Last second holiday treat: Black Christmas (2006)

Plot
                A gaggle of… ahem… cookie-cutter (sorry for the pun) sorority girls meet up with a holiday-hatin, lemonade –skinned psycho who comes complete with a backstory so depraved and unnecessary that it would make Rob Zombie green… or in this case yellow… with envy.
Thoughts

               The 1974 film that… ummm… inspired? No, that’s not the right word. The 1974 film that was urinated on by this remake is a corner stone of the slasher genre. It paved the way for the Michaels, Freddys and the Jasons of the world. Sadly, it never got the mainstream attention or affection that it deserved. It certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like this: its good name dragged through the mud by an insanely gory and utterly twisted remake.

                This first thing that jumps out at you is that the killer Billy is yellow. I don’t mean that in the old timey, “he’s a coward sense,” but rather in the literal “his skin looks like a banana peel" sense. In any case, the movie immediately becomes hard to take seriously. And then he kills someone with a candy cane. And from that point on the movie becomes impossible to take seriously.

Except that it really, REALLY wants you to. It tries very hard to put heavy themes like incest and rape in the same movie where a guy gets impaled on a Christmas tree. It’s almost like the studio put two screenwriters in two different rooms, gave them a title and then smushed the results together into one ugly mess of a movie.       

                And it is ugly. Fans of unrelenting gore might get more out of this than most, but I suspect that even they will have trouble getting past its gapping deficiencies. Every couple of minutes you can count on someone’s eye getting popped out and eaten or Christmas cookies being made out of something other than dough. Now, I’m not one of these people who think that gore has no place in movies and that all horror should be an exercise in Hitchcockian suspense, but come on! A person can only be expected to endure so much! I’m not sure how many ripped out eyeballs is too many for one movie, but I think “Black Christmas” met its quota before the end of the first act.

                Now for some Quick Notes. The time listed marks when the incident occurs in the movie. I stopped tracking seconds once I got to the hour mark. I apologize for any confusion.

• 5 minutes, 29 seconds in-- “I’m your family now!” I’m not sure if that’s smooth or creepy Ugly Jake Gyllenhaal
• 7:25-- At least if the movie stinks, I can entertain myself by playing “Now where do I know her from?”
• 7:26-- “Harriet the Spy”
• 7:48—“Live Free or Die Hard”
• 8:02—“Mean Girls”
• 9:22—Why is the guard using a flashlight? The mental institution didn’t think to install actual lights in the cells? That seems like poor planning...
• 14:58—No lights in the cells AND guards who don’t notice a VERY distinct looking mass-murderer/ cannibal walking out the front door? Is this place even still operational or did the government shut it down without telling anyone?
• 23:36—Caller Id, *69… technology has ruined prank phone calls
• 28:46—Andrea Martin, original “Black Christmas”… wait what?! The scandal!
• 30:24—Oh good Ugly Jake Gyllenhaal is back…
• 38:01—“Did they ever find out from him why he killed his family?” You’re serious? The incest, murder, wrongful imprisonment and assorted other forms of mental and physical abuse weren’t reason enough? Get with the program Harriet the Spy.
• 50:35—I mean, I guess you can try the house phone, but usually they stop working when the power goes out. Maybe you should check the TV next. Just in case.
• 57:20—Really? Those two are actually leaving? Isn’t the captain, or in this case the den mother, supposed to go down with the ship not bolt at the first sign of trouble?
• 59—Somehow “death by icicle” is the most believable thing that has happened in this movie so far
• 1 hour 6 minutes—Lady, how much more proof do you need before you get the hint that your sister is dead? Does she need to start haunting your apartment or something?
• 1:07—Well that flashlight worked splendidly. If the goal was to provide no noticeable light whatsoever! Whose idea was it to put Ugly Jake Gyllenhaal in charge?
• 1:16—They could have been there for month or years, but probably less. You know since they both only escaped a couple of days ago, but its ok you were close.
• 1: something—What is it, the coroner’s first day? Who keeps pronouncing all these very much alive people dead?
• 1:23—The scariest part of this movie is that Bob Clark, the director of the original film, served as an executive producer on this desecration.

Checklist:

            Acting

• Chemistry? You mean like that class I almost failed in high school? (3)
• Under Acting? (1)

            Story

•  -Occasional plot hole(s) (1)(3)
•   Someone actually thought this was a good idea? (2)
• I have no clue what I just watched (3)

           Misc.

• Remake, Sequel or “Reimagining” (1)
• Accidentally REALLY offensive (3)
• -Other (1,2,3 points depending on severity of the offense(s))
• Idiotic decisions to remain in house, despite overwhelming evidence of danger (3)        
• Confusing gore for storyline/ narrative (3)
• Splitting up when it makes total sense to stay together (3)

                There it is. A respectable 25 points total out of a potential 60. Honestly I’m not sure how possible it is that we ever get a 60. That might be more theoretical than anything else. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. Either way, as we work further into this thing we’ll get a better gauge on just how bad “Black Christmas (2006)” and its 25 really are. And we can always adjust the scale if necessary.

                Bumblebee tuna.

Season's Greetings plus the gift that keeps on giving: a Checklist!

Happy Christmas Eve folks!

This is usually a busy time of year for procrastinators such as myself. Lots of moderately paced driving from mall to mall in search of a last minute, not-perfect-but-acceptable gift, followed by crazed menacing of store clerks who try and explain that they’ve been sold out of Yankee Candles and Tickle-Me-Elmos since August.

Not this year though. By some strange yet happy accident, I have been done my holiday shopping for very nearly a week. Even better, I’m over 90% done wrapping said gifts.

So this is what preparedness feels like. Hmm. Like a warm combination of victory and tapioca.

While most of the rest of the world hustle and bustles, while the Grinch readies attack helicopters (piloted by Max) and scans his radar for signs of large, bearded men in Sleighs, I will sit and write nonsense. Tis the season.

I’ve got a few modifications and additions to make as we finalize our Bad Movie Checklist.

Acting

                -Accent Mishaps (1)

    -Actor plays multiple characters (2)

    -Chemistry? You mean like that class I almost failed in high school? (3)

                -Over Acting? (1)

                -Under Acting? (1)

                -Improbable as it may seem… BOTH? (3)

Effects

                -Lame but a sign of the times (1)

                -What’s so special about these? (2)

    -3-D for the sake of 3-D (Look! A Yo-yo!) (2)

                -When in doubt, CGI! (3)

Budget

                -Obviously tiny (1)

                -Shockingly big (2)

Kids

                -Too smart for their own good (2)

                -Constantly in need of rescuing (2)

Story

                -Occasional plot hole (1)

                -Someone actually thought this was a good idea? (2)

                -I have no clue what I just watched (3)

Misc.

    -Contains the words “Inspired by a True Story” somewhere on the poster/DVD box (1)

                -Sequel without any of the cast or crew of the original (1)

                -Remake, Sequel or “Reimagining” (1)

                -Based off of a TV show (1)

    -Based off of a videogame (2)

    -Based off of a toy (2)

                -Character who conveniently knows way too much about what’s going on (“It just so happens that I majored in the mating rituals of giant mutant Chinchilla creatures in college”) (2)

    -Monologueing villains (3)

    -Direct-to-DVD (3)  

                -I wish the movie was as good as the credit sequence (3)

                -That title sounds suspiciously like that of a more popular film (i.e. “Transmorphers”) (3)

                -Accidentally REALLY offensive (3)

                -Other (1,2,3 points depending on severity of the offense(s))

So there you have it! The finalized Bad Movie Checklist! A grand total of 60 possible points, each one representing one small step towards the inglourious distinction of being named the Worst Movie of All Time! Watch a movie, add up the points and see a numerical rating of just how bad it is!

Feel free to submit any other ideas you have for the checklist. Don’t worry about messing up the 60 points thing. I’m not married to the number and besides, a math whizz such as yours truly will have no trouble at all making it work. It’s not like I had to count this thing up and done half a dozen times just to make sure I added correctly. Haha. That would just be silly.

They’re on to me. I need a distraction.

Did you know that Santa Claus was typically depicted as an Elf until a 1931 Coca-Cola ad changed him into a full sized person? The more you know. Thanks to Music Choice Sounds of the Season TV station for that little ditty.

Season’s Greetings and bumblebee tuna to all!

Impending meatball doom and the early stages of the checklist

I’m surrounded on all sides by meatballs.

                Perhaps that statement requires some explanation. It does not refer to the countless cinematic catastrophes that I am about to force feed myself, but rather to the fact that there are literally meatballs all over my home.

We had our family Christmas brew ha-ha on Saturday and it seems as though we prepared enough food to feed several dozen large families and their pets until next Christmas. I’ve been eating leftover meatball sandwiches at least seven times a day without putting so much as a dent in our massive stockpile. Things have gotten so bad that last night I dreamed that a meatball threw me out of my bed and claimed it for itself. When I awoke I was lying on the floor in a cold sweat… my sheets were covered in tomato sauce.

Much of that story is not true, but what if it were? What if my house was merely the first wave of an impending meatball apocalypse? I intend on sleeping with one eye open and I will keep you all apprised of the situation if anything changes. Knowledge is power!       

I’ve wasted enough of your time with that ugly gibberish. I wanted to give you a sneak peak at the Bad Movie Checklist that you and I are devising to aid me on my quest to locate the Worst Movie of All Time.  Here are my thoughts so far. Remember to send me any ideas you would like to see added to the list.

Acting

                -Over Acting? (1)

                -Under Acting? (1)

                -Improbable as it may seem… BOTH? (3)

Effects

                -Lame but a sign of the times (1)

                -What’s so special about these? (2)

                -Is it possible to CG a script? (3)

Budget

                -Obviously tiny (1)

                -Shockingly big (2)

Kids

                -Too smart for their own good (2)

                -Constantly in need of rescuing (2)

Story

                -Occasional plot hole (1)

                -I think I hear running water at the bottom of that plot hole (2)

                -I have no clue what I just watched (3)

Misc.

                -Monologueing villains (3)

                -Character who conveniently knows way too much about what’s going on (“It just so happens that I’m an expert on the mating rituals of giant mutant Chinchilla creatures”) (1)

                -Musical numbers that in no way further the plot (2)

                -I wish the movie was as good as the credit sequence (3)

The numbers in parenthesis’s () represents point which will be earned if a movie contains that particular defect. After watching a movie and completing the checklist, I will add ups these points to see where it qualifies on the Z-List scale. Think of it like a Cosmo quiz for low quality movies.

I mean, don’t think of it that way because I have no idea what a Cosmo quiz is! I’m far too manly for such endeavors. Why, just today I chopped down a tree with my bare hands and arm wrestled a baker’s dozen of Alaskan Grizzly bears. The Old Spice Guy calls me for dating tips. I swear it.

Bumble bee tuna.

Welcome to The Z-List

The Internet is jam-packed to the gills with websites and blogs offering to guide you through the Hollywood minefield and steer you towards only the finest in thoroughbred cinematic entertainment. Now to me, all of that seems like a tiny bit of a complete waste of space. After all, everyone knows that “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” is the best movie of all time, a fact that was confirmed by a recent poll of “those in the know.” This fine and distinguished panel included film historians, movie critics and several professional dog walkers.

The questions remains, why spend all this time looking for the next “Terminator 2” when absolutely no one has gotten tired of the first “Terminator 2” yet?

Instead, I think we should turn our attention to the little-explored other end of movie spectrum. A place so barren, desolate and disturbed that not even Lewis and Clarke would dare venture into its clutches.  Some know it as the dominion of the Z-Movie, the sort of movie that you would hide UNDER the porn as you walked to the register of your local video store. That was, of course, before all of your local video stores went out of business.   

                Every raving lunatic with a DVD player and an Ethernet cable (including yours truly) has scrawled his or her thoughts on the best of the best, completely ignoring the worst of the worst. This is wrong and I intend on fixing it. Each week, sometimes more than once, I intend on subjecting myself to the grizzliest travesties that have ever been imprinted onto celluloid in search of the Worst Movie of All Time. I will rely on your recommendations, as well as on my own independent research for candidates so feel free to leave as many suggestions as you would like in the comment section.

Please friends, allow me to be your Morgan Spurlock, won’t you? All I ask is that you sit back and enjoy whilst I destroy my mind and body with hundreds of thousands of empty cinematic calories. And unlike Mr. Spurlock, I do intend on telling you something that you didn’t already know.

Over the course of the next several days I will compile a thorough and comprehensive checklist, which I will use to evaluate movies during my travels. Please share your own thoughts as to what elements always torpedo a movie for consideration in the checklist.

Bumblebee tuna.