Last night’s Oscar show may have captured the attention of the vast majority of the Earth’s population, but not all.
Some of us prefer adjectives like “cheese” and “corn” to “glitz” and “glamor.” We’re a stalwart lot who root around in tinsel town’s leavings as deftly as Lauren Dern through Triceratops poo. For us, our Super Bowl actually came on Saturday when the 31st Annual Golden Raspberry Awards were held.
The Razzies “celebrate” (read: skewer) the worst Hollywood has to offer. A few weeks back, I made my predictions as to who would claim… ehem…victory. I think I did pretty well for myself overall. Let’s recap:
Worst Picture
I Predicted: The Last Airbender
And the Razzie goes too… The Last Airbender
Thoughts: M. Night didn’t disappoint! The one time Oscar nominee continued his whiplash-inducing decline and took home five spray-painted trophies.
Worst Actor
I Predicted: Robert Pattinson, Eclipse and Remember Me
And the Razzie goes to… Ashton Kutcher, Valentine’s Day and Killers
Thoughts: Kutcher was a real surprise winner. Who even remembers “Killers” or the fact that Kutch was in “Valentine’s Day?” I thought Pattinson’s teeny-bobber appeal would put a huge target on his back, but Kutch came out of nowhere to take the prize.
Worst Actress
I Predicted: The Cast of Sex and the City 2
And the Razzie goes to… The Cast of Sex and the City 2
Thoughts: The gals drew a lot of criticism for being too old and for spending money too carelessly in these tough times. I can’t comment on either of those things, but the Razzies like to play outside the box and splitting an award four ways is pretty outside the box.
Worst Director
I Predicted: M. Night Shyamalan
And the Razzie goes to… M. Night Shyamalan
Thoughts: I’m paraphrasing, but Razzie founder John Wilson noted that the cartoon version of “Airbender” was far more realistic than Shyamalan’s live action version. Can we just officially replace the phrase “punching bag” with “Shyamalan” already?
Worst Supporting Actor
I Predicted: Billy Ray Cyrus, The Spy Next Door
And the Razzie goes to… Jackson Rathbone, Eclipse AND The Last Airbender
Thoughts: I was hoping that Billy Ray’s recent public criticism of his daughter, Miley, would win him the ire of Razzie voters. That or the fact that he rode a preteen back into the lime light like some kind of fame-addicted parasite. I guess Rathbone starring in two of the worst films of the year is pretty impressive.
Worst Supporting Actress
I Predicted: Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day
And the Razzie goes to... Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine’s Day
Thoughts: She was nominated for FOUR separate movies. If the Razzies website were better constructed, I would look to see if that was some kind of record. Sadly… the site is a mess. Certainly it seems like a lot.
Worst On-Screen Couple
I Predicted: The Cast of Sex and the City 2
And the Razzie goes to… The Cast of Sex and the City 2
Thoughts: I figured if they could pull down a joint Worst Actress trophy, then this category should be no problem. All told, the gals took home three awards.
Not bad at all. I’ll take 5 for 7. That’s a solid extra innings day at the plate. Figured I’d work in a little baseball analogy since spring training is upon us once again.
Also, I snarkily mentioned yesterday that “The King’s Speech” would take home the top honors at last night’s Oscar ceremonies, further proving how out of touch Hollywood is. And lo and behold look who came out on top. So you can go ahead and tack that one on to my total if you’re so inclined.
And I am.
6 for 8. That would make Pete Rose proud. In both the baseball and the gambling sense.
Bumblebee tuna.
