Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Titanic II

I'd rather have watched this movie.
Credentials: 1.9 out of 10 ( The fact hasn't touched this movie yet should be some indication of its quality.
Plot: The sequel to James Cameron’s 1997 megahit about the doomed ocean liner… oh wait no it’s not. On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the original Titanic, the Titanic II embarks on an epic voyage following in its predecessor’s err… footsteps? Wake. That’s the word. Anyway, at some point a few mega tsunamis sweep through the area and low and behold the new Titanic comes face to face with an old nemesis: an iceberg.
The very same iceberg that killed the original Titanic! Not really, but that would have made for a far more entertaining 90 minutes.
Thoughts: “Titanic II” is like a cross between “The Day After Tomorrow” and “The Poseidon Adventure,” only completely unwatchable.
Here's the real poster. Is it just me
or does the smoke stack look like a scared puppet?
                Now, I’ve watched a lot of bad movies over the last couple of months. Many of which were significantly longer than “Titanic II.” In all that time, I’ve never once seriously considered hitting the stop button on my computer screen.
                During “Titanic II” that stop button looked mighty appealing. Natalie Portman in “Garden State” appealing. Johnny Depp in ANYTHING appealing.
                I didn’t push it though. By god I owe you, my anonymous readers, more than that. Plus, I’m reading Mick Foley’s “Have A Nice Day” at present. If Mick can finish a match after being burned by a C-4 explosive in a Japanese death match, the least I can do is finish a stinkin’ 90 minute movie.
                Still, those were the longest 90 minutes of my life. That match didn’t last 90 minutes…
                There is absolutely NOTHING to like about “Titanic II.” It’s not even so bad it’s good. There’s zero humor to be found, intentional or otherwise.
                The only sound I made in an hour and a half was a sort of pained groan. That was accompanied by my soul trying to escape my body when the ship’s captain boldly proclaimed: “It looks like history is repeating itself!”
                The acting is beyond awful across the board. The allegedly special effects make Ed Wood look like James Cameron.
                On the writing front, there is simply no way to care about what’s going on or any of the characters involved.
                The story centers on some douchey guy and the nurse who inexplicably falls in love with him... again. Oh yeah and her dad essentially does the Dennis Quaid thing from "Day After Tomorrow," only from the safety of a helicopter so it's not as cool.
                Fortunately there is one person to blame for all this nonsense: lead actor/writer/director Shane Van Dyke. Yes that’s THE Shane Van Dyke, “prolific” (according to his official website) screenwriter and grandson of Dick Van Dyke. Poor Dick.
                I feel like I’ve said this many times, but if you can’t do one job right, you shouldn’t have two. And you certainly shouldn’t have THREE!
                 There are a lot of strange gaps in the movie’s warped logic. Maybe I was just so bored that I read too much into things. You be the judge:
                What kind of people do you think would be on board the maiden voyage of the fancy pants Titanic II? Mostly old guys wearing monocles and ladies constantly fanning themselves while exclaiming “I do declare!” You would think an event of this magnitude would attract a higher brow clientele, is what I’m saying.
                Wrong. The Titanic II is packed with average joes wearing jeans and your occasional South Central LA gangbanger.
                The boat must have cost more to build than most countries make in a year and the wealthiest guy on board drives a Dodge Stratus? Are you kidding me?! You couldn’t have at least put one extra in a tuxedo t-shirt?
                Again, maybe I’m overthinking it. It’s pretty obvious the filmmakers didn’t put as much thought into this disaster as I did.

What does this guy think he is? An air traffic controller? Ba dum chi!
"That's right ladies. Writer, director and actor. Any of you ever heard of Dick Van Dyke? No?"
 Personal note: This is how I travel too. One of each kind of lady! High five!
Heheheh... That year round snowball fighting championship is going to be mine for sure!!
Yo man, I don't know how we got on board either, but let's start stealin' stuff!
This is the craziest looking Admiral since Ackbar...
George Lucas designed the life boats.

What's going on with the Christmas colors here?
That's right ladies you go first. I'll be right back here looking at your rears, I mean err... bringing up the rear.
Stay cool Shane, stay cool!

                A perfect score! You've done it Shane-o! You've done it! Drop the confetti! We have our first ever perfect score!
              History has been made ladies and germs. By “Titanic II” of all things. Now, I need to go get the stink of this thing off of my eyeballs. Where’s my Krusty Brand Eye Wash?
                Bumblebee tuna.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Night of the Lepus

Credentials: 11% Certified Rotten ( / 3.9 out of 10 (
Plot: A science experiment goes horribly--- and adorably--- wrong and creates an army of supersized lepuses… or as they’re better known: bunnies. The cuddly killing machines proceed to lay waste to a nearby small town. Somewhere lost in the cuteness is the message that unless we stop fiddling with nature, nature is going to fiddle with us. Al Gore would be so proud.
Thoughts: Since Easter is apparently right around the corner, what better time to discuss “Night of the Lepus,” the only rabbit-based horror film likely ever made?
                And for good reason. Look, there are just some animals that are NOT scary. Giant, mutated grizzly bears= scary. Giant mutated bunnies= adorable. The giant-ness just means there’s more to cuddle.

                Even worse: The filmmakers didn’t do a single thing to make the bunnies even remotely scary looking. They’re not missing patches of fur or covered in hideous scars. Nope. They’re just your run of the mill bunnies.
                So the movie is already in a hole because its villains don’t elicit screams so much as “awwww!”
                Note to Filmmakers: If your monsters make people say: “I want one!” you need to find a new monster.
                And while we’re on the subject of bunnies, let’s talk about the film’s special effects shall we?
                The giant bunny effect was accomplished using average sized bunnies running around on miniature sets and other such forced perspective tricks. Also, there was the occasional guy in a bunny suit (true story) for attack scenes.
                All of this doesn’t work. Because no matter what, they’re still bunnies. Now they’re just bunnies running next to doll houses. Even for the time period, the effects just come across looking kind of hacky.
                And then there’s the acting. You would expect better from a cast fronted by scream queen Janet Leigh and Academy Award nominee Stuart Whitman. However, it seems like the two of them realized very quickly what was going on around them and decided to mail their performances in.
                Of course, there’s the obligatory “kid in danger” nonsense going on. This time, the guy's wife even gets involved. There’s nothing in movies that I hate more than this cliché. Especially in a case like this where the kid is responsible for the whole mess to begin with! Lesson learned little girl. Leave the mutant bunnies in the cages where they belong.
                The screenplay is about as good as you would expect from a movie about killer rabbits. Which is to say not very. It does contain a handful of absolute all time classic lines though. Such as:
  • “Would you get me a clean rabbit?
  • “Calm down, he’s gone! The rabbit is gone!”
  • “Your frantic call wouldn’t have anything to do with rabbits, would it?”
And of course:
  • “The hoard of killer rabbits is getting closer to town!”
                The movie’s pacing is just terrible. Unless you’re like me and don’t mind endless shots of bunnies running around in slow motion. Actually, if Michael Bay and I had a child, this is the movie that kid would direct.
                “Night of the Lepus” is one of those movies that’s more fun to talk about than actually watch. Truth be told, even I started to get tired of it after a while. You really only need about 10 minutes or so and you’ve got the gist.
                Anything more than that and it’s just hard core cuteness porn.
Breakdown (I watched this thing in chapters so pay no mind to the time stamps)
This little girl's eyebrows would go on to portray caterpillars in the hit film "A Bug's Life."

This guys got the right idea. Send the girl into the dark and scary abandoned mine while you remain safely outside. 

Behold the adorable new face of fear!

Do you think it's too late to ask for a fake name in the credits?

I've had a dream like this. It's basically the opening of "Raiders of the Lost Ark," but with rabbits.

Someone actually watched the dailies for this scene and thought: "Oh yeah, this is working out exactly according to plan."

Looking back, nearly all of my screen caps were scenes of bunnies that made me go "awwww!"
I'm not sure how that happened, but while we're on the subject:

                There you have it. Quite possibly the worst idea for a horror movie of all time: “Night of the Lepus.”
                Bumblebee tuna.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Plan 9 from Outer Space

Credentials: 3.7 out of 10 ( / 65% Certified Fresh ( / Named Worst Film of All Time in the book “The Golden Turkey Awards” / Directed by Edward D. Wood, Jr., widely regarded to be the Worst Director of All Time
Plot: Apparently plans 1-8 didn’t go over too well for a group of suspiciously human looking aliens. Good thing they had this little ditty in their pocket: take over the planet by reanimating Earth’s recently dead--- one at a time, mind you. Their technology is good, but let’s not get carried away. While their plan gradually gets put into effect, the aliens pass the time by squabbling amongst themselves and dive-bombing the home of the World’s Most Annoying Couple.
Thoughts: I’ve said it before: it’s impossible to really hate an Ed Wood movie. The man dreamed big and by God, that's worthy of our respect. It’s just unfortunate his dream far exceeded his talent or budget.
                “Plan 9” might as well have been called: “Everything you ever wanted to know about Ed Wood, but were afraid to ask.”
                It’s his opus. His crowning achievement.

                His notorious lack of attention to detail. His trademarked clunky writing. The equally clunky effects. His fondness for stock footage. It’s all, I guess perfected is the word, in “Plan 9.”
                There’s a lot to love about the movie and most of it comes from Wood’s maniacal passion for what he was doing. The man just loved making movies.
                Heck, the story in “Plan 9” isn’t even all that bad. Sure it borrows liberally from other, better Sci-Fi films of the time, most notably “The Day the Earth Stood Still.”
                Wood’s problem really wasn’t story. The man had no ear for dialogue. Somehow, he never quite grasped how human beings--- or aliens in this case--- communicate. Also, he had a passionate love for narration, which is all a very dangerous combination.
                The less words the better, is what I’m trying to say.
                There’s a ton of fascinating, to me at least, pop culture stories behind the making of the movie.
                Like the fact that all of Bela Lugosi’s scenes were shot with NO script in mind. Wood just had his friend Bela walk around in a cape for a little while. Then, after Bela’s death, Wood wrote a movie around the “scenes” he already had.
                On that note: the acting includes some of the most wooden and emotionless performances known to man. 
                The biggest losers of the whole mess were Gregory Walcott and Mona McKinnon as the aforementioned annoying couple. Walcott plays a head strong pain in the butt, who shows no concern when faced with the possible destruction of the universe. His wife is a shrill and unnecessary wet blanket. With humans like that, how could you not root for the aliens?
                Former professional wrestler and constant Wood companion, Tor Johnson actually gets lines in this movie. Although his thick accent renders them all unintelligible.
                As for the effects? Wood allegedly purchased a series of children’s model kits ( to portray the film’s flying saucers.                    
                My favorite special effect gaffe/ proof of Wood’s inattention to detail: when the UFO is on the ground, it’s a square. All perfect right angles. In the air? Traditional saucer shape. No one noticed this!?
                Also, keep an eye out during the cemetery scenes for the flimsy tombstones which are in constant danger of tipping over.  

Sweet, I love predictions...
Man: Shhh... honey don't move... there's a vampire standing next to you.
Wife: Don't be stupid. He's not a vampire. If he was, he'd be all sparkle-ly. Duh.
Eat your heart out, James Cameron
Notice the corner... so much for flying "saucer."
Alright, we'll settle this by having the dumbest person from our planet fight the dumbest person from your planet. Readysetgo!
What!? Where was the stinkin' prediction? Riiiip... Why hire a psychic and just have him read a bunch of copy? I want cold hard prognostications! Give me some numbers to play. At least tell me if I'm going to run into a bear anytime soon...

Places You Shouldn't Point Your Gun

                There it goes. Ed Wood’s “Plan 9 From Outer Space!”
                Bumblebee tuna.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Little Nicky

Credentials: 5.0 out of 10 ( 22% Certified Rotten ( 38 out of 100 ( Named: The Worst Comedy of All Time by Michael J. Nelson, head writer and star of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and “Rifftrax.”
Plot: Two of the Devil’s (Harvey Keitel) three sons are looking to dethrone the Prince of Darkness. They head northward to Earth, freezing the portal to hell behind them. With no new souls to give him strength, their diabolical dad is in big trouble. It’s up to the remaining son to save the day. Unfortunately for the devil--- and audiences--- that son is played by Adam Sandler.
                I’m no fan of Adam Sandler. Even his supposed best movies--- “Billy Madison,” “Happy Gilmore”--- don’t really do much for me. Sure, they’re good for a few laughs, but they don’t tickle me the way they seem to the rest of the world.

                And that’s the good movies.
                You can’t really call “Little Nicky” a movie. It’s really just a huge collection of cameos and references to old Sandler movies. The plot exists solely to get us from celebrity to celebrity or more accurately, former SNL cast member to former SNL cast member.
                But no one goes to see Sandler movies because of the plot. So, let’s focus some more on the man himself.
                Nicky is far and away the most annoying in a long line of annoying Sandler creations. With his slumped posture and raspy voice, Nicky is like the hunchback of Notre Dame with a greasy emo-kid hairdo.
                Movies can overcome irritating side characters, but not THE main character who is in basically every scene.
                “Little Nicky” has some cool, albeit dated-looking effects and the cameos are sort of fun. Not funny, mind you, but fun. It’s like a game. “How did Sandler Trick (BLANK) Into Agreeing to Be in ‘Little Nicky?’”
                You can actually play a little 6 degrees of separation too. As in, when this guy agreed to be in it, he dragged along (BLANK).
                Trust me. You’re going to need to entertain yourself somehow. Lord knows “Little Nicky” won’t do it for you. The jokes are Sandler’s usual, almost too immature for the playground style humor. If you’ve ever wanted to see a demon with boobs on its head, you’re insane. Also, you’re in luck because said demon, while not a main character, gets a ton of screen time.
                There’s not a whole lot to like about “Little Nicky.” Still, I’m not sure this is Sandler’s worst movie. I still think that honor belongs to “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” but “Little Nicky” is up there.
Adam Sandler's most annoying character. Wow. That's like being the smartest member or MENSA.
And here's your winner for Best Cameo!
What a pair of boobs... I'm talking about Nealon and Dangerfield... duh. No respect...

In case you were wondering how Sandler can make so many bad movies, so quickly...

Well, I guess someone needs to keep Rob Schneider employed.

                So there you have it, “Little Nicky.”
                Bumblebee tuna.  

Friday, April 1, 2011

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Credentials: 8.6 out of 10 ( 98% Certified Fresh ( 68 out of 100 (
Plot: A squeaky voiced preteen gets a hit put on him by some robots from the future. Because the preteen is apparently the savior of humanity, a different robot from the future gets sent to protect him. A while bunch of lame fatherhood messages follow. A mixed bag of special effects can’t save the poor acting. If that whiny son of a gun is the savoir of humanity, I’m rooting for the robots!

Thoughts: “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” and I have a long and storied history. For many moons it was my favorite movie of all time.

                And then Bravo started playing it over and over. And then AMC got a hold of it. Basically, “T-2” has become the “Seinfeld” of cinema. It’s constantly on.
Try this: Turn on your TV, close your eyes and flip to a random channel. Open your eyes. Look “T-2” is on. Yay.
                By the way, if you do this experiment and you wind up with something other than “T-2” or “Seinfeld” buy a lottery ticket immediately.
                As for the movie itself. I could see why I was impressed by the spectacle of it all when I was a small lad. But now? Now, I’ve seen bigger and better movies.
                “T-2” lacks the depth featured in the works of directors… NAY… auteurs like Christopher Nolan, Darren Aronofsky or the Swede Anders Westberg.
                Sure it’s got a bunch of gimmicky special effects. Everyone remembers the T-1000, but what about the movie’s frequent clunkers? Like Arnold Schwarzenegger tucking his arm into his shirt after he allegedly losses it in a fight. Really? Several million dollars in your effects budget and you give me this? I used to do this when I was a kid for pizza’s sake.
                And while we’re on the subject of Schwarzenegger, my God! Could he have been more stiff or robotic in the role? I just don’t get it. Where’s the humanity, the soul that he demonstrated in more stomachable like “End of Days” or “Collateral Damage?” I ask you where?
                I already mentioned the nails-on-a-chalkboard performance from Eddie Furlong as humanity’s savior John Conner. I can’t bear to go into any more detail.
                I guess what it comes down to is, I’m just sick of this movie. We had a good run “T-2.” Our relationship spanned several wonderful decades, but in the words of the immortal Christian Bale… you and me are through professionally. On to the Breakdown!
I shot a way more impressive action scene for my music video "Viva La Burger King." Just sayin...

Budnick! If only there was more of you in this film!

Ohh, he can cock his shotgun with one hand. Am I supposed to be impressed? Cuz I'm not.

"World's Worst Roommate" Episode 2. Exact same thing.

Stupid mini gun. So lame. Who cares if Arnold was the only person on set who could lift it?

So what? You built a dummy head (not pictured) for this scene so you could show the Terminator taking bullet hits to the face without CGI. Just CGI it and save the cash for some real actors! 

I can see your elbow Arnie! Where's my precious CGI?

Pssshhh. Two old foes finally make peace. Yawn. More explosions now!

Ok this is emotional. I still get choked up at this part. He sacrificed everything! I mean... meh.

   And so there it is! The ultimate betrayal! I just put Jim Bob Cameron through a table! And now as we fade to black, with the WWE logo looming ominously, I’ve got two words for you. Two words that will make all of this official, forever sealing it in the internet’s truthful embrace.
                Bumblebee t…
                Wait that’s not right.
April Fools!