 |
| What movie were these two in? |
Credentials: 1.7 out of 10, #20 on the Bottom 100 List
(Imdb.com)
Plot: A whispy teenaged boy named Troy (Christian Malcolm)---
who looks more than a little like Popeye’s gal pal Olive Oyl--- ends up on the
run from a cult hell bent on world domination. Oh yeah and this cult just so
happened to have murdered our petite hero’s father a few years earlier. The kid’s
on the run, but he’s not alone. Along for the ride is Zap Rowsdower (Bruce J.
Mitchell) a drifter with a luxurious mane of hockey hair. Troy bumps into
Rowdower accidentally and as luck (and horrible screenwriting) would have it,
Rowsdower just so happens to know a poop ton about the cult. So, as the Riggs
and Murtaugh of horrific movies, Zap and Troy have to fend off this cult and
there’s something about finding a lost city and a powerful idol while they’re
at it. Eeesh.
Why it stinks: There are lots of big ideas in “The Final
Sacrifice.” Big complex expensive ideas. Trouble is, not a lot of money went in
to “The Final Sacrifice.” It’s this lack of funding and scarcity of talent
which makes for Cheese List gold.
All
this mumbo-jumbo about an ancient cult could be worth watching, but it’s just
insanely hard to follow. I was with the
story for a while, but once the sacred idol and lost city nonsense got tossed
in late, I was throw from the horse. I
guess writer/director Tjardus Greidanus (what a name) thought his movie wasn’t
busy enough.
And
then there’s the acting. Malcolm’s Troy is just so painfully annoying. So very,
painfully annoying. Between his odd teeth, high-pitched squealing and goofy
grin, it’d be hard to tolerate him as a supporting character. As a lead, it’s
impossible.
Rowsdower,
well, he’s the movie’s main source of humor. I’m not sure how much of it is
intentional or not, but at least the guy got laughs. His relationship with Troy
is pretty confusing and it just materializes out of the blue, but that’s not
his fault.
That’s
one of the things “The Final Sacrifice” has going for it, lots of
indeterminable humor. Whether the filmmakers meant for it to exist or not, it
does.
The
cult leader’s hilariously, needlessly deep voice is enough to make James Earl
Jones sound like a whiny preteen. Or Troy.
The
movie’s most ridiculous moments occur when an old friend of Troy’s Dad named
Pipper (Ron Anderson) shows up after hiding from the cult in the woods in total
isolation for the last seven years. For whatever reason, Anderson decided the
only logical way to portray such a character was to give him a Yosemite Sam
voice. It’s insane and awesome, but I feel like Tjardus Greidanus (spectacular
name) should have reined him in a bit.
Worst of the Worst
The
movie is in NO HURRY whatsoever to get going. Thusly, we spend what feels like
hours early on watching Troy wander around his house, shuffle through endless stacks of
papers and crude crayon drawings, and take naps. It’s awful and the more time
we spend with Troy, the more grating he is.
Video Evidence
There
you go, “The Final Sacrifice.”
Bumblebee
tuna.
No comments:
Post a Comment