Monday, May 23, 2011

Live Free or Goddammit You're Right

Credentials: N/A

Plot: Oh boy. This is going to be tough. Let’s see… Hollywood super star Kurt Russell teams up with Quentin Tarantino and Jimmy Stewart to save a former body builder named Lil’ Jimmy from the clutches of an army of stuffed animals. Led by a massive stuffed gorilla, the animals hole up in the home of noted sex fiend and scholar Lye Pegg to await a final epic battle. Willy Wonka, Jesus and a vacuum cleaner also show up for various reasons.

Thoughts: After seeing “Grindhouse,” myself and a group of friends were inspired to try our hand at exploitation filmmaking and double features. What followed were some of the most bizarre and disturbing images ever captured on tape.
                “Live Free or Goddammit You’re Right” is the third, most epic and arguably worst (or best) film in the five-part “Goddammit You’re Right” saga. It runs somewhere in the neighborhood of 45 minutes and once was featured on, when the site was still cool.
                I’ll spare you any more of the backstory and get right to the business at hand.
                How bad is “Live Free?” From a technical standpoint, it’s a cinematic disaster the likes of which has never been seen before or since.      
                The acting is cringe-worthy, there’s no real script to speak of and the movie is full of enough jump cuts to bring down a medium-sized rhino. The camera-work is shaky, people can be heard laughing off screen and occasionally you’ll get a glimpse of the camera man’s finger or leg.
                As for the story? Well, the main plot of the movie, which I described above, doesn’t actually get wrapped up until the end credits. Not through a hidden scene or anything either. No, a credit pops up and says, “By the way, lil’ Jimmy was fine.”
                I imagine these points, along with several others, would make “Live Free” one of the most frustrating movies for an audience to sit through.
The real Kurt Russell would never stop vomiting if he ever saw my beyond wooden impression of him. I make Steven R. McQueen look like Lawrence Olivier. It’s not even an impression. I just walk around spouting lines from famous Kurt Russell movies and occasionally refer to myself in the third person.
The Pegg character, while entertaining, really doesn’t fit into the plot in any meaningful way. Nor does his brother Gepp. A great number of characters actually seem to be there just to be there. The seductress, the corner, Senor Rapise.
And if the audience wasn’t already confused enough. Several actors play multiple characters. Often times, the only way to tell the characters apart is a baseball hat. No other costuming effort was made. If you don’t watch closely, there’s a good chance your head will explode trying to keep track of it all.
             Actually, if you follow along too closely, there’s a good chance your head will also explode.
             The lesson? Pay only a medium amount of attention to this movie if you ever get the chance to watch it. For your own safety.
             The movie’s props were all purchased in dollar stores or borrowed from the younger sisters of crewmembers.
 Jesus shows up and his only costume is a sign taped to his chest that says Jesus.
             The height of the movie’s special effects is a sword fight between Kurt Russell and the stuffed monkey. This sequence was accomplished using puppetry techniques so amateur they’d make Jim Henson do back flips in his grave.
             And yet, for its abundant and glaring faults, “Live Free” is very entertaining. And I’m not just saying that because I was in it, either.
                Where else could you find such classic lines as:
                “No I did not bang her blind!”-Pegg
                “There was a vacuum and a green monkey. Unfortunately, I may have cheated on you with both. And an additional vacuum that I’d never mentioned to you before.”- Kurt Russell
                “It’s bad enough you’re having sex with my vacuum, got (expletive deleted) fur in there all the time. Can’t even clean my own house.”- Pegg to stuffed monkey
                Or the all time classic:
                “Shoot ‘em Quentin… shoot ‘em Kurt! Quentin says so!”- Quentin Tarantino to Kurt Russell after accidentally confusing who was playing who
                We had no budget whatsoever and this is what we came up with. What’s your excuse Michael Bay?
                “Live Free” is nothing more than a group of people who love movies getting together and having some fun. In this case, that fun happened to translate into a grievous crime against cinema, but heck. We still had a blast doing it.
                Whether you’re laughing with it or at it, I can promise you “Live Free” will have you in stiches.


There are two legs in this shot. That's one more than there should be...
Woah! What happened here?

Eat your heart out Jim Henson

If you only see one movie where a stuffed gorilla seduces a vacuum cleaner...

The action hero shot...

Does that guy in the background not notice the
stuffed animal massacre taking place all around him?

Hey it's Jesus!

Look at that effects work!

Man versus stuffed beast

How many movies can boast a credit like that
                So there it is, a little bit of self-promotion. Surely, you won’t hold that against me? After all, if it wasn’t for shameless self-promotion, how would anyone know who anyone else is? Think about that… go on, I dare you.
                Bumblebee tuna.

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