless stacks of papers and crude crayon drawings, and take naps. It’s awful and the more time we spend with Troy, the more grating he is.

Video Evidence

                There you go, “The Final Sacrifice.”
                Bumblebee tuna.

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